How To Make Up With Her After A Fight

Today we are going to talk about how to make up with your girlfriend, with your wife, how to repair after a fight, after a betrayal, after an argument, after an infidelity. And so these things apply across the board. Now, some of them might, you know, need to happen a few times, depending on the level of the conflict, depending on the level of the betrayal. But these are some things that you can action today. So don't forget to like the video, hit the subscribe button, hit the bell notification so that you can get notified of more of these videos when I launch them on the weekly. Okay, so step number one, the first thing that you need to do is a do and a don't. All right? Do, apologize. Apologize honestly. Apologize sincerely. And what I usually tell men is apologize in a depth in a way that you would want to be apologized to, right? So, like, if you were going to forgive somebody, if you know your girlfriend betrayed you in some way, or if she lied to you, or if you got into a fight and she knew that she was wrong and she was coming back to apologize for you, apologize in that manner in the way that you would want to receive the apology. So make it sincere. Include details of, like, what you genuinely did wrong. And what I would really just sort of preface this with the caveat to all this is there is such a thing as. As apologizing too soon and too late. All right? So there is such a thing as trying to apologize immediately when the two of you are still heated, like when you're still riled up from an argument or, you know, she's still hurt from some betrayal that's taken place. There is such a thing as apologizing too soon. And there's such a thing as waiting too long, right? If you get into a fight and you try and apologize it or an argument and you try to apologize like three weeks later, it's kind of water under the bridge by then, right? Or if you've betrayed her or the relationship in some capacity and you wait like two months to even say, I'm sorry, there's such a thing as taking too long. So do apologize. Apologize honest. Honest and sincerely and apologize. Try to apologize in the way that you would want to be apologized to. And don't act from a place of desperation, of groveling, or from a place of neediness. Now there's a second part. This I want to say. You're not broken. You just made a mistake. All right? So some men, and this might not apply to all men, but some men, when they screw up in the relationship, they have so much shame that comes up, right? So much guilt. And it's like, what the hell's wrong with me? Why would I do that? Why did I say that? Why did I get into that argument with her? Like, ah, like, I'm such a, you know, like, I'm so dumb. I'm so stupid. I'm like, I'm. I'm broken, you know? The reason why this happened was because there's something fundamentally wrong with me. That place, or the. The place of needing her to forgive you is going to cause a ton of havoc. And it's one of the main things that blocks forgiveness in a relationships. It blocks your girlfriend, your wife, from being able to forgive you. Here's why. The more desperate that you are, the more needy you are, the more that you grovel, okay? And a lot of guys do this for a very specific reason, right? A lot of guys do this because they're like, I want to prove there's. This is our rational mind going, right? I want to prove to my woman that I am really sorry for what I did. Well, how do I do that? Well, I show her the depth of the anger that I have towards myself. And so I'm going to be vulnerable. So I'm going to tell her how sad I am and how angry I am at myself and how pissed off I am. I'm gonna really prove to her that I'm upset with myself for what I did, right? Bad me. And so they go about doing that, and what ends up happening is that they become needy. They start to act in a way that says, I need your forgiveness. I'm desperate for your forgiveness, and I'm not going to be okay until you forgive me. Now, the problem with that is, the main problem with that is that it takes the emotional territory of the relationship and puts it solely in your court. So you occupy the emotional territory of the relationship when what is really needed is for her to occupy the emotional territory. It's really about what she's feeling, her sadness, her anger, her grief. Because if you did something wrong, and you know that you did, if you lied, if you lost your temper and said some stuff that you know you shouldn't have said. If you acted in a way that was inappropriate, or you acted in a way where you betrayed the trust in the relationship, or you acted in a way where you attacked her character or whatever it is, it's about her experience, not about yours. So when you get into a place of acting desperate and needing her forgiveness and, and begging for it, and I see men do this all the time. I remember working with a client where he was like, my wife and I got into this huge argument, and I said some shit that.

I really regretted. And he's like. And I literally got down my knees and I just begged for her forgiveness. And she acted disgusted, and I didn't understand why. And she was disgusted because he was making it about him. He was making it about his experience, about his shame, about his guilt, about his anger towards himself, rather than saying, what are you feeling? You know, I did this, I said this, I screwed up. How did it make you feel? So this brings me into my second point, which is make it about her experience. What is she thinking? What is she feeling? And you can ask some very specific questions. So I'm going to try and be tactical with this. Okay? What did my behavior, my decision, cause you to question? So if you cheated, if you were. If you lied about something, if you got into a fight and you said some things that were not so good, ask her. When I said those things, what did it make you question? About you, about me, about the relationship. What did it make you question? Second question is, how did that make you feel when I said those things? How did you actually feel? And how have you felt, since that's the important data and information? Third question is, is there anything else that you want me to know, understand, or think that I am not getting? Is there anything else that you want me to know, understand, or think that I'm not getting? And that gives a woman a chance to really say, well, I want you to understand that when you said those things, it really deeply hurt. Or when you said those things, it made me wonder, like, why are you with me? Or when you said those things. And so when she starts to reveal those parts, really, really big, important piece. Okay? Really, really big important piece. When she says, when you said those things, it made me question why you're with me. Don't move immediately into trying to prove her wrong. Right? Don't move immediately into, but I do love you and I do want to be with you. And, like, don't think that and don't feel that way. Just validate her sentiment. Say, you know what? You're right. That sounds terrible. You know, that sounds really hard. I would probably question the same thing. You know, is there anything else you want me to know? The next phase is to move back into a space of physical contact. Okay? See if you can hold her. Be playful. Depending on the severity of the argument, the fight, depending on what's happened, if it's a Betrayal. She might not want physical contact. Okay? So the last thing that I'm going to say is understand that some women, not all women, but understand that some women are going to act like they're unwilling to forgive you. And even when they are. Now, this can be for a number of reasons, okay? One, she might be intentionally or unintentionally trying to punish you in some way because she's hurt. She doesn't know how to communicate it. Maybe you're not doing a good job of eliciting that part, and so she's punishing you to show that she's hurt. Okay? It's not an excuse for her behavior. It's just. That's what's happening. Second, she's afraid that if she forgives you too quickly that you're going to do it again, that you might not learn the lesson. And so there might be a prolonging. And again, these are questions that you can ask. You know, are you, like, we got in this fight a couple weeks ago, it doesn't seem like you've forgiven me. Are you. Are you not forgiving me because you're worried that I'm going to do it again if you forgive me? Like, these are things that you can ask her and she might say, like, yeah, actually, that's true. I haven't forgiven you because I'm worried they're going to do this again. And then you can have a conversation about that. She might be unwilling to move into forgiveness because she might be testing you. She might be testing you to see, can you love me when I'm being challenging? Can you accept me when I'm hurt? Can you stay in a confident, grounded place as a man, as my partner, as my boyfriend, as my husband when you've done something wrong and I'm in pain? Now, women will often do this because they're looking to see, is it safe for me to feel, Is it safe for me to communicate? Is it safe for me to be upset in the relationship and have you be okay? Because what happens in a lot of relationships is that a woman gets upset and the man becomes not okay. He loses his temper, he becomes moody, he becomes ungrounded in some capacity, becomes passive aggressive. And. And so there can be this testing out to see, can you handle a little bit of my emotionality and can you still stay with me? Can you still love me and pull me in and be playful and give me physical attention and give me room and space to feel what I'm feeling without judgment? Okay, so there's many other reasons why this can happen. And I'm just covering a few of them. If you want, comment below and let me know why else from your experience, why you've seen that happen. But the last piece is allowing her experience to come out. So this is the very important piece, directly eliciting her feelings and her emotions. Hey, when I said that, what was your experience? Hey, when I did that, what did you feel? So allowing her to communicate her emotions and what it made her doubt and what it made her question is really the last part. And, and then finally the sort of cherry on top of all this is will you forgive me? And if it has gone on for too long, potentially asking the question, what do you need? What needs to happen? What do you need me to understand, to hear in order for you to fully forgive me? And this can be a beautiful question because she might not have thought of it, right? She might just be sitting in this space of I'm still hurt, I'm still upset, and I don't even know what I want or need from you in order to forgive you. So this question of what do you need me to know? Understand, what do you need me to see or is there anything that you want me to do in order for you to forgive me? Now, she might have a very unreasonable request and you have every right to say no, but she also might just be like, you know what, I just need you to apologize again and say these specific words. Words. Sometimes a woman is just looking for a man to hear very say very specific words in his apology to acknowledge something about her experience, something about her pain and what she felt. So thank you so much for tuning in. Comment below with what stood out to you about this video, what you're going to use and execute if there's things that you feel like I missed that are important or things that you didn't like and you disagree with. Comments, Comment below. Don't forget to subscribe. Don't forget to like the video. And until next week, this is Connor Beaton signing off.