She doesn't want your vulnerability, she wants this...

All right, men, welcome back to the Man Talk Show. I'm Connor Beaton, and today we're going to be talking about what a woman really means when she says that she wants you to be more vulnerable and open up. Now, I've touched on this before, but I'm going to go much deeper into this topic. And maybe you've heard somebody talk about this before, but I'm going to try and lay this out in a way that I think is very, very practical and helpful for you. So I'm going to start with what a woman does not mean. Because I think for many of us as men, it helps us to define things by understanding our own misinterpretations. And to be honest with you, the majority of men that I see making errors and mistakes in their relationship when it comes to this, it's because they've misinterpreted what their girlfriend or their wife is actually saying. So what does a woman mean when she says, I want you to be more vulnerable? Well, she does not mean that she wants constant access to your emotions. She does not mean that she wants constant access to your insecurities or your fears or your grievances or everything that you're pissed off about. The guy in traffic and the person at the grocery store and your parents or whatever. She doesn't want you. She doesn't want to become a receptacle for all of your emotional grievances and intensities. And this is what can happen for a lot of men, is that they finally get asked and get a kind of permission to open up and be vulnerable and express themselves. And for a lot of guys, they kind of. They open the dam gates. They open the, you know, the floodgates of the dam, and they just kind of emotionally vomit all over their partner for weeks or months on end. And it can disrupt the homeostasis of the relationship. It can really alter the dynamic. And you see, the problem is that you as a man, and this is what most of us as men do, you interpret that, that person's words, your woman's words, as a legal contract. You think to yourself, if I do what she says, if I just open up and I express and I be more emotional, I be more vulnerable, I'll be loved and she'll be happy. And this is incorrect. This almost always leads to all kinds of issues. You see, when a man hears, he can. Here's this. I want you to be more vulnerable. I want you to be more open. You can get caught in a trap of trying to please her you can get caught in the trap of oversharing, of over expressing every single thought and emotion and experience internally. And this leads her often to feeling unsafe and almost as though she has to then caretake you. And this can put her into a kind of maternal role, a mother role, a. A therapist role, a coach role. And you can find this dynamic where all of a sudden she's giving you advice and feedback and she's trying to fix your problems and you're like, I don't want you to do any of that. Or it creates all this type of conflict. So here's the paradox for you as a man in modern relationships, okay, just relationship in general, with women, maybe throughout human history, the more you try to become the man she says she wants, the further you get from the man that her instincts and her intuition will respect. Okay, I'm going to say it again. The more you try to become the man that she says she wants, the further you get from the man her instincts and her intuition will respect. Now, this doesn't mean that she doesn't have valid feedback for you. It doesn't mean that she doesn't have insight or advice, you know, insight into things that you might be missing in your life about yourself. It doesn't mean that at all. What it simply means is that when you start to adapt the mentality and the strategy that you need to chase the tail of whoever she says you need to be, you have lost the plot on the connection to yourself as a man and what actually allows you to feel secure and, and grounded and strong and safe for your woman, the more that you chase after what she says she wants you to be. Now, again, this doesn't mean that sometimes in the relationship, she's not saying, hey, I need this from you. I need you to just love and appreciate me more. I need you to be more grateful for me. I need you to give me more appreciation in the relationship. That doesn't mean that you should ignore all of those things. It does mean, though, that you have to find a genuine way inside of you to express those things. You have to find the genuine core of yourself that is appreciative and grateful for her and to find your own expression of that love and that adoration and that appreciation. Because what so many men do is, is they take the note at face value. It's like, okay, you want me to do this? I will do this. And I'll check it off a list. I gave you gratitude today. Check. I gave you appreciation today. Check. I'm following through with the Motions. And it's hollow and empty of any type of depth or resonance within your core and your structure, within your own masculine nature and body as a man. And women will detect that. They will feel that. Because.

In a lot of circles, and for a lot of women, culture really controls her words or her thoughts. They sort of dictate or direct her words or thoughts about what she says she wants. But her inner body, her biology, her intuition, her instinct will direct her actions and her decisions. And this is why some of you maybe grew up in a single mom household, or maybe you know, of men that grew up in a single mom household where you were being told constantly that you needed to be a certain kind of man, you need to become a certain kind of man, right? And this is sort of the classic scenario that a lot of nice guys grew up in. Mom was saying, don't be like dad. Don't be like your stepfather. Don't be like these men that I date. Be a really nice man. Be generous to him. Be a, you know, appease women. Make sure that you prioritize all their needs all the time. Money doesn't matter. Women don't really care about success. They just care about you being nice and kind and all these types of things. And yet the men that your mom dated were the complete antithesis of everything that she told you to be. I see this all the time with men, and this is what I see happening so much to young men and men within our culture and our society. They are the byproduct, right? A lot of men, especially a lot of the young men that I see in today's world, they are the byproduct of who their mothers told them to be. Now, some of that is wonderful and great, but in many ways, they've become the man that their mothers said that they wanted them to be when they grew up to be a man. And this is often over prioritizing, over indexing things like emotional sharing and openness and vulnerability, lacking in assertiveness, lacking in boundaries, lacking in some of the things that often a woman is looking for in order to feel safe and secure and rooted with you as her partner. So what does she actually want? When a woman says, I want you to be more vulnerable, I want you to open up more, yes, she's saying, I want you to share parts of you emotionally. But what she's really saying is, I want you to show me your depth. I want you to show me your depth. I want to know that you can connect to your own emotions deeply without drowning in it. And without suffocating me with your emotions. So she needs to know that she can trust you to swim in the waters of your own complexity, your own emotions, your own chaos, your own confusion, your own insecurities and fears. And that you can not only go deep into those parts of yourself, but you can bring them forward in a way that is grounded in a way that. That isn't inundating her with every little thought and every little experience and every little emotion that. That you're not sort of pleading or begging for her validation. You're not begging or pleading for her approval as you share these emotions. You're not looking to her to solve all of these problems for you. That you are bringing the depth of who you are into the dynamic and the relationship. You see, men often go astray within relationships when they expect their woman or partner to fulfill some spiritual longing. And this longing really must be resolved because most of you, pretty much every man I've ever met, has this kind of longing inside of him. And it needs to be resolved through things like self resiliency, philosophy, art. You can have art as a. As a part that fills this longing, but not necessarily through romance. It's not to say that romance isn't a beautiful gift and that it can't be a part of your life, but for a lot of men that get stuck in this trap of being overly emotional, being overly vulnerable, what has happened is that you have made your relationship the romance of that relationship, the woman that you're with, you have made it your prime function. You have made her your primary purpose. And not only that, but I see this with a lot of men. You have turned her into a vehicle of some type of spiritual sustenance. And so when a woman says, I want you to open up, I want you to be more vulnerable. I want you to express more to me. For a lot of men, they'll either shut down and they'll stay in this very surface level place because you are afraid to actually go deeper inside of yourself. And this is the main thing that she's asking for. Are you willing enough, brave enough, courageous enough, strong enough to face the fear of going deeper within yourself as a man and starting to see some of the shadowy underbelly and undercurrents of who you actually are? Your violence, your anger, your rage, your fears, your deep insecurities that you pretend aren't there? Are you, as a man, willing to go deep inside of yourself and discover the true depth of who you are so that you can bring some of that forward into the relationship because that is what allows a woman to. To feel safe. That is actually. And any woman that I have ever spoke with that communicates being with a man who she feels is open and vulnerable, but she can still trust and she doesn't feel like she has to mother intend to. What she really describes is he's able to bring the depth of who he is, this level of self knowledge and self understanding and this courage and this grit and determination to go within himself and face the unsavory parts of himself, whether that's in a, you know, in a men's group or in life, face challenges, move through resiliency, yada, yada yada, that he's able to go deeper than the surface level. This is just how I am. And explore the deeper parts of himself and bring that into the relationship. Again, not in a tidal wave, not, not in a way where you're trying to bowl her over, but in a way that she can actually feel that you are grounded and safe. Because again, so many men, what we do is we project spiritual meaning onto sexual instinct. And so love for a lot of men can get entangled with. I need to do anything in my arsenal to try and get sexual connection from the person that I'm with. And for a lot of men, we can project this kind of lack of spiritual connection onto a relationship, onto the woman that we're with, and become so enamored and so lost in that dynamic that we disconnect from who we actually are. And that is at the core, what women are really asking for, for from a man. When she's saying, I want you to be more vulnerable, what she's really saying to you, plain and simple, in plain English, is I want to know the deeper parts of who you are and for you as a man. If you don't know that, if you don't know who you are at your core or deeper parts of who you are, the elements that you don't like, that you mistrust, that you're afraid of. If you haven't sort of dove in to the darker waters of your own psychological, emotional, spiritual and physical nature, then she will feel that and she will want you to open up more. And it can be a messy process sometimes. So enjoy. Share this with somebody. Man it forward that you know could use this reminder. Have a debate on it. Make sure you comment below. Don't forget to like and subscribe. Subscribe. Hit the bell. Notification if you are watching on YouTube. Don't forget to subscribe on Spotify. There's like over 50,000 of you now subscribed on Spotify, which I really love. And obviously the YouTube channel is popping. So until next week, Connor Beaton signing off.