The Advice I Needed To Hear When I Felt Lost

All right, guys, welcome back to the Mantalk Show. I'm Connor Beaton and today I'm going to be sharing with you the advice that I really needed to hear when I was lost. Now, I remember being a young man, I think I was in like my early 20s and I was working construction. I grew up in central Alberta and Canada. And after I graduated high school, I really had no idea what the hell I was going to do with my life. And, and this isn't the only time that I've been lost in my life, right? I'm turning 40 this year. There's been many times throughout my life where I've been lost. But what I've noticed after my own experience of being lost in life a few times and after having worked with hundreds and thousands of guys who are like, I just feel lost in my career, in my relationship, and just in life in general, I feel rudderless. I've noticed that there's some things that really can help us get out of stuck, get out of feeling lost, getting out of feeling completely directionless. And so I'm going to share with you the things that I found over the years I really needed to hear when I was lost and some of the things that have really helped me. So the, the first time that I really felt lost in my life, you know, I was in a long term relationship. I was in my early 20s, I'd gotten out of high school, I had no idea what the hell I was going to do. I was working in a gravel pit in northern Alberta. So I was working construction, but like the worst kind because I was working night shifts and I was out doors. And I started in February where It was like minus 45 degrees Celsius at night. It was, it was really brutal. It was really terrible. And I spent a couple years working in this job and doing, you know, sort of various roles and responsibilities. And I remember thinking to myself, one, I hate this. I hate what I'm doing. Like, what am I doing here? It was brutal. It was brutal work. The guys that I worked with were, you know, assholes and addicts and you know, I didn't really like get along with any of them and they didn't get along with each other. It was pretty rough environment.

And I really kind of felt in my life like I didn't really have direction. It was interesting because during the winter we would, everybody would get laid off because you couldn't work because it was so cold and there was so much snow and so everybody would get laid off. And so it was A very wild experience where during the spring and the summer I'd have lots of work, you know, I'd be making some okay money. It wasn't great, but it was, you know, better than I thought. I would be making out of high school and, you know, I'm 20, 21, 22 years old. And during the summer I'd be working a ton. I'd be drinking and partying, spending time with my girlfriend, with my buddies. But I just felt like I had no direction. I was miserable. I didn't like what I was doing. I didn't really want to be in the relationship that I was in. And so I felt kind of stuck in a lot of ways. And during the winter, I would get laid off and I would have nothing to do. You know, buddies would be working, I'd be hanging out during the day, basically, like watching porn and playing video games. And it was pretty terrible. And I didn't really have a lot of drive or incentive to go and do other things. And I felt really lost. I didn't know what I wanted to do with a career long term. I didn't know I wanted to make of myself. I didn't know how to resolve the problems in my relationship. It just felt like nothing was really working. And so that's just a good window into a time in my life where I was super lost. And, you know, fast forward today, I've built this massive company and I am married and I have a son. And, you know, I have a life with a tremendous amount of direction that I really love. I have a car that I own. I have vacations that I go on that I love. I have an incredible group of friends, and I have a very clear direction of where I'm going and what I'm building and why I'm building it. And what lights me up, I have everything solved. That's not to say that, but these are some of the things that helped me get from there to here. These are some of the things that helped me get unstuck and find some clarity on the direction that I wanted to move my life. So the first thing that you need to know about being lost and getting unlost, which isn't really a word, but finding some direction is. It's okay. It's okay that you're lost. It's okay to be lost. And I mean that seriously, right? This doesn't mean that it's okay to be lost forever. You know, it doesn't mean that this is an enjoyable experience that you want to have. It simply is an acknowledgement. And I've learned this over the years in my own life and with the men that I've worked with. That the hatred that we can sometimes get and start to build internally towards feeling lost, towards not having direction, can be the very thing that is getting us, that's getting in the way of us finding some clarity, finding some direction, finding some momentum. And so that that hatred and anger towards, oh, why am I so lost? How come I can't figure out what I want to do? You know, I don't know what I want to do. I hate this. I like, I hate feeling like this. That sentiment is, is part of the barrier. That sentiment is the fog that's sort of creating this, this veil that prevents you from being able to see the direction that you're already moving in. And it becomes part of the veil that gets in the way of you being able to acknowledge some of the progress and some of the momentum that you might already be making. So the best thing that we can do, and what I wish somebody would have told me is like, it's okay that you're lost for a little bit. You know, it's okay that you don't have clarity on the direct that you want to be moving in, in your relationship or your career or your business, your vocation, whatever it is. The next thing that's very helpful is to get your bearings. To get your bearings anytime that you're lost. If you are out in the wilderness and let's say you've gone hiking or you've gone camping and you suddenly, and I've experienced this as well, I remember going hiking, I took myself camping for a six day trek into the wilderness in British Columbia on my own. And I rem going off trail and finding myself in a very interesting predicament where I suddenly realized I had no idea where the hell I was, didn't know where I was, didn't have cell phone reception.

Wasn'T really too sure what direction specifically I had come from. And it was a really unnerving sensation and experience to have because I was like, oh, like people know kind of where I am, but I've gone off track and I don't really have a sense of where. And so the best thing that we can do in those moments when we're lost is to get a sense of our bearings. Where have I come from? What do I know for sure? Where are you certain that you're headed? Right. Can you start to get a sense, if you use that analogy, of getting lost in the wilderness? Can you start to get a sense of what looks familiar, what feels familiar. Can you place yourself to. To. And opposed to an object? Right. That's a very helpful thing. So in your own life, what do you already know? Just start to write some of those things down. What do you know? What do you know is working? What do you know is not working? Where are you certain that you're headed? Right. Sometimes it's good to have some clarity of direction. Like, I remember in my life, I didn't really know what I wanted to do. I didn't know what dream I wanted to pursue. I didn't know what type of woman I wanted to be with, But I had a very clear picture of, like, if I keep going in this direction, I'm probably going to end up as an alcoholic. I'm going to keep working construction in a. In a vocation, in a job that I really don't like, with people that I don't like. And so I started to write some of that stuff down at like, 21, 22 and start to figure out, like, okay, I have some notion of where I'm heading. It's just not where I want to be heading at all. But that's still clarity of direction. I still have an understanding of some direction that I'm moving, and that is direction. The next piece of get your bearings is who's with you? Who's with you? Who's with you on the journey that you trust that can give you some insight. Right. When you're lost, you can ask questions of the people that are traveling with you through life and say, you know, I feel kind of lost. Why do you think I'm lost? Or what direction do you think I'm heading in? Or what direction do you think I should head in? What, what choices do you think that maybe it would be helpful for me to make? Or what has worked for you in your life when you were stuck? So getting a bearing can be very, very important. And just starting to build the picture of where am I and who's with me, and what direction am I actually heading right now. Because maybe as you start to write some of these things down, what you'll realize is, actually, I've saved some money and I've got some good experience in a job, even though I might not like it, and I have some good people in my life. And so slowly the picture will start to frame itself of like, oh, actually, I'm maybe not as lost as I thought I was. There's just some pieces missing. So start to write out what Your bearings are, who's with you? What do you already know? What direction? Are you certain that you're headed in all those pieces? And then next is, find a guide. Find a guide that you trust. Find a guide that you will listen to. And find a guide, whether it's an elder, a man, but specifically a man who has traversed and traveled through the territory of being lost. And this is super, super important, right? If you're wanting to go somewhere or get out of an experience that you found yourself in, it is incredibly helpful to find somebody who has traversed that territory before and found their way out. You know, it's like, if you've never gotten out of quicksand before, you probably want somebody in your life who knows how to get the hell out of quicksand. And not just conceptually, right? Not just like I read in a textbook somewhere, how to get out of quicksand, right? Because that's what some therapists are. That's what some psychologists and some coaches are. It's like I read something, you know, I took a certification and I conceptually know how to get unstuck, but I've never actually had to do that myself in my life. Find somebody who has the experience of getting out of that place, of being lost. That can be incredibly helpful. And you'll kind of get a sense of whether or not they have that experience in their life. Because as you ask questions, as you inquire about how they got out of that circumstance, it will become very clear. They'll either become more vague in their responses to you or they'll be able to give you very specific stories, actions. Here's what I did. Here's the action that I took. Here's what I found was helpful. Here's what was bullshit. So look for a guide. Next is as you start to take steps forward and you start to define and try things, right? Maybe you try a new job, maybe you explore getting some education or doing an apprenticeship with somebod. As you explore these things. The best thing that I found in my life was to fail forward, to take action and fail forward. I have found over the years for myself. And it's hard. It still is to this day. It's a very challenging thing. Sometimes that failure can be one of the most clarifying things in our life, right? If you are trying to get from point A to point B, and all of a sudden you find yourself way over at point C or somewhere, that's off the map. That failure is important information. And in our culture today, we have become so acclimatized especially as men to being, to buying into this idea that like you should know the answer and you should know it immediately and you should know what direction to take and you know failure is not an option and blah blah blah blah. No fail forward. I have failed my way to success over the years. I have failed my way to purpose, I failed my way to love. I failed my way in most areas of my life I have failed and listened to the failures, paid attention to the, the lessons of getting things wrong and had that kind of sculpt.

Sort of like fill in the map. It's like if you've ever played the video games where the map appears as you traverse into the new territory, right? You start off in this like very small piece of land and then as you explore the map reveals more of itself. There's more adventures, there's more possibilities, there's more sort of like bad gu and challenges that you need to face. Life is the exact same way and so you need to move in a couple different directions that might be wrong in the first place to be able to broaden the map, the broaden the territory that you are traversing in. And that can be incredibly, incredibly helpful. So take action and know you're going to get shit wrong, right? Know you're going to get stuff wrong. It's not about being perfect all the time. It is about you understanding that failure is equally as important, if not more important than the successes that you are going to have. So pay attention to those. And then lastly, this is one of my most, this was a hard one for me to learn, but adapt as you move. Adapt as you move. Rather than waiting for the perfect clarity or the perfect level of understanding. I know exactly what to do. Adapt as you move and make decisions. Maybe you start to date a woman that you think was a really good idea and then you're four weeks in, you're like, oh, this was not a good decision at all, right? Adapt as you move. Or you go into a work environment and you take on a project that maybe was too soon and you're under equipped for you can adapt as you do that. So as you start to fill in the map as we're talking about and fill in the territory and you're starting to fail forward. Adapt as you go. Your choices and your decisions don't need to be absolute. Your choices and your decisions can change and can alter based on where you're at in the journey. And the beautiful thing is is that if you have a guide, if you've started to Gain your bearings. If you're failing forward, your ability to choose is going to be expanded, Right? As you make all of these decisions, over time, your confidence level and your competence level in your ability to choose is going to get strengthened. So adapt as you move. And this is the last thing that I'll say about this. I've worked with a ton of men who are incredibly successful in all different walks of life, right? Finance, real estate, music, professional athletes, athletes, military guys. Like, it doesn't matter what field. I've worked with men in every single field. And the really, really, really incredible men that have clarity and direction in their lives are very versatile and very adaptable. They learn to be adaptable. The more rigid that you are and the more rigid that you become in terms of, I need to head in this direction, and things need to, you know, outcomes need to happen in a very specific way, the harder it's going to be for you to feel and know and understand that you have a direction. When we fixate on a direction, right, I gotta find my purpose. I, you know, want to be in a relationship. I want to make a million dollars. I want to get my body into the best shape of my life. When we become rigid in that pursuit, it becomes much, much harder. When we become adaptable in that pursuit and our ability to maneuver becomes more. We become more capable in our ability to maneuver, the better off we are. So develop this sense of adaptability. Now. This is a very important part because you can also be, you know, you can also get into, like, the pivot complex. And I see this a lot in young entrepreneurs where it's like, they use the word pivot to an nth degree. And it's part of the reason why they're lost because they're just constantly pivoting right. You're like, taking a right and then a left and then, you know, going forward and then moving backwards, and you're just, you know, it's very hard. So this is why you need a guide and you need to pay attention to failing forward because you need to know, am I too rigid or am I pivoting way too freaking often? Because that can be part of the reason why you are lost. So comment below. Man it forward. Share this video and this podcast episode with somebody that you know will enjoy it. Don't forget to like and subscribe to wherever you're listening to this or watching this. If you're watching this on YouTube or Spotify or itunes, please subscribe. And until next week, this is Connor Beaton signing off.