A short YouTube talk by Connor Beaton about the concept of neglect, focused on how many men neglect their own needs—often due to childhood experiences—and how that creates deficits in intimate relationships. He outlines common neglected domains (physical health, social connection, goals, mental stimulation), urges listeners to list their neglected needs and pick one to prioritize for a week, and explains how self-prioritization improves relationship dynamics.
Chapters
So today we're gonna talk about a very simple question, and we're gonna talk about a very simple concept, which is the concept of neglect. And I recently posted about this on Instagram, and a lot of people love the idea. And so I'm gonna talk about neglect because for many men, one of the biggest challenges that many men are facing is that they neglect their own needs, their own wants, and their own desires. And for many men, they have bought into this notion that. That if I just neglect what I need and prioritize other people, if I just give to them first, if I figure out exactly what my partner needs, what my girlfriend or my wife needs, and I can fulfill that first and I can fill her up, then maybe I'll get my needs met in return. And this is where this concept of, like, happy wife, happy life come from, which is complete nonsense, right? It's just this ridiculous, ridiculous saying that traps people, that traps a lot of men into believing that if I can make her happy first, then maybe I can get what I need and I want in return. And it creates this sort of carrot way of being where a man's happiness and needs are always on the other side of the person that he's dating, getting their needs met first and being happy. So that's one part. The other part is what I want you to know about neglect. I want you to know about neglect, okay, as a man, very specifically, is that neglect is a little insidious in the sense that if you were neglected growing up as a young boy, if your needs were met, neglected, if you were left alone a lot, if you asked for what you needed and you never got it, those types of things. If that was your experience growing up as a child, that neglect will permeate through into your adult life. And there'll be a part of you that fundamentally believes that you're not worthy of getting what you want you not. You're not worthy of getting what you need. And so you act in a way where you actually neglect your own needs so you won't do the things that you ultimately want to do in order to feel fulfilled and happy and satiated. And the byproduct of this is that you'll put more pressure on your partner to meet and fulfill your needs. Okay? Now, this doesn't mean that your partner doesn't play a role in meeting and fulfilling your needs. Of course, that's part of what a relationship is, right? Is that we receive and get love and support and physical attention and appreciation from our partner. And that feels wonderful. And it feels very filling and rewarding. But if we as men are neglecting our own needs, right, we're not going for the hike, we're not going for the workout. We're not prioritizing learning things that light us up and that fuel us. We're not prioritizing investing money or pushing ourselves towards a goal or an aim that inspires us. We're not allowing ourselves to be around other men that. That light us up. If you are neglecting your own needs as a man and what you ultimately need in order to feel full and fulfilled and rewarded, then you'll be operating from a deficit in relationship. And when you are operating as a. From a deficit in relationship, you will naturally need the other person to give you more of the thing that, that you're not willing to give to yourself. So you will need them to prioritize you more, you will need them to give you more compliments, you will need them to spend more time with you. You will need them to give you more sex and validation. I mean, the list just goes on and on and on. So one of the main ways that we need to combat this is you need to get very clear on how you are neglecting yourself as a man, on what you are neglecting in. In your own life. Are you neglecting the needs that you have of working out and being in good shape? Right. That's something that's a primary need for me. I need to prioritize my body. I need to prioritize my strength. I need to prioritize working out and being healthy for me. That is how I operate at my best. Are you prioritizing or neglecting your need for social interaction? Right. Are you neglecting your needs to be around people that you love, other men that you feel fulfilled and rewarded by that you have stimulating conversation with that you have. You're able to talk about some of the challenges in your life that are occurring. So if you're neglecting that within your own life and you're neglecting, maybe you don't have those men in your life to begin with, and you're like, I don't know where to find them. And you're neglecting your own urge to go out and prioritize that, then you're going to put more pressure again on your relationship to be this entity, this vehicle that is sort of making up and compensating for the fact that you don't have those meaningful relationships in your life. So begin by asking yourself the question, what does it look like for me to neglect Myself. What needs am I actually neglecting in my own life? Write it down, right? Make a list and then choose one specific need that you're going to prioritize for the next week. Maybe you need mental stimulation and so you can prioritize learning or reading a very specific book. Maybe you prioritize journaling on a daily basis. Journaling has been shown to be a very effective tool for helping us as individuals to better understand who we are, what we want, what makes us happy, what fuels us, what drives us. So that could be a very good resource for you to dig into. So what needs are you neglecting? Write them down. Make a commitment to yourself to prioritize one of those needs. And in doing so, if you're in a relationship, notice that as you begin to prioritize your own needs, how you interact with your partner changes, what you expect from your partner shifts and alters, and how they're able to trust you and interact with you will deepen because you will show that your needs are a priority. You will show that what matters to you is important. And you will begin to, through your own embodiment and example, show the person that you're with that your needs are relevant and that they should be prioritized, and that that's a part of a healthy, meaningful relationship. And you might encourage them to do the same thing as well. Comment below. Let me know what you got from this video. Neglect is a very interesting thing that many people struggle with. And if you are somebody that was neglected as a kid growing up, it's almost always that somebody that was neglected in the childhood is going to have carried that forward into their adult life. And it might not show up in your health or in your finances. It's very likely to show up in your intimate relationship. This is where a lot of nice guys struggle, right? The classic nice guy is somebody who felt like their needs and wants were neglected as a boy. And so they have operated from that place, from that way of existence and their adult relationships. They continue to have the neglect in their own life, and they are the ones that are now in the seat of neglecting. So rather than being a parent or a caregiver, it's actually you as an individual that's neglecting your own needs. And so you need to learn the skill of prioritizing your own needs. You need to learn the skill of making your own wants, your own desires. What fulfills you a priority in your life, because that may not have been a skill that, that you were given as a young boy, as a young man. So comment below. Let me know what you thought about this. Let me know what you have done to combat self neglect and lead yourself into a more robust way of operating in the world of prioritizing your own needs, your own wants, whether that's physically, mentally, healthily, healthily, health wise, sexually, et cetera. So comment below. And until next week, this is Connor Beaton signing off.
