How To Overcome Sabotage (LIVE COACHING)

All right, my friend, welcome to the ManTalks show. How are you doing today?

I'm good, man. It's great to be here.

Likewise. Good to have you here. Tell me a little bit about what brings you here. What are you looking to address, to confront, to deal with, to make sense of?

Yeah, I'm here to address, I think, a pretty kind of deep background of self-doubt and self-worth. And, uh, not enoughness as I enter kind of a phase of life where I've got a new baby, I moved to a new town, I'm starting a new business that I'm investing a bunch of money in, and kind of have a— I guess to me what feels like maybe a track record of, of screwing stuff up. Um, so kind of looking to, um, to kind of put some pieces together and, and kind of just address the, the self-worth, the self-confidence piece. Um, I guess with a bit of added context that I kind of just realizing that I very likely have ADHD, which having dug into it a little bit, I'm sort of struggling with not seeing it as like a total curse.

Uh-huh. Okay. Say, say a little bit more about the ADHD part and why you like— what specifically do you feel is relevant around the ADHD? Did you, did you go to get a diagnosis or is this like a self-research thing?

Okay.

It's a self-research thing. I read Gabor Maté's book. I've kind of been looking into some other, some resources, getting into some Reddit forums. So yeah, it's totally self-diagnosis, but it's like for several years now I've kind of had some suspicion like there's maybe some neuro non-typicality going on in me. But I think the biggest piece isn't so much the focus thing, but it's the relationship with dopamine. I've kind of been addicted to just about everything other than, fortunately, you know, kind of hard drugs. But, uh, and having been deep in self-help kind of work for years now, have just sort of felt like it's turned into a game of whack-a-mole where I get one under control and then I— the other ones get louder, and then it's this, that, and the other. And then I got 4 of them under control, and then I relapse on all— yeah. And so, uh, having come to find that it may just kind of have to do with something, something in the brain, in my relationship with dopamine. Um, it's kind of just maybe made me feel a little bit defeated around like, am I just going to forever struggle with this game of whack-a-mole? Is there ever going to be, you know, another— the other side of this, this what feels like constant daily work to just not reach for that quick, easy hit of dopamine?

Got it. Okay. And From a symptomology standpoint, do you— would you say that you have a lot of trouble focusing, or is it more around the emotional regulation side of things?

It's more around the emotional regulation side of things. And I think when it's come to focus, it's more of the macro than the micro, where it's not— I think I've kind of found the day-to-day hacks where I know how to just get myself to pay attention to what's in front of me, you know, for the day. But I have noticed maybe this kind bigger picture pattern in life where I get really obsessed with something for a little while, um, and then just like drop it, you know. Um, yes, it's happened with hobbies, it's happened with career. I, I had a job that I liked pretty well for about 2 years and just felt myself like falling, you know. I just could feel like, I know this is happening, I can't, I can't get myself to stick with this even though I want to. So Things like that.

Got it. Okay. Yeah. I mean, I understand the obsession side of things. I like, I joke around that I have dabbled in almost every addiction, but not specifically in one. Not just like doubling down on one, but sort of dabbling in all of them. Yeah. And I understand the really focusing in on one thing and then dropping it. Last year, I got hooked on this book series and ended up plowing through this 31-book fantasy series and couldn't stop reading it. And I don't know if you know much about my story, but I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was, I think, in grade 2 or 3. Okay. And I like to joke that I was one of the first guinea pigs on Ritalin. And, you know, it's like the only kid in my school taking this drug. And I remember being like, what? Like, how come nobody else is taking this thing? And, you know, and then other kids being like, can I have some of that? And the teachers having to very clearly, you know, set parameters and boundaries with me not sharing my, my meds. Yeah. Um, but I, you know, I haven't been on any type of medication since junior high. And I really have learned to traverse that. And there are some things that are helpful. And so I'm saying all that, one, to relate, but two, just to say it's not a death sentence and it's not a curse. And I've been very successful within business, within finance, but also specifically within my relationships. Yeah. The hardest part has been, admittedly, and this is why it's become such a core piece of my teaching, is the emotional regulation side of things because I didn't realize for how long and how strong that was at the sort of epicenter of so much of my all over the placeness, if you could call it that, because my emotions were just like big and volatile and it would be you know, that intensity would come up and then I would need some dopamine and that, you know, that's where porn came in for me and weed and booze and women and sexing and, you know, infidelity, all those types of things. So, there is a way through. I haven't taken any medication as an adult and I like to think I've done fairly well. That can be something that you explore at some point. But, you know, at the, at the core of it, it really is that, you know, there's a, there's an intensity emotionally that exists inside of you that is just, can be overpowering sometimes, is what I'm guessing. It sounds like that's what you're saying.

Exactly. Yeah.

Yeah. How much of what you are describing has been elevated or has been altered as you've had children?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I would— yeah, I would say a lot of it. Yeah. Anger and sadness, I would say, are two that just— I feel like the complete mercy to anger. I've, you know, fortunately done some work to reel in a little bit. I've seen the way that, you know, with kids, it becomes really obvious the way you're, you know, you're hurting other people. So, um, some more success there for sure. Um, but yeah, and in a lot of— I mean, you know, just amplifies everything too, just the experience of having kids and just kind of the self-awareness. The ways that maybe I would kind of numb out and be able to hide from the feelings just aren't as available to me anymore as I kind of prioritize presence. And just, you know, a lot more is sort of required for me to get through the day. I can't just wake up hungover when it's 5:30 in the morning and kids are dragging me out of bed.

Well, say what that's been like for you. Make it a little bit more personal.

I guess, yeah, for me, it's compounded to this what feels like kind of a growing load of what life is demanding of me. Not only now do I have to be more present and take care of more people and kind of deprioritize myself, but I now also have this awareness of this dysfunctionality, for lack of a better word, around kind of my emotions that now it's okay, now this is a whole nother project that I need to address, that I need to dig deep on, that I need to do the work on, that I need to, you know, stop being able to press the easy button on. So yeah, I guess it feels overwhelming in a sense. I, I feel pretty closed off to medication as well. So, you know, I'm just, it feels like another thing to just white-knuckle through and find some extra time to work on.

Okay, tell me about why that's the strategy— white-knuckle through, really dig into, figure out. And maybe I'll alter my question. Tell me why that's the strategy based on your upbringing. Why did your upbringing condition you to learn, have to learn how to white-knuckle through things?

Hmm, yeah, probably, probably because I'm emotional. Talking about emotions wasn't really that big of a thing kind of in the family growing up, you know, good loving parents for sure, but pretty surface-level shallow kind of emotional intelligence, I guess I would say so. I suppose, yeah, from a pretty young age, there was like, I need to figure out how to do this myself, even though, you know, in those years, it wasn't necessarily maybe around emotional intelligence. But yeah, I think I kind of stopped looking for guidance from my parents at a pretty early age.

If you're like so many men right now, you're probably struggling with some form of self-worth. And you might not even know where it came from or how it started. The reality is, is that if you're a guy that's harsh with yourself, you're beating yourself up, super critical, super judgmental, or you just feel deeply insecure and you're not able to figure out how to get out of the spiral, I want you to know that there is a way out. I've been working with men for over a decade, and I have helped so many men develop a deep foundation of self-trust, self-respect, and ultimately self-worth., and I've packaged it up into a free guide for you. So if you are interested in doing some of that work, having practical tools and direction to build self-worth again within yourself, then go to mantalksinfo.com/pod. Again, it's mantalksinfo.com/pod to pick up your free guide. There's practical tools in there, questions and prompts for you to answer, and actions that you can take. Enjoy. Say what that's been like as you become a father.

I mean, resent— I struggle with resentment. It's hard to kind of not feel resentful sometimes, though.

Okay. Yeah. What about in terms of how equipped you feel with being able to support your kids emotionally?

Yeah, just like set back. Like, why did I just start figuring out how to learn how to do this in my mid-30s? You know, sure would be nice to have an extra 10 years of experience under my belt, if not an extra 30.

Say what? Say, just take a breath for me. Take a breath for me. A lot of energy and a lot of charge in what you're saying right now. It's like really present. And just tune into the energy right at the base of your throat and behind the eyes and just say, tell me what's happening.

Yeah, like a lot of, a lot of tightness behind the eyes, a lot of tightness in the throat, a lot of constricting, a lot of, a lot of withholding.

Okay, what are you withholding?

I guess what comes to mind first is like, is sensitivity. I feel like I, I feel like I'm a hypersensitive person. And while I feel pretty comfortable owning emotionality, I feel pretty comfortable crying in front of other people, um, it still feels like I'm too much. Mm-hmm. So I need to just reel it way back.

Yeah.

Okay. Well, let that affect you in some way. It sounds like you feel like you've been too much for a long time. Yeah. And it sounds like that was kind of the chronic state that you felt growing up in your family system.

Yeah.

Totally. So just stay with that. Breathe into it. Let it be there and let it be here with you and with me.

Say what's happening.

I feel— I mean, I can feel a lot of softening coming up just even in that kind of invitation. From you.

So, um, what was it like to feel like you were too much as a kid?

I mean, what comes up first is like, I don't remember. I feel like I have very few memories from like even pre, like, 10 or 12. Um, Yeah, I mean, I guess though, there was some sense of guilt and shame for being a lot, for having really high-running emotions.

Got it.

Okay, take a breath for me and close your eyes if you're okay with it. And just see if you can connect with that younger self being in the house with your parents and just imagine being in a smaller body with this much intensity and energy. Yeah, say what happens as you do that. I just feel—

I guess I feel a lot of sympathy for a little kid having to have all that in them and not really have anywhere to turn.

Yeah, well, it sounds like you needed help.

Yeah.

Yeah, it sounds like you really needed help, brother.

Yeah.

Just keep letting that affect you because that's pretty big. Because what I really hear is a man who was once a boy who really needed some help and just wasn't met with that level of support. And even now on this call, what I hear you saying is like, man, I could use some help.

Yeah.

And it makes sense what you're saying around, I've dealt myself a lot, I have self-worth issues. That makes sense. Not enoughness. I don't feel like I'm enough because nobody taught me how to deal with all this energy that I have inside of me. Yeah. And I'm really struggling to navigate it.

Yeah, yeah, that hits. Yeah. And there's like another side of it too that feels this sense of sad, like that it's such a squandering, right? That all this energy, you know, could be, should be, ought to be channeled into into building something, into greatness. It just, you know, instead just kind of festers in me in this sort of, you know, negative way.

What a beautiful trap, right? What a beautiful trap it is, eh? All this fucking energy inside of us is just nuclear in nature, and, you know, we maybe are struggling to have the wherewithal to know how to propel it out in the world. So, yeah, so two things. So first, I really want you to just let yourself feel into somebody gets it. Yeah, I really want you to just feel that because I know what it's like to walk through the world for so long with like, nobody gets how it actually just feels to be me. No one gets that.

Yeah.

That's lonely. Yes, it is. So just see if you can let that in a little bit. I get it. I really get it. I've lived it. Great breath. Take another breath just like that and just tell me what's happening inside of you so I'm with you.

Oh yeah, that helped, I think. That I felt a lot of kind of tension moving out from a lot deeper in my body than I think I realized I was holding it.

Great.

Yeah, it helps. It helps a lot just to hear you say, I get it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes we— sometimes in a therapeutic context coaching context, what we really need is actually for somebody to genuinely get what it is that we're going through in a way that we don't have to question. That's the big thing. A lot of times as men, we question, it's like, does he really? Did they really? You know, but to just feel gotten, like, ah, somebody— Yeah.

Yeah, and that's— I mean, yeah, honestly, I do have some good friends that can listen to it, and there's a piece of me that's just kind of like, maybe I'm just being a hater, but it feels like lip service, you know.

I'm just—

you're just saying the things a good friend should say when someone's venting, you know, and I don't actually feel like they get it. And it doesn't quite— it's, you know, it's helpful, but it doesn't really have the same effect.

Yeah, that's okay. It's okay. All right, so take another breath for me and close the eyes one more time. And I'm just going to make a statement, and you do your best to just receive it and again let it do something to you. Okay?

Yeah.

And it's just a simple statement. I can see that you need help. I know how to help you, and I'd like to help you, and I'm here to help you if you want. And who you are and what you're feeling is not too much for me at all. Take another breath. Keep breathing. And just keep letting that work you in some way.

Yeah, one more breath like that.

And say what's happening inside of you.

Just caused a lot of just kind of trembling, like sadness. It almost— even though it's, you know, it feels very reassuring to hear you say that, it feels, I guess, scary and sad somehow too. And there's just a lot of, yeah, just kind of pretty deep trembling emotionality kind of just moved through me after hearing you say that. So it's a little surprising to me.

Okay. Well, keep letting that happen. If that— if the trembling happens, that's totally normal and it's totally okay. And just let it happen.

Yeah.

But just maybe speak to what was sad about it.

Why does it have to feel so hard, so rare, so unusual just to be able to get that from somebody else? Why can't I have that all the time? Why can't I feel like I'm not too much, like someone sees me, like someone gets me? Why do I feel so isolated?

Okay, are you open to just doing one thing with that?

Yeah.

Okay, so close the eyes again and make connection with your parents in some way. Were both your parents around when you were growing up, both mom and dad?

Yeah.

Yeah. So just make contact with them. Maybe you see them visually or you feel their presence in some way.

Mm-hmm.

And I'm going to give you a statement, but you alter it in any way that feels necessary for you. Okay? It needs to be yours.

Okay.

I needed you to As we're going to say to them, you guys make connection with them, and when you're ready, go ahead.

I really needed you to see me. To feel curious about what was going on inside me and to figure out how to be okay hearing it. To know what to do with it. To listen. To even want to know.

Good. Take another breath now and keep going. Tell them what you needed them to understand or see about you.

I just I just needed them to see and understand that I am a lot, that I have big feelings and emotions and opinions. And it stems out of like, I think it's like an innate curiosity that I think is super beautiful. And to just not have that met at all just felt like abandonment.

Yeah, when you, when you couldn't help me, I felt abandoned.

Yeah, when you couldn't help me, I felt abandoned.

It sounds like you felt like that a lot.

Yeah.

So again, this isn't to blame them. It's not to shame them or make them wrong. It's just that's what you experienced. There's something that got missed.

Yeah.

So close the eyes again. Stay with it for a second. Is this hard to stay with?

Yeah, a little bit.

Okay, say what's tough about it.

Mm-hmm. This, yeah, this maybe does feel like an ADD moment. My— just the subject matter, but my mind goes to so many places, to asking different questions, to framing different things, to trying to come up with answers. It's hard. It is hard to just sit with a feeling.

Yeah, that's okay. You probably do have a lot of questions about it. Yeah, you probably do have a lot of questions and a lot of things you want to say to them. And my guess is that those things kind of come flooding in.

Yeah.

Because we're giving a truth about what you experienced some light and some voice.

Yeah.

And there's a lot attached to that. We're talking to the trunk of the tree, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't bring the branches into focus. Right. Right?

Right.

So just take a deep breath in, let it all be there. And in your own way, whether it's internally or out loud, just make a statement to yourself of everything I'm thinking and feeling right now is okay.

Yeah, it is okay.

It's a lot and it's okay.

It's really a lot, but yeah, I do.

I trust it's okay.

Yeah.

And I'm okay when I feel a lot. That one's tougher. Hey, gotcha. Like, well, I don't know about that exactly.

Even more questions flooding.

That is why I'm here, Connor. I don't feel like I'm okay when there's a lot. Yeah, so just notice. Come, come back in, brother. Come back in. Come back and hit me. Okay, just be here with me for a second. Take a breath, move your body in any way that you need to just shake some of that out. You're doing really, really great already. Really, really great. So, I'm going to just kind of lay out what I see and hear because I think this context and this framework will be supportive. Okay?

Great.

Great. And I want to make it very clear what I said before is true. None of this is to blame or shame your parents. My guess, it sounds like they did a pretty good job. Sounds like you have a relationship with them. Is that true?

Yeah, they're great. And I think I've done enough kind of in this realm to be able to separate the resentment from the relationship.

Yeah. Here's the thing. I've seen this in myself. I've seen this in a lot of men that I've worked with that have some type of neurodivergence, whether it's, you know, especially with ADHD, is that if you grew up in a house where your parents didn't know how to handle your energetic intensity and you were wronged for it, how you will have internalized that as a child whether your parents said it directly or not, is there's something wrong with me. Yeah. And I have to figure out what that is. And when you have that type of mental acuity and agility, you can spend a disproportionate amount of time going through and cycling through a lot of the different areas in which you think you might be faulty. Yes. Right? Yes. And so, it makes sense that, you know, at the beginning of this conversation, I asked, "Why are you here?" And you made some statements about lots of self-doubt and lots of struggling with self-worth and enoughness. And I think we're really getting to the heart and soul of that. Which is, if I could sort of summarize it, it's I needed my mom and dad to be okay with the fact that I was a lot, and I need myself as an adult to now learn how to be okay when I'm a lot, when I feel a lot. Because right now, part of what's happening inside of you, brother, is every single time this— your energy starts to get real big, your emotions start to get real big, your thoughts start to really go, I can see what happens inside of you. Oh shit, there's something wrong. This isn't okay. I need to fix this. And so you start to create this negative relating with your own energetic nature. Yeah. Okay. I'm gonna get you to really hone in on that one thing that I'm saying. There's a negative relating to your own energetic nature, not because there's actually anything wrong or faulty with you. You can identify that some of this is like beautiful and wonderful and has the capacity to really be exceptional. Yeah. But it's that how you are interacted with from a very young age when this big energy would start to come up and out was through a negative relating. And so there's a part of you still carrying on that inherited negative relating.

Yeah.

To that big energy. Mm-hmm. Okay, so I'm going to pause there. I'm going to say more, but I want to see how all that's landing thus far. What does that do inside of you? Can you make space for it? Do you feel like you're resisting it? Does it make sense cognitively?

Yeah, I mean, the way it's landing, it makes sense cognitively. Yeah, I mean, definitely in my— in the day-to-day right now, the way I'm relating to myself Makes total sense. I think there's maybe some— what I'm noticing myself doing is, is trying to relate this back to earlier childhood, which I, I have a harder time with. And I don't know whether it's relevant or not, or if it's lack of memory, but kind of in my, in my view, memory perception of things, I was like a pretty easygoing, sweet-natured little kid. And then around like teenage years, it was like, bam, I was angry. I was a lot. The floodgates opened and my parents had no idea what the fuck to do with that and just like basically backed off. And, you know, here I am 20 years later.

Yeah. Okay. Well, I'm going to make a little bit of a guess. Okay. Because boys go through— boys will go through a kind of pre-puberty from, from 3 to 5 where testosterone has a mini spike.

Yeah.

And that's a pretty important developmental stage for kids, period. And my guess is that as you went through that first little spike of aggression and individuality and creating agency and creating independence and separating from them, starting to say no. My guess is even though you don't have memories of those things, you were met with a certain quality of— we'll call it pushback.

Yeah.

Uh, or hostility or aggression or assertiveness that was counter to what you needed.

That's probably true. That would also be right around the time my brother was born, so, you know, there's probably I could see now how that would kind of play into things a little bit too. Yeah. Lack of capacity or space or availability or who knows, but sure. Yeah. I'll take your word on that one.

Yeah. What I've seen happen a lot is there's a— in that stage from like 2, 2.5 to 5, a young boy will start to really push back and be a little bit defiant and maybe he'll take some more risks and be a little bit more aggressive, especially if there's another you know, another sibling that comes into the picture. I mean, I've seen my son do this all the time. He just grabs my daughter's hands relentlessly. I mean, like relentless. Been almost 2 years and it's just nonstop, you know. And so, but how that gets handled with that child can really inform then how he goes through puberty later on.

Yeah.

Because if he's forced to comply, if he's forced to behave, is he— if he's forced into a kind of submission, then what can happen later on when he goes through puberty is just, just like explosion, like, fuck you, you're not going to contain me. Nothing, like, nothing's going to contain me. I will not be contained. And again, if you— if your parents don't know how to handle that, it's like, holy shit, okay, we're going to take a step back. It really sounds like part of what's happened for you is that you've stayed in— a part of you has stayed in that I don't feel contained place. Yeah. And now I don't know how to really contain myself.

Yeah. Yeah, that hits.

Okay. How old— you have a son?

I have a 4-year-old daughter and a 2-month-old son.

Aha. Okay. Okay. Great. Great, great, great. Anything— I mean, I know he's only 2 months old, but how has that been so far?

Um, it's— I mean, it's— infants are tough. It's tough. It's, it's, it's tough. But, um, it, it's been good. I don't know how to answer that question, honestly. Um, it's obviously a— the whole family's needing to expand, so we're all tested a little bit.

Um, the sleep deprivation is a real initiation. You know, it's a really good question. Okay, right. Um, coming back to what we were talking about with self-doubt, self-worth, a sense of enoughness, what are you hearing me say and what are you taking from what I'm saying around the connection between that and the negative relating to your actual nature?

What I'm taking is— yeah, I think the— what I'm taking is the, the piece you were hitting on earlier, that it's the, the way I'm relating to myself is that I'm too much and it's not okay. Specifically, I think— I mean, I suppose for myself, but for other people, I find myself Even though I don't care what other people think of me, quote unquote, I've noticed recently, shed a lot of light on how much time I think about thinking about what I think other people are thinking about what I'm doing.

Mm-hmm.

And typically it's, what do I need to correct, shift, change to make that easier, better for them? So I'm not cast in this negative light because innately I'm such a difficult person to be around.

Right.

Yeah, right. Yeah, that's a rough place to be. Yeah, right. There's this kind of chronic loop that can unfold within, within us when we have that, um, type of cognition that is constantly looking for the things that needs to be changed and altered and corrected and yada yada yada. And again, my speculation there is that that is also something that's a little inherited. Yeah. Okay. That that's not uniquely just a byproduct of you magically thinking that way, but that that's a way— excuse me— that that's a way in which you were related to growing up. Yes.

Right. Yeah. Yeah, I think so.

Okay, so take another breath for me. Exhale. And another one. And now— and find a connection inside of you to that big ball of energy. Might be a ball of energy, might be a cloud of energy. Like, just connect to that vitality and that life force.

Oh yeah, it's right there, easy to find.

And in your own way, in your own words, just describe it for me. What's it like so I can connect to it as well?

Man, it's this huge swirling ball of thoughts and ideas and energies and ambition and thoughts and work and projects and manifestation and just— that's just bubbling, bubbling, bubbling and like has been stuck inside of me forever and just the what feels like challenge or inability to release some of it out into what I want to cast into, you know, positivity to making the world a better place. It just feels squished and trapped and squandered. And just the realization that it's literally been all inside of me, this whole— no one knows anything hardly about it, just almost makes me feel like insane.

Hmm. I understand. It sounds like volcanic.

Yes.

Is that a good descriptor?

Yes.

Right. So let it really stay connected to it for a moment and just let that part of you have a voice. What does it want to say to you?

You just got to figure out how to let some of this out.

Yeah, let me out of here, dude.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What do you want to say back to that energy? Just respond to it.

I'm trying and I feel like I can't.

Deep breath out the mouth. Let it respond back.

You have to, and you will, and you, you got the rest of your life to do it. It's— it doesn't have to be today.

Another deep breath in through the nose. And the longest exhale possible out the mouth.

Good.

And just let the breath drop in again. My guess is that that energy inside of you really wants to say something along the lines of I need you to start accepting me as I am. It feels like you don't like me. Do you have a Kleenex, brother? Just for that? Just to help you out? I mean, at the weekends we always have like boxes everywhere and in my office, but we're not in person, so help me out. Thanks, man. So try that on. Yeah, try that on just for, just for one more moment. Let that energy speak to you. I need you to start. I need you to learn how to accept me.

Hmm.

I hadn't even thought of that. I guess I just always thought if it was something that needed to come out.

Well, it might need to come out too, but it's gonna be hard for it to come out if it's something that you see is harmful. Say what's happening inside.

What's— I mean, I think that, that, that frame is really helping. Um, it's maybe like find myself maybe now looking at it as like another wall that I'm coming up against where Like, I don't have a hard time seeing it as, as all a bad thing, but just the, like, like I've kind of described it, like it feels almost like painful, or this growing, like, tension around that ball in there that feels like it wants to come out, that needs to come out, that I can't find, and, you know, the appropriate outlet to release some of the steam, you know, whatever you I was like, well, what do I do? What do I do with it? What am I— it's— that's kind of how it's felt, is this, this burden, this big crazy chaotic energetic ball. So yeah, I can for sure see the potency in like, you know, finding some grace and acceptance around it.

Um, I'm gonna give you an exercise to make this specific, tactical, and practical. Great. I would encourage you, and this is something that I did myself, so I'm not just giving you something completely random. What I found to be helpful— well, I'll just give you the exercise. The exercise is— there's my ADHD. I'll give you the exercise. Okay. So, a couple times a week, 2 or 3 times a week, in your calendar, block off 30 to 60 minutes. And the intention around that 30 to 60 minutes is to have that be a time for energetic expression from this place. It can be as wild, it can be as random, it doesn't really matter, right? If that energy is like, "I want to go punch a punching bag for 30 minutes until I'm absolutely freaking exhausted," go do that. It's like, I want to go for a run, go do that. If it wants to go for a walk and listen to a book or a podcast, go do that. If it wants to sit down and write poetry, go do that. If it wants to sit down and just stream of consciousness journal out a whole bunch of shit that's in your head, go do that. But what I want you to start to practice is that you have a practice for this energy to just come out and it not matter what it looks like. Or sounds like or whether it's fucking productive or not.

Yeah.

That you actually just have a practice time of expression for this part because right now, there's not a lot of relating between you and your sort of, you know, big energy inside of you, that volcano. Yeah. And, there's another piece of work here that we're not going to get into. I'm going to allude to it. Which is— my guess is that, that your younger self is, is that volcano, or is in that volcano. He's really in there. Okay. And so the negative relating to that energy is a negative relating to your inner child.

Okay.

Yeah. And so part of this fathering of yourself, because you're stepping in this role as a father— you've been there for 4 years already, so You know, you're not new anymore.

Still feels like it.

Yeah, I get it. I get it. I'm 5 years deep and I'm like, wow, I'm really learning a lot about how to do this, you know? But starting to father yourself is starting to learn how to get some of that energy out, learn how to express it and let it just— whatever it wants to do, let it just be okay. And to start to relate to that energy in a way where it's not too much. That story needs to end. And how we end that story is by starting to have specific practices and times where we can have that energy not be too much and it just come out in a way that is non-threatening to the rest of our life. Right?

Right.

The other thing that I would really encourage you to do is start a stream-of-consciousness journaling practice. Have you ever done this before?

Not really.

I found this to be very, very helpful. So, I would do— for a long time, I did like, you know, 20 to 40 minutes every single day of just stream-of-consciousness journaling. And it was a great way to get some of that energy out, some of the thought process out, because it's not structured journaling. It's not like I'm answering this question. It's more just like, what's on my heart? What's on my mind? What is my— where's my energy at today? And just letting that rip.

Okay.

Yeah. And pen and paper.

Yeah.

So I would recommend just start even with 10 minutes. Just 10 minutes of like, "Here's what I'm thinking today, feeling today. Here's what's going on in my mind, in my heart. Here's where my energy's at." Because your self-worth and your self-doubt is really tied up in how you relate to this energy, because this energy is just a natural state of who you are. Yeah. And my guess is that as you have a more positive relating with your natural energetic state and it's not seen as the problem, your inner self, your younger boy, is not going to feel like the problem anymore.

Mm-hmm.

And a lot is going to start to shift.

Hmm.

Okay. Thoughts, comments, questions on the work that we've done, anything that I've laid out?

Yeah, I thought, I mean, it, it feels spot on. I feel like you really did help get to the core of it. Um, I think maybe question just to the kind of last piece you said about things shifting. I'm wondering if you suspect, or maybe in your experience, does this shifting also affect the the dopamine whack-a-mole thing I was kind of talking about in the beginning? Because that's kind of the other— okay, that's the other piece that's, you know, when—

this is a really great question. Thank you so much for asking that. When we are in opposition with our natural energetic state, we then seek out substances and behaviors to get some type of dopamine hit because what's happening inside of us is there's a lot of negative emotionality. And, how we perceive ourselves is in a negative light. And so, then we need these little dopamine hits to feel better about how we feel, right? And, it becomes this reinforcing cycle. And, for me, one of the big pieces was to have a positive healthy relationship with my natural energetic state. I have a lot of energy. I have a lot of life force. I have a lot of vitality. I have a lot of sexual life force, a lot of sexual energy. And, for a long time, how I related to that was, "Oh, this is a fucking problem. I need to do something about it. I have to really figure out what to do." And, I spent the first however many years doing exactly that, trying to figure out how do I mitigate, how do I dictate, how do I deal with, how do I compress this energy because It caused havoc in my life. It caused chaos in my life. It's a problem. And any solution that I deployed on it was short-lived until I started to shift my relationship with, "Actually, this isn't a problem. The way I feel isn't a problem. The amount of energy I have isn't a problem. I just— no one taught me how to deal with it." Right?

Nobody.

Because nobody really knew how to deal with it. So, as I started to have a healthy positive relationship with that vitality and that life force in me, I didn't need that external validation and hit of feel-good because I just actually kind of felt good about how— who I am in my natural state. Makes sense?

That makes total sense. That sounds way better than taking cold showers twice a day for the rest of my life.

I mean, I still work out a bunch. I still go in the sauna. I still do foot showers and breathwork and meditation. I still do all those things. But, they're not there to try and control my natural energetic state because it's a problem. They're there because I just genuinely enjoy doing that shit and they're good outlets for that energetic expression that I like. Yeah.

No, I'm with you there too. I mean, I love that stuff too. But yeah, I kind of had this dismayed like, "Okay. So yeah, I just have to—" I'm just like tethered to these other like tools that I'll just, you know, have to do to kind of offset this like lifelong journey with just reaching for that dopamine all the time. So.

Right, right.

Yeah. No, that's, that's great. I love how you just kind of married all that together. Awesome.

Thank you so much for joining me. If you do have questions, feel free to follow up, as I said before. And if you ever want to come back and explore something, around this topic or adjacent to it, I'm happy to do that as well. Thank you so much for being, you know, just so open and real with me and giving me a chance to support you and help. And I can't wait to hear how this goes. I have a good sense, and it sounds like you are really doing a good job as a dad. And I can't wait for 3 years down the road when I get an email from you and you're like, Oh, my son has hit that space where he's trying to smash things into the wall and I'm aggro inside, you know. So this is all good preparation work for when your son starts to go through, because it's very likely that he will have a similar energetic state, right? And if you can learn to reconcile and be okay with and love and accept this energetic nature of yours, and start to build the tools for being okay with it, you will be way more equipped to help him learn to deal with his. I've— that's my— I say that my son is a walking embodiment of me. I mean, he is a replica energetically, you know, big feeling, big emotions, defiant, you know, independent. And so I've, you know, it's really been great for me to deploy some of the tools that I've learned along the way. So you're doing a great job, man. Cool.

Well, hey, thanks, Connor. Yeah, this has been really helpful, and, uh, just want to thank you for all your work too. I've been following you for a couple years and making a really big difference. So thank you.

Thank you so much. Take care.