How to support your partner with their anxiety

Men. Welcome to the mantalks show. This is training for men and answers for women. I'm Connor Vieton, and today we're going to be talking about how to support your partner best if she's dealing with anxiety. And lately I've had a lot of men reaching out through the Man Talks community on Facebook or through Instagram, saying, my partner has anxiety and I feel like I am not supporting her in the way that she is needing. Please help. And so let's just dive straight in. I think one of the biggest mistakes, and we're going to start with the biggest mistake. One of the biggest mistakes that we make, guys, is that when our partner is dealing with anxiety, it's very common that that anxiety shows up with some of the things that we're doing. Maybe she hasn't told us that she has anxiety, or maybe that anxiety is there, but she's not necessarily labeled when it's showing up or she has told us and we just haven't really caught on to it yet. So one of the biggest mistakes that we make is that when the anxiety shows up, we take it personally. We make it about us. We make it that we have failed. We have failed to protect her in some way or provide some sort of safety for her. And.

That taking it personally generally causes us to feel like we are responsible for their anxiety. And then all sorts of stuff happens. We get defensive, communication starts to break down, and we really stop supporting her in the way that she's needing in those moments. So here's the catch. First and foremost, remind yourself, even if her anxiety is coming up about something that you have done or about, you know, some behavior of yours or some insecurity that might be there. Remind yourself that this anxiety might be, the content might be about me, but the anxiety is not. All right? Those are two very different things. The content might be about me, but the anxiety is not. So with that in mind, I just want to drop a little quote out here by Dan Millman. He says, you don't have to control your thoughts. You just have to make sure that your thoughts aren't controlling you. And this is the key. This is the key for the person that is receiving the anxiety. Right? If you really want to support your partner when her anxiety comes up, you need to be grounded. You need to be calm. You need to stay in the position of not taking things personally, not getting reactive, not going on the attack, not taking the bait of the anxiety. And this is the second piece. Okay? Get to know your. Your partner's brand of anxiety. Okay, your partner's brand of anxiety. Now, what I mean by that is for every woman, it's going to show up a little bit different. Maybe her anxiety shows up as insecurities. Maybe her anxiety shows up as hypercriticism. Maybe her anxiety shows up as withdrawal and retreat. I'm not sure, right? I don't know your partner. I don't know what your relationship is like, but that is up to you. Become a detective and start to understand, okay, what, when that anxiety shows up, what does she normally do? What behavioral traits does she exhibit? Does she start to retreat? Does she go on the attack? Is she, you know, does she become more defensive or reactive? What happens for her? Does her body language change? So start to tune into what her brand of anxiety is. This was super helpful for me in relationships, and it's been helpful for a lot of men. The next thing that you need to know is you need to be able to understand how to reassure yourself, your partner. Okay, how do you validate their anxiety? Because one of the biggest challenges that I see a lot of guys falling into is that we adopt the mentality that our fathers or our mothers gave to us when we felt a little insecure, a little nervous as a kid. So maybe we grew up in an environment where our parents, you know, when our sadness came up or our anger or anxiety came up, this. They just told us to deal with it, right? To just get over it and to suck it up and be a man. And maybe we are reenacting that same way of dealing with our partner, the way that we were dealt with, the way that our emotions were dealt with. So we need to be able to start to reassure our partner. And how you do that is you start to ask your partner very specific questions like, hey, when you feel anxious, when you. What are like the do's and don'ts, like, what is definitely going to make your anxiety worse and how can I best support you in that space? Now, maybe she's not going to have an answer. Maybe she doesn't know how. She needs to be supportive. So you need to start to test out a few things. Okay? The best thing that we can do in those moments when the anxiety comes up is not try to turn into a coach or a motivational speaker or give them, you know, some sort of, like Denzel Washington style speech to help them get through it. That's generally not what they're looking for. Maybe a reminder that this will pass. Maybe a reminder that you are there, that you've got her, that you are supporting her. That you've got her back and whatever she needs in that moment that you'll take care of it. The last thing is, besides staying calm and grounded, is to ask and inquire and get curious about her experience. Really start to use very specific questions like, hey, when you feel anxiety, what does it feel like for you and your body? What do you experience? Like, do you experience it in your chest? Does your, you know, breath start to shorten? Do you feel nauseous? Do you feel like you can't control your thoughts? Do they start to spiral? Really start to seek to understand what her experience is, because it will give you a much greater context for how you can not only stay grounded and centered during that time, but how you can also calm her down. Right? And you can start to label her experience. One of the biggest challenges that people have when they have anxiety is that when anxiety comes up, they start to spiral, and it feels like they are out of control. It can feel like they don't know how to get the anxiety to sort of stop. They feel like it might never end. They might feel trapped by that anxiety. And so they sort of feel stuck in this state that feels like it might not ever have an end date. And so your job, your responsibility in these moments is to start to. Outside of the anxiety, hopefully ask your partner, you know, what does it feel like? What does it sound like in your head? What emotions start to come up? What thoughts do you feel like you can't control? And some of that very specific information will allow you to. To label the anxiety when it comes up. So when you see it showing up with your partner, you can say, hey, are you feeling anxious right now? Are you having those anxious thoughts? Are you, you know, is that little anxiety monster, like, popping up on your shoulder? And when you do that, you. Your partner will feel understood by you. And when she feels understood by you, she doesn't feel alone in her anxiety. Because that is one of the biggest challenges that all people, men and women alike, whatever your sexual orientation is, however you identify or one of the biggest challenges with anxiety is that when it comes up, most people feel like they are alone with that experience, and they feel like they have no lifeline, right? There's no buoy for them to grasp onto. And they're sort of, for some people, feeling like they're drowning in that anxiety and that they can't escape it. And so sometimes when we just label that anxiety and we say, hey, you know what? I see that you're having anxiety right now. I got you. It's okay. You know, come over here. Sometimes physical touch, physical attention can be very helpful. Just reminding them that that you're there can be an incredible, incredible benefit. So thank you so much for tuning in. If you found this to be helpful, definitely share it with somebody that, you know struggles with anxiety. If you struggle with anxiety and you're watching this, share this with your partner goes a long way. Maybe add in a few things that you feel might be helpful. And I think collectively, just to remind ourselves that it's in these moments that we can face anxiety. Right? We face anxiety by turning towards it rather than trying to run away. The more that we run away from anxiety, the more that we try and hide from the anxiety, the more power, the more control that that anxiety has. And so collectively, we can start to turn towards it as a partnership, we can start to turn towards it as a couple. We can start to turn towards and face anxiety wherever that's showing up in our relationship individually and in our life. So thank you so much for tuning in today. This is Connor Beaton signing off. Join me next week.