How To Apologize To A Man

Welcome. I'm Connor Beaton and today we're going to be talking about how to apologize to a man. Now, if you tuned in last week to the episode, the mini week, mini episode last week, you would have heard me talking about how to apologize to a woman, which was one of the most downloaded, one of the most shared, one of the most talked about podcasts that I think I have ever done. It was wild. I mean, I was getting like direct messages on Instagram and Facebook and like someone emailed me about it. I mean, it was insane. So if you haven't checked it out, please go and listen to it along with the Stephen Hayes interview, which got a ton, a ton of attention and attraction. But today we're going to talk about how to apologize to a man. And just before I dive into that, I just want to let you all know of a really incredible six week program that Vienna, my wife and I have put together. We launched it early on this year and have had hundreds of people already go through it. And we have opened registration again and we are almost full, but we would love for you to check it out. So, you know, Vienna is one of the top therapists in New York, in Manhattan, and she has spent over 12,000 hours working with individuals and couples on repairing conflict, on how to set better boundaries, on having deeper intimacy. And so we partnered together and I took all of my work around shadow and union psychology and working with men, and we combine forces to create this six week program. And just to give you some context to what some of the past participants have said, I'm just going to read you off something that someone wrote for us. And she said, this program totally blew me away. I've spent years and years and years in therapy with different therapists. And this program gave me answers to internal questions that I never thought I would find. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You have changed the way that I live, that I love, and that I have sex with my partner. So anyway, the program is really, really powerful. It's six weeks. You have lifetime access to it, so you can do it at your own pace. There's 12 modules. Vienna and I did professional videos for all of them so that we could explain the concepts and go in depth with you. There's two live calls where you get access to us to ask any questions that you need. And then the modules have a ton of work for you to do on your own. Whether you are single, whether you are in a relationship, whether you've been married for 20 years, doesn't matter. So head on over to Mindful MFT or Man Talks on Instagram. Click on the link in the bio and sign up for the six week course. It's really, really powerful. So let's talk about how to apologize to a man. I gave this a ton of thought. I wasn't too sure how I was going to approach this. You know, do I want to make it funny and ridiculous? I made some jokes with Molina, my director of operations, about some of the things I was going to say on this podcast. And she was like, dear Lord, please do not say those things publicly.

And so, you know, I thought about the past of how women have apologized to me and what hasn't worked and what has worked. I, you know, looked at my relationship with my, with my wife Vienna, because she's phenomenal at de escalating and apologizing and what she does well. And then my brain got really curious and it thought to itself, I wonder what the Internet has to say about this. Now if this was a video, this is where, you know, like the, the scene would like switch over to some like weird animated thing. But anyway, here's what I found online. How to apologize to a guy. This is an actual article, by the way. How to apologize to a guy. 12 steps with pictures. WikiHow. So WikiHow has a whole article about how to apologize to a guy, not a man, to a guy on there. And some of the real, some of the real zingers on there, just the real words of wisdom are like, don't be passive aggressive. I mean, yeah, of course, don't be passive aggressive. As I'm being passive aggressive in my sarcasm about this ridiculous article. But here's the point that I wanted to make. Okay, all jokes aside, this is a 12 step freaking program on how to apologize to your partner. When you are in an argument with your partner and you're in the heat of conflict, you're probably not going to bust out. A 12 step how to on going through apologizing and repairing a terror or conflict within your relationship. That's probably not going to happen, right? And so a lot of the advice that's out there online, while there are some good steps and there's some important pieces, the thing that I really want to say is that all this takes practice. And the most important thing that I want to say about this is, ladies, if Your apology has 12 freaking steps to it, you have already gone wrong.

You are going to miss the mark. There is more margin for error every step of the way. When things are in conflict, every single step matters. All right, so there's a ton of articles out there. There's a ton of advice through Vogue and Cosmo and all these other magazines that, you know, tell you how to interact with your guy. And here I've broken it down into the four things that, for me, I have found work really well for me and work really well for the male clients that I've worked with. Okay, so step number one is asking for permission. Now, I know this might sound a little archaic or old school or even strange to hear, but it's the same first step as the first step to feedback. If you are wanting to give powerful feedback to your partner or to someone in the work environment, you always, always, always ask for permission. And that can sound many different ways. You know, if you're in the heat of an argument, you can say, hey, you know what? I really want to pause and apologize. Would you be open to that? Or, hey, I want to apologize for my actions. Are you open to hearing what I have to say? If you're in the heat of conflict and your partner is not in that space, they'll tell you. They'll probably say something like, no, I don't want to hear your apology right now, or, no, I need some time right now before I can actually take that, whatever it is for them. So asking permission is really powerful. And using the words open, or would you be receptive, or would you be able to hear my apology right now is very, very important. Because when we ask for permission, here's the trick. Neurologically.

Our minds coincide with our words and our agreements. This is why our mindset is so powerful. So when you say, yes, I am open to hearing your feedback, or, yes, I'm open to hearing your apology, the brain automatically shifts internally and makes you more chemically responsive and more neurologically responsive to what the person is about to say. So you are naturally more open. It's actually one of the most powerful parts of sales psychology is just getting people to say yes. So if you have ever gone to, like, a seminar where they're trying to sell you something or you've been on a sales page, there's a whole bunch of steps that expert copywriters have taken to try and get you to say yes along the way, because then you're more receptive to saying yes to the sale. So it's a really interesting world. But the great thing about this is that it works for. For forgiveness and apologies as well. Now, this is really important, and I want you to hear this in the most respectful way possible. Guys and gals men and women. When a woman is going to apologize to a man, I'm just using that dynamic again. When she positions asking for permission, what it does is it allows her to take a step back and say, okay, I'm going to surrender a little bit because I realized that I was in the wrong. And, and men, you also have to do the same thing. It's a really, really powerful, powerful, powerful tool. Hey, are you open to hearing my apology? Hey, I'd like to apologize. Are you open to hearing it? And this is a really powerful tool for you to use. So try starting there. Number two, step number two. Where disrespect was present or chaos was roaming free. Okay, so this is the title that I wrote apparently for number two. But to make it simple, number two is find where you were chaotic or he was disrespected. Okay, Find where you were chaotic or he was disrespected. That's an easy way of putting number two. So what I want to say here is that not all this isn't the case for all men, but most men, when there's a conflict with their partner and they feel like they are owed an apology, whether you forgot to do something, whether.

You were out of line, or you talked badly about him in front of other people, or you were harsh and really over critical, or you stonewalled or whatever it was, he will have felt oftentimes disrespected in some way. Maybe his intelligence feels disrespected or his boundaries feel disrespected, or his ability to earn was disrespected. Whatever it was, there's almost always a part of him that is going to feel like it was disrespected and that's the part that you need to apologize for. So the second part of that is where chaos roamed free. Sometimes you like our chaos, man or woman, the feminine chaos will just get completely out of control and we need to be able to take a step back and say, yeah, you know what, my chaos was out of control. And I can imagine that this is what it did to you. So we need to find A where we disrespected him or B where our chaos was out of control. Number three is ownership and impact. Being able to say, yeah, that's my responsibility, that's my fault, I'm sorry, I can imagine that the impact on you is X, Y and Z and you can even practice using that language. It's going to maybe feel a little bit awkward at first. But here's the thing. What you've been doing probably isn't working as well as you would like it to be. So we have to be comfortable with introducing some of this new language. So if you want in your next apology, be able to say, here's the ownership that I'm taking for my actions and here's the impact that I think those actions had on you or those things that I said had on you, or when I didn't show up or when I didn't tell you, or whatever it is that you did. Here's what I think the impact was on you. Is that correct or am I off the mark? And allow your partner to fill in the gap there? If you've done that right, they'll tell you very clearly. Finally, step number four, super simple. Will you forgive me? Will you forgive me? I know it sounds so, so, so, so, so, so simple, but most men are pretty not quick to forgive. But when they have seen their partner come to them, ask for permission, acknowledge where they disrespected him or where there was chaos and that may have had a neg, and then they ask for forgiveness, the majority of men right then and there through those four simple steps are going to say, yeah, absolutely. Or if it's a really deep wound, they're going to say, no, you know what, I need some time or I need some space to let this sink in or to let this pass a little bit or to let this marinate. Once that's happened, if he asks for that space, you need to give him that space. You need to be able to say, okay, take your time and allow him to come back to you when it works for him. Because if you are constantly checking up on him every hour or every two hours, hey, can we talk now? Hey, can we talk now? Guess what? He's going to feel disrespected again. There's going to be a part of him that says, see, you're not serious about this because you won't let me have the space that I've already said that I need. So, again, ladies, if I can reinforce one major thing, most apologies with a man are going to come back to apologizing for some way in which he has felt disrespected. And guys, this is the same thing with the men in your life. Oftentimes it will be that there is something that you have disrespected about them or their capacities and abilities or about your relationship with them. So be able to take that step back. So I'm just going to recap here. Step number one, ask for permission. Step number two, find where you may have disrespected him, where disrespect was present or chaos roamed free. Step number three, own that chaos, or own how you may have disrespected him and share what you think the impact is while asking him what it really is. And number four, ask for forgiveness. Will you forgive me? So those are the four steps. Please share them. If you have any questions, hit me up on Instagram mantalks or on Facebook. Guys, don't forget to join the mantalks community. We've got, I think, like 4,500 guys in there now with some really great conversations, so we'd love to have you in there. And don't forget to sign up for the six week get the love you want program. It is phenomenal and we'll see you in there. Until next week, this is Connor Beaton signing off.