Connor Beaton and the host argue most people mislabel their partners as narcissists when they're just difficult. Social media amplifies extreme cases, and even good tools like attachment theory can become weapons in the wrong hands.
There is a minority of people that they truly are in relationship with narcissists. Right. Most of the people out there that are diagnosing their partners as narcissists, their partners aren't narcissists. Right. But there is a. Obviously, it is true that there is some, not most, but some people, and, you know, probably a small percentage are truly in relationship with a narcissist, just like there is some people that are truly in relationship with someone that is borderline or histrionic right now. One of the main reasons why democracy is hard to make work is this kind of groups with intense preferences dominate. Look, you and I are like, I don't care if I use whole milk or oat milk in my coffee. I don't really care. I'll just go in and get a coffee, just put something white and creamy in it. But if there are people picketing outside the coffee shop, oatmeal only. Oatmeal only. Right? There's only 10 of them. Right? And there's a. There's 500 people like me that are like, honestly, I don't care what goes in my coffee. I don't care. The 10 people end up winning, right? The 10 people that are so vocal and they're going to lobby Congress. They're going to lobby. Right? So. So it's tense. Exactly. Right, Exactly. Like people are getting ideas right now. You know what, it does offend me that cat. Cow's milk is served at Starbucks. Right? Okay, please don't. I don't drink at Starbucks. Do it at Starbucks. Okay? But anyway, so look, same thing applies. Here's the thing. This is really hard. It's very hard to talk on this topic of diagnosing partners because there's a group that are absolutely. There's a minority that are absolutely factually correct. I was with a narcissistic partner. I was with a borderline partner, and my life was ruined. And I'm going, and I'll never be able to love again.
And supporting that group, them, they're so vocal, and them being supported is so important that the rest of, like, say, the vast majority of the population that, honestly, that advice isn't good for. It's good for 10% of the population and 90%, to be honest, they're better off not listening to that because it's not true for them. But that advice that is right for the 10%, everybody ends up consuming it. And so now we have someone that's having a cup of coffee in the mornings. You know, someone's having A cup of coffee and their partner like you know, forgets to offer them the sugar and they're like I just watched my favorite TikTok 18 year old expert talk about people like you, you narcissistic, right? So like anyway, so, so yeah, the, the kind of this rule of intense preferences dominate the the d, right? You know, whether it's you know, the academy, right. You know, politics. And then of course now we have this new tan square of social media, right? There's that the other thing like you were saying about.
All methods for good can be co opted and it's really easy. Like it's really easy. And people don't do it intentionally. Like even just think about just for a moment we take it away from diagnosis. The main scientific body that I use to help people like attachment theory, the science of emotional bonding. So I use that to help people be really empathic and compassionate to self another right? That's the whole point. But here's the way most people when they read attachment theory, right? And they read the science of emotional bonding. And I mean look, most therapists, right, never mind lay people, they read it and they go, I have a new way of working out what's wrong with my partner and me. So people instead of going, oh my God, my partner can feel alone and abandoned and they get scared. And no wonder they would freak out and arrive at my mother's house. Where have you been? Right? Whatever it is, right? Like wait a second, they're terrified inside. They deserve so much love, right? No, they use that exact same information that is supposed to like soften. I mean I say supposed to. Supposed to soften their hearts to each other. They weaponize it. And so look, the same is true for obviously diagnosis right now. Like people have used this tool that is supposed to be for good, right, that you can help people identify what's wrong and see if they could actually then work on, you know, lessening the suffering in their life. They now have weaponized it within the, you know, the battle, the active war or cold war that is happening in their relationship. So it's very, very sad and again, unfortunately very easy to do. If I can give an example, I lived at Esalen, you know, this retreat center in Northern California. And I got to live 247 practicing nonviolent communication. Like really becoming an expert at non violent communication. Like unbelievable ability to notice what I was feeling inside and then share self responsibly with other people. And then I would leave Esalen on the weekends and drive up to San Francisco and meet Other people, like around my age that were bad communicators.
Right? I managed to take this wonderful tool for good and make myself into a dickhead. I was superior to other people. I was a better communicator than they were. And I was able to manipulate. This skill I developed to all to stay above the fold and not really be a vulnerable person, right? My competency, totally unintentionally, my competency actually made me incompetent. Right? This, you know, it's a kind of a weird paradox.
No, it's a. I think it's a lovely example because I think that that is.
That is, you're sort of poking at the essence of what happens to the majority of folks, right? We go and we learn a new tool there. Our ego latches onto it. I mean, I remember Alan Watts telling the story, the police going into a building. This robber is like running from the cops, and the robber goes into a building. And when the police come into the building, the robber goes up a floor. And then when the police go up that floor, he goes up another floor and so on and so forth. And he was equating that to a sense of enlightenment, right? That.
When we think that we've raised up a level, we're sort of fooling ourselves or we're creating the perception that we're somehow above others. And that for me is part and parcel what I see happening with a lot of these tools online. And it breaks my heart in some ways because it's really unfortunate to see. And I think it's creating some division.
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