A short instructional YouTube monologue by Connor Beaton that defines codependency as an over-reliance on a partner for internal worth and safety, frames it as an adaptive childhood-based coping strategy rather than a moral failing, and distinguishes two recurring roles in codependent dynamics (giver and taker). The speaker lists common signs (low self-esteem, people-pleasing, poor boundaries, reactivity, caretaking, denial), recommends practical work—writing a list of personal ‘Acts of Selfishness’—and encourages viewers to do the homework with partners.
Foreign.
What is codependency? Why does it matter? How does it get formed? And maybe most importantly, how the hell do you get out of it? I have guys messaging me this question all the time, guys that, you know, I've realized that they're nice guys or you know, guys that have gone to therapy and been told that they're in a codependent relationship or marriage. Or you know, guys who have maybe just simply self identified, like I think I might be in a codependent relationship. How do I get out of this? So let's get started. What the heck is co dependency? Well, the simple version of it is that codependency is an over reliance or a dependency on your partner or your spouse. But it's an over reliance on that person for a few specific things. Generally, it's an over reliance on that person for a sense of worth, internal worth, internal value, a sense of internal recognition or validation and a over reliance on that person for a sense of safety. Now there's one very big and important thing that I think needs to be said before we go any further. And that's the simple statement that co dependency isn't a villain. It's not a bad guy. It's not something that you should look at or hear about and be like, ah, I'm such a piece of garbage, I'm in a codependent relationship. Or you know, screw codependency, it's the, it's the evil devil, you know, in my life. What happens for a lot of guys when they hear this phrase codependency immediately? There's a tendency to want to shame, right? There's an immediate tendency for a lot of guys to be like, ah, I'm in a codependent relationship, what's wrong with me? Or how do I kill that part off? Or how do I, you know, figure out, you know, how to destroy this part? And that's a very natural reaction for a lot of us guys. But the reality is that your codependency isn't a villain, it's not the enemy. And I say that because of what I'm going to talk about later on of what causes co dependency. Now, a quick look into this if you is that codependency is often.
A very important adaptive strategy and it's a very important coping mechanism for something that was happening earlier on in your life. All right? So it's not a bad thing. It's a survival strategy. It's a coping mechanism that allowed you to get through probably some less than optimal circumstances in your childhood, in your family system or in your upbringing. Now, there's something that I want to talk about that's very important when it comes to unraveling codependency and getting to know your part in the codependency so that you can step out of it. And that very important piece is the two roles of codependency. So the interesting part of codependency is that it puts people into two roles, all right? And for you, as an individual, you may have played both of these roles depending on the relationship. You might oscillate back and forth, depending on the other individual that you're dating, or you might just occupy the territory of one of the roles. So those two roles are the giver and the taker. And I'm sure that there's a good sexual joke in there, but I'll leave that for you. Cause I'm not a comedian. But the giver and the taker are the two roles that, that emerge in a codependent relationship. What causes codependency? Well, in large part, it is a byproduct of your childhood. Now, I know maybe you didn't want to hear that. I know for a lot of guys it's like, oh, why does it always come back to my childhood? Why do I always have to talk about my past? Why does it always, why do I always have to talk about my family? You know, my family system? It's like, well, in this case, your family system is the, the base operating system for the program of how you do relationships. Okay, I'm going to say that again. Your family system is the base operating system. It is the foundation for the, the programs that you run, AKA the behaviors that you run, the choices that you make, the identity that you show up as in your relationships, signs of codependency. Let's talk about this couple things that you probably have read about. Things like low self esteem, things like over people pleasing, right? That's the constant giver. There's the poor boundaries, and then there's something that doesn't get talked about enough, which is reactivity. If you are either the giver or the taker, overreactivity can be a very big sign that you are in a codependent relationship. And that's because there's a very high tendency of both the taker and the giver to over personalize things, to over personalize people's choices, people's opinions, right? Their partner's decisions, et cetera. There's a whole bunch of other things that we've talked about, like, caretaking and overly controlling, maybe sort of being a little bit obsessive, right? Obsessing about your partner, obsessing about what they're doing or what they're choosing or anything that might relate to you. And then finally, denial, right? Denying that there are certain problems in the relationship, denying that your partner is maybe not treating you so well. Denial is a very big identifier and a sign that you might be in a codependent relationship. Next is what we're going to call little acts of selfishness. So it's very common, again, in codependency. Part of codependency is I need you to fill my needs. I need you to meet my needs. I need you to figure out what my needs are. And. And you're responsible for what I need. And what this does for a lot of people in codependent relationships is they stop prioritizing, taking care of and prioritizing and tending to their own needs. So the little acts of selfishness are the things that, you know, you need to do in order to feel fulfilled, in order to feel independent, in order to feel sovereign, in order to. And competent and confident. So what you're going to do is I want you to write down a list of acts of selfishness and you can call it Acts of Selfishness. That's the title up top. Acts of Selfishness. And if you're in a codependent relationship and you and your partner have identified we are definitely codependent, we are working to get out of this. Or you as an individual have identified that you're in a codependent relationship and you're working to get out of it. It can be very helpful to sit down with your partner and go through everything that I'm going to outline here. Okay. You might want to even send them this video and tell them to watch the whole thing and take notes and answer these questions and do this homework with you. Do the work. Send this to your partner. Send this to a friend that you know could use it, talk about it, have some discourse, and let me know what topics you would like me to cover in future episodes. Until next time, this is Connor Beaton signing off.
