GS Youngblood - Embodying Masculinity, Creating Structure, and Moving Into The Heart

Foreign.

Welcome to the man talk show. Training for men, Answers for women. I am Connor Beaton. Joining me today is GS Youngblood. GS Coaches men in relationships on how to live, love and lead from their best masculine core. He's been a student and creator in the field of men's work and authentic relating for over 12 years. Through this lens of masculine leadership, he also pulls in principles from a variety of fields. Psychology, martial arts, tango, meditation, and bdsm. All of his writings are filtered through the laboratory of his and his clients real world long term relationships, including the success and spectacular failures to see what he actually learns, actually works and what doesn't. So if you want to check out some of his work today, we're going to be talking about his latest book, the Masculine in Relationship. And the subtitle for that is a blueprint for inspiring the trust, lust and devotion of a strong woman. So we talk about a few different principles today on this show, a few different topics, but really GS Brings a unique look. If you've heard John Weiland on the podcast before, GS has worked with him for quite a few years and is a student of his. So you will hear some of the language being similar, but I think one of the main things that I really appreciate about his book is the different elements within the book. So he talks about respond versus react, provide structure and create safety. And so we actually walk through.

Each of the chapters in this book and sort of dive into where we make mistakes as a masculine in the relationship and what we can look out for and how we actually engage in emotional conversations and, you know, turning conflict into connection and how. How it actually looks to respond from a place of grounded masculine embodiment versus reactive, from a reactive shadow masculine. That's my. My language. So hopefully you enjoy this episode. I definitely encourage you, if you're in a relationship, to listen to this with your partner. There's some great wisdom and insight in here. And without any other further delay, please welcome Mr. G.S. youngblood.

Thank you, Connor. Great to be here.

Yeah, pleasure to. Pleasure to have you. All right, well, let's dig in with the question that I ask all my guests, which is tell us a story about a defining moment in your life that made you who you are today.

Hmm.

It's. It's a moment of failure, actually. The one that comes up. And so several years back, and a woman who I was very in love with said that she wanted to break up with me because she felt like there wasn't enough heart in the relationship. And, you know, at the time, I Didn't know what that meant. You know, I think a lot of guys, including me at the time, thought heart was, oh, I need to be more romantic, or, you know, read her a poem or something like that. And it just didn't really translate for me in my male mind at that time. And, and that was, that relationship did not last. And it was, it was painful, really painful for me. And it was through that that I, I found the motivation to actually dig in, you know, what does that mean? And I was lucky enough to get tapped into a lot of resources, John being one of them, both you and I know, but there were others. And for the last few years, that's been kind of the track that my masculine development has been on. My personal development. It's really, how can I live more from my heart? And it's made a huge difference in my life, in my relationships and how I see the world. And, you know, too bad it took failure in a relationship to bring me to that point. But I'm grateful for it and I'm grateful for where it brought me today.

Nice, nice. Well, I appreciate you sharing that. And I'm curious if you can give more context for the men and women that are listening to this in terms of what that shift looks like or feels like. And if you are sort of looking back at that time life, just being able to distinguish or define the difference between the two. I think one of my favorite quotes is like, the longest journey a man will ever take is 18 inches from his head to his heart. I think it's applicable, I think it's very true. And I also believe that most people struggle to be able to understand what that actually means. What does that journey look like? So can you just unpack a little bit of what your journey has looked like to moving into the heart and how that's shown up in relationships?

Yeah, I write about this and it's the last chapter in the book about heart. And some of the things I write about are we live in such an information heavy society, getting worse all the time as we all just stare at our phones all day. And I spent most of my career actually in Silicon Valley in the high tech industry. So, you know, processing, analyzing, always in the head, getting reinforced moment by moment in my life. So it starts with pausing and getting out of your head. And I know that's a bit of a cliche these days, you know, get out of your head, get into your body. But.

You know, not everybody knows how to do that. And so I think a really strong daily embodiment practice, breathing, moving, meditation over a very long period of time is step one, so that you can just sink down into your body and be more in the now. And I think the next step is really developing a sense of empathy where you, you know, as other people are sharing something with you that might be meaningful for them. It's not just you're hearing it and receiving it and analyzing it. What do you think about that? It's. You can actually feel, you can feel into them. And by the way, men, that's a great skill for any man to have that I think most women deeply appreciate is when you can actually feel their pain. And so I think that's phase two is developing that sense of empathy. And then for me, it just, it shows up. I found in my life, it showed up trying to think of the right word. I don't want to say gravitas, that's not quite the right word, but there's a, there's. If I go into that space within myself, you know, I slow down, There is a little bit more gravitas. I can, I can see and feel what's happening in between, you know, in the interrelating between myself and the other person. Yeah, I just, I can, I can feel my own pain. I can feel the pain of the world all while I can still be here with you. You know, I can feel the ache in my heart while I'm being with you. And you. We're not in an intimate moment, you and I, Connor, but, you know, the. You being someone you are within an intimate moment, that's a really powerful skill. And, and.

So this is a lot, what I coach men on is some actual techniques to really be able to feel in the moment and be with the other. And it's been very powerful for me and very powerful for many of the men that I work with.

Yeah, I mean, I think it's, I think it's interesting because we get, I think the sort of male culture, masculine culture is predicated on the idea that we, that we should, or that we find value in our ability to be hyper analytical, be extremely logical. Right. And so we. I know for myself and for a lot of the men that I've worked with over the years, we get rewarded for being, being and living in our head. Right. It's like.

When you think about what you get rewarded for, there's a lot. Society gives you a lot of rewards for disconnecting from your body, from disconnecting from your heart, from, from moving more fully into your head. And it's very Interesting that now there's a really big sort of wave or movement of trying to not reverse that, but just teach these practices that have been around for a very, very, very long time that men, warriors, you know, leaders of the past, they knew they lived in some way, shape or form. Not all of them obviously, but lineage is there, right? And so when you think about the average man and how this shows up in his relationship.

How can the average man start to create a little bit more embodiment in his life? What does that look like, feel like for you?

Yeah, it's a really easy question to answer. It's daily embodiment practice. And just like you'd go to the gym and, you know, you commit to going to the gym or running every day. This is something you have to commit to every day. And I imagine you're a deep practitioner, Connor, just knowing, you know, what I know of you, but this is something that's every day. One day doesn't do a thing. Just like one day of curls won't change the size of your biceps. And so there's a lot of resources out there. I've got some. My teacher John has some. You've probably got a ton that you can point men to, but men, find yourself some, some structure. A couple of things that I recommend to men is number one, you get an accountability partner. Just like exercise, it's just going to keep you on track much more. When you have to show up at, you know, 7am on Zoom every day with somebody to use a timer. Don't leave it to yourself to figure out when you're going to quit. Just set a time frame, 10 minutes if that's all you can do. It's better than nothing. It's a lot better than nothing. And set that timer and go till, till the timer ends. Commit to it. And what I would say, you know, look, it took me, I mean, I tried to start meditating 20 plus years ago and it didn't, it really didn't stick with me for the first 10 years. And it was only when I got dedicated and then I saw results, then I got hooked. And I think it's again, it's a lot like exercise. When you start to see results, then you just get motivated. So, you know, stick with it. You will see results and, you know, you will get hooked. I think when you see the impact on your life.

Great. So tell me, tell me a little bit about the, the.

Desire to write this book. Right, so you, you wrote the Masculine in Relationship, which, you know, I think a lot of Men, I've noticed, come into doing deep work, doing these embodiment practices through the vehicle of relationship. So before, before we get into the book, why do you feel that is. Why. Why is it that so many men. Access. Access, interpersonal work, spiritual work, mental, emotional work through the vehicle of relationship?

Yeah, it. Because it's. It's the easiest thing and the quickest thing to set off our triggers and trick trigger is everything. I write it in the book about being in a state of threat. And, you know, I mean, I'm. What I'm about to say I include myself in, you know, when I'm not in a state of thread. Like, yeah, I show up pretty well in the world and then when I go into a state of threat, I'm at my worst. And I do things that later on I think, God, why did I say or do that? Why did I act like that? And so the feminine puts us in. Well, I'll just say relationship because I think it's more generic. The relationship can put us into that. You know, it's when you have a primal connection with somebody. Anything that kinks that can set you into a panic. And I don't know if you've ever read some of the work of Sue Johnson, who wrote Hold Me Tight, but she talks a lot about that and I was really influenced by that. And, you know, that primal connection gets kinked and it'll send anybody into a panic.

Yeah, funny you mentioned Sue Johnson in. I grew up in Canada, in Alberta, and she used to. Sue Johnson used to have a radio show like back in the 90s. And I remember, I remember, like me and my buddies sometimes would tune into her sex show. I can't remember exactly what it was called, but it was like this taboo moment of, you know, learning about relationships and sex and, you know, dildos and shit like that.

Wow, there's a.

There's a whole big world out there. And then, you know, fast forward a decade or so later and I'm reading her books and taking in all that information and. Yeah, just that triggered a funny memory.

Great.

Well, tell me a little bit about the book itself. What are some of the core principles in terms of masculine in relationship? Like where. Where do most men need to start when they're showing up in relationship? I know you mentioned threat, which is a. Which is a big one, right? Because I think one of the things you talk about is the difference between respond and react. And that's a huge one that I think a lot of men can start to learn and practice and embody much like you're talking about. So, yeah, maybe let's just. Maybe let's just start there.

Yeah, I'll. I'll give the whole framework. So I have this blueprint, and it's a framework, and I really wanted to give guys the ability to know exactly what to do. You know, a lot of men, I'm sure you've experienced this in your coaching and leading groups, they just. It's like, just tell me what to do, man. You know, tell me what to do. So I tried to make it as practical because a lot of the resources out there, they sometimes they're kind of like the go be an alpha male kind of genre, but they don't really actually tell you anything. They just kind of cheerlead. And then there's the, what I call fuzzy spiritual guide, which it can be awesome and helpful in certain ways, but it's still a little fuzzy. So I tried to make it very practical. So the first element is, as you said, respond versus react. The second element is provide structure, and third element is create safety. For me, that's the model of a man showing up this masculine. And, you know, you do those three things and you're going to be more in your power. And so the first one, the most important one, and the first one, I think is respond versus react. And that's. It's just foundational. And, you know, that's the quality of a man who's got a certain stillness about him, a groundedness. And he lives his life out of choice. Moment by moment, you know, stimuli come in, people upset with him, challenges in life. And he's not reactive, he's not defensive. He doesn't withdraw or hide from these things. He is able to be grounded and choose how to respond to that. And the core of that, where you get thrown off, as I said earlier, is going into a state of threat. And so what does that mean, state of threat? It's not getting mugged in the street, that kind of threat, as we're talking about. But really it's any. We're all afraid to disappoint others, you know, to varying degrees. And if we disappoint others, we'll lose love, we'll lose acceptance, we'll lose validation. And the prospect of that will send most people into some form of a state of threat. And it doesn't have to be dramatic. You know, it can be just a subtle tightening that you might not even notice. But it. It's, you know, it affects your behavior just a little bit and usually creates what. What I think a lot of people call approval seeking behavior where you just, you kind of course correct in little minor ways with people, you know, trying to get their little signs of their approval. You know, they, they, they continue talking to you, they smile, they agree with you, they keep engaging. And that's the kind of behavior that really creates a lot of what I think of as non masculine behaviors, you know, when you're not in your power. So I, for me, step one is, you know, men start to become aware of you, of that state of threat, you know, that sense of disappointing others, that tightening, start to create an awareness of that. And then the next step from that is really go into your embodiment practices, take on a real regular practice of embodiment. Because what that does is it bring you, as you know, it brings you down into your body and you sort of get below all these thoughts that kind of go around in your head about disappointing others and, and things like that. And once you're below those thoughts, then they have that much less effect on you. You're down in your body and just thinking less. So that's what I recommend to men. And then the third element in the book of this respond versus react, is getting to know your emotions. And I know it's cliche. A man getting to know his emotions has been pretty cliche for a long time. I just try to give my own perspective on emotions.

What's the essence of fear and how do you deal with it? What's the essence of sadness and shame and how do you deal with those? And then probably the most important one for me is anger because I think a lot of guys struggle with that. They either had a aggressive father and then they vowed never to do that, or just for whatever reason, anger wasn't acceptable in their, in their family of origin. And so I give my framework for how to, you know, how a man can channel his anger. Because anger, anger is awesome. It's a red flag for what's important to you. It tells you what's important and it says, wake up, pay attention, what's happening here? So I go through some protocols to deal with that. So that's kind of the respond versus react in a nutshell.

Nice. I appreciate that distinction. Yeah, I mean, I think one of the interesting things, like I do a lot of working with the shadow and working with the shadow of our psyche. And I think one of the interesting things is that reactivity, our, our relationship to reactivity often is pointing towards something that, that we need to work on within ourselves, whether it's an, an insecurity trying to express itself, whether it's a fear that is coming forward, right? A fear of, of losing someone or having someone pull away or not like us or whatever the case may be. I mean, reactivity is just one of the most informative components of, of our, of our mind in many, many ways. And it's, it's really interesting because I love what you're talking about in terms of getting tuned into and dialed into the threat. And for most guys, I think what they struggle with. I can hear myself like 10 years ago listening to you right now and be like, well, how do I just even get out of my thoughts? You know, Like, I think that that's a huge challenge for a lot of guys because when reactivity pops up, they're, they go straight into analysis. Paralysis, right? It's just rumination, rumination trying to figure out what to do and how to do it and what to say and yada, yada, yada. And so when you talk about embodiment, what does embodiment or how does embodiment start to shift our relationship with that? Mental masturbation, for lack of a better term.

Yeah, exactly. Okay, I love the question because it's the right one, guys, you know how. Why would that help me? Tell me. I think it's very simple. And this is how I look at it. You only have, or you know, any human only has so much attention. You have a finite capacity of tension and just visualize it as like a spotlight. You know, you can point it wherever you want. And you know, for the most guy, for the most part, guys are kind of what they're were, single beam people, unlike women who can multitask. So you get that attention most of the time it's pointed up in your head, right, because you've worn that groove. Because what you said, number one, the world rewards us for that. And two, just when you do it every day, that's the groove that's going to get worn. So when you start to tune into sensations, when you start to have movement, practices, anything that, that starts to give you awareness of the body, you know, and you turn that beam of attention down there, basically it just crowds out the thoughts. If you were focused on your body, you just really don't have enough capacity and bandwidth to think about your thoughts. It's just capacity. And so in any given moment, even as if I just sit here, Connor, and I'm looking at you and I might be thinking, okay, shit, what's he going to ask me next? So I don't sound silly. I better try to analyze this or I can continue to keep my eyes on you. And I can feel the seat on my butt and I kind of feel the temperature of the air on my skin a little bit. And as I'm feeling that, I can't even think about what question you're going to ask me. It just crowds it out. So all you're doing is building that muscle of having the spotlight tuned into the body sensations. And so use the senses, use the touch. Touch is the number one thing you can use. The feel of the breath going through the nostrils, the feet on the ground, the, the tickle on the arm, you know, all those. You can tether you to the present because those physical sensations are here in the now and they're there. You're tethered to the now.

So that's my answer. It's about, you have finite capacity. If you train yourself to turn it on your physical sensations, you just won't have any capacity left to be in your thoughts. It's really that simple.

Yeah, I think that's such a concise explanation of it that I think resonates, will hopefully resonate with a lot of the people listening. I think one of the major things is, you know, you talk about emotions.

And.

I think that a lot of men specifically struggle to tune into their emotions because they're so locked in this, in this mode of analyzing or rationalizing or, you know, stick to logic. And, and when we can start to tune into the body and we can start to tune into some of the emotions that are in there, I think one of the challenges a lot of men have is like, oh, you know, my, my partner wants me to be more open. I don't even know what that means. My partner wants me to share more, be more vulnerable. I'm not really too sure what that means. And I think the, the, the power in what you're describing, and this is something that, that we teach as well on, on our side, is that when you start to get into that embodied practice, you have a. You tune into the quality of the emotions that you're experiencing, but you also tune into the physical sensations that you're experiencing. And you have a whole other set of data from which you can communicate. And I am going to, I'm going to take this in a direction of why is this important for the feminine? Because I think that that's also something that I can hear my older self or some of the listeners, you know, wanting to understand. So when you start to embody and you Start to connect to those, those emotions that are, that are within you. Why is that important for the feminine and why is it important within context of relationships?

Yeah, the, the number one thing the feminine has in their field of attention is the quality of connection between, you know, all of us, or particularly between them and their intimate partner in this moment. And all those thoughts, all those reactions that are in, going on inside of a man, that's a me, that's all within him. So it's all about me, me, me, me, me. It is nothing about the we. And they want to feel the we. And they're relating at that feeling level. And if you're not there, it's like, where the are you? You know, like they can't feel you, you might as well not be there. And it's maddening to them. And I think that's what most guys don't get. It's maddening to them. You know, think of something that maddens you in your life as a man and just. That's the corollary. It drives them nuts and makes them feel really scared.

It's like, it's like. I think the analogy that I usually use at men's weekends is like, okay, choose your favorite sport. Now imagine that you're sitting in the stands and you're watching the game happen. And all of a sudden the referee makes a call like, what the fuck are you watching? What game are you watching, man? Like, what's happening? And that, that for. That, for the feminine is like how I equate it because my, my wife every once in a while would be like, where are you? Like, what's, where are you right now? I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm totally in my head. Totally. I'm just, I'm thinking about business, I'm thinking about work. And there's merit to that, right? Like, I think every once in a while, like, we need to be able to, to consciously look at our thoughts and consciously be aware of what we're thinking because that's. It's still important data. It's not that we want to throw the baby out with the bathwater, but we can do it from an embodied place. Right? We can observe. We can observe and sort of witness. And this is a meditative practice, right? The vipassana, being mindful. But, um, that's, that's the analogy that I usually use and it.

Goes over.

Well, you're a genius, Connor. That's very good analogy.

Tell me a little bit about providing structure. I think one of the, one of the main Things that, that a lot of men struggle with is being is their relationship to structure. And one of the interesting things that you were talking about before is just the dichotomy between some of the books that are out there, some of the resources that are out there that are either hyper spiritual and somewhat spiritually bypassing or like this reinforcing of macho hyper alpha. Why do you. And I'm going to make an assumption here, but I have noticed that there is this sort of rise of very sort of macho alpha, you know, archetype that is reemerging within the culture. And, and I, I hesitate to label it as good or bad, but I'm curious to get your perspective. I know this is just going to deviate for a second and I'll pull us back in. But why do you feel like there is an emergence of that right now and is there value to it? Because I think I see a lot of men that are, that are teaching or that are teachers and some of it seems.

Somewhat damaging, you know, where it's like I, I see like a lot of the young men that are watching these guys and I'm like, you are getting, you're getting some very interesting information. So why do you feel like there's this resurgence or reemerge, re immersion of, of this sort of like macho alpha architect?

Yeah, I, I think that everything that happens is a reaction to what came before it, you know, and so the pendulum has swung. Women are so powerful, men have been so overly told that they're all toxic masculine and they need to be nice guys. So the pendulum is, is going to overswing the other way. And I think that to me that explains some of the rise of, of kind of the macho culture coming back. You know, for me the, the ideal man. And this has been validated by many, many really tuned in women that, that I've talked to or worked with or no. You know, the ideal man, he's in his heart and he's in his primal. He's got dark and he's got light and he's got both. And so in terms, I'm going to use my framework, but in terms of macho culture, that's all primal and it's all provides structure, you know, and they go overboard where they're basically trying to domineer everybody and control everybody. So they're way too heavy on provide structure. Then there's kind of like the new age man. I know, you know, this archetype as well. You know, it's like I'm so evolved and I'm more, I'm even more evolved than you. You know, like there's a, everybody's trying to one up each other and they wear it on their sleeve and that's like all heart and this, you know, there's some merit to that. And then in the, in my three part blueprint, that's all about create safety. But unfortunately they take it so far. They're so safe that they're like freaking boring to most women. And so, you know, for me the combination is, it's, it's heart and primal. It's provide structure and create safety. And it's that combination that actually makes you a uni. Attractive man to the feminine.

Yeah. So good. Such a, such a good explanation. So when you know in your book you talk about providing structure and you, you go into desire and that's like the first entry point. So maybe just unpack that a little bit for us in terms of how, how to, maybe not how to create structure within desire, but why is that important?

Well, if you're going to create structure for anybody else, and creating structure and order in the world around you I think is a core component of mascul. If you're going to do that, the first step before you do anything is to actually know what you want. And a lot of guys just don't. They, a lot of guys I've met or coached, they pride themselves on being easygoing guys like, look, I'm, I'm just, I can roll. And you know, and unfortunately the feminine experiences, that is like where are you and what do you stand and what do you even like, what are your preferences, what are your boundaries? And you feel floppy when, when you actually aren't tuned into what you need, what you want, what you prefer and what your boundaries are and what you will not accept. So for me, the first thing I do in that coaching continuum with a guy is really do some exercises around that, you know, getting him tuned into what he wants in any particular moment. And just like the embodiment practices, it's a muscle you have to build and so you have to do it over time. And you know, in any given moment it's like, okay, what do I want? Whether it's in relation to other people or just by myself. And so if you're going to provide structure, if you're going to provide order, if you're going to, I'm going to take it even further. If you're going to go into domination and command, which can be like catnip to the feminine in certain cases, you've got to know what it is that you want. And so that's the first step of providing structure for others.

Yeah. Can you go a little bit deeper into the catnip idea?

We won't deviate too far, but, you know, I think that probably piqued the ears of a few listeners. So.

I agree with you 100%. Is something that, you know, again, in workshops, my wife and I will.

Take some more advanced people down the path of, like, how do you use commands? How. What does a power dynamic look like within a relationship that you can create really sort of potent, healthy desire.

Yeah.

So maybe just say a little bit more about why. Why that is and how that shows up, and maybe, like, we can explore what that looks like from our end. Yeah.

The. You know, we live in a strange world where women are now as much in their power and capability as men. And there's still a feminine core that wants to relax into the direction of other. That wants to relax into the direction of the masculine. And so you can have a very powerful woman who.

Sometimes, in a moment of intimacy, actually wants to be commanded by you. And the problem is, you know, all the guys are scared of these new, powerful women, and they want to be egalitarian and kind of be equals. They think that's what they're supposed to do. And after a while, a lot of the women I know, that bores the shit out of them when it's always egalitarian. And so it's a gift for you to. Again, inappropriate moments, inappropriate ways to bring some command, to bring some clarity and some direction, even to the point of telling her what to do or dominating her in the bedroom. And. But. And I have to say this while I'm talking about domination, but domination, in my view, only works when it's coupled with heart. Like, you can't just stroll in, be like, I'm Christian Gray. Get down. You know, like, you just. You can't do things like that. It doesn't feel good. So you have to actually couple it with heart. And actually, this is something I. I distinctly remember David Data teaching this to me in one of his workshops 10 years ago. And it was. It was a lesson that stuck with me for a while. So.

You know, coming back to your question, it's like, these women are so much in their power and capability and getting stuff done all day. It is a godsend when they can come home and relax into your direction. I mean, it's. It's at the primal level. And it, again, will make you Uniquely attractive if you can master both the light energies, the heart, and the dark energies, the command. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, it is a, an interesting dynamic because there's so many powerful women that are out there in the dating world. I mean, I get, I get questions all the time like, where are the men that are. That, that can lead me in moments, you know, not lead me in life. I don't, I don't need him, like, lead me in all these ways. But, but like maybe sometimes in the bedroom, maybe sometimes just in, in dates and you know, decision making in some of those areas where I just, you know, I, I crush all day. I, you know, I'm able to manage my career and like all these other pieces and sometimes I just don't want to make those choices. But I feel like the, the masculine and many men are still just sort of walking on eggshells. They're not really too sure how to get into that. But I also think that this is a skill set issue.

Right.

I think when you look at the education, the sexual education that most men have had, it's come from porn. And so their idea of what domination looks like is oftentimes like, borderline abusive. Right. Because they've been watching some fucked up hardcore porn and they're like, oh, this is what, this is what domination means, right. It's like, I should do this crazy. And it's like, well, like maybe that's disconnected from your heart, right? That's not an embodied sense of leadership. So I think I just wanted to make that distinction because I think what we are talking about is radically different from the quote unquote domination that maybe some men and women have seen in the past based on where they've learned about sex. And so that's an important piece of it. Which brings me to the next piece, which is you talk about sexual leadership in the, in the book, which I think is such a powerful, much needed concept right now because we, we are sort of in this odd time where sexual liberation is happening. More people are making homemade porn than ever. And this, there's sort of like this, this re. Emergence of the 60s that is sort of happening again in that. In a more integrated way. And yet sexual leadership seems to be a bit absent in, in some communities. And so talk to me a little bit about how do you define sexual leadership? And then I think let's, let's move into, like, how do we start to cultivate this within our lives?

Sure. So a lot of guys, and I mean a lot are sitting around in relationship and you Know, frustrated that their wife doesn't or girlfriend doesn't want to have more sex with them. They're waiting for her to be, you know, ready to have sex and they're just waiting and waiting and waiting. And then they get frustrated, they get pissed at her. And, you know, it could then, you know, take to the extreme, their strain, you know, elsewhere and families are being broken up because of it. What men don't realize is that you can lead your woman into her sexuality, into her pleasure, you know, and you just have to learn the techniques. Just like you said, it's a, it's a skill set issue. And so in the book, what I talk about is how do you create a container where her sexuality will naturally open? And I go through things like, you know, the first one is, is even just timing. I, I had a girlfriend once who, you know, I loved sex in the morning. And but, you know, you have to get up and do your day. And so one of her things that held her back was she was worried that she would stay in bed too long, get lost in the moment. And so she just didn't even want to start. So what I would do is set a timer, all right, 25 minutes or 20 minutes, whatever time frame we had, I would set a timer and say, okay, when that goes off, we'll get right out of bed. And then she relaxed and then she could actually allow herself to be more sexual. So that's a pretty, that sounds like a pretty simple thing, but it actually flipped the switch of whether her body was open to me or whether her body was close to me. So that was, you know, that's timing, where you can be the master of timing. And you've created a time container within which she can now relax. Environment. You know.

If you light the candles beforehand, if you make sure the temperature is right in the bedroom, and other environmental factors that will allow her senses to not be jarred. That's going to help her open. And again, it's a very simple thing. It doesn't have anything to do with sexual technique or whether or not she's turned on. You're just putting these factors in place. So I think there's eight of them in the book that, that men can read. And you can do all those whether or not she's turned on or not. And then hopefully they create that container where it leads to her sort of relaxing into her body. Because you know this as well as anybody, Connor. Like they have to relax in order for their bodies to open. So men, you can change the equation you can do things that don't require her to be initially turned on, that you can lead her into her openness. So learn those, practice those, Put those into practice. So that's the first part of sexual leadership for me that. That I write about in the book. Yeah.

And I think. I think this is, you know, the way that you structured the. The book of going into respond versus react is so important because if you don't have those pieces first, if you're not. If you're not practicing some form of embodiment, right. Breath work, you know, yogic practices, etc. Leading in that way can be very challenging because if you're still stuck in your head, this is where ruminating thoughts and analysis, paralysis and performance anxiety really start to come up. All of a sudden, a man steps into leadership. And I've seen this so many times with the men that I've worked with in person at the weekends, and they're like, okay, so I lit the candles, I got the room temperature right? And then I realized that I was, like, sitting in this hole ambience. And all of a sudden I felt this immense amount of pressure to perform. And I think this brings in this other component of. Of masculine value or male value, where we are. We are highly valued. And I think individually, we see our worth attributed by our ability to perform. And so I think sexual leadership is a. Is a very important and can be a very freeing avenue for a lot of men because it confronts them with their. With their performance anxieties, with how they attribute their ability to perform. So can you just. Can you speak to that a little bit in terms of how. How performance plays into sexual leadership? Because I think it's something that. That definitely needs to be talked about.

And when you say performance, you mean, like, how well you perform, or is it the performance anxiety piece?

Both. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's. I mean, it's. It's squarely in the ground that we've. We've covered earlier in this talk is just you're in your head, you're thinking about what you're supposed to be doing, and that's a boner killer. We all know that.

Yeah. Am I doing this right? Is this fast enough? Is this too slow?

Yeah.

Quickly. Is my. You know, am I hard enough? Like, all. Oh, she is doing this, like, all those pieces.

Yeah, totally. So I have a few suggestions for men who are in that spot. Number one, as you're starting out, just don't, like, put so much damn pressure on yourself to get to the sex. It's like, baby, lay down. I'm going to give you, I'm going to give you a massage. And what you're doing is number one, you're getting her into her body because your touch would presumably be doing that. And then just, you know, the act of touching her body where you're not having to perform in any way other than giving her the massage, you know, that can help you get into your body. And more often than not, you'll just forget about your thoughts after a while because you're enjoying touching your woman. And then instinct will just take over. I mean, or the bodily reactions will just take over. The other thing that I recommend for men that are just constantly in their head thinking about performance is really open a dialogue with your woman about this. And obviously that's easier in us, in a, you know, sort of an ongoing relationship rather than short term dating, you know, and just get really.

Vulnerable about it. And the more that you can talk to about it with her, the more you can bring it out into the light. You know, shame can't survive the light of day. And so, you know, you just got, you have to talk to her about it and get to a point where she's in the canoe with you about those things. And that's hard for a man. You know, none of us want to show our vulnerability. Well, guess what, guys, if you can't get an erection and you're not speaking to it, she's going to be thinking, what the fuck? Because you're, you're hiding it. She's, you know, there's a reason you can't get an erection and she thinks it's probably because you're not attracted to her or you're not in love with her. So that's going to piss her off. So even though it's hard to be vulnerable about performance shortcomings, you know, temporary performance shortcomings, like you got to get it out in the open. It's gonna, it's gonna pay dividends in a lot of ways. And once you take the shame away from it, I think you'll find that you stop having performance anxiety. Unless you've got a medical problem, that's a different story. But so, you know, do things to get into your body with her without going into the, you know, the cortis and then really bring your insecurities out into the light and have a dialogue with your woman, an ongoing dialogue. And now I think those can be very powerful for somebody with performance anxiety.

Yeah, I mean, I've noticed that for quite a few Men cultivating the skill set of sexual leadership has actually been a very liberating component of their life. You know, men that have lacked confidence in many different areas of their life and then commit to developing a skill set of sexual, even like in their marriage or in their, you know, in their dating life, and it can really blossom. An individual, both a man and a woman.

Right.

Because there's. We live in a culture where. Where our sexual desires are largely hidden behind the scenes. Like, we don't talk about it, we're not educated about it. And so it's one of these things that there is an immense amount of shame, and shame is one of those suppressive emotions. Right. So when shame comes up, our other emotions get suppressed. And then, you know, we. We really struggle to feel into the body, and that's when we move very much into our head. So I really appreciate the, The. The guidance for the listeners there. Okay, let's talk about creating safety, because I feel like this is. This is a. This is a big one. I get messages all the time from guys who are like, my, you know, my wife or my partner says that, you know, I'm not safe to be around, or I make her feel unsafe. Like, what does that even mean? What am I doing? So let's talk about the basics. What. Why is. Why is safety so important for the feminine?

Yeah.

And. And let's just have a little bit of a discourse around this sort of like, masculine responsibility within that.

Yeah. So why is safety so important for the feminine? You know, for me, that it's two things. One, they have a. They feel everything more than we do. I think everybody gets that. But that means that anything, any turbulence that comes in, any emotional turbulence, like, they're just getting buffeted all over the place, they're feeling it way more than you. So for you, something that's kind of a blip on the radar emotionally. For her, it's a tsunami. And so just the mere fact that they feel everything more means that the, you know, the joys of the highs are higher, which is great. We love that. But the lows can get low. And so they're not. They're not going to feel safe. When you're doing things like.

Hiding your emotions, you know, suppressing your emotions like that is something that. It's like a, you know, Krypton Tor. What was it in Star Wars? The Krypton, the proton torpedo. You know, it goes right into the shaft and really.

Yeah.

Gets to them in a way, so invalidating their emotions. That's another thing that Makes them feel safe because they don't feel safe to just be themselves and what's real in the moment. And if you can't, if you don't know how to receive their emotions, that makes them feel very unsafe. The other piece of this is they have a physical unsafety that we men often don't realize. You know, the way that they walk through the world, especially if it's a beautiful woman, you know, they have to look over their shoulder and if they're going to go to their car late at night, you know, by themselves, like they have fears of physical unsafety that you and I don't. And so that can put them on edge as well. So I think it's, it's, you know, things like that all in that realm that create a general sense of unsafety. With a woman and in relationship, like I said, if you're not receiving her emotions, if you're hiding your own emotions, if you are being defensive, if you're cutting her off and withdrawing like these things, I mean, it just sends them off the charts in terms of unsafety. And then when they feel unsafe, their body closes, their heart closes, they become more irritable, they become bitchy, they become critical. All those things that, you know, a lot of men experience in relationship, unfortunately.

Yeah, I think, I think one of the things that I've noticed over the years in, in doing this work is that where we can get stuck and, and I definitely noticed this in, in, in, in my past is wanting the feminine or wanting a woman to be different. You know, like not, not wanting to meet, like it's, I always say, like, like, you know, meet reality on reality's terms. It's like, it's very similar in, with, with, with a woman. It's like, not that you, not that you need to acquiesce to her terms, not that you need to, you know, any of those things, but, but meet her where she is and, and that means, you know, that means accepting and embracing.

Some of, some of that experience that's different from yours. Right. Again, like you said, that blip on the radar that you experience might feel like something much bigger to her. And wanting that to be different, wanting that to change isn't going to change anything. Right? Like this. It's just going to create conflict and stress and resentment and all those pieces. So, so talk, talk a little bit about, about what a man can do in order to, to start to create that container and that safety for his partner.

Yeah.

So in the, in chapter 14, I have, I think, seven things seven ways to respond when your woman is angry. And you know, one of the core things for me is the phrase in the book is called hear the pain, not the blame. And unfortunately, women's expression often gets inter, you know, there's a little bit of blame and toxicity intermixed in there. It's human, they can't help it. And so that, you know, we then start to react to that like, oh, you're blaming me for being upset? And then we, that's when we kind of can lose it the most. And what we don't realize is that she's just in pain. And even if she's super pissed at us, you know, she's in pain. And that's your partner, that's your beloved, that's in pain over there. Just like if she, you know, like a rock fell on her head and you know, had a gouge in her skull. Like you would be empathetic if it were something like that. But when she's in emotional pain, we sometimes all we hear is the blame. And so hear the pain, not the blame. That's one of the first things that I, that I talk about. Respond with empathy, you know, instead of analyzing or defending or anything that is related to the mind. Empathy, develop empathy. And that's, it's actually a phase that I'm in right now of really having an empathy practice that I'm developing. And this is just empathy is the ability to feel what the other person feels. It's really, it's really not more than that. And you know, it's one thing to be like, oh baby. Yeah, that kind of sucks. Well, she can feel you not feeling it, but if you can be like, oh my God, wow, that is, that is difficult. I cannot believe that you're, you know, having to deal with that. You know, she can feel when you're actually feeling it, it makes a huge difference. Like you don't have to do anything, you don't have to defend yourself. You don't have to come up with a solution. You just have to feel her. And I've noticed in about 70% of the cases, the her emotional state kind of then, you know, starts to calm down. So that's, those are the first two that I have on that list of things that I write about. But there's a lot of techniques that you can use as, as guys, if you can start to perfect those, you know, you can really calm these situations down rather than have them spin out into a two week fight.

Yeah, yeah. So good. I think a lot of. And I know I, I, I was a culprit of this, but a lot of the men that, that I work with intellectualize their partner's emotions. Right? Oh, I understand why you would feel that way. It's like, well, you're not connected to empathetically feeling what her experience is. And so there's a big disconnect. And so what I've, what I've seen time and time again is that men that tend to intellectualize their partner's emotions, their partner doesn't feel like those emotions ever get seen or really heard or truly understood. Right. It's like, okay, you intellectually understand them. That doesn't fucking mean anything to me. Right. It's like, again, this is where, this is where the importance of what we began with, around that practice of embodiment, of being able to say, yeah, I can, I can feel that, you know, I can feel into what that must be like or, you know what? I actually, I don't know what that would feel like. So help explain that to me. Yeah, I don't know, you know.

Yeah, yeah. I have to comment on one thing you said. One of my closest friends right now is going through a tough time with his, his, his partner. And her common refrain is, I can't feel you. And even though he's holding tons of space, you know, he's, he's, he's settled and he's present. She's like, I can't feel you. And so I think this is a lot of men's work, men doing men's work. We think we have to be the mountain. And unfortunately, if they can't feel you, it, you know, it's not going to do any good. And, and they feel it. They know, they know these things. They see right through us.

Yeah, it's like, it's like the misconception about stoicism. Right? Yeah. A lot of men are, are aiming to be very stoic in their demeanor and in, in how they're perceived. But stoicism wasn't a, a rejection of or a void of emotion. It was an, it was a deep intimacy and familiarity with it in a way where you could express from that place. And I think that, that, I mean, amongst a whole bunch of other things, but, but I think that that is really what we're talk cultivating a familiarity and a relationship, an embodied relationship with your own internal experience with your own emotions so that you can relate to the feminine within the world, you know, the feminine within the partner or just your partner.

Yeah, I think stoicism is a phase through which a lot of men need to move through because they have to get from reactive to stoicism to responsiveness, and that's where they have to end up. Don't stop in stoicism. That's. That's only a waypoint on that journey.

Yeah. So let's just. Let's just end off by talking a little bit about responsiveness and just going deeper into that, because I think that's. I know we've touched on it before.

But I do think that it's a good place for us to end.

How.

When you know that you are being responsive within the context of your relationship, what does that look like, feel like, sound like for you?

Well, Viktor Frankl has a great quote, and I'm going to butcher the actual words, but it's, you know, between that space between stimulus and response lies your freedom. And so for me, what it feels like is it's. I allow myself that pause. You know, stimuli comes in and I pause and I tap into what do I feel, what's important to me, what's actually happening right now in this moment. And it makes all the difference in the world because then I feel like I'm choosing how to respond. And, you know, that reactivity where you just. You just pop off feels like shit afterwards. You're like, why did I. Why did I do that? You know, you just. You can't even understand yourself. So it feels like a lot. There's some space opened up into which to interject. Choice and presence is a big part of that. When I have that space, I can stop the movie in my head of about the last five times this happened to me, you know, over the last 20 years. And I can say, okay, what is my. What's happening for my woman actually right now? Like, what's actually happening in front of me? And I'm able to respond to what's actually happening rather than the movie that I project on that. Yeah.

And.

Yeah. So I think that's. I'll leave it at that. At that. That's the short version. Awesome. Any.

Any final words of wisdom of how couples can maybe navigate through quarantine right now? I know that it's a little. It's not. I mean, it is related to the book, it is related to the. To the content that we've been discussing, but any. Any final words on how couples can stay connected?

Use this time where you're locked in together and you don't have as much of the outside world, and find some practices and I can share some I'm sure you know, Connor, the men you work with, you share some with find practices where you can get to know each other and experience each other in a deeper way than you ever have. Even just eye gazing, you know, like, that's not a thing that a lot of couples do, but sit down and eye gaze, sit down and have a. Have a distinct practice of giving each other withhold. So what's one thing that you've been feeling that you. That you've been withholding for days, months, years, decades? And share one each and you get two minutes to express. The other person can't say anything. They just have to receive. And then, you know, you can have some protocol after that. But practices like that where if you're locked up, you could actually deepen your relationship and exit coronavirus with a deeper relationship than you've ever had before. That would be my recommendation to couples.

Awesome. Really great. I love it. I love it. The withholding is a good one to get into. Great. GS. Well, thank you so much. And for everyone that is out there and wanting to learn more about the book, you can go to gsyoungblood.com the book is on there. It's also on Amazon. We'll have the links in the show notes and GS for the people that want to follow along with you and the work that you're doing and the content you put out, where can they find you?

Website's the first step, as you said. But also GS Youngblood1 on Facebook. That's probably the best place to see new posts. I've got a lot of videos both on the Facebook page and the blog, so you can, you can experience more of my teaching there.

Awesome. Wonderful, Wonderful. Well, thanks so much for being on the show. Stay safe during this time. And for everyone that's out there listening, don't forget to share this episode. This might be a good one for you to listen to with your partner or someone that you're dating. So share that with them. And don't forget to leave us a rating and review until next week. This is Connor Ben signing off.