Facing Shame, Finding Strength & Leadership: Men’s Work Session

All right, my friend. How you doing today?

Yeah, I'm good, thank you.

I'm really good. Connor.

It's funny, when we. Before we hit record, I, like, saw your background, and I was like, oh, you're at work.

How's that gonna go? But I think it'll be great. It'll be great. I always, like. I always give guys a hard time because, you know, sometimes with my clients, you know, they're. They're. They're just. The only time that we can see each other is when they're at work, you know, and so they're in their office and you just. We're trying to get into something, and they have to try and, like, close a door or, like, lock it or, you know, whatever it is.

Yeah.

Anyway.

Yeah, I'm in the boardroom, so it's good.

Good, good, good.

Well, thanks for joining me. And just give me a little bit of insight into what you're wanting to address, confront, work on, or resolve.

For me, I'm trying to. I'm very good at all the practices. I'm really good at putting. Scheduling these calls with my partner, but I just don't have the courage to follow through. And I'm always thinking of reasons why.

I'm always.

There's always an excuse of why it's not the right time to address. And I think I've said this to you, but my partner is an amazing woman, and she calls me forward, and she wants me to be the best person. I do as well. And I think there's a frustration both with her and myself, that I'm.

It's kind of. There's never a right time for me to address things, and I never seem to be able to have the courage to talk about things which are issues in our relationship. I think we've said this before, and I've talked to you about. I lied about my financial situation. And even though she's aware now, I've never sat down and said, hey, I lied to you.

I know this is something that I hid, and I've just allowed things to just follow through. And I think she says this to me a lot. We have a great relationship, but it's like a butterfly effect. There's no longevity or there's no real plan. There's no leadership in the sense of, she can't see we've been together three years, but this is the issue, and it's. How do I have that courage to address the issues that I know are there in our relationship? And I know that they need to be Addressed and spoken about, but I just don't have the confidence or courage or even how I do it. I can set the meetings up, but then how do I then follow through? And that's really where I am. And it's causing kind of a major issues in our relationship. Not majors, but it's causing issues where. How I want to take this relationship forward and I want to lead it.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, it's eroding her trust that you can face hard things.

Yep.

Right.

You can do hard things. And I mean, I'll just sort of reiterate this part both for us and. And maybe people that are tuning in, which is, you know, the part of the foundation of having a really secure relationship or a secure attachment is, you know, it's been very commonly talked about today because being able to go through a hard time in relationship and come out the other side. Okay, Right. This is my good friend Dewey Freeman, and. But somewhere along the line, you learned that it's not okay for you to go through a hard time in relationship with someone else or you learned that when you go through a hard time with somebody, you do not come out the other side. Okay. Things don't get resolved, you get punished. And so we're going to talk about that in a second. I'm going to just sort of flag that and park it, because I can see that that maybe evokes something for you.

But tell me about what. Give me some context in terms of what it is that you need to address in the relationship. Is it just the taking ownership over having, you know, lied about the finances or what else is it that needs to be addressed?

I think there's an intimacy and a connection issue.

And the strange thing is, when I have addressed things and when it's come from my heart in the moment, it's genuinely real and raw. But when I try and address or write down all the things, then it becomes less genuine.

But.

There'S a connection into an intimacy connection, which we had a lot, but it's kind of been eroded and it's. How do I build that intimacy and that polarization in the relationship? You know, not just exciting, but where she can trust my leadership. Because I think the point you made there is she doesn't trust my word. And that's the, you know, and I think the point is. And it blows up. We keep. Gets very quiet and then something happens and then we get. She gets triggered and she'll go, you said you're going to do this. I'm not going to do this. You need to lead this relationship and I'm not going to, I'm not going to be your mum and you have to do. And so I then get very triggered by that. I then want to put things in place, but it's. She's, she's triggers, I then action. But that's really way after the, when it should have been. And that's the bit. And so then that causes a rift in the relationship because she feels like, hey, I'm mothering you. And that's not great in a romantic relationship.

How, how are the, the two things that you're describing connected for you? Like when you talk about this disconnect and the intimacy when you talk about not, you know, you sort of not bringing challenging things forward and not wanting to disappoint her. How are those two things connected for you? Or do you see a connection?

Yeah, I do. I mean, I, I, by not bringing this forward, then I'm not bringing things, I'm not bringing those discussions into relationship where talk about things which are important, you know, you know, where my issues are, where my shame comes from, where my, my issues are. And so the, and because I shy away from that, then, then that leads to lack of intimacy. Because when I've, when we've connected, it's usually through adversity, it's usually through.

Through me doing. And this is the other thing which happens. And again, it's the mirror that sh.

She'll say, you know, you're, you're not. I don't need words anymore.

I just want you to fucking action.

It and do it. And so, you know, she'll say, you're the best wordsmith in the world. But that, that she's like, I'm just fed up of it. Just do stuff. And, and then I'll, you know, and from that, then that leads to the intimacy and the connection and then the trust. And I understand how all those connect.

Right.

I'm having problems trying to connect them together and it's really affecting the relationship because I know there's going to be a point again where there's a trigger or an act, something happens. I think the one that I saw was the one that happened recently. It was just sec. It was our sexual intimacy. And she's like, hey, you're not, it's not Simon anymore. You know, you're, you know, you're.

You know, I want to come with you, but. And this is things I've addressed so many times. And this is another area where you've failed to address and fail to bring Come forward and. And then it blows up, and then it brings up all the other issues. And I want to develop a deep relationship. And. And it's that at the moment, we're very broad but very shallow. That's what it feels like.

Okay?

So there's a bit of a cycle and a pattern happening and that I'm going to sort of lay out the pattern in the cycle, and then we'll see where this takes us. But as I lay out the cycle and the pattern, what I would like for you to do is two things. Okay? Number one, as I lay out the cycle that's happening.

Really tune into and pay attention what hap. What's happening inside of you. Not in an intellectual sense, but what's happening somatically. What's happening to your breath. Pay attention to the energy in your body. Pay attention to sensation, if there's any contraction based on what I'm talking about.

Okay?

So that's. Number one, tune into your. You know what's going on inside of your experience. The second thing that I want you to pay attention to is starting to notice what parts of this cycle are similar to a relationship in your family system, because you're. I would almost put money on the. On the bat that this cycle is, one, not new, and two, it's just something that's unresolved from your youth. So here's what's happening. You can see that there's an opportunity for connection, and you can see that there's an opportunity for you to do something challenging, okay? Whether that's expressing a need, expressing a want, owning something, taking responsibility over something. So there's. There's an area there where you're like, this is for me to claim and to own and to take responsibility for. And I think I can hear that for you. You can discern whether or not she's saying, I want you to do that versus you want you to do that. And there's a little bit of confluence and there's a little bit of merging, but we'll let that go for now. So you can see that there's something that you want to do. There's something that you need, there's something you want. There's something you want to say, something you want to own, and then you don't do it. And there's a procrastination that happens, and you start to feel bad about it. You start to have a little bit of shame about it, and it starts to build and create pressure inside of you. But then it also starts to leave her Feeling disappointed. And when you feel that disappointment, you then experience shame internally and, you know, frustration, that, that type of stuff. But then there's also more pressure on you. I'm doing something wrong. I can see I'm doing something wrong. How come I can't action this? How come I can't do this? And so the pressure builds and builds and builds. Then at some point she says something, she points it out, she's had enough, you know, and so she brings it forward. I'm disappointed in you. How come you're not doing this? And then what do you experience internally when she says that? When she points out what you've already been aware of, that you're not expressing your needs, you're not taking responsibility for something. When she points that out and she gets frustrated and she's disappointed with you, what happens inside of you?

Shame. Deep shame.

I feel.

Agitated and I want to solve it there and then. So there's a. There's a tingling inside me where I just want it to go away. The best way to explain it, it's like having a bunch of tabs open on your laptop and you want to close those tabs down and I'll do anything to close them. And that's the bit where I settle. And just to put a bit more context on this, you know, we both want to be in this relationship, but this thing, what I shy away from is things that I feel I can't solve. So it would be like, you know, there's a. I won't go into the details, but living together. I'll say I want to live together with all the children. And her point is, how the fuck are you going to do that, given our situation? And I then go, fuck, I can't. How do I solve this? And so I just, then ignore it. You know, if, if I got a few million in the bank, I'd be like, easy peasy, not a problem financially sorted. But then it's, how do I put a plan in place that I can follow through and how do I do that? That's the bit which I struggle. So I just, I just ignore it. I just think it's all going to be fine at. And I'm just not leading myself. Never mind her.

Okay, so come back to the shame.

Take a breath in with me.

Exhale out.

And say, what's been happening inside of you? As we've been talking about all this?

I can feel a heaviness all the way down into my, my, my groin. I can feel like a tingly tightness in My chest, I'm feeling tingly in my fingers and my arms.

I'm speaking quicker.

I just.

It just feels like there's a weight and I just want someone to turn that weight away so I can just be.

That's why I feel okay.

Say what? That sensation feels familiar to who has.

Who.

Have you felt this around before?

Certainly my mom. I think we've had these conversations, but my mom for sure.

Needing, always wanting her to validate me when I. And yeah, and it's. I know it's the same with my partner.

It's.

But my mom is the validation and it's the wanting her to be proud of me for absolutely sure. And then when that doesn't happen, feeling that I've let her down, that I've let myself down. And so then I try harder and then that goes into a spiral. And, you know, I used to buy things for her when I was a little boy from my pocket money so that she would feel, wow, look what he's bought me. And I. And she would be thankful, but at the same time there was this, hey, if I do this thing, you are then going to appreciate me. And I even got into the point think I've never said this to anyone other than my partner, that when I was very young, I used to. I took. I took some tablets to kill myself, but I didn't really want to, but I just want. I wanted it so that my mum would feel bad that I had kind of disappeared. I remember that. It's one of the memories I still sticks with me. I never wanted today, but I wanted to get either ill or I wanted her to feel really sorry that this had happened. And this constant need for her to love me was. And I know she does, but it's this constant need for. To be visually seen by me and felt by me.

Yeah, I've never said that to anyone.

Actually, so that's pretty big. Just take a breath into that. Just let yourself be affected by that. Stay with it for a sec.

So I needed mom's attention so badly.

That I was willing to do pretty drastic things to try and get it.

Just say, what's happening inside, buddy?

Just sadness.

Tearful.

I can feel myself just being very, very.

Angry with myself for actually feeling that way.

Everything's sinking down into my. My groin and it's just super heavy.

So breathe into it. Stay with it for a.

Stay with the heaviness.

Tingling in my.

Fingers and my arms.

That's okay.

Just let all that unfold.

Let all that happen.

And from that heaviness Make a statement.

To mom from the heaviness.

I really wanted you to show you love me when I was a boy.

My breath.

But instead, what I got was I.

Got someone who was very hard.

And only showed love at certain points. And I was desperate for you to love me and hug me.

I understand that your life wasn't great, but I needed you to be there for me.

And just let that do something to you.

Let yourself be affected by that.

And when you're ready, tell her what.

It was like to not have her affection.

It hurt me. Really hurt me.

I felt like I was having to try and get it from other places.

Hurt me a lot.

All I wanted to do was you.

To just hug me.

Say more about what hurt you. Take another breath. You're doing good.

The fact that you didn't show up for me, the fact that I was constantly having to fight for your love, and you doing that just. It made me feel small.

It made me feel weak.

It made me feel as though no one was there for me. And I was the only person who could make my life better.

Another breath. Keep breathing. Doing good?

Yeah. So just see the boy.

Okay. I'm just going to paint a picture for you. Are you okay with visualizing internally?

Yeah.

Okay.

So I just want you to imagine that in front of you is that boy. And he's reaching out to his mom.

Trying to hold on to her, reaching for her hand, reaching for her.

Her dress or her clothes.

And she just has her back turned to him.

I just want you to see that picture.

You as a boy, trying to get her attention.

Trying to get her affection.

And her love, her praise and validation.

And say what it's like to see that.

It'S hurtful.

I feel like nobody cares. I feel you don't care.

Yeah.

That she doesn't care.

Yeah.

So take another breath.

She doesn't see me.

So make a statement about what that boy tried to do in order to get her love.

I did things that I shouldn't have done. I did drastic things hoping that you would see me.

I try and buy your love, Try and buy you. And I understand where you come from. But I try to do anything for you to love me.

Pause there for a moment.

Take another breath in.

And for a moment, I just want you to speak to her from the man and not the boy.

When I was a boy or that boy tried to do this for you. That boy tried to do that for you. Here's what that boy tried to do for you.

This boy tried to love you. This boy bought you things. This boy did everything. This boy did some things that you should never have done to get your love. This boy, he wanted your love so much, but you didn't give it to him.

This boy was a soft boy who wanted to be loved and you didn't. You did it in your own way, but he was constantly trying to feel you and wanted you to hug him. And you didn't do that. You did it when you wanted to do it. You felt alone. I know we felt alone.

So take another breath.

And just make a statement to that boy. I know you felt alone.

I know you felt alone. And I know it's not your fault.

I know how it must have felt.

I know exactly what it feels like not to be loved. And I know it feels super scary when someone doesn't give something back that you desperately need.

I know how that feels.

Yeah.

So I just want you to connect with the man and the father in you because you have kids.

And I want you to see that boy as a child.

As the child that he is. But I want you to see that boy as the child that you are.

Responsible for tending to.

Come here. I love you. I'll always be here for you.

I'm never going to go away.

I may tell you things that you don't like to hear, but I love you regardless of anything.

Yeah. Take another breath and just try this on. Okay. I'm not going to leave you with her anymore.

I'm not going to leave you with her anymore.

And let that land inside of you.

Because in some ways, that boy has.

Been trapped.

Chasing mom.

Trying to get her attention.

Ever since. He hasn't stopped.

And no one's rescued him from that.

So take another breath.

And just reply back to him again.

I'm not going to leave you with her anymore.

I'm not going to leave you there anymore. I'm not going to leave you with her anymore.

Good.

And let him just reply back. What would he say back to you?

Thank you. I want to be with you.

I love you.

Please give me a hug.

Well.

So take another breath.

There's just one more piece here that.

I think needs to be said.

So take another breath.

Good.

And just make a statement to him about your relationship.

And so I'm. I'm going to help you with this one.

Okay?

So you are not responsible.

This is to the boy.

You are not responsible for my relationship.

You are not responsible for my relationship.

You're not responsible for making her happy.

You're not responsible for making her happy.

You're not responsible for my finances.

You're not responsible for my finances.

You're not responsible for fathering my kids.

You're not responsible for fathering my kids.

And just keep going.

Anything else you want to say to him? Because he has been taking a lot of responsibility up in your life, and he's completely overwhelmed. When you get paralyzed, it's not. It's not the man in you. You revert back to this child.

So just continue to tell him what else. What other responsibilities are not his.

You're not responsible for my procrastination.

You're not responsible for making me feel better.

You're not responsible for organizing my life.

You're not responsible for making sure that I follow through with things. You're not responsible for any of that.

You're not responsible. You're not responsible for it. Yeah.

You're not responsible for satisfying.

My woman.

You're not responsible for satisfying my woman.

Mm. And let that really.

Let that last part really land in you.

Let it affect you in some way.

Breathe into it, and then say what's happening inside? So I'm with you.

There's, like, a pulsing in my arms. There's this shaking in my arms and my body. The top part, my bottom part feels really solid and heavy, but my top half is shaking.

So breathe into it. Say what the shaking is about. If you have any awareness. If you don't, that's okay.

I don't know. I think nervousness.

Make a statement from there.

From the nervousness.

I want to sit with it. I don't want it to leave. Usually. I just want it to go away.

Yeah.

So take another breath.

And now.

So that's the boy.

That's the boy that's been scared of responsibility, that's felt like he's been responsible for everything in your life.

Specifically satisfying.

The woman that you're with, trying to get things right with her.

Say what just happened?

I feel like I've got a slight.

Weight taken off my shoulders that I've.

Allowed.

To try and take responsibility in.

Myself and not allow that to go.

On to.

That little boy in me.

A little bit.

Good.

So take one more breath into that.

And now, are you comfortable with using your partner's name?

Yep.

Okay, so close the eyes again for one second.

And just visualize her sitting across from you, sitting in front of you.

And.

Place the boy wherever you want. He can be to your left, to your right. He can be behind you.

Where would you like him to be?

To my left. Great.

And then just make a statement to your Partner.

I'm sorry, girly, for not being honest with you.

Take another breath.

And out.

And if mom was sitting with you as well, where would she be?

She pulled me behind me.

Good.

Good. So take another breath in.

And I'm just going to give you a statement.

Okay? So, girlie, you are not my mom.

Girlie, you are not my mom.

You are not my mother.

You are not my mother.

And I'm going to stop treating you like my mother.

I'm going to stop treating you like my mother.

And I'm going to stop expecting the.

Boy to be in relationship with you.

And I'm going to stop the boy from being in a relationship with you.

Take another breath.

And help.

And just imagine that she could respond back.

How do you think she would respond to that? What would she say?

She'd say. I think she'd say, I need action.

I don't need words.

Good.

Breathe in.

No.

See how that lands for you.

I want to lead this relationship. I am going to relieve this relationship.

Yeah. I'm going to stop expecting the boy to do that.

The boy's not going to lead the relationship anymore. And I have to and will be honest with you.

Good. So take another breath. One last.

One last statement.

I'm going to start being okay.

I am okay with disappointing you.

I am okay with girly.

I am okay disappointing you.

Girly, I am okay with disappointing you.

Breathe in and just see what that feels like.

Let it sink in to the body. I'm okay with disappointing you.

I'm okay with disappointing you.

Say what that's like.

I may not be able to lead this relationship all the time in every way, and you may be disappointed in that, but I am going to lead this relationship the best I can as a man and not, by the way, not as a boy.

Good. Breathe.

Good.

So come on back in. Take your time.

Slowly, but come on back in.

How you doing?

Yeah, I'm good.

I'm good. I feel good.

Thoughts?

Comments? Questions?

I think that it's going to be.

A process for sure, and I understand.

That I can't just click my fingers.

And it's all going to be solved.

What I do, My comment on this is I need to make sure that I constantly go back to the boy and make sure that he's not in the relationship and say, I'm not going.

To have you in the relationship anymore. Mm.

Yeah. Take him out of the driver's seat. Because what's been happening is that whenever you feel pressure to get something right with her, you revert back to that child, you revert back to that boy. And that's not always. I'm sure that there's times where you don't do that.

Okay.

This isn't a universal. But in moments where it feels like you might disappoint her, that nervous energy is. Is the nervous energy of you as a boy saying, I need mom's attention. And so what I want you to practice is actually starting. And this is going to sound. I'm going to give you two pieces. Number one is to start to create little micro moments of hard times between you and girly. And a hard time can be you taking ownership over something. A hard time can be you expressing a need. A hard time can be you making a decision.

Saying, this is what, you.

Know, we're going to go.

We're going to go for dinner here. Or here's two options for dinner tonight.

Right?

So making these little micro moments where you are creating direction, because for you, that's very challenging.

Right.

As a boy, you waited and waited. Let me try and figure out everything that you need. My core existence relies on you.

I'm not okay unless you are okay.

That's so true.

And so a lot of this is about reorienting to self and saying, I am okay, and I'm okay even if you're disappointed.

So.

Part of this, in a big way, part. A huge part of this is about letting your body and your nervous system start to acclimate to what it feels like to disappoint her, to disappoint a woman.

Because that was death.

As a boy.

Right. What would. In your mind, as a boy, what would happen if you disappointed mom?

She'd go quiet.

She would go in her room.

She wouldn't speak to me, or she may even hit me. She would say that, you know, that I'm a horrible person. But then there was moments of. You know, there was moments of love. There was. But it's the. But it was only when it was on her terms.

Right? Right.

So if I disappointed mom. Notice what you're saying. If I disappointed mom, I could get hurt. Love would get taken away, and I wouldn't be okay.

And that would reinforce there's something wrong with me.

Must be something wrong with me.

Yeah.

Does that make sense?

Yeah.

Say what's happening.

I just feel that so deeply, and I can straight away put that into my relationship. And that's exactly what happens all the time, is I'm going to disappoint, which means I'm going to lose love, which means I'm going to be hurt. Which means everything's going to. And I catastrophize everything.

Yeah.

And I just need to. Well, I need to get out of the cycle and. And it's that.

It's that ability to try and get back into me and understand that, hey, I'm going to be fine. You know, it's. I don't need this external. The key. I've always. I just. I'm constantly need external validation to make me feel loved and safe and wanted.

Yeah. Okay.

So.

So two things. One, I would like for you to practice. To start a daily practice of self recognition. Not gratitude, self recognition.

So every single day I want you to sit down, pen and paper, and you're going to write down I want to recognize myself for. Or I want to celebrate myself for. But recognize.

I want to recognize myself for having this hard conversation with girly. I want to recognize myself for this interaction at work. I want to recognize myself for taking ownership over this thing.

Yeah.

And the dynamic here is.

I. I want. I'm going to lay a couple things out.

Okay.

Because I think this might be helpful for. For you and for everyone that's. That's tuning in.

When.

When we as men start to operate from this place of. I don't want to disappoint you, I don't want to upset you, I don't want to get things wrong with you. We become untrustworthy because what we're saying to the women that we're with is I actually don't trust myself. And not only do I not trust myself, I don't. I'm not willing to get uncomfortable enough to confront something inside of me.

It's not even about her. This is not. This really has not a lot to do with her. You've in your psyche has projected mom onto her. And the boy was in the driver's seat for a long time.

And even some of the commentary around, I just need to get out of this cycle. I really would encourage you to relax and release some of that. You don't need to get out of anything. This isn't a big, huge problem to solve.

It's an opportunity for you to really develop the skill of being okay with confrontation.

And being okay with disappointment and disappointing. Another. Because you never really got to. To confront mom as a boy and you never really got to disappoint her because the threat was so big.

And.

You know, women in. In a lot of ways need to know that we can.

We can stand on our own two feet in the face of their disappointment. And if they get disappointed and we start to become frantic and panic and. And start to run around saying, let me fix and solve this. And it's not that we should swing the pendulum to the other direction and be like, I don't give a. That you're disappointed. You know, that's, that's, that's the next conversation with girl.

Yeah.

Right. Yeah.

I don't, I don't.

I don't give a.

That you're disappointed.

Get in the kitchen and make my dinner.

Right. Yeah. Yeah.

That's not it either. Right. But I do want you to start to practice having some separation between. And this is the big piece I'm going to get you to write down because this is really what I'm, I'm. We've been working on this entire session is separating her emotional state or her disappointment with your sense of self?

Those two things have been enmeshed.

This is what happens to a lot of men who were boys and couldn't get mom's attention, is that their sense of self becomes dependent.

Yeah.

On a woman's perspective.

Yeah.

And so true. You are separating. What? I just, you know, the exercise I walked you through is. Is about separation. Separation of self from female.

Attention, validation, praise, recognition.

Love.

You have to have a sense of self outside of that. And I think part of the thing that you've been really struggling with is you haven't. I hesitate to say it in this way, but I. I think I know you well enough now that you can receive what I'm about to say and. And not take it personally. You have struggled to have a deep sense of self outside of a woman's perspective.

Yeah.

And who you are as a man has had a place at work, has maybe had a place with your kids, but who you are as a man has been vacant when it comes to being in relationship with women.

And that's the. That's the, that's the strange. Well, it's not the strange. I have a very different relationship, except in that my romantic relationship with a female. And, you know, and I do want to say, you know, girlie's called me forward and she's identified things. And I wouldn't be here. I mean, I would. But things when I used to say quite a lot, hey, do you love me or do you. You know, how. Look how great I am. And she would just go, why? Why?

Just stop.

Stop asking for this. And so it really got me to understand this need in this. This adoration. And I don't do that a lot now, but I. But what you said earlier about that, it's so true. My. My myself is completely meshed with my woman. And when she's happy, I'm happy. When she's sad, disappointed. I am in a state of flux and. And this is the. The big thing that I'm just. I need and I want to deal with.

So let me help you a little bit more with that.

Yeah.

This, a part of. This is about starting to really build your own sense of identity in relationship. Masculine identity or just your identity in the relationship. And so this is a process of reclaiming. So all those moments, here's what I really want you to tune into, because this is the real time work.

Yeah.

Okay. And this is how it happens every single time. You can feel a part of you wanting to get validation from girly. I want you to tell me that I look good. I want you to tell me that I've done a good job. I want you to, you know, praise me for having done something right around the house or, you know, with the kids or whatever it is. I want you to give that recognition to yourself. Ah, I look great. I'm really proud of myself for having, you know, dealt with that interaction with the kid. Every. And I want you to be ruthless and relentless with this for the next month or two. Really, truly. This is the daily practice. Every single time, you are going to flip the script and you're start. You're going to start to recognize yourself for all the things that you would normally be reaching out to girly for.

And I keep that to myself. They are just internal. Hey, you've done a great job there. And that's it.

No, you can say it out loud. You could absolutely, you could say it to her. I'm really proud. You know what? I'm really proud of myself for handling that situation like that. Or, you know, I think I look great today. Like, that's all right. I do that with my wife sometimes and she, you know, she gets a good.

She's like, you.

You do look good, you know, or you did handle that really well. And. And it's not me trying to get something from her. It's just like, yeah, I can celebrate myself. I can recognize myself. I like who I am. I am my own autonomous being. You know, I have. This is what Jung called the process of individuation. Your. Your boy or your younger self never got to individuate when it comes to women. And so you started to individuate in all of these other areas in life because, you know, I know that you're successful. I know that you've done well for yourself. You're, you know, you're very dedicated in your career. But with women, individuation got stunted. And so how we individuate is self recognition and knowing that we can confront things that are hard that we would want to avoid. So I want you to do one last thing and then we're going to wrap up, which is I want you to make a commitment to me and to yourself about two things that you are going to do or confront in the context of your relationship. What are you going to confront in the next few weeks? And that can be the conversation about the finances, scheduling a time to sit down with her and say, you know what? Here's, here's what it actually is. I, I was wrong. I did lie about that. I'm, I apologize for that. Here's the truth. Or do you have any questions about it? So what can you commit to two things that I want you to commit to that you will address and confront in the next two weeks?

I mean, that's the first one. So the finances for.

When you say confront, you mean with her or with myself?

Either one.

That one, that one's definitely with her. So maybe one with yourself.

I think.

I think the one about. I. Actually, the more I'm thinking about it, the more it's about the.

Yeah, I'm getting super honest within these conversations is like the sexuality and, you know, the, you know, I want it to be more.

To be more forceful, to be more exciting. And I think that where we do that is I've got to sit down with her and talk about it and say, hey, what are we doing? Why are we, why is this going stale? Why, how can we, how can we make this better? But that's me leading, isn't it? This is a problem. I'm throwing it back onto her.

I think probably the best thing that you can do is start to bring.

Have less of a conversation. Because I think you guys have had many, many conversations. And I think my guess is that a lot of the times you revert back to trying to talk about things with her, to inadvertently figure out what she wants.

Yeah. And then, then, then she says, you know, you're not leading, you're just asking. Why are you asking me?

So stop trying to figure out what she wants. And I really want you to start to practice trial and error. You are going. I want you to get things wrong with her.

Okay?

I want you to get things wrong. I want you to practice failing and to Be with. Oh, that didn't work.

Okay.

Doesn't mean, you know, I'm a bad man or I'm a, you know, terrible partner. It just is information and to be with the sensation in your nervous system, in your body of, oh, I disappointed her. Oh, that didn't go well. Okay, Good to know. So I think when it comes to sex and intimacy, as you start to take ownership over some of these things and you start to lean in, that will shift. We can have a separate conversation about that, because I think that one's a little bit more layered. But start to practice bringing a little bit more of your unapologetic desire to her. You know, like my, My good friend John Wineland has this saying of.

Of really asking yourself how you are.

And when we as men are operating from that little boy, we're not. And when we're trying to figure out in all of these sneaky ways, what do you.

What do you want? What do you need?

How do I make sure that you're completely not fuckable?

Right?

Because they're like, what are you doing? You know, how come you, you're, you're kind of all over me, trying to figure out everything that I need instead of, you know, taking the lead? And again, this isn't to say you don't have conversations, you don't talk, you know, none of that kind of stuff, but I want you to. Your, Your, your commitment for the next few weeks is to.

Get things wrong is to fail. And that's the confrontation because. And that's the repair. You never got to do that with mom because there was such a huge punishment and such a huge threat attached to that. So if there is any conversation for you to have with girlie, it's. I'm going to start to make some decisions. I'm going to start to own some things. I'm going to start to act a little differently. And if you are disappointed in that, I just want you to know that I'm going to be okay.

And if you're frustrated and upset, that's all right. You can let me know.

Land.

Yeah.

Lands. I'm trying to think again. I'm. I, I, I want. I'm. I'm open to the conflict and the getting things wrong. And at this point, my, My kind of area where I'm. I'm a little bit. I'm not sure is how do I. What are the areas? What are the ex. I. It could be anything. I'm assuming is that I'm going to wear these clothes tonight, and it's not. I'm not going to seek your. Your permission to wear.

That's it. Yes. It's in all of these little micro moments. Because just notice what you're saying. Like so many of your decisions that you go to make are, is this going to make her happy? Is this going to get her attention? Is this going to get me validation from her? And so I want you to start to make a lot of these micro decisions to say, what do I want to do regardless of how she feels?

And maybe that's. I'm gonna. I'm gonna go out for dinner tonight by myself or with a buddy. So those are the decisions. We can talk about it more. We're gonna have to pause and wrap up for today, but we'll follow up and maybe we'll have round two in the not so distant future. And we'll talk about the sex intimacy. Intimacy side. Thank you so much for joining.

Thank you. Thank you, Connor.

We'll talk soon. Everybody else out there, don't forget to man it forward and let me know what you thought of our conversation today, because this is a very, very common challenge for a lot of men who grew up with mothers that withheld some love. So talk to you next time.

Thank.

You.