How To Definitively Know She's The One

All right, welcome to the Man Talk Show. I'm Connor Beaton and today we're going to be answering a question that I get all the time from men through Instagram, through Facebook, in the one on one work that I do with guys, how do I know if she's the one? And, you know, first, I just want to preface this by saying that I don't necessarily believe in the One as a concept. I think that we in our modern day, sort of post romantic society have idealized this concept of the One, and we suffer immensely from oneitis, this idea that there is only one individual for you and that if you, you know, mess up some relationship with this perfect being, that you're never going to have that quality or caliber of relationship again. I don't buy that. Mostly because of my own experience, largely because of talking with countless other people that have gone through heartbreak that thought that they had found the One and it doesn't work out, or somebody cheats or the relationship breaks down or whatever happens. And on the other side of that, both people find partners. Inevitably, whether it's, you know, a couple months later or a couple years later, they find a kind of relationship that actually supersedes the previous one, that actually outshines the previous one, because there's sort of a. A limitation to how we can see that relationship. And look, I think one of the challenges is that we're all looking for connection, men and women alike. However you identify, whatever your sexual orientation is, everyone's looking for connection. Everyone wants to find a home in the world in some capacity, a home within the context of a relationship. And so it's quite normal for us to look for that one. But I get asked the question all the time, how did you know that your wife was the one? And so this little list that I'm about to give you isn't perfect. It's probably not complete. There's certainly other parts and aspects to it that I would add, you know, along the way. But these are some of the pieces that I would say are incredibly important and that I have learned after, you know, countless failed relationships, countless great relationships, a couple of relationships that I thought were the one that weren't. And finding myself in a marriage that is phenomenal today, these are the things that I've found are incredibly important. And this idea of the One, I think is, again, it's important to let go of this notion that there's just one person out of the seven point, whatever, 4 billion people that we have on this, on this planet now, because that can create this quality of anxiousness, of fear, of abandonment, neediness and clinging that will often cause us to date and interact with people, Especially when we're really attracted to them and we feel this deep pull to being in a relationship with them. It can cause us to act completely out of integrity with who we actually are. We'll sacrifice our values, we'll sacrifice our integrity, we'll sacrifice know time with friends and family. All of that is in the name of what we call love, which I would actually call obsession. So this idea of the one is actually a very obsessive form that we need to let go of. And there's a great quote by a woman named Worson Shire, and hopefully I said the name right, but she said, my alone feels so good I'll only have you if you're sweeter than my solitude. My alone feels so good I'll only have you if you are sweeter than my solitude. So the idea here is that in order to find the One, in some ways, we already have to have become the one for ourselves. Or we are along that journey. We're deep into that journey in a way where we feel rooted and grounded within ourselves. You see, the problem that so many people have in relationships is that they get in a relationship with somebody that they admire, that they appreciate, that they respect, and they have more admiration, more respect, more appreciation, more love for that other person than they do for themselves. And that's where things really start to break down. So as a man, one of the most important things that you want to look for as you enter into this journey of looking for the right partner is, are you the right one? Are you in a place in your life where you can, in some capacity within yourself, be an embodiment of being the one? Of feeling confident in who you are, of feeling grounded and appreciative and respectful towards the man that you've become. Because that's really the very first part to this whole conversation that often gets missed, right? People often put out the 10 things that you need to look for, whatever the case may be. And what they don't talk about is you and who you are when you are dating who you see yourself as. That relationship to yourself is, in my opinion, the single biggest and most important component to this that needs to be addressed first and foremost. So if you're out there looking for the One, but you dislike yourself, you hate yourself, you think that you're a piece of garbage, that is not the right place to attract the right partner, because you are not the right partner. For yourself. So cultivate that relationship first. That's a different video and a different conversation for how to do that. So I'm going to go off the premise that you have done some work to develop that grounding within yourself, that rooting within yourself as a man, that you know who you are, you have respect for yourself, you've developed some competence within your own qualities of, of resiliency and being able to lead yourself, being able to make powerful decisions for yourself and life, that you are at least on that path to some degree that you trust yourself to make this, this quality and this caliber and this size of a life decision. Because the biggest challenge that most men have when they are looking for the one is that they don't trust themselves to make the decision when she shows up or when he shows up. That's very important sort of caveat to this whole conversation. So with that said, let's just dive into this because I think that there's some really important components to this that we can talk about. When it comes to how do identify the right partner for you. The first thing that I would say is that you don't want to change her. A lot of guys will get into a relationship with a woman, they'll be like, oh, she's a 10. Like, she's, she's so beautiful, she's so incredible, she's so funny. And then as you start to dig in, what you find is that he'll start to identify a few things. He's like, but I really can't stand this. And I, you know, I wish that she would take care of herself better in this way. Or I wish that she and the I wishes start to come out into the equation. And it's not that we want to blind ourselves because that's the other, that's the other end of the spectrum, right? Some guys will get into a relationship and because the person that, that he's dating is so beautiful or so wonderful or so intelligent that he feels unworthy of that relationship. And that's a very different perspective. We don't want to blind ourselves, but the main piece is that we don't want to change her. This means that you're not bothered by her shortcomings, right? You're not bothered by the imperfections. You actually appreciate them. You enjoy flaws. We have to realize that when we're getting into relationship with people, they're human beings, they're going to have flaws. And we need to be able to respect our partners, admire our partners, appreciate our partners with their flaws intact. Now A lot of men will get into relationships with a woman, and what they'll do is that they'll. It's not that they're in it to try and change them, but as these things start to come up, if you can't accept the flaws that she brings into the relationship, how can you ask her to accept the flaws that you are bringing into the relationship? You can't. And so we need to be able to embrace those parts of her. And this is arguably one of the most important things. I remember when my wife and I first started dating, I certainly was not perfect. I still am not perfect. I probably never will be perfect. And I don't want to be perfect because that's a. You know, it feels like a heavy weight to carry. But when we started dating, probably like five, six, seven months in, when the honeymoon phase is sort of over, I started to notice some of these qualities about her that were confronting, you know, that I was like, these feel like shortcomings. These feel like things that you. That you, as an individual, might be blind to. And I found myself in that moment starting to want to change her. And I caught myself in that pattern, and I was like, wait a second. Am I trying to fix her? Am I trying to change her as an individual? Or is this something that I can accept about her if she never changes? And that is the imperative question that you need to ask, because that behavior, that quality, that value in the woman that you're dating might never change. And so you need to sit with this question of can I accept this aspect of her if it never changes? If we get married and we spend 40 years together, if we never get married and we spend a decade together, can I accept this aspect of her? And if the answer is yes, or if the answer is yes, and I need a few things or a couple conversations in order to. In order to embrace this part and get her perspective about these aspects of her. Is this something that she's willing to work on even if it never changes, just to bring some awareness to it? Great. So ask yourself that question. Am I in a relationship with somebody that I don't need to change? And do the flaws, the shortcomings within my partner, are they things that I can embrace and accept if they never change? Now, the second part is that she challenges you to be the man that you, as a man, know that you're capable of being and becoming, not challenges you to be the man that she wants you to be. Huge, huge, huge distinction. I cannot stress this enough. If you are with a partner who is constantly trying to change you and mold you and shape you into the man that she thinks you should be. You're in dangerous territory. You're in murky water because it will create a power dynamic where you as a man will constantly feel controlled and pressed upon by your partner and vice versa, right? If you are trying to change her to be the version that you think she should be, she should get the hell out of there, right? No one should. No human being should be in a relationship with a, with another individual when that individual is trying to force or coerce or manipulate their partner to change into someone that they think they should be. We want to be sovereign individuals, autonomous, independent individuals that bring our full selves and our full expression to the relationship. And our partners can witness that, right? They can say, hey, I know that you're trying to better yourself in this way. I know that you want to be more reliable, more dependent, more, you know, self led in these ways. And so I'm holding a mirror up to hold you accountable to the man that you've told me as your partner that you want to be. And when we can find a partner that is willing to do that, beautiful. That's a beautiful experience because then we will in some ways always be able to have the freedom that we need in order to continue our path, our journey, our growth, our expansion and expression and embodiment of the type of man, father, husband, that we want to be. And we can maintain that quality of independence. Now, this doesn't mean that there's going to be, you know, moments in the relationship where these things don't come up. Certainly it's come up in my relationship with my wife where every once in a while, probably like 95% of the time she's holding me to the type of man that I want to be, that I view myself as being capable of becoming and being. But every once in a while, her views on who I should be will like, sneak in there and I can feel it, I can feel the difference in my body because it feels like I'm trying to be told to do something or be someone that I have no interest in being or becoming. And so start to get to notice, start to get to know that difference within yourself. The next one, which is really important is that you are willing to own your shit and you aren't trying to hide things from her. Now you may have past patterns and past relationships where you've hid things and you've been out of integrity, but when you've found the one you want to Bring those things forward, right? When you found a partner that you are committed to, you want to bring some of these pieces forward. Now, this might mean apologies, right? It might mean apologizing for things that you've done or said or in the ways that you've behaved. It might mean that you are owning where you've been out of integrity, owning where you have dropped the ball, where you failed, where you have maintained your word. But you are willing to own your shit within the relationship at all costs. You are willing to own your side of the equation without needing to berate her, berate her about her side of the equation without needing to say, yeah, but I did that because you said or did this. You're actually just willing to find a sense of ownership for your part so that you as a man can stay connected to your sense of self leadership, your own integrity, and your own sense of self respect and self trust. Those are really, really, really important. And finally, and this is maybe one of the most important pieces I find, especially within modern dating and modern culture, a lot of women have very healthy masculine essences within themselves. They have a very healthy relationship to the masculine. Because a lot of women have been told that in order to be successful in the world, what you actually need to embody is masculine qualities just to be more like a man and to bring those qualities into work environments and into relationships and into friendships. And that in order to thrive, right, as the song goes, it's a man's world. In order to thrive in a man's world, you have to be able to think like a man, act like a man, and bring some of those masculine qualities in. And so because of that, a lot of women, they sometimes struggle to switch that masculine part off when they get into a relationship. And that's okay. It's no fault of their own. And it's. I mean, it's totally, totally fine, right? We. We want also women that have a healthy relationship to their feminine, to their masculine, or as Jung would say, to their enema and to their enemas. Just like we as men need to have a healthy relationship to our masculine and to our feminine and to be able to embody whatever is needed in the moment. But. And this is a big old but what is happening in modern relationships is that a lot of men are getting into relationships with women who have that healthy masculine within them that sometimes is a little bit overzealous in the relationship. And they are starting to compete with one another. And so there's a tremendous amount of competition that can start to show up in the relationship competition for who's doing better in life, who's growing faster, who's earning more, who is outpacing the person, who's doing more physically, who is accumulating more or acquiring more. And so it's all these very like masculine competitive traits start to show up in the relationship and it can really diminish the attraction, it can diminish the polarity, it can diminish the communication. Because what will start to happen is that we as men will start to engage in competition with our partner as if we were competing with another man. And when we do that, how we compete with men is a very different experience. The rules are very different when it comes to competing with men. And so how do you know that you found the one, you're able to shift out of this space of needing to compete with the woman that you're dating or with the partner or the person that you're dating? We never want to have a really high level of competition with our partner because partnership is exactly as it sounds. It is a team oriented experience. And so as soon as the dynamics with our partner start to shift into this, like, like I'm competing against you for the chores, right? I've doing, I'm doing more around, around the house than you, I'm cleaning up more than you, you know, and charts start to get made and tallied, and task lists are being tracked on Excel spreadsheets.

No joke like this, this is out there and, and no shame to the people that do it. Maybe, maybe it really works in your relationship, I don't know. But that level of competition with our partner, even if it's unconscious, we might be judging our partner for us.

In some capacity, right? That we are. We have more sexual experience than them, or we have more intellectual academic experience than them. And in this way we start to invite competition into our relational dynamic. What's the problem with competing with our partner is that we start to exile vulnerabilities. We start to exile vulnerabilities. Why is that? Well, very simply, when you're in competition with somebody, what do you not want them to know? You don't want them to know your weaknesses. You don't want them to know where you're struggling, where you're suffering, how you might be in pain, where you might be impeded in within yourself. And so what can start to happen, and I've seen this a lot in relationships where partners are in competition with one another, is that each individual will slowly start to withhold, or one person specifically will really start to withhold vulnerability, truth, authenticity, desires, needs within the relationship, and they'll start to collapse because they feel like on some level they're either losing the battle with their partner, they're losing the competition, or they are exhausted from the competition. It's not something that they want to engage in. And so they start to check out and it starts to erode the communication, the intimacy, the sex, all of what makes the relationship so juicy and wonderful. Everything that makes that partnership so cohesive, it starts to erode that part of the relationship. So these are the pieces that I would just give you very briefly, maybe not so briefly. And again, like I said, the very beginning, this all starts with your relationship to yourself. Have you started on the journey as a man to be the one for you to build that relationship of self respect, of self leadership, of trusting in your own decisions? Because a lot of men haven't. And a lot of men find these incredible women that enter into their life and they don't know what to do with them because they don't know. And they don't trust their own decision as a man to know whether or not that is the right partner for you. So start to build that relationship to self. Thanks so much for tuning in. Don't forget to tag a friend that you think should listen to this and watch this and leave a comment. Thank you so much for tuning in.