Don’t Put up With THIS From an Avoidant

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Welcome back to the mantalk show. Connor Beaton here. And today we're going to talk about the one thing that you should never put up with from an avoidant. And this is a tricky one, but I see avoidance doing this all the time. I used to deploy this when I was an avoidant and it's the tactic that you have to overcome if you want to have a really meaningful relationship with them. So the truth about dating an avoidant person is that when they're really pressed for connection, closeness, intimacy, their natural and baked in response is to feel threatened. It's to actually push that type of intimacy and connection away because it feels off putting to them. It feels like a threat to them. And this comes in two different challenges. The first is when you are asking for some type of closeness or intimacy that the avoidant is uncomfortable with, right? Maybe you're asking to have more regular texting connection. Maybe you're asking to have more regular date nights. Maybe you're asking to see each other more frequently, right? Because with avoidance it's very classic that they kind of show up in your life or everything's kind of on their schedule and it's few and far between. So anytime that you are asking for some type of closeness, it can trigger the response that I'm about to describe. The second thing is when some type of disconnection has happened, maybe a conflict or an argument, and, and the two of you are trying to reconnect in a way without shaming or blaming, but you're hoping that there's some type of mutual accountability for the disconnection in the first place. Both of these can cause what I call the flip. And the flip is a tactic that every single avoidant deploys to try and shirk responsibility and create more space and separation. The flip is very simple. It's when you have normal, healthy desire for closeness and connection in the relationship. And the avoidant acts like you're crazy, you're the problem. You're so needy, you know, you're so checks, notes, wanting healthy, normal connection. Now obviously that doesn't apply to you if you're hyper anxious and you know you're text bombing the crap out of them. You know, you're, this is, this is really for if you know unequivocally that you are just asking for really normal, healthy connection, standard connection and intimacy and closeness and that other person is really tied themselves up in the knots. So the flip, what the avoidant will do is try and make it look like you're the problem because again, the classic tendency for the avoidant is to distance themselves from them being the problem. Whether it's consciously or unconsciously, usually it's out of a safety or security mechanism. They will deploy some type of gaslighting to make it seem like you're the problem. So this is called the flip. And you need to pay attention to when the flip is happening, that they are shirking responsibility for the disconnection. They're trying to sidestep any type of accountability for the. The disconnect in the relationship and the intimacy, and they are trying to flip the problem fully onto you. So what do you do? This is a much bigger question, but I'm gonna give you a couple things that you can do. First and foremost, if they know that they are an avoidant, and this is very helpful, right? If somebody. It's like. It's like dealing with an addict or the 12 step program is like the. The first step is you need to admit that you have a problem. For avoidance, they. The first. The first big task in any work with an avoidant is having them, and they have to get there by themselves. You can't really push an avoidant into a corner and say, you're avoidant. I'm going to give you as much evidence as human possible, and then you're going to get it. They really have to come to a place of saying, you know what? I am avoidant. And I understand that I. That I, you know, deploy these behaviors to try and protect myself and that relationships and intimacy feel threatening to me in some capacity. So if they know that they're avoidant, and even if they don't, they don't like that term, try and reinforce that the closeness and the intimacy that you are wanting is completely normal and it's completely reasonable. One of the things that people get caught up in is, number one, they really start to question, like, well, am I? The problem is, you know, is the problem with me? Because what happens in a. In a. In a secure and avoidant relationship, and especially in an anxious and avoidant relationship, is that the secure or the anxious person starts to do a lot of the relational lifting and relational processing. So they really start to look at. Because they have the willingness to say, am I the issue? They reflect they're trying to look at their part. And you, as the secure or the anxious person can actually end up taking too much responsibility for the dysfunction or the disconnect in the relationship. And the avoidant gets to stay in this position of not actually having to look at their part. So the first step. And ideally, they're in a place where they understand that they are an avoidant. If they don't know what that means, or they have no context for that, or they don't think that they are in some capacity, your job is to not try and convince them. Okay? This is the hard part. It's like dealing with an addict in some ways, because with an addict, you. You can't convince them that they are an addict. They actually have to come to that of their own accord. So you can send them resources and you can say, hey, look, I'm checking out this stuff about attachment. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Where do you think I stand? Where do you think you stand? I'd love to just have a conversation about this if you're open to it. And if not, I understand a lot of this is dependent and hinging on them knowing that they are an avoidant attached individual. That. That can be very, very helpful for them to identify the behavior so that the two of you can have an open discourse. But let me know what your thoughts are on this. On the flip, where you've seen it happen in your relationship, how you've dealt with it, and how your partner, if you're with an avoidant person now or in the past, how they deployed the flip, what type of things did they say and when did they deploy? Share your thoughts in the comments if you're watching on YouTube or on Spotify or on Instagram till next week. Connor Beaton signing off.