How To Last Longer In Bed (secrets of adult film star)

Obviously one of the big questions that I got from guys was how do I last longer and how do I have better erections? And so talk to me a little bit about the art and the science of lasting longer. Let's begin there.

Cool. I mean, we talked about the porn stuff. So it's always the first step. Cut that crap out. Right. Lasting longer is a large component of. Lasting longer is basically Pavlovian conditioning or like just conditioning in general and how you have conditioned your body to react to sexual stimuli or physical stimuli in a lot of cases. So the, the way that men masturbate, the way that especially when it comes to pornography, a lot of guys will deliberately accidentally training themselves to finish quickly because they'll jump online or watch a video and they're beating their meat as fast and vigorously as they can and they're trying to finish as fast as they possibly can. And obviously what is that doing? If you don't understand anything about Pavlovian conditioning or anchoring and conditioning in general, you're literally just training your body to bust as quickly as you possibly can. So why are you surprised that when you are with a beautiful woman who's, and it's probably a novel experience for you, if you're not having that much sex, why are you surprised then? If you're coming very quickly, you expect. It's like, it would be like walking to and from the grocery store every day and then expecting to run a marathon. Yeah, right. You're just not going to be. You haven't conditioned and trained your body to respond that way. So obviously if you have, if you have a long term partner and you're still running into that kind of an issue, like it's not, in that case, it's probably not a novelty thing because she's not genuinely super novel. Right. Because you've been with her for several years, but you still might be conditioning yourself to have sex with her in a certain way that leads to you climaxing quickly. So one of the things I always used to do whenever I was having sex on set for pornos is I'd always do my least favorite sex position first. Because what tends to happen is if a guy, and this is from my own personal experience and from talking with other professional male adult film stars like myself, is if you can last at least like five minutes, if you can kind of get over that hump of like excitement within the first five minutes, then typically you can last as long as you really want. But if you, if you lose control, if you, if it's slightly out of your control within those first few minutes. Then you're kind of playing, you're playing catch up, you're kind of in recovery mode the whole time. So the first position, the first thing, first kind of physical stimulus you go through during sex will tend to dictate like how sensitive you feel throughout the rest of the sexual interaction. And another thing or another very, very common thing that I noticed amongst other male porn stars is they'll go down a woman that's, they'll start sex by like by eating pussy. And they'll start that way because it does two things. One, the, the actual like in influx and the smell and the, the indoctrination of like pheromones that you can get from a woman's groinal area makes you excited and makes you aroused and gives you a hard on. And two, it allows you to have that hard on without it being overly stimulated to start with for a few minutes so you can have control over it and you can last as well. Yeah, that's the lasting longer side of things in terms of the erection side of things. So there's two differences between, there's a difference rather between what's known as erectile dysfunction and what's known as performance anxiety. And people tend to conflate these two together. Unfortunately, erectile dysfunction is a blood flow issue. It's like a, it's a physical condition of, you know, you've got arterial plaques perhaps in, you know, not just arteries throughout your body, but also there's arteries in your penis. And if you have arterial plaque in there, like calcium deposits, then you will not be able, the blood vessels can't, you know, relax as much, expand as much and be filled with as much blood. So that will hinder your ability to maintain a strong, long lasting erection. So that's kind of erectile dysfunction. And a lot of that comes down to diet, exercise, hormones, being as healthy as you possibly can be. Unfortunately, due to the standard western diet, that tends to be compromised quite a bit. And then the performance anxiety side of things is the mental component one of them, you know, a big mistake that people think when, when it comes to this problem, they can't get it up in the bedroom. The first thing they do is they reach for the, they reach for the little blue pill, they reach for Viagra or Cialis or something like that. And what you don't realize or they, they fail to realize is that a lot of the times when that actually works, it's a placebo effect because it doesn't vira and showers don't give you an erection. They help you maintain one for a longer period of time. It's a blood flow thing that Viagra and Cialis fix. They don't fix the mental component. You can still be. You can take as many Viagras if you like and you can still be too nervous to get an erection because it doesn't excite you. The feeling of excitement is what starts the process of giving you a boner in the first place. And if, if you're, if you're in your head too much, if you, if you're self conscious, if you're nervous, if you're doubting yourself sexually and doubt, you're doubting like whether or not your partner is like kind of interested in you or in, into being, you know, sexual with you or you're worried, maybe you're even worried about like pushing things a bit too far like we talked about with the me too stuff. A lot of guys can get paranoid about that can. All that can, can start to hinder your ability to relax and be present and be in the moment. Because erection is like we talked about before, a relaxation response. You need to be relaxed. And the ideal state, the ideal, ideal mental state for a man in the bedroom is actually one of calm arousal. It's a combination of those two. Like he's, he's excited, but he's not, he's not too excited where. To the point where he doesn't have control and he's going to, he's going to, you know, blow his load very quickly and he's not too excited to the point where he's actually nervous about his performance either. It's a calm, confident arousal is the ideal male state of mind to go into sexual is because then he can last as long as he wants. He can enjoy himself, he can, you know, make. He can. He's calm enough to maintain a strong erection. And everyone's, you know, she's having a great time, he's having a great time, everyone's happy. Right. So how do you achieve that mental state? A large part of that is taking the pressure off of yourself. I think guys will come into the bedroom from a kind of performative.

Frame of mind. Like they need to perform, they need to impress her, they need to deliver, to feel like a man, to feel like they've given her a good experience. But if you put too much of that pressure on yourself, then it does the complete opposite. It causes you to fail in the first place. Taking a lot of that in act actually being a Little bit selfish as a guy and actually enjoying looking after, getting your own first, like as in trying to do things. This is obviously, if you don't have a problem with that, with premature ejaculation. This is one of these two. You got to kind of talk about them all at one encompassing idea. Because if you get a bit too selfish, then obviously you're probably going to have the same problem we talked about before. You're going to bust too quickly. Right. But if you're not selfish enough, then you're not paying attention to your own body and your own needs and you're not going to be in that calm state of arousal that we're, we're aiming for.

I love that man. Because I, I mean, for a while I talk a lot about the nervous system and one of the things that I've talked about in the past is how you have to be in a, in a parasympathetic dominant state in order to even get an erection as a man. And so one of the things that we don't, I mean, yeah, your autonomic nervous system has the sympathetic and the parasympathetic and most of us just spend the day in a stressed out, over taxed state in our sympathetic nervous system. And then we, you know, have the opportunity, whenever that is, to have sex. And then, you know, guys are like, well, how come I can't, you know, I'm struggling with performance anxiety or this or that. It's like, well, you're, you're entering into that situation already taxed, already stressed out. And what I see happening with a lot of guys is they can't get out of that stress state. And conversely, they've actually been using unintentionally pornography as a means to get out of that stress state.

Right.

Because you use porn. And I think I read in the pornhub data it was like the average watch time was like 9 minutes and 50 seconds or something like that. I was gonna make a comment on my, my porn watching usage back in my 20s, which was definitely not that it was like, it was like a couple hours, which was also not healthy. But I think, you know, a lot of guys are using porn as a means to like downregulate, to just feel more chill, feel more relaxed. And so when they're entering into, into sex, they're having problems getting out of that stress state and into that relaxed state because they been using getting off as a tool to just downregulate, you know, as a tool to de.

Stress.