How To Be a Desirable Man

So this month in the ManTalks Alliance, we've been talking about what makes a desirable man. And it's a topic that really hit home for a lot of men, triggered a lot of guys, brought up a lot of conversation, great conversation, but also brought up a lot for men. And so I wanted to share with you here on the podcast, on YouTube, what are some of the traits that make a desirable man? And if you're interested in joining a collective of over 1,000 men from around the world who are working on being the best version of themselves to have brotherhood with like-minded men, then check out the Mantoxi Alliance. The link is in the description below. All right, what makes a desirable man? Well, first I wanna start with what collapses that, because I think one of the things that really helps to inform us on what constitutes as desirable, what makes desirable behavior, we first have to look at how we collapse those things. What is undesirable? And I'd love to hear your thoughts. I'm sure I'm not gonna cover all the ground here. So if you have some thoughts, definitely share in the comments below. What have you found for yourself that is undesirable behavior? What some of the habits or some of the pitfalls that you've fallen into? But these are some of the things that I have found to cause a man to become undesirable, both to himself and to his significant other. The first thing is the idea of infinite availability. A lot of men lack other social circles, they lack robust friendships, and they think that if I just give unlimited access to myself, to my time, that will make me desirable. And that actually collapses desire after a period of time. It might be Good for a little while, but eventually mediocrity, complacency, way too much comfort will start to set in. You can get bored of that individual, they'll get bored of you. A whole bunch of things will happen. But the real reason why it collapses desirability is that if you are infinitely available, it does something to the perception, especially for women, of you being a desirable man, of you being a man that has something else going on outside of her, that you have a purpose, a mission that you are pursuing, that you have other hobbies and interests outside of the relationship. And a hint of what makes you desirable here is that if you look at a lot of the sort of feminine archetypes of what constitutes a really desirable man, there's always this element of the man being a bit of a monster that she's trying to tame, right? A bit of like the, you know, it's like every woman wants the bad boy that's a good guy for her, right? And every guy wants the good girl that's a bad girl for him, right? She's a good girl for everybody else, but she's a bad girl for him. And every woman wants the bad guy who's the good guy for her. And so if you are infinitely available, It collapses this perception that there's something about you that is outside of the relationship, that you have interests, you have passions, you have hobbies, you have parts of yourself that are being satiated and fulfilled outside of the relationship. The second thing is that your internal state is dependent on how she feels. So another way of saying this is that you collapse under her upset or disappointment. You are scared of her emotions. And this creates a real big power imbalance in a relationship, but it also is very undesirable because for the majority of women that I've worked with over the years, especially when I work with couples, when we really get down to it, when a man is afraid of his woman's emotions, How she feels on the other side of that is bitter, resentful, but ultimately she feels scared. Because if she feels like she can dominate you with her emotions, that she can conquer you with her emotions, she gets upset, you collapse, you apologize, you immediately, you know, just like, you know what, I'm not gonna go out with the guys, you're right. Like, and, and you are constantly Kowtowing to her emotions, there is this sort of grief and sadness that a lot of women report because they don't feel like you have the ability and the capacity to contend with her emotions. And for a lot of women, what they'll say and they'll report— and I'm sure the women will let me know this in the comments— is it then feels like her emotions are too much for you. And she can take on a kind of resentment or frustration because it feels like you are not able to stand up to some of her emotions. And this doesn't mean that you shouldn't be emotionally intelligent. It doesn't mean that you don't have the ability to, you know, hear her out and understand how she feels. I'm talking specifically about you are scared of her emotions. You're scared of her when she gets angry. You're scared of her if she's sad. You're scared if she's disappointed. And you would— you adopt and adapt behavior to basically be who you think you need to be in order to never upset her. And this is what a lot of people pleasers do, a lot of nice guys do, is that they are constantly trying to alter their behavior. And they're constantly asking themselves this one question: how do I be the man that you want me to be? Instead of, how do I be the man that I actually want to be, that I would respect? And then see if you love who that is. And so a man who is afraid of a woman's emotions, who collapses under her disappointment, who avoids upsetting her in any way, shape, or form, that man is going to constantly feel like a chameleon. And maybe you've done this. I know I did this. I used to do this all the time. But you are going to never really feel like you're loved for who you are. You're going to feel like you're only loved based on the condition. Mm-hmm. Of showing up in the way that she needs. The next one is that you are constantly distracted. You're playing video games, you go out for a date, you're on your phone all the time. You're in an interaction with her and maybe you have no technology around, but you're thinking about a billion other things, right? You're thinking about the Napoleonic War, you know, or the fall of the Roman Empire. There's a good reference point, right? You're thinking about something else. And A part of your consciousness, a part of your presence is always pulled away from her. And your presence is really a beautiful, potent gift for your partner. They want your presence. She wants you to be present with her, with her desires, with her emotions, with what she's thinking, with what she's going through. She really wants your presence. And if you are chronically distracted— Thinking about a million different things, she's going to feel that part of you isn't there. And that can show up in a number of different ways. The last one that I want to put out there is leaked resentment. You've let resentment build up, bitterness build up, frustration build up in the relationship for whatever reason, right? Maybe there's sexual discrepancy. You want more sex. She— you know, is not wanting it as much as you, and you're getting resentful about that. Or maybe you're resentful because you've said yes to a whole bunch of things in the relationship that you, some of them you probably should have said no to. And so you've built up resentment towards her, even though you said yes to them. And you let that leak out. You're being passive-aggressive, you're angry, you're trying to criticize her or complain into getting more, you know, sexual connection. That type of leaked resentment is going to be undesirable. And a simple question that I like to ask guys, and it's a bit blunt and it's a bit crude, but the question is, would you fuck you? Would you fuck you? If you were a woman, would you have sex with you? Would you want to be with you? Or is your hyper-passive-aggressive behavior obviously a turnoff? Are you a bit of an asshole and you're mean and you're hypercritical and you're constantly complaining or picking her behavior Or are you just fundamentally disconnected, right? Would you want to be with you? And this doesn't mean that, again, it's not about you turning yourself into somebody that you think she wants you to be. It's about you aligning with the type of man that you want to be, the type of man that you would respect. So here's what I would say. what a desirable man actually looks like. You've probably got a little bit of an understanding just based off of what I laid out there. What I'd like for you to do is think about which ones of the ones that collapse desire are you notorious for? Which ones have you struggled with? Which ones do you see yourself doing right now? And I'm not saying to really think about those things to have more ammunition to beat the crap out of yourself or shame yourself or criticize yourself or judge yourself. It's simply to notice, That's the behavior you want to correct. That's the behavior you want to get in front of. That's the behavior you want to own and begin to shift. So the core work of how do you become a man that is very desirable? Well, the first one is you begin to operate in a way that you respect. You stop outsourcing. validation, recognition, acknowledgement that you're a good man or you're a good husband or you're a good partner. And you begin to operate from a place of, how do I want to operate? How do I want to show up in the world as a man? And then you start to acknowledge yourself for it. And this is the big piece, okay? This is the big piece where most men drop the ball. And I did this for years. I was like, I'm showing up exactly how I think I should show up, but I wasn't giving myself the recognition and the acknowledgement that I fundamentally wanted and needed. And so I was constantly still seeking it. I was showing up in the way that I wanted, but I was still like, I just, I need you to acknowledge that I'm doing the right thing, that I'm acting how I want to act. So very important, develop self-respect, show up as the man that you want to be, and then acknowledge yourself. when you have a hard conversation, when you're disciplined and you go to the gym when you said you were gonna go to the gym, you eat clean, you eat healthy, you're saving properly, you are operating as the man you know you can be and want to be, you have to acknowledge yourself for it. Because if you don't, as the saying goes, nature abhors a vacuum. You will do all of this subtle shit to try and get her to acknowledge you For just operating the way that you ultimately want to operate. So you have to begin to build an internal mechanism and system of self-recognition, like, wow, I'm really proud of myself today because I did X, Y, and Z. Or, you know what, I sat down and I did my breathwork the last 5 days in a row, and I really respect myself for doing that. I'm doing the thing that I said I want to do. So that's step number 1. And what might be helpful here for you is to map out a vision of the man that you want to be. And I have found this to be very helpful for many of the clients that I've worked with. The majority of men, they have a vision of the man that they want to be. More disciplined, in shape, eating healthy, operating with respect, communicating a boundary or setting a standard, or saying that, you know, you don't like something, expressing needs and desires. Whatever that is, map out in as much detail as you can. Here is the man I know I am capable of being. And then begin to live and operate from that place. And when you do, acknowledge yourself and recognize yourself, but map that out, make that vision, write that vision down so that you have a kind of reference point that you can say, this is how I want to operate. This is who I am. I am becoming. This is who I know I'm capable of being. So that's number one. Number 2, be a little bit untamable. Be a little bit untamable. Hold on to your no. This is gonna be very hard for you people pleasers and you nice guys. You are not gonna wanna do that. You are going to want to avoid saying no, but be a little bit untamable. There's always this dance in a relationship where your partner is sometimes inadvertently or directly, indirectly or directly, trying to sculpt you into who they think you should be. And the real test of a relationship is, can I embody who I authentically am without being apologetic, without skirting around who I actually am, without the shame and judgment of this? You know, I love Who I am in this way, and not allow that other person to squash those parts of us. And I'll give you a good example of this. I have a much dirtier sense of humor than my wife. I just do. I have a much more crude, lewd, dirty sense of humor than she does. And there have definitely been times where she gets bristled by that sense of humor. And there's been times where she tries to sort of shape that into something more not crude. I don't know how else to say it. That's not great English, but that's okay. She tries to shape that into something less crude, less lewd, less dirty. And it's in those moments where I jokingly and very playfully and very lovingly remind her, you can't change me. Like, this is, this is not a part of me that you'll ever get rid of. And as our relationship has gone on, there's kind of this enduring quality where she really loves and accepts that part of me because I say shit that she would never say. You know, I joke about things that she would just not joke about. And so sometimes now it's like, oh, Connor, you know, and she's kind of got this smile on her face and, you know, and it's built more intimacy. between us. Because if I had caved, if I had tamed myself and tried to shape myself and mold myself into who I thought she wanted me to be— oh, she doesn't like that dirty behavior, she doesn't like that dirty joke, she doesn't like that, you know, crude comment. And I don't go over the top. I'm not doing it all the time just to, you know, agitate her or poke her or push her buttons. It's just genuinely when it feels like it needs to come out. But if I had done that, if I had let her tame that part of me and cage that part of me, It would have built resentment. I would have become resentful. I would have started to feel just like anybody else who genuinely is a certain way. I would have started to feel like, ah, you don't really like me for who I am. Now, obviously there's caveats to all of this, but the main point is you have to find the bit of the beast inside of you, the animal, the feral, primal man. that exists inside of you, the part of you that makes you a little bit of a beast, a little bit of a quote-unquote monster. Because remember, if you read, and I encourage you to do so, any women's romance novels or smut mags or whatever it is, the sort of really hypersexualized books that a lot of women read, the sexual fantasy books, The majority of the men in there, they're monsters, right? They might take on a physical form of a monster. They have some part of their character or their nature that's a little dangerous, a little edgy. And if you are an edgeless man, it collapses not only desire for you from the woman that you're with or could be with, but it also collapses a part of you. You are less than you could be because you have softened all of your edges, all of them. And even monks have hard edges to them. Even people that sit in meditation or sit in prayer all the time, they have hard edges to them. They have a part of them that is distinctly sharp and that cannot be tamed. I'm going to sit and meditate this morning no matter what, you say, that's what I'm going to go do, right? That's their mission. They're disciplined in that way. So find your untamable part, find your untamable, feral, more primal nature as a man, and let it be in the relationship. And do not allow for yourself to be completely tamed within the context of the relationship, because desire will collapse. Maybe not— I was gonna say lust, but— Lust. that edge of polarity will collapse. The next thing, the third thing, is practice something that I call expectationless desire or outcomeless desire. And this is a term that I came up with. It's something that I've given to so many men, and I have seen fundamentally change the intimacy in a lot of relationships, a lot of relationships. And this is when you let yourself feel arousal, feel sexual energy, let yourself experience eros, and you bring it to your significant other without it needing to lead to sex. A lot of the times for men, because we, you know, 80% of men have what's called spontaneous desire. You can see your woman walk out of the shower and you're instantly turned on, or you can see your partner, wearing a certain outfit and you're immediately aroused. You know, you see the sundress and you're like, poof, there it is, right? And then we wanna act from that place. It's like spontaneous arousal, action, outcome desired. And when this happens long enough in a relationship and our partner or significant other doesn't get to feel our desire, your arousal, without the expectation that sex needs to happen in that moment, What a lot of women will experience is just that. They'll experience expectation. And so sex will become an expectation for women who are constantly just receiving expectation-based desire. I see you, I want you, I expect sex, or I want sex, or I want this to lead to a sexual outcome. And for a lot of women, that can collapse desire. It can feel like sex becomes an obligation rather than a choice. Rather than something that's spontaneous. So if you're a man that's in a relationship and it feels like spontaneity has collapsed, it feels like spontaneous sex has collapsed, there's not really a lot of spontaneous intimacy, I'm not saying that it's your fault. I am saying that you can fix it, you can solve it, you can shift it by bringing expectationless desire. So what does that look like? You see your partner, you feel arousal in your body. You're like, wow, they look really great, or I feel super turned on right now. Or you just kind of feel that hunger for them and you let them see it. You might breathe into it and let yourself, you know, you can let yourself communicate that through your eyes so that they can see it in your eyes. You can bring it to them. Maybe you make out with them, you pull them closer, you, you know, you grab your significant other and you make out with them, or you hold them and you let them Feel that energy of arousal, that erotic energy in your body of like, wow, I really want you right now, without I need to have you right now. Now, sometimes obviously that can be very sexy, that can be very hot of like, I want to have you right now, I'm going to have you right now. But what I want you to play with and practice is once a day, letting yourself feel turned on, letting yourself feel aroused by your significant other, And bringing that energy to them without anything needing to happen, and notice how they begin to respond. 'Cause again, most women have what's called responsive arousal. So they are responding to stimulus, they're responding to you, they're responding to your arousal. And a beautiful part of this, for the couples that I've given this to, is that for a lot of women, what ends up happening is— This question mark begins to emerge of like, oh, when are— when will we have sex? When is it going to happen? Instead of, hey, it's Wednesday night, do you want to have sex? You know, or, oh, I'm turned on right now, we need to have sex. Or, oh, it's right before bed. Or, oh, we just woke up and, you know, this is the time where we normally have it. So, start to bring expectationless desire to your significant other and see what happens. Sometimes it might lead to intimacy, and sometimes it won't, but you just keep bringing it. And what happens, what is going to happen is that she's going to be able to trust your desire more fully because it won't be an obligation. It will take out the obligation of we need to have sex right now. The last piece that I want to give you is separate your significant other's emotions From your perceived performance as a partner. Separate her emotions from your perceived performance as a boyfriend, as a husband, and from your sense of self. This is a big one. So many men tangle up, if she's happy, I must be doing a good job. I'm a good husband. I'm a good partner. Or she's angry, I must have done something wrong. Or, you know, she's sad or she's disappointed or she feels some way and I'm responsible to fix that. And if I don't fix it, if I don't resolve it, if I don't solve it, it must say something about me. And so we have to create space and separation. And how you do that is you begin to say to yourself, okay, she's feeling upset. That's okay. It doesn't mean That I'm a bad partner. It doesn't mean that I'm a bad man or a terrible husband, right? She's disappointed 'cause I forgot something. Okay, I forgot something. It doesn't mean that I'm a terrible person. And when you start to do this, what it allows for is you to say no, you to express your needs, your wants, your desires without shrinking them down for the fear of how she might emotionally respond. And you separate your worth, your value, your needs, your wants, who you are from how she feels. So the first question I want you to ask is, have you merged your sense of self, how your sense of purpose— not purpose, your sense of performance as a partner based off of how she feels? And if so, then this might be the place where you want to start. You start to separate how she feels from how you are doing as a significant other. And you start to say, I'm going to ask for what I need, regardless of whether or not, you know, she's going to feel a little uncomfortable about it. I'm gonna have that conversation about, you know, saying no to going to that whatever, that, Work party on Saturday night, even if she's a little bit disappointed. I just need to prioritize X, Y, and Z. And so you start to create that space. Okay, those are the main things that are going to really build robust desire. There's so much more that I could have added in, but the video would be hours long. So pop into the comments, what have you found for yourself as a man to really support in building desire in your relationship? And what about what I said today really stood out to you? What are you going to specifically implement? Comment in the comments below, make a commitment. And as always, until next week, Connor Beaton signing off.