How To Lead in a Relationship (Your Next Step)

All right, welcome back. We are going to be talking about how to lead in a relationship, part two. There is a part one to this that you can check out on the channel if you haven't already. Tons of people have loved that video. So go and check it out either on YouTube or Spotify. Let's dive into part two. How do you lead in your relationship as a man? First off, I can't even believe I have to say this, but it's shocking to me how controversial this is for some people.

There's this notion that, you know, to lead in a relationship as a man is somehow misogynistic and it's not what women want. And generally, like where I want to begin is for you as a guy, just like I would say, just generally ignore the people that say that they don't want you to lead in a relationship. What most women are, I've found, are actually saying is that they don't want to be treated like a servant in a relationship. They don't want to be treated as less than in a relationship. They don't want to be looked down on. And all that's true. When I'm talking about leading a relationship, I'm not talking like you're the boss and they have to do what you say. We're not talking about, you know, you being the like executive manager and she's this servant that has to go along with things. That's not what we're talking about. Leadership, as I defined it in the first video, is a process of influence where one or many people are influenced towards a common goal or task. Now for me, leadership is reciprocal. Leadership is reciprocal. If you are trying to lead in a non reciprocal manner, meaning you are not letting yourself be influenced in return by your employees, by your partner, by your girlfriend, your wife, whoever it is that you are leading and having some leadership with, that is not healthy, effective leadership. That, that is tyrannical, that's trying to dominate, that's trying to coerce, that's a whole bunch of other things. And that's not what I'm talking about. You might think that that's fine and that's whatever, but that's not what I'm talking about. The leadership that I'm talking about is reciprocal in nature. So you are influencing somebody, but you're getting influenced in return. And again, I think I'll just make a side comment and I'll tell you about the three things that, with a bonus that you can start to do to lead more effectively in your relationship. If you are dating and this is just me, and you're dating somebody that's like, I don't need a man. I don't want, you know, I don't need anything from a man. That to me is a red flag. I just wouldn't go down that path at all as a man. Because what that woman is generally saying to you is, I'm going to resist being influenced by you pretty much at every stop. And that, again, is not a reciprocal relationship. Really healthy, secure relationships between anybody, between any gender and any sexual orientation is one where both people are being influenced, ideally in a positive way, and they're allowing that and they're receiving that. Because a really healthy relationship is one where you benefit in return. Even if you're leading a lot of the relationship, which going to talk about more here in a second, you should be getting influenced in return in a way that is positive and beneficial. And it grows you, it deepens you as a man, as a person. It helps you deepen into yourself. So this idea that you as a man need to lead from the front, never being influenced by, you know, your girlfriend or wife, that I think is a very archaic modality that's going to set you up for failure because you're going to feel alone. Your wife, your girlfriend's going to feel like they have, like they're not able to contribute to you. It's sort of the man's version of saying, I don't need a woman, I don't need anything from you. That idea of, I'm going to lead things, I'm not going to let you influence me. I'm not going to take anything that you have to say that's as closed off as I don't need a man. Okay, let's dive in. The first thing that you need to start with when leading in your relationship is to be exceptional in leading yourself first. Be exceptional in leading yourself first. Now what do I mean by that? Too many men are trying to get things right in their relationship with their girlfriends, with their wife, and they really lack focus on being the man that they need for themselves. So who is the man that you need to be for you? What is the type of man or the type of leader that you need to be for yourself? Get your health together, eat better, stop eating, you know, 30 minutes before you go to bed. Stop smashing ice cream and popcorn or a slice of pizza right before you go to bed. Get better sleep. You know.

One of the things I wanted, like, I wanted, I had like the moment from home alone in my head, like, take A damn shower every day, you filthy animal. I remember there was times in my life where it's just like a day or two would go by, and even though I'd work out, like, I just wouldn't take a shower. Like, I know some of you are doing that. Don't judge me, right? I know some of you do that. You're just like, yeah, it's okay if I don't shower. I worked out. I'm gonna go to bed. I'm not gonna shower. I see you guys. I know. I'm like, I'm a bit of an animal myself.

Eat better, sleep better. Get your finances in order, right? Get your finances together. Or at the very least, understand where you actually stand with your finances. And remember that respect is earned, right? So if you want your girlfriend or your wife to have a deep reverence and sense of respect for your leadership, then you need to have that for yourself. So get very clear on what are the things that you want to start doing for yourself to lead yourself more effectively. Maybe that's doubling down on your morning routine. Maybe it's making sure that you work out four or five times a week. Maybe it's that you hire a bookkeeper, an accountant, to just go through your finances and have a really robust picture of your finances that might be worth the four or five hundred bucks that you'd have to spend for somebody to do that for you. But really be exceptional in leading yourself first, because that is going to lay the foundation for. For any partner to trust you and trust your leadership. Because people watch what we do and not what we say, and we have to remember that. I think we all know it. We all know the cliche saying. You've probably heard it a billion times. But we forget it in the moment when we're frustrated that, you know, you're frustrated that your girlfriend isn't really, like, listening to you in a conversation about what. Where you want to go on a date, or there's some conflict about something, whatever it is, and you forget it in that moment that how you've been leading yourself is impacting the conversation that she's having you, or her resistance or her frustration with you and not wanting to, like, really go with your leadership or trust your perspective in some area.

Step number two to leading in your relationship more effectively. Stop taking her emotions so personally, okay? Most men try and lead emotionally in relationship by solving your, you know, your girlfriend's problems, your wife's issues, by trying to fix it, by trying to make them feel better, by jumping, you know, through Hoops to try and figure out how you can rectify the issue for them. And most of those things are going to not feel like leadership.

Leading when your partner, especially a woman, is really upset, angry, sad, is about becoming a harbor where she can bring those things, becoming a place where she can express some of her frustrations, her disappointments, her sadness, her anger without you going into a place. And this is where we, we get confused as men because it's like, well, I need to do something about this. Wrong. You don't necessarily need to do anything about it unless she's specifically asking you to do something about it. Now, you can get clear on that by asking that directly. And you can say, hey, is this something that you want me to help you solve or fix? Is this something that you want me to do something about? Or would it be more helpful for me to hear you out and understand what you're going through? That question right there is leadership. That question right there is saying, I'm going to allow you to influence how I show up for you in this space. You're not saying, tell me what you need right now. Because oftentimes, you know, if you're with a woman who's a little bit more sensitive or, you know, a little bit more guarded, she might be like, I don't need anything right now, or I don't know what I need right now. And so that question can actually shut her down more. So opening the door to say, is this something that you actually want my support with and that you need me to help you problem solve, or is this something that you are really just wanting me to hear and understand? Now, generally speaking, I'm going to give you the 80, 20 to rule. 80% of the time it's the latter. 80% of the time, she's going to want you to be that harbor, that place where she can bring some of her frustrations, her emotions to, to vent some of those things, talk about some of those things, and you might be of service to her by saying, hey, you know what? I think this is one of those things that you should definitely go talk to your girlfriend about. You know, go talk to so and so about this. This. I think she'd really be able to support you with this. Hear her out for a while and really connect with her and understand why she's upset. But also, don't be afraid to recommend resources. I do this with my wife all the time. She's got a great network of really solid female friends that I like, that I trust. And so I don't hesitate to listen to a problem. I'm like, you know, I get where you're coming from, and I think maybe it'd be beneficial for you to talk to Erica about this or to call Sarah or to have a conversation with Abby or whatever it is. And she's like, yeah, you know what? You're right. Thank you so much. And then she texts her friends and off she goes. So sometimes we as men get so myopic that we think that we need to solve the problem for them. And that shuts down the connection and the trust and the leadership. So opening the door, not personalizing her emotions, that's the other piece. Even if she's angry with you, can you be okay with her being upset? Can you be okay with her being disappointed? Right. This is a very, very deep practice in a relationship. Now, I understand that some of you have had relationships with women who have moved into this real chronic, complaining.

Chronic disappointment. And that's brutal. I just want to recognize that some of you have been in relationships or marriages where legitimately your wife or girlfriend has just occupied this space that they're going to criticize you into oblivion. And that's terrible. Okay? I'm not advocating for that. I'm not saying that you should have to just stand the test of time, of being chronically obliterated by criticism from somebody who's unwilling to recognize or acknowledge or appreciate you. That's not a healthy relationship either. That is not what I'm advocating for. What I'm really talking to is in a secure dynamic, being able to. To understand that sometimes you're going to screw up, you're going to get things wrong. Your partner, your girlfriend, your wife, they're going to have natural disappointments or they had an expectation that just didn't happen. And what can be so powerful is you being okay with them not being okay. This is one of the greatest gifts, especially with your girlfriend or your wife being able to give them. I'm all right even though you're not. Even though you're disappointed with me. I. I might be disappointed that, you know, I let you down, that I forgot something. Of course I might have regret that I didn't, you know, that I missed this thing because it seems so obvious. But I'm okay. I'm not beating the crap out of myself. I'm not hyper defending myself. I'm not going on the attack against you. I'm okay even though you are not. So not taking her emotions so personally. The last thing is leading in connection and leading in repair. So can you initiate, can you initiate connection? Can you initiate physical intimacy, touch, playfulness? Can you sit her down and say, tell me about your day, right? I'm going to pour you a glass of wine or, you know, I'm going to cut up the vegetables for dinner. Tell me about your day while I do that. And in, in doing this, you are opening the door for connection. And now it's her job to walk through it. But you are leading the connection physically, emotionally, psychologically, sexually. Now, I'm not saying that you're responsible for that a hundred percent of the time. That is absolutely not the case. But if you start to take leadership over this and you start to direct the connection on an ongoing basis, this is going to be something that your, again, your girlfriend, your wife, your partner is really going to start to love because they are going to trust that. Like, here's, here's how I want to frame this. A man who initiates interest in connection is a man that is showing that he chooses that woman. And I'm using a, you know, man and a woman because that's just the majority of my audience. But you can take this for any relationship style you're signaling. I'm interested in who you are and what's going on in your life and having you close. And so long as you're not with like a hyper avoidant attached person, they're going to love that, they're going to appreciate that that little effort is like being courted constantly. It's like being dated constantly where you're showing interest because everybody knows what it's like. In the first six to 12 months of a relationship, generally you as a man, you're making some type of a concerted effort to initiate connection, to initiate the conversation, the emotional connection, the sexual connection. And over time, what can happen is as things go on, you stop doing those things, you stop asking how she's doing, you stop initiating time for connection. And that can sort of all fall by the wayside. So really start to prioritize finding ways that, you know, work for connecting with your specific partner. That might, like, for my wife, as an example, if I rub her shoulders, it's all over. Like, that's it. If I rub her shoulders, she's like in heaven. And so if I want to lead connection and contact in some way, I'll walk over, I'll just rub her shoulders a little bit and I'll say, tell me about your day. And five minutes of that, 10 minutes of that every once in a while, is just like a godsend to her. It's like, this feels so nourishing for me that you would do this. And then we lead in the repair. So when conflict happens, when a disagreement happens, when the two of you are separated, you lead the repair. And that can sound like a couple different things. I'm going to give you some very specific phrases that you can use. Hey, I would like to. I would like to repair from that argument. Are you open to doing that right now? Hey, I'd like to repair from that conflict or hey, I'd like to have a conversation about what happened. Are you open to doing that? Normally, I would encourage you to be very direct about your intention, especially after a conflict. Hey, I would like to apologize for my part in what happened last night. Hey, I'd like to take ownership over my part of what went sideways yesterday in that argument. Are you open to that? And then you might even say, are you open to taking responsibility for your part at some point, right? Depending on how the conflict has gone and responsibility and all those other types of things, the dynamic, blah, blah, blah, blah, but lead in the repair of the relationship. So when conflict happens, when disagreement happens, when you two pull apart, when it feels like there's distance between the two of you, lead the repair of that, name it. Say, hey, you know what? I feel like we've been a little bit more disconnected than normal. Have you felt that way? I'd like to be closer to you. Are you open to that? That type of conversation is leading in repair. Not just when disconnection happens and conflict happens, but when it feels like there's just distance between you and the other person. And that happens in a relationship, right? People are busy, they grow apart. They don't spend as much time together. Acknowledge that, because she has probably felt it. So drop your thoughts in the comments section below. Let me know which part of this really landed for you. Don't forget to man it forward and share this video, this episode and don't forget to subscribe wherever you are watching us on we are on Spotify. We are on YouTube. Don't forget to subscribe till next week. Connor Beaton signing off.