Connor Beaton explains how to handle people who chronically complain. Stop trying to fix or validate their complaints. Instead, ask action-oriented questions like "What are you going to do about that?" and set firm boundaries, including reducing contact if they won't change.
Foreign.
Complainer is really the person who is complaining about almost every single aspect, right? They are the victim, archetype. They're the ones who have problems and issues with almost everything. And except for them, right? They're. They're usually not part of the problem. They're usually the one that is the victim to the problem. And that's the really important piece. I like to take this mindset, this framework, when I'm dealing with people who are chronically complaining. And to be honest, I don't have many of them in my life anymore.
When I say not many, I mean there are none. So I just want to be very clear on that. And that's not because I haven't had people in my life that had chronically complained or that I've cut them all out. It's that they've shifted, they've adapted, they've grown. But I like to take this framework that when someone is chronically complaining, they are in pain, you know, they are hurting. You might just not see it, right? It's like, I remember growing up, my stepdad had multiple back surgeries, and he was constantly complaining about how much pain he was in. It was a very real pain, right? He was limping, it was hard for him to walk. He was laid up all the time. You know, he had multiple surgeries on the same disc in his back, and he was constantly in a lot of physical pain. So how do we deal with chronic complainers? I think really one of the easiest ways to look at this is where most people go wrong. So where most people go wrong upfront with chronic complainers is that they try and solve that person's problems, right? It's just a human nature, especially if it's somebody that's close to you, right? It's your. Your partner, somebody that you started dating. It's a parent, it's a friend, it's a family member, and they start bringing their complaints to you. And for most of us, it's like, oh, I can be of value. I can help this person. I can support them, I give them advice. I can try and solve their problems. I can, you know, be overly empathetic towards them. These are. Are often people that have a tremendous amount of pain in them that they don't know how to deal with that they haven't liberated themselves from. And so the second thing that I would say is don't feed their complaints, right? Don't feed it, you know, unless it's really, really valid. Like, unless you're like, actually, yeah, I would, I would Have a tough time with that as well. Don't feed their complaints. You know, if they're complaining about a family member, a friend or their girlfriend or, you know, their boyfriend or whatever it is, don't go along with it. I think one of the best things that you can do is to avoid giving advice, avoid validating and verifying, like, ah, that's so tough. Move straight towards asking, what are you going to do about that? Right. You know, I've heard you talk about this a couple times. What are you planning on doing about that? You know, you've brought this challenge with your girlfriend to me, you know, seven times. Every time that we've talked in the last month, I've heard this, and that might be a good question to ask. You know, I remember a situation with a friend of mine years ago, and this kind of brings us into the closing conversation of there might be times where you have to kind of break up with these people, you know, where you need to not cut them out of your life. Because that, you know, that to me, that sounds a little harsh. You know, like you're angry, you're pissed off. It's like, you get out of my life. And so you kind of give them the middle finger and tell them to go on their way. That's not necessarily how I would handle this situation. Or. And I. Because I don't think it's effective. I think that it reaffirms that that person's a victim and you just become another villain in their story. And so finally I had a conversation with him where I said, you know, I have heard you complain for the last year about the same problems and asked you time and time again what you were planning on doing about it. And you don't seem to be willing or wanting to do that. And the amount of negativity and complaints and pity that you have for yourself is really damaging our relationship. And I love you, but. But I don't want to be around you anymore. And so unless you're willing to actually do something about the problems and the challenges that you're facing in your life and stop playing the victim, I don't want to spend time with you anymore. I don't want to hang out with you anymore. Don't call me. And it was a really hard conversation to have. But I came from this place of I love you, and here's the problem. It's you, right? You. You are the problem, right? It's not me, it's you. It's a very, like, role reversal from a sort of like a normal breakup. Now, that's not always going to be the case. Some people are going to double down on their victim. You know they're going to double down on their complaints when you set a boundary with them. So be boundaried. Ask them, what are you going to do about it? How are you going to help you? Because no one else can. No one else is coming to save you. And you know that. And see what they say. So if you enjoyed this video, comment below. Let me know what you thought. Let me know what you've done to navigate, deal with, interact with chronic complainers in your own life. And let me know what stood out to you about this video and what questions you have. Don't forget to subscribe to hit the Bell notification so that you can get notified when more videos drop like this. And until next week, this is Connor Beaton signing off.
How to Raise Strong, Unshakable Boys in Today's Culture, with Dr. Shefali Tsabary
