Connor Beaton explains how to "call your partner forward" — a way of giving feedback that assumes the partner is capable of better behavior than they are currently showing. He frames the practice as confronting out-of-integrity behavior (example: a partner using insults in an argument) from a grounded stance, especially when the masculine is calling the feminine forward.
Going to talk about how to call your partner forward.
Okay. One of the questions I've been seeing a lot in the back end in my direct messages on Instagram is like, how do I call my partner forward? Or call them out on their behavior? How can I give them feedback? Because when I do, it seems to be taken very personally and it's very challenging. And so I'm going to just create a bit of a container and give you exactly how what I've seen to work really, really well, especially when the masculine is calling forward the feminine. So I think the first piece is just to revisit what the heck does it mean to call someone forward. So the basic principle here is that you know them to be capable of something more than what they're doing. So let's say, for example, you're in an argument with your partner and she starts to call you names or really be chastising in an unhealthy way, like calling you a piece of crap or whatever.
That is probably out of integrity for her. And it's an area where you can start to call her forward because you know that she's better than that. You know that she's capable of being.
Angry but not being aggressive. Right. Being able to express herself, but not needing to really diminish you and criticize you and take you down in that way in order to get her point across. So how do we call our partner forward? This is something that I think is really important. The first thing is we need to label and identify the behavior that they're experiencing or expressing. So maybe, for example, you see the pattern that's showing up for her or showing up for your partner, whether it's man or woman, man or a woman, that their pattern is showing up, that they are pushing you away, or they're stonewalling or their anxiety has come up and it's completely taken over. Okay, so step one is label the thing. Label exactly what you see happening. Like, hey, I noticed that your anxiety is coming up, or I noticed that you're starting to stonewall. Or I notice that this is like whatever the behavior is, I noticed that you're starting to shut down. Is that true? Is that what's happening right now? So step one is just labeling the thing. Step two is bringing an energy of groundedness, calmness, and maybe some love and playfulness. If you have a partner that goes into their masculine when conflict arises and so they start to become much more attack oriented and maybe they are needed to prove their point over and over again, or they're just trying to be right over and over again. That's a really great space to bring some playful energy in, because they have. They're sort of gridlocked in seriousness, right? And that. That can be very physically constraining. It can be intellectually constraining, emotionally constraining. And so we want to meet. We want to meet that seriousness with a little bit of playfulness. So a good example of this is like, let's say your partner goes into a mode that they need to be right. And I just had a client this morning that gave me, like, the perfect example. He was like, you know, we were watching TV the other day, and, you know, this. My. My partner was like, oh, I think that we have, like, seven episodes left in this show. And he was like, no, we actually only have three episodes. And she was like, no, I'm sure of it. And he's like, I'm sitting here looking at the tv. I can see how many episodes that we have left to watch. And she's. She's arguing with him. And rather than him just, like, getting grounded, shifting his energy, he got caught up in her energy. He got caught up in the chaos of being right. And then what happens is two people just devolve into point proving. Both of them are trying to be right, both of them are trying to prove their point, and the conversation doesn't go anywhere. So the advice there was like, well, shift your energy. Let go of the need to be right, and notice that this might be a pattern, and for this individual, that it is a pattern for them. This individual needed to be right, to be safe growing up. If they were wrong, there was punishment, there was discipline. And so there's a threat to being wrong. And so their need to be right is very, very, very, very high. So I said, call that part out, right? See it and label it and just say, this here needs to be right part, because I can see the tv. I can see what's happening right now. So is this your need to be right part? And say it with some humor. Say it with some lightness. It doesn't always need to be serious. And then say, you know what? I think that at some point, hey, I think that this is an opportunity for you to grow. It's an opportunity for you to learn. So this is kind of like the arc of the conversation. Now, the thing that I want to just preface is that you'll probably get pushback, right, the first couple of times that you do this. Anytime that we shift our behavior in conflict with our partner, and there's probably going to be pushback because what we've normally done is we've tried to prove our point or we've shut down and stonewalled or whatever our behavior has been. So as soon as we start to shift our behavior, it creates a threat response within our partner's nervous system and mind. They're like, oh, he's not doing the normal thing. He's not fighting with me. He's not arguing. He's not trying to prove his point. What the hell is this guy up to? Right? So just notice that meeting her with this sort of more playful energy and this more grounded energy of like, it's okay, it's all good. I see this part of you is probably going to be met with a little bit of resistance at first, but it's very important to continue on with it. What we want to do. The main part of calling our partner forward is identifying and seeing and labeling the behavior that's showing up really, really, really important. Whatever the behavior is, the behind intention should be, I see you, I see you. I see your protection. I see how you're trying to protect yourself. I see that you feel threatened. I see that you maybe don't feel understood. Whatever it is, it should be, I see you, and I got you, and it's okay. That needs to always, always, always unequivocally be the intention behind whatever boundary you're saying. Whatever behavior you're labeling always needs to come from that place.
How to Raise Strong, Unshakable Boys in Today's Culture, with Dr. Shefali Tsabary
