Don’t Put up With THIS From an Avoidant (And What To Do)

Foreign.

Welcome back to the Mantalk show. Connor Beaton here. And today we're going to talk about the one thing that you should never put up with from an avoidant. And this is a tricky one, but I see avoidance doing this all the time. I used to deploy this when I was an avoidant and it's the tactic that you have to overcome if you want to have a really meaningful relationship with them. So the truth about dating an avoidant person is that when they're really pressed for connection, closeness, intimacy, their natural and baked in response is to feel threatened. It's to actually push that type of intimacy and connection away because it feels off putting to them, it feels like a threat to them. It feels like they're losing a sense of individuality or independence and so they are going to reject it in some way, shape or form. And this comes in two different challenges. The first is when you are asking for some type of closeness or intimacy that the avoidant is uncomfortable with, right? Maybe you're asking to have more regular texting connection. Maybe you're asking to have more regular date nights. Maybe you're asking to see each other more frequently, right? Because with avoidance it's very classic that they kind of show up in your life or everything's kind of on their schedule and it's few and far between. So anytime that you are asking for some type of closeness and it can trigger the response that I'm about to describe. The second thing is when some type of disconnection has happened, maybe a conflict or an argument, and the two of you are trying to reconnect in a way without shaming or blaming. But you're hoping that there's some type of mutual accountability for the disconnection in the first place. Both of these can cause what I call the flip. And the flip is a tactic that every single avoidant deploys to try and shirk responsibility and create more space and separation. The flip is very simple. It's when you have normal healthy desire for closeness and connection in the relationship. And the avoidant acts like you're crazy, you're the problem. You're so needy, you know, you're so checks notes wanting healthy, normal connection. Now obviously this doesn't apply to you. If you're hyper anxious and you know you're text bombing the crap out of them, you know, you're, this is, this is really for if you know unequivocally that you are just asking for really normal, healthy connection, standard connection and intimacy and closeness and that other person is really tied themselves up in the knots. So the flip, what the avoidant will do is try and make it look like you're the problem. Because again, the classic tendency for the avoidant is to distance themselves from them being the problem and to distance themselves from the, the, the real knowledge that they might be causing the issue in the first place. Because again, for the avoidant, that's great. They want to keep it that way. They want to create oftentimes as much distance as and space as they possibly can, because that's where they feel comfortable, that's where they feel safe. That's where they feel like they can sort of manage their relationship. And anytime that that bridge is gapped and they start to get closer and closer to being known by you or a deeper level of intimacy and connection in some way, shape or form, or they're put in a position where they have to take accountability. This flip is going to happen and they're going to say things like, you need way too much. You need so much. What's wrong with you? I just asked you for space and you can't even respect that. You're so goddamn needy. The list just goes on and on and on. This is the type of language that they're going to deploy. And the real challenge to dealing with an avoidant partner that's in this space is that the avoidant must learn. The avoidant must learn to, to deal with this part of them. They must learn to deal with the fear, the mistrust, and the sometimes unwillingness to engage with intimacy and closeness because that's at the epicenter. That's the sort of beating heart of the relationship issue. There's not really, there's not really any way getting around it. Like, I think this is the hard part I about dating, being married to an avoidant is that the connection and the closeness is really dependent on them. And this is why a lot of people stay in a very avoidant position, because it's also a power position. They have a lot of control, they have a lot of security in this place. They kind of call the shots of how the relationship's going to go in some ways because they don't have to come out of this superiority position. They get to stay in this hierarchical position of I'm better than you, you're the problem, you want too much, you need too much, etc, and so this can lead to you sometimes feeling like you're being gaslit. And I almost hate to use that word because it's used so much. But it's true that if you're dating a real, real, true avoidant person, they will likely at some point deploy, whether it's consciously or unconsciously, usually it's out of a safety or security mechanism, they will deploy some type of gaslighting to make it seem like you're the problem. So this is called the flip. And you need to pay attention to when the flip is happening, that they are shirking responsibility for the disconnection. They're trying to sidestep any type of accountability for the. The disconnect in the relationship and the intimacy. And. And they are trying to flip the problem fully onto you. So what do you do? This is a much bigger question, but I'm gonna give you a couple things that you can do. First and foremost, if they know that they are an avoidant, and this is very helpful, right? If somebody. It's like, it's like dealing with an addict or the 12 step program is like, the first step is you need to admit that you have a problem for avoidance. The first big task in any work with an avoidant is having them, and they have to get there by themselves. You can't really push an avoidant into a corner and say, you're avoidant. I'm going to give you as much evidence as human possible, and then you're going to get it. They really have to come to a place of saying, you know what? I am avoidant. And I understand that I. That I, you know, deploy these behaviors to try and protect myself and that relationships and intimacy feel threatening to me in some capacity. So if they know that they're avoidant, and even if they don't, they don't like that term, try and reinforce that the closeness and the intimacy that you are wanting is completely normal and it's completely reasonable. One of the things that people get caught up in is, number one, they really start to question like, well, am I? The problem is, you know, is the problem with me? Because what happens in a. In a secure and avoidant relationship, and especially in an anxious and avoidant relationship, is that the secure or the anxious person starts to do a lot of the relational lifting and relational processing. So they really start to look at. Because they have the willingness to say, am I the issue? They reflect they're trying to look at their part. And you, as the secure or the anxious person can actually end up taking too much responsibility for the dysfunction or the disconnect in the relationship. And the avoidant gets to stay in this position of not actually having to look at their part. So the first step, and ideally they're in a place where they understand that they are an avoidant. If they don't know what that means, or they have no context for that, or they don't think that they are in some capacity, your job is to not try and convince them. Okay? This is the hard part. It's like dealing with an addict in some ways, because with an addict, you. You can't convince them that they are an addict. They actually have to come to that of their own accord. So you can send them resources and you can say, hey, look, I'm checking out this stuff about attachment. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Where do you think I stand? Where do you think you stand? I'd love to just have a conversation about this if you're open to it. And if not, I understand. So you can support them in coming to their own conclusions. And if that avoidant is ready to hear it and see it, then they'll get there. But the main thing you need to do is. Is stand your ground a little bit to reinforce, you know what? What I actually want is reasonable. The type of connection, the type of intimacy that I'm asking for is not outlandish. It's not crazy. This is just normal, healthy connection. Now, you need to really be clear in your head, in your heart, in your gut that that is true, that you're not operating from this really needy, really anxious place. If you are, then you need to take responsibility for that. You need to be able to say, you know what? Sometimes I do act from this really needy, really anxious place without blaming them. Because what a lot of anxious people do is they say, well, I'm only acting this way because you're doing this. Of course their behavior has some impact on you. Of course, we're not denying that. But you have to take responsibility for you and say, you know what? You're right. I do act needy. I. I do act insecure sometimes. I do need a lot from you sometimes, and I'm working on that. And I'd also like for you to look at your part, because the connection and the intimacy that I'm asking for, it's not unreasonable sometimes. Of course it is, but for the most part, it's pretty reasonable. Then ask what their resistance is to the kind of closeness and intimacy that you're asking for. You know, if you're asking to text with them every day just once or twice to. To check in and see how things are going, what's their resistance to that? If you are asking to go on a date once a week or twice a week to see each other twice a week. And they really have a lot of resistance to that. Inquire what is the resistance towards that? Does it feel like a threat to them? Does it feel like a threat to part of their life, their individuality, their independence, their freedom? What is the actual threat that is preventing them from building or maintaining the level of connection and intimacy that you both probably know is possible? And then lastly is inquire whether or not they are willing to work towards it. So you could say something like, look, here's my vision for what I think is possible in our relationship. I think that we could go on a date once a week. I think that we could spend a little bit more time together on the weekends, and here's what it would look like. Are you actually open to working towards that? Give the avoidant choice. Because for a lot of avoidance, what they have experienced in past relationships is demands, is threats, is being told what they have to do because they meet secure or anxious people who try and change them, who try and convince them or coerce them, or you sort of manipulate them into intimacy and connection. It's like, I can fix them. You're not gonna do any of those things. So get. Give them choice, reaffirm that they have a choice, and slowly that will help them build trust again. A lot of this is dependent and hinging on them, knowing that they are an avoidant, attached individual. That can be very, very helpful for them to identify the behavior so that the two of you can have an open discourse. But let me know what your thoughts are on this, on the flip, where you've seen it happen in your relationship, how you've dealt with it, and. And how your partner, if you're with an avoidant person now or in the past, how they deployed the flip, what type of things did they say and when did they deploy? Share your thoughts in the comments if you're watching on YouTube or on Spotify or on Instagram. Till next week. Connor Beaton signing off.

Sam.