Connor Beaton argues modern therapy misses what men actually need: deep friendships with other men, acknowledgment of the real stigma they face, and focus on mastery and purpose, not just emotional validation. The stakes are high.
There's a few key things that I think the therapeutic industry often misses when it comes to working with men. First is being able to radically repair the relationships that men have with other men. Being able to create really deep, depth oriented, meaningful relationships with other men is challenging. It's hard for most men. It's hard for us to trust. It's hard for a lot of men to really open up and be real with other men and sort of risk judg or any of those things. It's hard for men to find really meaningful, healthy community. And it can be challenging to build. So that's one thing that I think is often underestimated. Secondly, are the stigmas around men opening up and being real and being very transparent. And third is the focus in on simply emotional validation. And emotional caretaking often misses out on men wanting to develop themselves towards some type of mastery, capacity, capability and competency. And this is something that I haven't seen in most therapists or psychologists language. When they're talking about men, they don't talk. They miss almost entirely out on the, on the reality that we as men love to feel competent and capable. And that's not because we want to be these egotistical, you know, individuals that are like crushing it and all those types of things. It's that there's something within our spirit and our soul and our masculine core, whatever words you want to put on it, that really values the type of mastery, that really values being able to protect and provide for the people that we love. And so when those opportunities aren't available for us, when those opportunities aren't presented to us as extremely meaningful and what we're met with when we bring our problems into a session with a therapist or a psychologist is simply the emotional caretaking and validation that is so often very, very helpful and very transformative for a lot of women. We miss out on this big piece of the equation that a lot of men are looking for that I think drives them down these paths. I'll end with this because I think this was heartbreaking for me to see and it can honestly make me.
It's almost hard to talk about. I. I saw this video recently.
Of a bunch of men. It was sort of cycling through these videos of men playing with their kids, having fun with their friends, having fun with their family out at the park. And what the videos were, were the last videos of these men before they had taken their lives.
And on the surface, they looked great. You know, on the surface they looked real good. And I've known a number of men like that. You know, I've known a number of men like that where on the surface they looked real great, but deep within themselves, they felt completely alone and completely isolated. And there were certain issues and problems and experiences that they had gone through in their lives. Abuse that they had experienced, sexual abuse, some type of trauma that they had literally never told a soul. And I know this because I have worked with thousands and tens of thousands of men who have been carrying things inside of them that either no one else has known about, no one else has cared about, or no one else has known what to do with. Because so often I have heard men talk about how they have opened up about their trauma in a therapeutic setting or to someone in their life, and they've been met with that individual not knowing how to really support them or how to help them. And on the other side of it is not knowing. And this is the kicker that I think a lot of the therapeutic industry misses. And this is where I'll end. A lot of people don't know how to help men get direction back in their life. It's not just about validating your internal state. It is about helping a man have direction out of the pit of despair that he has found himself in. Very clear, concise, meaningful direction. We as men need to. To know what the roadmap is sometimes. And for a lot of men who have bottomed out, or a lot of men who feel like they are bottomed out or about to bottom out, they are looking for direction and a map. And the problem that I see most common within the therapeutic and psychological space is that there isn't a lot of direction. There's a lot of validating what's happening within, and there isn't a lot of. Have you thought about moving in this direction? And I think maybe this is why people like Jordan Peterson have become so popular over the years. Love him or hate him, right? I know speaking his name is like saying Voldemort from Harry Potter, but he has given men very clear direction. Go clean your room, stand up straight, dress properly. Right? These very sort of basic things that for a man who is struggling, who has literally never gotten any masculine direction in his life, that, that nutrition that's. That is so substantial to that man. And it's mocked by public society, it's mocked by the average person in the mainstream media, it's mocked by people because they don't know what the hell men are actually going through and actually experiencing. And that is the fundamental problem that I see happening.
How to Raise Strong, Unshakable Boys in Today's Culture, with Dr. Shefali Tsabary
