Repairing After Betrayals and Infidelity

Today we're going to talk about overcoming infidelity. So many of you reached out recently. I put a post up on Instagram and said, hey, what do you want me to talk about on the show? What topic? And resoundingly, there was a lot of questions about infidelity. And this is something that most people are going to experience, right? Not everybody, but most people are going to experience at some point in their life, in their relational life. And it can be a hard one. It can be a hard one for the person who is cheating and the hard one for the person who was cheated on. And there's many, many, many reasons why infidelity happens, right? I mean, I could spend a whole episode on that. I think brief, briefly. You know, some people do cheat because they want out of the relationship. It's a way of exiting the relationship without actually having to say, I want out. Just like some people will start fights and push the other person away to have that other person to try and get that other person to break up with them so they don't have to make the decision. Some people will cheat to actually preserve the relationship because they're not getting something met in the dynamic. And. And so it's their way of sort of preserving the relationship. Other people will cheat because, you know, they've said something repeatedly, you know, I want a deeper kind of sexual connection, or I feel like we can't work through conflict, or I, you know, I want you to be able to communicate to me or whatever it is. And so the infidelity happens as a. As a means of sort of offsetting that. You know, they're not getting what they really ultimately need or want within the relationship. And then someone else comes along and sort of fills that void. And then lastly, you know, there are a group of people who cheat because they're grandiose, because they like the power, because it helps them sort of feel a certain way. And so we can talk again more in depth about why infidelity happens, but I want to talk more specifically about what to do after it happens. And so whether or not you're going through this right now or, you know, somebody that's going through this right now. So share this with somebody that it might be very helpful for, and maybe look at your own life where infidelity has happened and see how you might be able to apply some of these pieces. So, first and foremost, infidelity, I think one of the biggest things is that it's a bit of a reconciler. And maybe what I should be transparent about up Front is I cheated in almost every relationship that I was in in the past, like almost every single one. And, and I cheated for many different reasons. In some ways, because I had sort of divided the women that I, that I fell in love with and I wanted to date and the women that I wanted to be highly sexual with, and I sort of divided those two. And so I had to learn how to bring those two things together. And I've. I've seen this to be a very common thing in a lot of men. And some women, in the sense that they might want to express themselves sexually in a certain way, to be dominant, be in control, you know, whatever it is, however they want to express themselves. But then they fall in love with a woman. And maybe you've experienced this as a man, you fall in love with a woman. All of a sudden, this sexual intensity that you have expressed in other dynamics where there was less on the line, where you didn't sort of love the person as much becomes stifled. It becomes harder to get out. And so some men will actually cheat because they, they are trying to bring that sexual energy into their dynamic and they can't figure out how to do it. And. And then along comes another woman and they're able to express themselves or explore themselves in some capacity. So that. And that's the same for women as well. For some women, that's the truth. So when infidelity happens after it happens, one of the most important pieces to reconciling is to discern what details and information the person who has had the affair happen to them or the person who has been cheated on or wants to have. Now, the caveat I'm going to put to that is if you are that person, you really, really, really need to be honest about what it is that you want to know and don't want to know. Because a lot of people will be in that position and say, I want to know every single detail. But it's every single detail that's going to make it impossible for them to really forgive and move forward in any way, shape or form. And so you really have to sit for a period of time. My suggestion is really sit for a period of time and discern what details do I actually want to know? Like, what was the affair about? Maybe you want to know that, you know, what were this, what was the sexual charge, you know, that led you in that direction to this person, you know, and is it missing in our relationship? Or is there something that needs to be developed within our relationship or understood or felt forgiven or Is there some resentment that has shown up that's caused this? So, really discerning, first and foremost, what details do you want to know? And for the person that has been unfaithful to trust your partner to honor what it is that they need, you know, to really respect. Because if reconciliation and repair is going to happen, you have to, as tough as it is, you have to treat one another and view one another as capable of knowing what it is that you want and what it is that you need. Because most of the time, the affair or the infidelity has happened in the first place because one of you or two, both of you, have viewed the other person as not being capable of receiving some form of truth, not being able to own what it is that they need, not being able to hear something that you need. And so you have to start to treat other person like, I trust you to know what it is that you need, even if it's hard for me to tell you these things. So that's the first thing. The second thing is about anger. And anger is justified. You know, I think anytime that an affair happens, it's very common, which is so fascinating to me. It's very common sometimes for the person who has been cheated on to just say, oh, it's okay, I forgive you. You know, let's move on, or to really be immersed in grief and sadness, but to never allow themselves to get angry. And anger within infidelity is very justified, but it has to have a specific place. So we need to allow it to be there, you know, specifically on the person who has been cheated on. But also there might be some form of anger from the person who had the affair of, like, this happened, because you haven't paid attention to me in years. We haven't had conversations in years. You know, I feel so disconnected from you. I feel so, like, shut off from you. And I don't even. Like, you don't even feel like my partner anymore. And so that can happen. So allowing anger to come in the conversation, not necessarily having your anger, if you're the one that has. That has cheated, be the dominant force, because your partner's anger is likely going to come out, and it's justified. And so letting it be there with boundaries, but also understanding and compassion is incredibly important. As poet David White said, anger is the deepest form of care. And I'm going to speak to men directly because this is a. You know, this is the channel for men. If you were unfaithful and your woman is angry, right, your partner's angry about the affair. And it keeps coming up, and you're six months after the affair, or you're a year down or a year and a half down. That's okay. You know, if her anger is coming out or their anger is coming out, let it be there. And you likely in some way wanted her to fight for you or to fight for the relationship. And her anger can be an expression for her to say, I'm fighting for this, you know, and I'm fighting for this by letting you know that what you did hurt, and it wasn't okay. And I'm telling you that I'm willing to do what it takes to make this work. So, again, anger's justified, have some boundaries around it, right? We don't want to have unproductive anger where our partner, you know, that person is from a hurt place, calling names and, you know, throwing dish plates and stuff like that. That's not. That doesn't, you know, need to enter into the equation. So we have to have some boundaries around the anger. Next is grieving the relationship that you had, which is no longer there, right? It's. It's changing. It's transitioning. It's evolving. It's. It's forming into something different. So grieving the relationship that you once had and grieving the future of the relationship you thought you were going to live into. So for many people, part of the grief is they had a vision of what the future was going to look like. Infidelity free, right? Affair free. And they had a vision of how things were going to unfold in their life and in the relationship. And that's gone, right? That's changed. So in order to forgive, because, and this is my belief is that forgiveness is on the other side of grieving. That forgiveness cannot happen until grieving has been. Been. Until we have immersed ourselves in grief in some capacity. So we have to allow ourselves to grieve, and we have to grieve the relationship that we had because it's changed, and we have to grieve the future relationship we thought we were going to live into. And that will allow us to free up the possibility of what the relationship can be now. So that allows us to open up this space of, well, what might the relationship be turning into, right? Maybe there's more honesty, maybe there's more transparency, maybe there's more connection. Maybe there was something that was missing within the dynamic that can now be present, because that is very, very common. A lot of people who go through infidelity and go through an affair and they come out the other side. And they make it through that, that repair process actually report having a better relationship, a more honest relationship, a more connected relationship than they did before the affair. Because infidelities usually reveal something about an individual or about the relationship itself that is integral for the relationship survival. Now, that doesn't mean that we should go out and have an affair to try and communicate something to our. Relate, you know, our partner or about the relationship. I'm not advocating that. I'm simply saying that if and when it happens, then that there's a. There's often something bigger at play next. And there's two more pieces, okay? And. And they're gonna be brief, but I think this one's arguably the most important one, which is.

The indiscretion, the betrayal. And any kind of betrayal, this is relevant for infidelity. And any kind of betrayal doesn't annihilate and doesn't destroy the rest of the relationship or marriage and what that person has meant to you or been for you or how they've been there for you. I think one of the most damaging and detrimental things that happens when infidelity happens is that people take this. This hurt and make it mean that everything in the relationship was false, couldn't be trusted. And so you have people that have gone through the. The death of a child together or the loss of a house or the loss of a parent or through, you know, cancer and a remission, through health issues and financial problems and lost jobs and, you know, moving to different countries. You have people that have gone through tremendous, tremendous hardship and challenges and obstacles in their life together. And all of that can get wiped away because of the infidelity. And I think that that is such a false notion. And I really would caution people to change the mindset that the indiscretion, the affair, the infidelity, the betrayal does not mean that that person wasn't fundamentally there for you, loving you through very hard times. And we have to reconnect to that thing. We have to reconnect to the truth of who this person has been in our lives, right? Who that person has been in your life in order to heal from the infidelity. Because if not, they'll just become this monster, right? They'll just become this villain. And the pain and the sadness of what has happened in that betrayal can permeate unnecessarily and falsely to erode and corrode the rest of who that person has been. You know, that person who cheated can still be a beautiful, very strong, very healthy person in your life, they can still be somebody who has stood by you as you've transitioned careers, who has been beside you as you've gone through family challenges or personal finance problems or health issues. They can still be that person who loves and cares for you. And the indiscretion, the betrayal, doesn't mean that all those things are false or need to be wiped away. So that is a really important piece. And then lastly is be in the fight for the relationship. Be in the fight for the relationship. So what does that mean? It means that your relationship is going to change. It's going to look different, it's going to be altered, and it's not going to be the same relationship that it was before. And so, like I said before, grieve, but also be in the fight for what you want the relationship to be moving forward. You know, what does 2.0, the marriage 2.0 look like? What is the strengthened relationship look like with more transparency and more honesty and more connection? And that is, you know, in Japanese culture, they have something called kintsugi. And kintsugi is, I'm probably saying it wrong and incorrectly, but it's the, it's the art of bringing broken things back together with gold. And so the Japanese hundreds of years ago would break pottery, you know, teacups, kettles, etc. And they would, they would repair them by sort of pouring liquid gold into the cracks and then putting it back together. And in this way, you find the beauty in the broken places. And so that's the last piece that I have for you, is as you go through the repair process, the restoration process of the relationship after infidelity, try and find the beauty in the broken places. Try and find the beauty within the. The affair happening and what it's revealed about you, about your partner, about the relationship itself, and see if that can become the fertile ground from which the new relationship or the new elements of the relationship can sprout and come into being and start to form. So comment below. You know, if you're watching this on YouTube, let me know what you enjoyed about this, what you would add, what you have experienced in your own life. Of course, there are some people, although I think it's more rarely that our chronic cheaters that are going to continue to have affairs, they continue to cheat and you give them a second chance and a third chance and, you know, it just continues to happen. Of course those people are out there and I was that person in the past and I understand what that can look like and why that can happen. But I would love to hear your thoughts on repairing from infidelity and why you've seen it happen and how it has shown up in your life and how you have forgiven or, you know, forgiven the other person or forgiven yourself. I had to do a tremendous amount of work in my own life of forgiving myself for cheating, for being unfaithful. And maybe that's a whole different video for a separate conversation. But thank you for tuning in. I'm looking forward to seeing and hearing your thoughts. And until next week, this is Connor Beaton signing off.