Connor Beaton reflects on the strange mix of joy and grief during the holidays after his mother's death in February. He shares moments with his young kids, including his son's first Polar Express ride, and reminds us that the holidays hold both celebration and loss at the same time.
Questions this video answers
December 23, 2024
Three and a half years old
Four months old
In February (year implied by context: same year as the message)
Eight years
Foreign.
Team as Christmas arrives and the holidays are here. Whether you're watching this before Christmas or after, I wanted to send off a quick little holiday message and a few reminders. But first, I want to start off with a massive thank you. A big thank you to each and every single one of you that tune into the show that have subscribed on Spotify or Apple Podcasts or YouTube or wherever you tune in. It was just such an honor. I know that our lives, your life, is probably a flood of people trying to get your attention and wanting things from you. And. And it can seem sometimes like the Internet is this vast sea of, you know, hands trying to grab at your eyeballs and your ears. And so I do not take it for granted that you take time to tune into my show. And I have really tried over the last few years, because I've been running this podcast for eight years, to hone in on the conversations that I have on the content that I produce and make it more and more and more valuable for you. And so if there's ever a subject or a topic or a question that you would like me to cover, please do reach out to me. Hit me up on Instagram mantalks. And I would love to dive into whatever it is that you could be served by. One of the things that I. You know, usually when I do a holiday message, I talk about the year and what happened, all those types of things. But I actually just want to talk about a quick holiday reminder. You know, sometimes for the holidays, they're mixed feelings. There's nostalgia, there's longing. You know, for me, this year, it really is a mix of pure bliss and joy and very deep grief. This is the first year that my three and a half year old son, Code, is really aware of the holidays and he's really aware of Christmas and he's super excited. And, you know, for example, tonight we're gonna go take him to see the Polar Express. And so he's, you know, he's like beside himself that he's gonna get to go ride a train for the first time. Cause he loves trains. And so on the one hand, there's this beautiful opening of joy and watching, you know, the holidays through his eyes. The excitement, the sort of like pure unadulterated innocence that's around it. I mean, he's just excited to Cookies. That's what he keeps asking. I'm like, what do you want from Santa? And he's like, cookies and presents. I'm like, okay. He's like, but cookies, Dada. Cookies And I'm like, okay, buddy. So on the one side, there's that joy, you know, and there's that happiness, and there's that beauty. And on the other side, there is grief because my mom passed in February, and this year is the first year that she won't be around. And my mom was somebody that, I mean, you know, first off, her absence is deeply felt. You know, it's something that has reverberated through the conversations that my stepdad and I and my sister and my brother have been having. It really is something that has sort of marked this year. And it's very different because my mom loved Christmas. She loved it. There was, like, this vibrancy and aliveness that would get sparked in her every single holiday season season. And so to not have her here really brings me into contact with a very deep level of absence and missing and grief and sadness that she's not here to, you know, see her grandson, see my son. So excited about the holidays, you know, she didn't get a chance to meet. My daughter, who's now four months old, obviously has no idea what Christmas is and what's happening. But.
There'S grief around this time of the year where we normally come together and celebrate. And it's about connection and community and love. It can also be a very stressful time. I know, for a lot of families and for a lot of people can be very, very stressful. And you're, like, bracing for impact of that one person that you're worried about seeing. Or maybe you just went through a divorce or a breakup, and you're not looking forward to being at home with the family and having all the questions from your family about what happened or. I don't really know what your situation is, but what I really wanted to convey is, you know, the holidays are almost never just one thing. They're almost never. It doesn't even matter what holiday it is, but they're almost never just, you know, pure joy or pure grief. And it's our responsibility, I think, at least for me, to really hold both of those near and dear to us, to hold both of those parts of life and existence in our heart as we go through the holidays. And one of the things that I done is embodied my mom's playful and ridiculous spirit as we've entered into the holiday season. And so two examples. Number one, for the last few years, my wife, Fiona, has not bought stockings, you know, like the Christmas stockings you hang above the fireplace or a tree topper. And so in the. In the spirit of my mom who would buy the most God awful, gaudy, ridiculous Christmas stuff, You know, like big dance, five foot dancing Santas and you know, that would sing, which one year my sister, for whatever reason, had this like, giant red penis pillow with balls. And we, we, we stuck the giant red penis pillow in between Santa's legs and then he's dancing and you know, this like, red penis pillow is like shaking around. And like, we called my mom into the room and she like walks in and looks at it and she's just mortified, right? She's like, absolutely mortified that this is happening to, to this sacred Santa. But in the spirit of my mom, I ended up buying these, you know, kind of tacky Christmas stockings that are now hanging above the fireplace and a Christmas tree topper because my wife for the last two, three years has not done so. And so the rule in my house is if you don't follow through with it, then I will and you have to live with whatever I get. So, you know, I think we can have fun. We can enjoy. We can lean into the grief, we can lean into the missing, we can lean into the frustration. And it reminded me of a quote by Walt Whitman where he said, happiness is not in another place, but this place. Happiness is not in another place, but this place. Not for another hour, but this hour. And then Rumi said, wherever you stand, be the soul of that place. And it's really just a reminder for me, and I'm just sharing this reminder with you as I go into the holiday season. To be in this moment, to be in the present moment, whatever it brings, grief, joy, happiness, the worry that is going to pass too quickly, just be in the fullness of the moment as you go through the holiday seasons. Even if it's challenging, even if it's confronting, even if it feels like there's something missing. And so, from my family to yours, I wish you nothing but the best. I wish you grace. I wish you just so much love and connection and family and friends. And please do reach out if you need anything during the holidays. If you just want to share a message with me, please reach out. You can hit me up man talks on Instagram. And again, thank you so much for tuning in to this show. I deeply appreciate it and I appreciate you. All the best to you and yours.
