Connor Beaton argues that childhood experiences (bullying, trauma, abuse) strongly shape a man’s adult confidence, but also that lack of taught structures for developing competence causes low confidence. He advises reframing areas of low confidence as gaps in competence and actively developing proficiency (communication, conflict resolution, social skills, finances, sexual initiation) to increase confidence.
Strange thing about your confidence as a man is that your childhood will undeniably have an inordinate amount of influence over how confident you feel as an adult. You know, if you were bullied, if you went through traumatic experiences, if you were abused, that's going to obviously influence how you feel about yourself and how confident you feel. But the other thing that we often miss out on is, is whether or not you were taught to have some structure and to focus in on competence development. You see, for us as men, we need to develop proficiency and competency in certain areas that are actually meaningful to us. So if you want to be a good communicator, if you want to be a good conflict resolver, if you want to be somebody that is social, if you want to be somebody that's good with money or finances, whatever it is you to want, you actually have to develop some proficiency and some competency in that area. And for a lot of young boys that become men who lack confidence, a huge part of it is that they were never taught, you were never taught to develop competency in a certain area. And so I'd like for you to take this frame wherever you feel like you're lacking in confidence, reframe that. As I'm lacking in competence. What specifically do you do you need to do to develop a deeper sense of proficiency in that area? As you become more proficient, you will feel more confident, whether it's approaching women and asking for their phone number, whether it's initiating sex in your relationship, whether it's going through conflict in your relationship, whatever it is, developing a deeper sense of proficiency and competency is going to lead to a much greater sense of confidence.
How to Raise Strong, Unshakable Boys in Today's Culture, with Dr. Shefali Tsabary
