Is Your High Sex Drive A Problem?

All right, team, welcome back to the Man Talk Show. Today we're going to be talking about everything you need to know about having a high sex drive. Is it a problem and an issue? I'm just going to say out the gates. Like, not really, but there are sometimes what causes a very high sex drive. And how do you start to direct that surplus of sexual energy? And as somebody who has traversed this, I wrote about this in my book in Men's Work. I have a whole chapter on not taming the beast, but directing it. And I wrote about that because for years I felt like I had this inordinate amount of sexual energy. And I felt like I couldn't get enough. I couldn't, you know, find enough women. I couldn't, you know, jerk off enough. Like, it was really pretty wild. And so I had a lot of shame around my sex drive. It felt like something that was out of control. It felt like something that made decisions for me. You know, I'd want to go to bed because I had a presentation the next day for work. And instead, you know, I'm up at 11 o' clock at night texting a woman, trying to get her to come over. Right. And so I think for a lot of guys, one of the things that we as men grapple with, and maybe you've grappled with this, is your sex drive. Is your own sexual potency, and so is your sex drive a problem? Is having a high sex drive a problem? Well, not necessarily, right. A lot of people have high sex drives, men and women, and it's not necessarily an issue. Where it can start to create issues is if you're in a relationship with somebody and there's a pretty big discrepancy, right. That can feel like a big challenge when you're wanting to be sexually connected and engaged with the person that you're dating and they're just not as into it as you, or it's just not as big of a priority, or they just don't have as high of a sex drive. So it's not necessarily, necessarily a problem, but there are some indicators that it might be entering into a place where it can be problematic for you. So if you find yourself breaking your own integrity, if you're in a relationship like this was me in my early 20s, I would be in a relationship with a woman, but I would be sleeping around with countless other women. So if you're breaking your integrity in a relationship, if you're lying, you're in a relationship and you're lying because you're you know, online, and you're paying for only fans, or, you know, you're trying to pick up women on Tinder, all of that kind of stuff is going to be problematic. The next thing is it might be problematic if you aren't able to have a deep level of satisfaction, no matter how much sex or masturbation or porn you might be watching. And I think this is the case for a number of men where there's just this lack of satiation, right? You never really feel satisfied. You constantly need more. So that's another piece of it. Next is you regularly sacrifice important things. This is a sign that I've seen with a lot of guys over the years who have a very high sex drive but feel out of control with it, right? And you might feel this way sometimes, too. You're like, you're sacrificing work, you're sacrificing sleep, you're sacrificing, you know, social events. You're sacrificing, you know, going to work out and all of these important things for sex or to watch porn or to just get off. That's another big sign. And then another one is that you're seeking unsatisfactory and oftentimes very risky sexual exploits. So you might be putting yourself in a position merely to get off, merely to have some heightened level of excitement to try and push that edge. Because this is the case for a lot of guys that have high sex drives that when they start to pursue that, again, it's not a bad thing. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. I'm not demonizing it in any way. It can be a wonderful, glorious thing, and we can start to pursue it to such a degree where we start to put ourselves in some situations that are not good. Whether we're taking risks sexually.

With people that we know we shouldn't be or that we don't want to be, that's causing us to be out of integrity, that's putting us into maybe illegal positions, et cetera. So those are all signs that, you know, your high sex drive may be somewhat problematic. Now, what causes really high sex drives? And there's a number of things. It's not necessarily a chemical thing. You know, you can dive down the research on this. There's not necessarily a correlation between higher levels of testosterone and higher sex drives. It's often that, you know, sometimes you can have a hormonal imbalance within the body that can cause this, just like you can have a hormone hormonal imbalance in the body that will cause you to have a very low sex drive. And so, you know, that's why when people, you know, when guys have very low sex drives or they're having erectile problems or very low energy, it's very common that, you know, it's a sign that you have very low testosterone that's dipped under an appropriate level. But there are some psychological and social issues that can impact and contribute to having a high sex drive. So I'm just going to list them off and then we're going to talk about how do you navigate it. I'm going to spend the bulk bit on that. So a couple of things. Number one is grief. Next is stress, anxiety and depression. Next is unresolved trauma. So we're going to lump all of those together.

Grief, stress, anxiety, depression and unresolved trauma. All of those things will oftentimes create an excess of energy in the body, an access of turmoil within the body that feels like you need to resolve, that feels like you need to get away from or escape from, or you need some type of external substance or experience or behavior to cope with that internal experience. And so for a lot of the men that I've worked with over the years who have a very high sex drive, that has become problematic. Right. They're missing work, they're staying up way too late. You know, they're out of integrity in their relationship, these types of things. Often what's happening is that sex or masturbation or watching porn or chatting with the woman online has become.

A coping mechanism to deal with something that they are experiencing internally. Right? They feel anxious and they don't want to feel that. They feel depressed and they don't want to deal with it. They feel grief from the loss of something and they don't know how to cope with it. And so every time that that emotion comes up or that experience happens internally, the response is to try and use sex or porn or masturbation as a means of not masking what they're experiencing ins, but coping with it and dealing with it. Right? Getting a little bit of like feel good dopamine flushing through their system so that it moves you away from the negative feeling or experience internally. Next is shame surrounding your sexual preferences. Yeah, shame around your. Your sexual preferences, what you desire or body image. And so a lot of times really high sex drive can be because there's shame around who we are, what we desire, and we're utilizing shame to try and cover up.

That shame underneath. Next is a lack of fulfillment within your life or a sense of control over your life. So for some people, having a very high sex drive, again, that becomes problematic based on, again, there's nothing wrong with having a high sex drive. I'm not saying that these things are the causes of all high sex drives. You might have a wonderful relationship to your own sex drive, and it's like something that you really enjoy. And I hope that you are there or that you get there, because it can be wonderful to have a high sex drive and have it be directed in a healthy way in your life. But when it is problematic, when your high sex drive is problematic, sometimes it can be because we feel out of control. In many aspects of your life, you might feel out of control at work. You might feel like you didn't have control growing up in your household, in your family system. You might feel like you don't have any control or any sense of power in your relationship. This is one that I've seen happen a lot where the sort of, like, nice guys, right, that are in a relationship don't feel like they have power or control or they don't feel empowered in the relationship. And so all of their potency goes outside of the relationship to the women that they are being sexual with. Next is a lack of self esteem. That can be a big contributing factor, right? You're trying to use sex as a means of verification that you are good, that you are strong, that you are powerful, that you have meaning, that you have value, et cetera. And lastly is. And this kind of ties into some of the ones before a struggle to properly process your emotions. And so what I've seen, and this, this specifically has to do with porn. But for some guys, it also, you know, spills over into, into sex and infidelity and their relationships is that they'll use things like porn to circumvent what they're feeling internally. So instead of feeling the grief, instead of being in contact with your anger, instead of, you know, being able to process the frustration or the anxiety or the stress or the overwhelm from your job and your family and everything that's going on that gets poured into using sex as a vehicle to release that valve, right? To release the valve of I feel stressed or overwhelmed or whatever it is. And this is where a lot of guys can sometimes go down paths of, you know, watching pornography that is really like brutally aggressive sometimes or watching some dark stuff or, you know, you've probably seen the memes on Reddit or online of like the guy, you know, after the porn session where, you know, you, you have like the Post not clarity. And you look at the porn that you've been watching and you're like, Jesus, like, like what rabbit hole did I just go down? And so that's part of the equation that sometimes if you're using porn or sex or masturbation as a means of avoiding what you feeling emotionally, those emotions will try and get processed in the sex that you're having, in the experiences that you're pursuing, or in the porn that you're watching. So that's a really big one. I might dive into that on another video. Okay, so what do we do? How do we navigate having a high sex drive? Because again, it's not a bad thing. It can be a wonderful, beautiful thing. I think many of us enjoy it. I wrote about this again in my book Men's Work. I wrote a whole chapter about directing the beast, not trying to tame it, because I had spent years ashamed of my sex drive and feeling out of control with it. And there's a few simple things that we can do to really have a healthy, balanced relationship with our sex drive. Number one, first and foremost, is do your best to date people that have a similar sex drive as you. Do your best to do that. It's not always going to happen. It's not always going to be perfect. It's not meant to be perfect. You're not meant to be with somebody that has these exact same, you know, sex drive as you. And that's not the only indicator for a really healthy, meaningful relationship. But you can avoid certain challenges and problems when you are dating somebody. And I've seen this happen with many guys where they know they have a high sex drive and then they end up dating somebody and getting into a long term relationship with somebody that has a very low sex drive, right? So he wants to have sex three, four, five times a week and his partner wants to have sex once every two weeks. And that's fine. And that creates all kinds of challenges. So number one is try and date people that have a similar level of sex drive as you. Number two is prioritize routines and habits that will calm and regulate your nervous system. So again, a lot of men that I've worked with over the years and myself included in the past was using sex porn, masturbation, et cetera. That high sex drive was there because it was a way to calm the nervous system. It was a way to de stress, not feel overwhelmed, not feel anxious, not feel depressed, not feel the like anger and frustration. And of not feeling like I, you know, I had control or direction in My life, and that's the case for many men, is that sexual and having a high sex drive is a kind of outlet for them to disperse the excess energy of feeling overwhelmed or anxious or whatever it is. So find other methods and modalities. Breathwork, meditation, certain types of yoga, working out. There are many things and I have a ton of resources. If you go to my Instagram page, it's just mantalks. I have many resources that are free that will help you do that. That next is desexualize your brain. And I have a video coming out on this in the next little while. But the big piece is being able to desexualize your brain. For a lot of us as men, especially a lot of the younger men that are growing up, you may have grown up in an environment where sex was everywhere, right? Where you watched a ton of sex, watched a ton of sex, watched a ton of porn growing up. And so your brain has become over sexualized. You are sexualizing people non stop. You know, you see women at the grocery store and you're sexualizing them and fantasies are going and. And your brain has just become conditioned to deal with what you are feeling and experiencing by moving away from that emotion towards sexualization. So spend time actively desexualizing your brain and I'll have a video on that for you so soon, or a podcast on that soon. Last but not least is get more high quality better men in your life. The men that I've worked with over the years that have this like really high sex drive that is problematic in their life, oftentimes it's a part of the equation is that they're quite lonely and they're quite isolated and they don't have really solid men in their lives to talk to about the shit that's going on in their relationship, in their marriage, at home with their kids and their business, with their finances, in their health. And so it gives them an easier escape route to go into fantasy land to try and seek validation and worth and connection exclusively from porn and sex. And it can be very, very helpful to have solid men in your life that you are friends with, that you can talk to, that you can share life's journeys and challenges with that you can go traveling and have adventures with that. You can call up when you've got this abundant energy in your body and say, listen man, I could really use a workout. Can we go tomorrow morning at 6am or can we go for a hike today? Or do you want to go ride 20 miles on the bikes or something like that, or can we just go for a walk and chat down by the ocean or whatever? So having that solid community of men can be very, very helpful to be able to process some of the emotions, some of the stress, some of the grief, some of the anxiety that you might be carrying that is feeding this high sex drive that's causing problems in your life. So comment below, let me know what you thought about this video. What would you add in? What would you like me to expand on? And if you're not watching this on YouTube, if you're tuning into the podcast, then hit me up man talks on Instagram. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Until next week, this is Connor Beaton signing off.