Connor Beaton breaks down the anxious-avoidant cycle where one partner pulls away while the other seeks reassurance, creating constant conflict. The anxious partner gets stuck in a validation trap. Both need self-regulation through meditation and breathwork to stop misreading each other's signals.
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Team, welcome back to the Mantalk show. Connor Beaton here. And today we're gonna be diving into how do you fix, how do you end the anxious avoidant dynamic? Right, so maybe you're an anxious person or you're an avoidant person and you found yourself in a relationship with the opposing attachment style, which is probably what has brought you here. Let's dive in and talk a little bit first about what characterizes the anxious avoidant dance. The first thing is this push pull dynamic where one person seems to be pulling away and the other one seems to be a stage five clearance. No, just kidding. Anxious people. Just kidding. And generally you have one person that is moving towards an over indexing of self reliance or self protection, and that's the avoidant person as a relational strategy. Right? So their relational strategy is I rely on me more than I rely on us to a really detrimental degree to the relationship. And then the other person has a relations relational strategy of I need you to be okay in order for me to be okay. Whereas the avoidant is I don't need you to be okay. I don't need this relationship to be okay. I can only rely on me in order to be okay. So that's just a quick little summary of what it can look like. And the reason why these two are attracted to one another is not just because they're complementary opposites. They're attracted to one another because the anxious sees a part of themselves that they feel is lacking in the avoidant. And the avoidant sees and admires parts of themselves in the other person that they know they're lacking. Right? So the avoidant person generally will, when you ask them, what do you admire about your partner? And they'll talk about the anxious person and they'll say, I love their passion, I love how open they are, I love their availability, I love their expression. I love how willing they are to, you know, say what they want or say what they need. And usually those are all things that are missing inside of that avoidant person. Right? They, they are not that they're lacking in passion necessarily. They're not open, they're not necessarily available.
They aren't as expressive as they would ultimately like to be, and they don't have any reliance on other people. So often a hallmark of the anxious avoidant dynamic is that when there are bids for closeness and intimacy and connection, when there are moments that closeness, intimacy and connection are possible, or intimacy, closeness and connection is requested or demanded, conflict ensues. All right? So intimacy and closeness and connection. When that starts to arise in the relationship. This is usually the inflection point for some type of conflict. And this is where, you know, it might be that the avoidant person starts to criticize the anxious one or the anxious one starts to criticize the avoidant one. You never want to spend time with me. How come you don't want to go out to dinner or, like, spend time with my friends. Friends or my family? And this will create conflict. So a lot of the conflict that you experience in this type of relationship revolves around just being close, just being connected, staying intimate. And then last, this is another big one is misinterpretation of signals. Okay? Misinterpretation of signals. Very simply put, you will have either partner the anxious or the avoidant misrepresenting or misinterpreting the signals from the other person. Right? So the anxious person might see the avoidant asking for some space or saying, hey, you know what? Tonight I just want to kind of like, do my own thing. I'm going to, you know, go into the shop and do my woodworking or I'm going to watch my own show, or I'm going to go to gym or Brazilian jiu jitsu or, like a dance class or whatever it is. And then the anxious person misinterprets that as you don't love me, you don't want to be with me, you're leaving me, et cetera, et cetera, and vice versa. Right. The avoidant person might hear the anxious person saying, hey, you know what? We haven't been on a date in a few weeks. I would love to just go out with you on Friday night and, like, go have a beer or, you know, go out and have a good meal. And the avoidant person might misinterpret that as, like, oh, you're wanting, you know, some level of commitment, you're trying to push something, or you're being so needy right now, or whatever it is, even though it's just a bid for connection. So again, a lot of the conflict will come out of bids for connection and bids for solitude. Okay? Now, this doesn't mean that you can't have direct, clear conversations about, hey, where are things going? You know, it's been six months or it's been a year, and I want to know where we stand. It doesn't mean that you can't have those conversations. It simply means that your work is to learn to ground yourself in the face of discomfort, hard conversations, your sometimes your deep insecurities that might be coming up. What if I'M not good enough. What if I'm not smart enough? What if I'm not attractive enough to the other person? I need them to reassure me that I'm enough. So what you do is every time that this starts to come up, right, this anxiousness starts to come up, am I enough? Are they going to leave me? Yada, yada, yada, you have some type of tool, a meditation practice, a breathwork practice, a journaling practice where you can start to ground yourself, soothe yourself, regulate yourself, and then reinforce your own level of self worth, worth. Okay, super, super important. And this next one is going to help with this, which is end the validation trap. The, the trap that anxious partners get into, especially with avoidance, which causes a lot of conflict and chaos, is that you are constantly seeking validation from the other person, right? You're looking to them to reaffirm that you're smart enough, good enough, valuable, have worth, are lovable, all of those types of pieces. And so part of your mission is to go on a journey of self recognition, to actually develop an inner infrastructure, an inner behavioral pattern of being able to recognize yourself, validate yourself, appreciate yourself. And you might have to practice that for months. It might be something that you keep a gratitude journal about and you have a very specific practice for yourself. It might be a way of being, a way of living that you start to do that every time you operate in a way that reinforces that you've made a good decision, that you have value, that you offered something of value, that you contribute something of value, that you actually take a moment to recognize yourself for doing those things so that you can reinforce, yeah, you know what? I am doing a good job. I do have value. I do bring something to the table. I do contribute something in this marriage or this relationship. Create a list, talk about these things. If you are in a relationship with somebody that is willing to do this, work with you. So as always, thank you so much for tuning in to this episode. I hope that this serves you and your life and your relationships. And as always, don't forget to man it forward. Share this with just one person, person in your life that you know will benefit from it. And don't forget to leave me a comment if you're watching on YouTube, I'd love to hear your thoughts or DM me on Instagram at man talks. All right team, be well. See you next time.
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