How To Definitively Know She's The One

Foreign.

Welcome to the Man Talk Show. I'm Connor Beaton and today we're going to be answering a question that I get all the time from men, through Instagram, through Facebook, in the one on one work that I do with guys, how do I know if she's the one? And you know, first, I just want to preface this by saying that I don't necessarily believe in the One as a concept. I think that we in our modern day, sort of post romantic society have idealized this concept of the One, and we suffer immensely from oneitis. This idea that there is only one individual for you and that if you, you know, mess up some relationship with this perfect being, that you're never going to have that quality or caliber of relationship. I don't buy that. So the idea here is that in order to find the One, in some ways, we already have to have become the One for ourselves or we are along that journey. We're deep into that journey in a way where we feel rooted and grounded within ourselves. You see, the problem that so many people have in relationships is that they get in a relationship with somebody that they admire, that they appreciate, that they respect, and they have more admiration, more respect, more appreciation, more love for that other person than they do for themselves. And that's where things really start to break down. So as a man, one of the most important things that you want to look for as you enter into this journey of looking for the right partner is, are you the right one? Are you in a place in your life where you can, in some capacity within yourself, be an embodiment of being the One, of feeling confident who you are, of feeling grounded and appreciative and respectful towards the man that you've become. Because that's really the very first part to this whole conversation that often gets missed, right? People often put out the 10 things that you need to look for, whatever the case may be. And what they don't talk about is you and who you are when you are dating, who you see yourself as. That relationship to yourself is, in my opinion, the single biggest and most important component to this that needs to be addressed first and foremost. So if you're out there looking for the One, but you dislike yourself, you hate yourself, you think that you're a piece of garbage, that is not the right place to attract the right partner. The first thing that I would say is that you don't want to change her. A lot of guys will get into a relationship with a woman, they'll be like, oh, she's a 10 like, she's. She's so beautiful, she's so incredible. She's so funny. And then as you start to dig in, what you find is that he'll start to identify a few things. He's like, but I really can't stand this. And I wish that she would take care of herself better in this way. Or I wish that she and I. Wishes start to come out into the equation. And it's not that we want to blind ourselves, because that's the other end of the spectrum, right? Some guys will get into a relationship and because the person that he's dating is so beautiful or so wonderful or so intelligent that he feels unworthy of that relationship. And that's a very different perspective. We don't want to blind ourselves, but the main piece is that we don't want to change her. Now, the second part is that she challenges you to be the man that you, as a man, know that you're capable of being and becoming, not challenges you to be the man that she wants you to be. Huge, huge, huge distinction. I cannot stress this enough. If you are with a partner who is constantly trying to change you and mold you and shape you into the man who that she thinks you should be, you're in dangerous territory. You're in murky water because it will create a power dynamic where you, as a man will constantly feel controlled and pressed upon by your partner and vice versa, right? If you are trying to change her to be the version that. That you think she should be, she should get the hell out of there, right? No. No one should. No human being should be in a relationship with a. With another individual when that individual is trying to force or coerce or manipulate their partner to change into someone that they think they should be. The next one, which is really important, is that you are willing to own your shit and you aren't trying to hide things from her. Now, you may have past patterns and past relationships where you've hid things and you've been out of integrity, but when you've found the one, you want to bring those things forward, right? When you found a partner that you are committed to, you want to bring some of these pieces forward. Now, this might mean apologies, right? It might mean apologizing for things that you've done or said or in the ways that you've behaved. It might mean that you are owning where you've been out of integrity, owning where you have dropped the ball, where you failed, where you haven't maintained your word, but you are willing to own your shit within the relationship at all costs. You are willing to own your side of the equation without needing to berate her, berate her about her side of the equation without needing to say, yeah, but I did that because you said or did this. You're actually just willing to find a sense of ownership for your part so that you as a man can stay connected to your sense of self leadership, your own integrity, and your own sense of self respect and self trust. Those are really, really, really important. What is happening in modern relationships is that a lot of men are getting into relationships with women who have that healthy masculine within them that sometimes is a little bit overzealous in the relationship. And they are starting to compete with one another. And so there's a tremendous amount of competition that can start to show up in the relationship. Competition for who's doing better in life, who's growing faster, who's earning more, who is outpacing the person, who's doing more physically, who is accumulating more, acquiring more. And so it's all these very, like, masculine competitive traits start to show up in the relationship. And it can really diminish the attraction, it can diminish the polarity, it can diminish the communication. Because what will start to happen is that we as men will start to engage in competition with our partner as if we were competing with another man. And when we do that, how we compete with men is a very different experience. The rules are very different when it comes to competing with men. And so how do you know that you've found the one? You're able to shift out of this space of needing to compete with the woman that you're dating or with the partner or the person that you're dating. So start to build that relationship to self. Thanks so much for tuning in. Don't forget to tag a friend that you think should listen to this and watch this and leave a comment. Thank you so much for tuning in.

Sam.