Quit Porn - How to Stop Relapsing in Brief

All right, team, welcome back to the Man Talk Show. Connor Beaton here. Today we'll be talking about quitting porn. What to do when you relapse. One of the things that I see with so many men, and this was my, my challenge as well, is that when you want to stop watching porn, it can take a long time. You can continue to relapse, it can bring up a whole bunch of shame and frustration, can just be, can really be a big pain in the ass. And so today I'm going to talk about specific things that you can do when you feel the urge to relapse and when you do relapse and you fall into that behavior pattern. If you're interested, I've created a free guide for you on how to quit porn that is very robust. It's in the description below on YouTube. So you can just click the link below and you can check that out. It's free and it will guide you through how to quit porn. Okay, let's dive straight in. So the first thing that you want to do in all of this is reinforce the decision that you're making around why you want to quit porn. For me, it was about developing more self respect, building myself into someone that I admired because I felt completely out of control with porn. And maybe that's not the case for you. Maybe porn is just something that you're like. It's not that big of a deal. I use it once in a while. It's not that big of a problem. But I would like to stop using it because I want to have more energy or I want to bring more of my sexual energy into my relationship. Whatever your reason is, make that decision of why. You need to have some reasoning behind it. And you need to reinforce that when the urge to relapse comes up, right? You need to reinforce your why when it comes up. And I think the cool thing is now the man that I've become today, and this isn't just because I quit porn, but it's because I dedicated myself to becoming someone that I respected and admired. And the cool thing that I can acknowledge now is that the man that, that I was at 25 would really admire the man that I am today. Everything that I've built, everything that I've become. And one of those things for sure is the fact that I've quit pornography. The fact that I don't watch it anymore, the fact that I don't need it anymore, that I think is, is a wonderful, wonderful thing that 25 year old me, 18 year old me, would be like, holy crap, how in the hell did you do that? So make the decision about building self respect, about becoming someone that you admire, focus, find your why, whatever your why is, and reinforce that when the urge to watch comes up again. Number two is really understand the what's driving your urges. Really understand what's driving your urges. And from what I've seen and the work that I've done with probably a couple thousand men now to quit porn, there are three very simple urges that drive a man's porn usage. And so these are the trigger points that you need to be conscious stuff and paying attention to that are going to help to remind you, like, oh, I'm probably going to have some type of desire to watch porn now. Or these are the moments that you need to watch out for. So number one is boredom. Anytime that you know you have sort of like idle hands, you're a boy, you don't know what else to do. I find that a lot of men that are trying to quit porn when boredom sets in. You know, you have your computer, you've got your phone, and porn is just so easy to access. I mean, it's everywhere, right? Something like 30% of the Internet is pornographic, which is absolutely insane. I don't know whether that stat's true or not. I've heard a couple people say that over the years, and that is just insane. But boredom is going to be a big trigger point for most of you guys that are out there. And so you're going to need to keep that in mind. And for some of you, that boredom might be in the morning, it might be in the afternoon, it might be at night. But really taking stock of, like, what, am I actually bored throughout the day? And is there something that I can implement to ensure that when I start to get bored, I have something else to do? And then number three, the last one, which is the really, really big one that I see with so many men, is that when you're feeling something that you don't like or that you've deemed as a threat or just something that you don't want to experience, when you have an internal state that you don't like, a low state, you're lonely, you're depressed, you're anxious, you're angry, maybe there's been a conflict between you and, you know, your girlfriend or your wife, it's in those moments where you feel something that you don't like, you're in a low state that you're going to be very, very susceptible and having a big urge to watch porn. So those are the real three drivers. These are like the three horsemen that are really pushing forward the campaign to watch porn. So you have to be mindful of those three things. When are you bored?

Do you have other routines or rituals or habits that you can start to institute because your brain wants some predictability? And for a lot of the men that I've worked with, they just don't have a lot of, like, consistent, predictable routines that they use. When, number three, they are feeling a low state, they're feeling something that they don't like or enjoy. So get very clear on those things. And one of the things that I recommend to a lot of men and is when the urge to for porn comes up, that you set a timer, you pause, you stop, you, like, literally interrupt the pattern. So you create a new. It's called a pattern interruption. You create a new pattern where you set a timer for five minutes and you either, you know, on your notes, on your phone, or on a journal, you just write down, like, what am I feeling or experiencing right now that I'm trying to get away from? Or what am I feeling, experiencing right now that I'm trying to move towards? Most of the time, what you're gonna find is, oh, I'm just freaking bored and I don't know what else to do, or I'm feeling something I don't want to feel, and I'm looking for a distraction from that. I'm looking to hit the reset button. So in doing that, you create a interruption to this ritual and this pattern of I'm feeling something I don't like, I'm going to go watch porn or I don't know what else to do. And so I'm going to go to that reliable ritual and have it number four, very, very, very important. Redirect and replace. Okay? Redirect that energy that you're experiencing and replace the porn usage with something that is more generative. Okay? So porn usage for the most part, for most guys, is not a generative habit. It doesn't really add to your life. It usually is a subtractive experience over time. Right? If you're in a relationship and you're constantly using porn and you're not getting your needs met in your relationship and you're not happy sexually, that porn is just a band aid solution that's not actually helping you to solve the real problem in your life. So you need to redirect that energy. So you might need to redirect some of your sexual energy back into your relationship. You might Want to redirect some of that energy into a project that you're working on to fill the boredom that you have. The last piece, number five is that you have to understand that porn is a pseudo attachment. And so the way that I'm going to frame this one is that there's no replacing addiction without relationship. There's no replacing an addictive behavior without some form of relationship. Because of the way that porn is structured. Whether you're watching something on Pornhub or you've subscribed to an OnlyFans person.

That is acting as a kind of pseudo relationship between you and that woman, and you're getting something even though it's very, very transactional, right? If you're bored, there's some connection that happens. If you're feeling lonely, there's some connection that happens. If you're angry, depressed, sad, anxious, there's this pseudo relationship or attachment that takes place between you and whatever the woman that you're watching on screen or the only fan chick that sends you a video, and it feels like you're getting something from a relationship. That's not really the reality is the majority of you that are struggling with quitting porn, very, very likely that you don't have super robust relationships. Maybe you've got some good friends, but your, you know, your marriage or your intimate relationship is really struggling or the inverse of that. You have an okay marriage or a good marriage and a good relationship with your girlfriend or your wife, but you don't really have a lot of friends. And so you, you have this hyper dependence on that one relationship. So as you develop more robust relationships, you will see a decrease in your urge and your desire to watch porn. And when you relapse, you want to be able to process that and talk about it with somebody of like, what was going on. Because we can't just go through this by ourselves. You need to go through this process, ideally with somebody, even if it's just like a buddy that you're texting and be like, man, I wanted to watch, but I didn't. Instead I went and did my breath work and, you know, now I'm going to hit the gym to get some of the energy out of my body. I'm going to go for a run or a hike or whatever. And that can be very, very helpful. So don't forget to man it forward, share this episode with somebody that you know is maybe dealing with this, struggling with this comment below on which part really hit home for you and stood out to you. And don't forget to share what you found. To be supportive for you in quitting pornography. Till next week. Connor Beaton signing off.