Healthy vs. Toxic Shame

Welcome. I'm Connor Beaton and today we're going to be talking about the differences between toxic and healthy shame. Recently, if you're on my email list, you would have received a little bit of an email talking about this on a high level. And I wanted to dive into this topic in a deeper sense for many reasons. Mostly because shame is one of the most misrepresented experiences that we have, but it's also one of the most powerful when it comes to holding us back from achieving our goals, keeping us stuck in behaviors that aren't beneficial to our lives. And it is also the experience that can withhold us from really tapping into a deeper sense of our potential or what we are capable of. So today I'm going to be referring to a few different topics, but really we're going to be sticking to the difference between toxic and healthy shame. And before I dive into that topic, obviously we're getting close to the holidays here and this topic probably supports a lot of people with understanding where their shame shows up around their families because we can really get triggered around that. But I wanted to just let you know just a few, I guess you could say, housekeeping notes first and foremost. If you haven't seen it yet, Vienna and I have re released for the last time the get the Love youe Want course. It's a six week program with 12 modules where we go into family systems, communication, boundaries and intimacy. And we unpack some of the groundwork and the foundation for really powerful and healthy relationships. So whether you are single, whether you are in a relationship, this is an incredibly, incredibly powerful course. This is the last time that Vienna and I will be doing it with live sessions. So if you are interested in that, registration is open. You can go to my Instagram mantalks and it will be in the link in the bio. Other Opportunities we have launched the very first men's weekend for 2020 and it's filling up quick. There's only one or two spots left for the early bird price, so make sure that you head on over to mantalks.com or connorbeaton.com and join there. For the ladies that are listening. If you're interested in giving your man the gift of growth, then definitely check that out. I've had quite a few women reach out and ask if they can get it for their partner for Christmas. Absolutely. Go ahead, sign him up. As long as he has agreed that this is something that he's interested in doing in the past and if he's been interested in doing some self work and reflection. He will do a deep dive here into the shadow and some of the things that have been blocking him. So head on over and check that out. So let's dive into this topic of shame and healthy shame and what the differences are. And I'm going to be referring to a book called Healing the Shame that binds you by John Bradshaw. And this is really a staple for a lot of people for really like the therapeutic industry when it comes to understanding the difference between healthy and toxic shame. And recently in my virtual men's group, the alliance, we dug into this topic a little bit. But you know, what are the differences between healthy and toxic shame? Because a lot of us get into the modality of villainizing the shame that we experience or villainizing other people for creating shaming experiences. And so I wanted dive into that. I'm going to read you a few passages here about the differences between healthy and toxic shame. So I'm going to start off with describing to you a little bit more around what toxic shame looks like. So here we go. In toxic shame, the self becomes an object of its own contempt. An object that cannot be trusted. As an object that can't be trusted. One experiences oneself as untrustworthy. Toxic shame is experienced as an inner torment. Toxic shame is paradoxical and self generating. There is shame about shame, people will readily admit guilt, hurt or fear before they will admit shame. Toxic shame is the feeling of being isolated and alone. In a complete sense, a shame based person is haunted by a sense of absence and emptiness. Toxic shame has been studied very little up until recently. It is easily confused with guilt and guilt is generally misunderstood. Guilt is the effect. Shame, as further developed, guilt can either be the guardian of conscience or the neurotic tormenting voice that judges every behavior as inadequate. So here the author, John Bradshaw, who passed away a few years ago, really dives into outlining the sort of foundation of toxic shame. And toxic shame really is.

Sort of what it does is it makes the self, our individual identity into this problem. And it makes who we are or large parts of who we are seem to be broken or wrong or incorrect or unworthy or disgusting, right? And when we do that, we create this sense that something within us is inherently bad or wrong and should be pushed out or needs to be fixed. And when we do this, we can create a sense of false self. We can create a sense of feeling sort of disgraced about ourself. And that really is the biggest difference between toxic shame and healthy shame. Toxic shame. And this is again from the book Toxic shame creates Disgrace, whereas healthy shame creates discretion. I say it again. Toxic shame creates disgrace. Whereas healthy shame creates. Creates discretion. Now this is a really important piece. This is a really important piece because for many of us, we think of shame and experience shame as something that is bad or wrong or inherently we don't want or we shouldn't feel when that's actually not the case. Shame is a fundamental part of the human experience. In fact, John Bradshaw goes on to say, healthy shame keeps us grounded. It is a yellow light warning us of our essential limitations. Healthy shame is the basic metaphysical boundary for human beings. It is the emotional energy that signals us that we are not God, that we will make mistakes and that we need help. Healthy shame gives us permission to be human. So here we can see really what he's talking about is in a sense, he says that healthy shame is the basic metaphysical boundary for human beings. I would agree with that to a large degree. Most of us, when we have done something that is out of alignment in a moral sense, when we have acted out of integrity within our relationship and maybe said or done things that don't align with who we want to be, a sort of future self that we've created or an idealized, potential oriented self. And so healthy shame really is the thing that says, hey, you're crossing a boundary within yourself here and.

You should really use some discretion about what actions you're taking. And that's why he says healthy shame creates discretion. Because in a way, that is what the true essence of what shame should be doing within our psyche. Shame is sort of, if you imagine your psyche to be this big expansive space, kind of like the universe. As you get closer and closer to the edges of that space, healthy shame starts to say, hey, you're stepping outside of the moral boundaries of who you know yourself to be. And you should probably use some discretion on reflecting back on your actions, taking into consideration, you know, what you're saying, what you're about to do, what you're choosing, and really taking a look at making sure that the actions that you take, and here's the interesting thing, is that when you have and exert healthy shame and you experience that healthy shame, what it's actually trying to do is make sure it's. And prevent toxic shame from emerging within your psyche as a result of the actions that you have taken in your life. Okay, so that might sound a little convoluted or complex, but let's just use an example. Okay, let's say that you are married and you're on social media and One of your exes reaches out to you on social media and at first they're just asking you a few questions, but all of a sudden they take the conversation in into an area where you know that they're flirting with you. You know that they're kind of like walking a very fine line here. And that if you continue down this path, it's probably going to lead to some form of unhealthy behavior, unhealthy comments, but things that could would be considered as some form of infidelity within your relationship, something that you for sure will wouldn't be okay if you discovered your partner having done okay talking to one of their exes in this way. And the healthy shame will create discretion in this moment. The healthy shame within you will say, ah, maybe do you really want to go down that path? If you do, you're going to experience unhealthy shame, toxic shame. You're going to be pissed off at yourself. You're not going to be happy. You're going to have broken your integrity and broken your word within your relationship. You're going to hurt, obviously your partner, but yourself and potentially this other person. And so healthy shame comes up and says, hey, now's a time to set a boundary. Right now is the time to set a boundary. And in that moment we have a decision. We can either set the boundary and say, hey, look, this conversation is inappropriate and I appreciate you reaching out and having questions, but maybe we should end this conversation. Or if you continue to ignore that voice, maybe you take it a step further and your shame amplifies. Okay? Your nervous system starts to go off a little bit. And then maybe for some of you out there, this is actually an exciting experience. Okay? And I'm going to go into a little bit of this. We can sexualize our toxic shame. Okay? We can sexualize our shame. And what I mean by that is that for some people, when they are really.

Really not taken over by the shadow, but when they have taken a part of their identity and hid it from society, right, hidden it from their friends or their family, as soon as we start to hide things about ourselves, whether it's our actions or our behaviors, or if we're lying or cheating in our relationship, or if we are being untrue about our business and how we're operating within our business, then that part creates a lot of internal power within our psyche. And what can happen when, within our relationship specifically is that when we have a lot of shame in and around our relationship, that shame over time can start to get Sexualized. And this is where a lot of unhealthy power dynamics can come up within individuals, whether there's infidelity at work or not. But that shame can kind of get sexualized. And people, you know, if you're watching porn, a lot of people will start to watch porn that they feel shame about. And a very good indicator of this is after you're done watching the porn, you feel gross. You're like, oh, my gosh, I can't believe I just watched that. I can't believe I went down the path. Like, what the hell? Like, you know, there's sort of like a very weird sense there. But for many people, this is what can happen when shame isn't regulated properly. Okay? So when we ignore our healthy shame, it will eventually turn into toxic shame, because that healthy shame is trying to get us to set boundaries within our relationship, within our work environment, within our family, within our friends, our sexual encounters, our relationships, et cetera. And when we don't, if we can continually ignore our healthy shame, what will happen over time is that that toxic shame will become something that we crave, that we really long for in an unhealthy way, and it becomes a bit of a. Of a fetishized addiction, right? Much like the man who likes being dominated by a woman or another man who degrades him, right. And calls him a piece of crap or comments on how small his penis is, or.

In some way diminishes his sexual prowess and capacity or his ability as a man, that man has sexualized his toxic shame. And so we need to be cautious because that's just one example of how our toxic shame can start to manifest in our lives. Right? And it's a very specific sort of sexual example that I've seen some men struggle with. Another example is that if a man's or woman's shame has become maybe not sexualized, but it's become a bit of an addiction, they will start to try and repeat the. These toxic shame patterns in all areas of their life. So if it's showing up in their relationship to begin with, and maybe they're lying in the relationship, or they're not being honest and truthful about what they want, and then they're acting out of integrity, and they feel shame about acting out of integrity, that system and that cycle will start to show up in other parts of their life. So they will notice, and I'm telling you this to all of you that are listening, they'll notice that that same pattern that's creating shame will start to show up in their work environment with their friendships where they'll start lying more, they'll start trying to garner more attention. Maybe it allows them to justify trying to get away with risky behavior, right? Like stealing or showing up late or not putting in the work, not putting in the time, checking out early, etc. So toxic shame can really lead us to all types of places. So healthy shame is really meant to be a boundary setter within our life. And so what we need to understand is that we need to start to differentiate the difference between the experience of healthy shame and toxic shame within our bodies. And both of them will have quite a bit of a different sensation. But if I can just go back to the definition, toxic shame creates disgrace and healthy shame creates discretion. So my homework for you is to dive into some of these questions. How I experience toxic shame is the difference between toxic shame and healthy shame for me is the story that shame is usually telling me is how I try to hide my shame from others is when I hide my shame. The impact on my relationship is.

If the people who loved me could speak to my shame, they'd probably say.

So go back and answer those questions as if it was you asking them. Okay, you might want to rewind. Just listen to the questions again and as soon as the question's finished, just tune into what your answer is. Don't overthink it. Just allow yourself to answer the question and and get to know your shame a little bit better. I'm going to be diving into a few different parts of shame and outlining those in many episodes to come. So I hope you enjoyed this one. And until next week, this is Connor Beaton signing off.