Healing Complex Trauma - A Man's Guide, in Brief

Over the years of working with thousands and maybe tens of thousands of men, I've noticed that many of these men are struggling with a kind of hidden issue that never has really been identified, whether it's they've gone to therapy, they've worked with a psychologist or a coach, and yet they can't seem to create the change that they're ultimately looking for. And generally, these guys come into me and they're still sabotaging, they're still frustrated, they don't like themselves, they're dealing with relationship issues, they're sort of a myriad of problems. And one of the things that they report is just being so frustrated with not knowing what's wrong. And this is a very common theme that I've seen in men. And the reason for this is that many of these men, not all of them, but many of these men are struggling with something called complex trauma. And complex trauma is something that I don't think has gotten enough airtime. It's not as understood as it could be. And there's fewer people that seem to be able to identify this complex trauma. And so today I want to break this down into 3 simple parts that you as a man will be able to use, leverage, and understand to move through some of the sabotage and the challenges that you've been dealing with. What is complex trauma? How do we define it? But complex trauma is actually fundamentally different. It is not one moment. It is a repeated pattern Over time, usually happening when you are young, when your nervous system is still developing. So complex trauma, you can think about it as this recurring thing, kind of like, you know, the Japanese torture, right? Death by a thousand cuts, or having the water drip on your forehead. For people that have had complex trauma, it's very common that you've had a parent, quite often a mom, who was emotionally manipulative to try and get you to be obedient, to comply to what she wanted. And so what you wanted was constantly shut down, pushed through, you know, you wouldn't wanna talk about things. I've worked with a lot of men where they grew up with a mom, divorced family, and their mom would be talking about their dad, right? Her ex-husband in ways where he would say, you know, I don't wanna talk about it. I don't wanna hear that about dad. It's not, that's none of my business. And she would just keep going anyway. Or she would talk about her sex life, or she would talk about other men, you know, and she would talk about— and what this does is it teaches you as a child, which you then become a man, it teaches you that the world isn't safe, neither are relationships, my wants and needs don't matter, and therefore I'm less relevant. So here's the critical part, okay? 'Cause I want you to be able to identify how this is showing up in your life. The critical part is that as adults, we often replay these old survival patterns without even realizing it. These patterns end inadvertently, unconsciously in a way to try and heal them. So someone with complex trauma will likely struggle with the following. They will struggle with trust. They will not trust people, period. It will feel like a threat. It will feel dangerous, it will feel foreign, or they will constantly expect betrayal, right? They will expect to be manipulated. They will expect to be abandoned and neglected. So the other thing, and how this will show up in your adult relationship, is that you are very likely repeating that pattern. Very common that people have complex trauma, they are people pleasers in their adult relationships. Right. Right, they kind of feel, you might feel like a pushover. You might feel like you never stand up for yourself. It might be something that's really terrifying for you to just say, here's what I need, or I didn't like that, or I don't want that. And people that have complex trauma very frequently will disconnect from their own emotions. The other thing, the last piece that is very much an indicator, and I see this specifically with men, for some women, this does show up as well, but for men, this is a big one. It's a big indicator of complex trauma. trauma is the, the real big mood swings, right? Going from— in going from sort of calm, cool, and collected to like a big emotional outburst or a, a really intense anger that comes forward almost out of nowhere, uh, for something that seems so small. That kind of hypersensitivity. And this happens because your nervous system is still stuck in fight or flight And so these little things that trigger you or cause duress in your system, there's no 55 miles an hour. You go from 0 to 100, and that's your nervous system saying, I don't know how to calibrate. I don't know how to regulate. I don't know how to be in duress. And for many men, this is a repetition of what they witnessed growing up, right? Witnessing this kind of sporadic, display of emotions that were volatile and hostile, right? Dropping a glass on the ground and having dad just like lose his mind. And you're like, wait, what just happened? Like, all I did was spill some water, you know, like what's going on? So that's your nervous system kind of stuck in this fight or flight mode. Progress with complex trauma can be measured by really the sort of small incremental shifts, the moments where you would normally just like explode and blow up, And all of a sudden, you're able to just be calm under that stress and duress. The moment where you would normally shut down because you feel unsafe, but you're actually able to engage and stay in the conversation in a grounded manner. These are these moments that you need to celebrate because that is what the progress looked like, okay? So as Carl Jung said, I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become. I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become. So it's not about the stuff that happened to you. It's about what you decide to do with the awareness of what you are now and what you are becoming. That's at the heart of this work. You are not defined by the neglect, by the manipulation, by the sort of volatility that you experienced growing up. You're not defined by those things. You are defined by How you move forward from it. So if this resonates with you, don't forget to man it forward. Share it with somebody that you think needs to hear it, that you know will enjoy it. And until next week, this is Connor Beaton signing off.