Connor Beaton and a co-speaker argue that women prioritize safety in relationships over strict equality, and that focusing on equal splits breeds transactional dynamics. Men often internalize responsibility for making women feel secure, while equality can feel unromantic and kill unconditional love.
Women in relationship crave safety more than they crave equality. And I think for a lot of men, they feel this onus of like, I'm responsible for a woman's safety, and if she doesn't feel safe, it means there's something wrong with me or I'm doing something wrong, and I got to figure that out.
It is not sexy when you're on a date and he goes, let's split the bill. Literally, the most unsexy thing for the woman that wants to be in a relationship where he is the provider and the protector. A woman that is in her hyper masculine might not even think anything about it. She might think, yeah, great, like, we're equals here. We're not talking about that. And when you're constantly focused, focused on things, trying to be equal in your head, you're focused on this, like, gold star thing. It's this constant nitpicking of who's done what. I don't want to be having sex with someone that's like, well, I did this, so you have to do that. That is not a healthy relationship. That is a relationship that is infused with obligation and pressure and performance. And one person constantly feeling like they have to do something that day to earn the other person's love. There is not unconditional love in that relationship.
How to Raise Strong, Unshakable Boys in Today's Culture, with Dr. Shefali Tsabary
