Connor Beaton argues that people often use good habits like exercise and saving money to compensate for low self-worth, a pattern he calls "moral banking." He says the fix is acting from your actual identity, not to earn validation or relieve guilt.
they're still there because at your core, your foundation of self-worth is still fractured. And so you're doing all of these good behaviors, which on the surface is great, right? You're like, I'm doing my breathwork, I'm taking the cold showers, I'm working out, I'm saving money, I'm way less angry in my relationship. But you're doing all those just to feel better about yourself, and you're still ignoring that your self-worth and the foundation of your identity still feels kind of broken. So how do you break the cycle? You shift from moral banking to identity-based values. So you start to operate less from, "I'm gonna do that 'cause I'll feel good after I do it," to, "I do that because that's who I am. I work out because that's who I am. I treat my wife with respect because that's who I am." Not so that I can feel like a good boy, not so that I can feel like a good man, not so that I can get praise or validation, but because that's who the fuck I am.
How to Raise Strong, Unshakable Boys in Today's Culture, with Dr. Shefali Tsabary
