The Key To Dating An Avoidant Woman

All right, team, welcome to the Man Talk show. Connor Beaton here today we're going to be talking about the keys to dating avoidant women. Now, this is a topic that so many of you have asked for. So many men in the alliance, the online membership that I run, so many guys on Instagram, here on YouTube have said, how, what, how do I date an avoidant woman? What do I do? She shuts down, she pulls away. You know, how do I operate? And I'm going to lay this out today, and in the video, I'm going to talk about a couple things. I'm going to tell you what, what creates an avoidant woman. And then I'm gonna talk directly to you ladies and say, here are the things that you specifically need to do. I'm give you three things that you need to take action on in order to shift towards a more secure attachment. And then, guys, I'm gonna give you three things that you can implement and deploy in order to create and maintain connection. So this is something that I would really recommend that you listen to with your partner. So you might wanna send it to them, you might want to save it and, you know, watch it together, whatever that is, and however it looks like for you. But don't forget to subscribe and hit the bell notification to get notified when I drop more videos because I have a lot more coming around these types of topics. So where do we begin? Well, first and foremost, no, don't run. No, avoidant women are not damaged, they're not dangerous. They're, they're, they're not an issue. Uh, it's been very interesting to see the, the commentary and the narrative about avoidant attachment styles line men or women alike. It's been very interesting because anxious people don't generally get demonized for their anxious behaviors. However, avoidant attachment styles get demonized like nobody's business. They're called all kinds of things. And it was very interesting to see this dichotomy and this polarity emerge because I was once an avoidant person, but that, you know, this language wasn't really around. And so, no, they're not damaged. No, they're not broken. No, they're not dangerous. They are deploying. And this is really important. I'm going to get into what creates an avoidant woman. They are deploying a very specific protection strategy that kept them safe in their upbringing, in their primary attachment system, AKA their family system. And they learned some version of the following. Okay. In their attachment system, in their family system, avoidant women learned something like the following in order for me to be okay, I need to be alone or I can only be safe on my own or the only person that's going to meet my needs is me, or I am the only one I can really trust.

That's a big one, right? So that's what's going on in the world of an avoidant woman. She's not broken, she's not damaged, she's not defective. She just learned to protect herself by prioritizing and this is super important for what I'm going to describe later, by prioritizing self protection and.

Self protection and self strategies, meaning I will take care of my own needs above relationship connection. Okay? Self protection over relational connection. And we have to have a healthy balance of both. But for avoidant women, they have over indexed the self protection part. So let's talk about why. Very early on in life, what happens for a lot of avoidant women is that they were once girls who when they shared their needs, it got them hurt, it got them punished, it got them criticized or ostracized. Very common that they had.

A challenging relationship with dad, that maybe dad was inconsistent. Dad's love was harsh, it was performative, maybe it was dangerous because he was volatile, maybe it was manipulative or he was overly controlling. I've seen that with a lot of women where their fathers were very, very controlling and maybe it wasn't even to them directly. Quite common is is what I've seen is that a girl views her father being gaslighting, being manipulative, being controlling of her mom and that teaches her, oh, I can't tell him what I need. It's not safe for me to express what I want because he's going to do to me what he's doing to her. Now maybe she experiences those things directly, but she learns it's not safe for me to open up. It's not safe for me to be vulnerable. When I do speak my needs, when I do speak up and share myself authentically, I get punished, I get abandoned.

I get neglected in some way, shape or form, or I'm told that my needs don't actually matter directly or indirectly. So these are some of the experiences that will have created that. And one of the markers that you'll notice in avoidant women in the relationship is that they seem to cut off emotionally and even sometimes sexually. So it's quite common that more avoidant style women are a little bit emotionally disconnected. So whenever an emotional conversation happens or whenever there's an opportunity for them to express or expose I'M going to use that word specifically, expose themselves authentically, say what they want, say what they need, say what they desire, they retract and contract from that opportunity. So where more secure people are going to lean in and say, yeah, here's who I am, here's what I want, here's what I desire. It can sometimes feel like with avoidant women, you are only getting like 40 or 50% of them and there's this big part of them that you're just like, I don't really. No, like you seem like an enigma. And for a lot of men, that actually becomes part of the dysfunctional draw. You know that because for, and here's what I want to say about this, that I think I haven't seen anybody else talk about. Avoidant women tend to attract savior oriented men who perceive her to be a damsel in distress, but in a different way. We often think about the damsel in distress as the woman locked up in the tower, right? The woman who's anxious or she's afraid or she needs to be saved in this very direct way. But what happens for a lot of men is that when they see an avoidant woman, they can feel, you can feel that she's in there somewhere and she's stuck. And you can feel inside of you that she wants something that she is not getting. She wants closeness, she wants intimacy, she wants desire, she wants, you know, really deep love and to be known and to be understood because she's, she craves those things. And so for a lot of men, they can tell that and it becomes this instant spark and desire and this sort of deep yearning of I will save her from herself. I will pull her out of the internal prison that she is locked in. And when that happens, men get really stuck in the dance with her. And it's again, it's quite common that avoidant women will attract men who are a little more savior oriented and they will also attract men who take up a lot more emotional space. So guys that are watching this, if you have attracted an avoidant woman, it's quite possible, it's not a rule, but it's quite possible that you actually take up more emotional space than is necessary or needed in the relationship. And a lot of men end up filling the emotional void from the woman that they are dating. So they start to date a woman and they, you know, connection happens and this kind of internal spark gets lit like, oh, I'm going to save you from yourself, I'm going to pull you out of here, I'm going To show you, you know, I'm gonna show you what love is, right? And there's sort of like this noble quest. And all of a sudden a man can feel like he has a mission or, you know, or a function. He's gonna save, save this woman. And what ends up happening inevitably is that he ends up taking up more emotional space in the relationship. So he over talks, he over communicates. He can sometimes become more anxious than he normally would be in other relationships because he doesn't really know where she stands. He can get into this dynamic where he chase her or pursue her. And when all of that happens, it reinforces that avoidance, that avoidant woman's experience of, I need to protect yourself, I need to protect myself from you. And so that dynamic actually pushes her away. And so part of the role is you have to step out of the notion that you are going to save her. She needs to save herself. And she needs to save herself by choosing relationship and relationship connection over self protection. Okay, now it's gonna play into the strategies that I'm going to teach you in just a few moments because I'm gonna break down three things that ladies, you need to do and guys, you need to do. So let's get into that. First, what I want you to know is that as a couple, you need to have a conversation and some agreements about how you're going to lean into this. Because it's not one person's responsibility. Okay? Whenever we're with somebody has an anxious or an attachment or a disorganized style, it's not just their responsibility to fix it or figure it out. The healing happens in relationship, right? My mentor, Dewey Freeman, has a great saying. He says, we are hurt and wounded in relationship and we have to heal in relationship. That means that both of you, both parties have some responsibility to remedy and reconcile with the dance, with the avoidant dance. Okay? So have a conversation about how both of you are going to deploy some of the things that I lay out. So, ladies, let's start with you. Number one, the thing that you probably do not want to do, communicating your needs.

Now, you probably hear that and you're like, oh, I just want to shut this off immediately. But I'm going to give you a very specific strategy because what happens for a lot of women is they hear that and they're like, well, that's terrifying. That's the thing that I couldn't do growing up. It's the thing that I kind of have known that I've had to do for a very, very Long time. But I don't really know where to start. So you have to look at all the things that feel like the other person is going to reject you for, or punish you for, or abandon you for. Those are the things that need to start be being shared. But you have to do it in a way that is incremental. So where a lot of avoidant women go is, oh, I need to share the deepest, darkest thing. Like I have to share this big giant need. And that feels overwhelming. No, start with the really small, really clear, really like non threatening thing. And that might be, hey, I'd like to have a date night this week or I would like to go to this place for dinner or you know, it would really be helpful for me if we spent five minutes tonight go, you know, 10 minutes tonight going for a walk, talking about this video that we just watched. So start to communicate your needs, but start with the very small, very tangible, least threatening needs that you can share and then work your way up incrementally. It's just like going to the gym. If you, if you haven't been to the gym, you can't expect yourself to go and bench 225 immediately. Right? Or whatever the, you know, the analogy would be. You need to start by just maybe doing the bar. And so choose the really small things. So get a pen and paper, write out all the needs that you believe you have been avoiding in your relationship. All the things that you haven't communicated that you haven't let your partner in on. It could be sexual desires and fantasies. It could be about date nights. It could be about communication. Communication. It could be about connection, physical connection that you want more of. You know, the type of shows that you want to watch together or vacations you want to go on. Write it all down and then just choose one or two things that feel manageable for you to begin with, for you to start with and then start there. Okay. And guys, I'm just going to take a little caveat here, a little asterisk. What I want you to know is that what most avoidant women don't believe is that anyone really wants to know about their inner experience. Most avoidant women walk through the world with some type of story that sounds something like, it's not safe for me to let other people know me or other people just genuinely don't care about who I am. And so I'll never really be understood, I'll never really be known and it's just safer for me not to express, express those things. So there's a threat to sharing who she is. There's a threat to your woman sharing what she desires, what she needs, what she wants in the relationship, and from you. And so know that anytime that she communicates a need to you, anytime that she says hey, I'd really love to do X or do you think that we can try out Y, she's expressing a need. And that is super, super serious. All right, so take it seriously.

Next, Shifting from self protection to relational connection. This is number two, ladies, shifting from self protection to relational connection. You learned very early on in life that relationship is done best when you protect yourself over the relationship. That usually means things like ignoring conflict, avoiding it altogether, not having the hard conversations, not saying what you want or need. It usually means that when a partner is upset with you or disappointed that you shut down, that you judge them, that you criticize them, that you make them wrong for it. And you will generally over prioritize the things that keep you safe versus the things that will foster that the relationship and allow the relationship to really thrive. So you need to get clear on what does my relationship really need? And this can be a great journaling question for you to ask. What does my relationship really need? Does it need me to start to create more opportunities for physical connection? Maybe that's just a daily hug. Maybe that's making out, you know, with your partner when you come home. Maybe it's, whatever it is, you know your relationship better than anybody else, but what does your relationship really need? And then starting to deploy some of those things on top of noticing when you want to move towards self protection and cut relational connection. Generally speaking, you are probably going to want to do this when there's any type of, of conflict or disagreement or disappointment or, and this is the tricky one, when there is a new path emerging. So when opportunities for connection, for real intimacy, for you to be known start to emerge, when real relational connection starts to emerge and your partner says, hey, I really tell me about your day. You know, how are you feeling today? It's in those moments that the self protection strategies are going to come online and say, just say, fine, don't tell them how I really feel. You know, don't tell them what's really going on, don't tell them what I'm really thinking.

And so you have to sort of combat that automatic instinct to move towards self protection and choose relational connection. And, and you might even want to say it out loud like, hey, I feel like I want to shut down right now, but I'm going to prioritize connecting with you, because that's my commitment. And so even saying something like that is a, you know, setting up the smoke signal to your partner. Like, I'm about to make an effort. I'm about to try to connect with you relationally. And that can be really, really helpful. Number three is lean into conflict and not away. Okay? Lean into conflict and not away. And I know that this is a hard one. I know that a lot of your upbringing has likely conditioned you to believe that conflict is dangerous, unhealthy, pointless, useless, not productive, whatever else the narrative is, and that you are better off by not engaging with it. But the reality is that there's no change without confrontation. No change without confrontation. And the real big thing that I want you to know is part of repairing your. Your relational, sorry, your attachment wound is by going through conflict in a healthy way. This is the thing that most avoidance do not understand, and most people who work with avoidant attachment issues miss out on entirely. Part of healing your avoidant attachment wound is about learning how to do conflict effectively. Because when you did conflict or saw conflict growing up, it was not done effectively. It was not resolved, it was dangerous, it was harmful. It was all of those things. And so you learned either not to engage with it at all, or you learned that when it starts to spin up that you disconnect entirely. So you have to choose to lean in when conflict happens. I'm not saying create conflict. I'm not saying create, you know, situations where conflict is going to arise. I'm not saying any of that. I'm saying that when the natural conflict and disconnection of your relationship happens, that you choose to lean into it. And you might even, again, you might even signal it by saying to your partner, you know what? I feel like shutting down to this conflict or this disconnection, but I'm going to lean in. I'm going to stay here with you even though it's really hard, hard for me. And we'll see. We'll see how much I can do. And that might be very helpful again, for your partner to just know, oh, she's staying. She's leaning in. A couple things that might help you in terms of how to navigate conflict and create healthy conflict. Number one, do not wait more than 48 hours to repair or reconnect. The best relationships are the ones that go through conflict well. And part of going through conflict well is not letting conflict linger for 7, 10, 15, 20 days. Right? Try and address it within 24 hours, 48 max. Now, if you are the avoidant partner. My challenge for you ladies is to lean into the repair. So that means that you actively create the connection with your partner that when there's been some type of disconnection, some type of rupture, maybe, you know, you shut down, maybe you criticize them, maybe you did something, maybe they did something. Regardless of who did what, that you lead the repair, you lean in and say, you know what? I would like for us to repair this. Are you open to talking about what happened? That is going to be a big shift from what your partner is used to. And again, listen to that. Again, write the statement down. Find your own words for it. But using statements like that can be very, very helpful. Hey, I would like to repair from this disconnection. Are you open to talking about what happened, or are you open to repairing what just happened? And that is going to be you leaning into the conflict and not away from it. All right, ladies. Thank you, guys. Your turn. Um, let's get into the three things that you can do. The big thing that I want to preface with number one, is to create more space for her emotions and her internal experience. Again, very common that avoidant women attract more emotionally expressive men who take up more emotional space in the relationship and talk about their internal experience a lot more. So they kind of fill in the gap for, you know, their avoidant partner. And so your work, it's not to pull the nets in and not share at all. That's not what I want to advocate for. It's tempering what it is that you share and when you share it, by specifically creating more opportunities for her to share her internal reality, her experience, her emotions, her feelings than yours. Because what a lot of guys try and do is maybe I'll. If I just talk about my day enough, maybe she'll share hers with me. Now, second thing that I want to say about this, that is super important. I cannot stress enough. Move from questions to statements. Move from questions to statements. What do I mean about that? Instead of saying, hey, babe, how do you want to tell me about your day? Hey, babe, do you want to tell me about how you're feeling? Move from asking that question, which pushes her into her head and the answer for any avoidant is unequivocally, no. No, I don't want to tell you about how I feel. No, I don't want to tell you about how. What's going on inside, right? By simply asking the question, hey, do you want to tell me about how you're feeling? You're activating her protective Strategy. You're activating that protective part in her that says, don't let people really in. Don't express what I'm feeling, because that's not safe. So by moving to tell me about your day, tell me about how things are going with your mom. Tell me about how you're feeling, you know, with regards to the situation at work. Tell me about how you're feeling with this challenge that you're having with our daughter or our son. You are creating a foundation where you're continuing to communicate to her. It's safe for you to tell me and I want to know. I'm not saying, hey, do you want to do that? I'm telling you, I want to know what's happening inside of you. Right? Tell me about X, tell me about why. So start to use more statement oriented language with the woman that you're dating who's an avoidant and what you'll do over time. And it might ruffle her a little bit at first. It might be a little like, no, I don't want to tell you about that. Or, you know, she might be like, I don't want to talk about that right now. If she says no or she says, I don't want to talk about that right now, don't take it personally. Just say, okay, well, I want to hear about it. So tell me when you're ready to talk about it. Okay, again, I want to hear about it. So tell me when you're ready to talk about it. You are creating structure, solidness, and you are building trust that it's safe for her to communicate how she's feeling and that you genuinely care. Remember, most avoidant women are walking through the world with the perspective that nobody genuinely cares about their experience, what they're feeling internally, and it's not safe for them to divulge those things to the people who, that they love. Number two, give thanks instead of criticism. Give thanks instead of criticism. What a lot of men do with avoidant women is they try and criticize their avoidant woman into change or they move into a place of helplessness and hopelessness. So many men that I have worked with and seen over the years who have an avoidant wife or girlfriend or, or partner, they're like, this is never going to change. This is just hopeless. You know, she's never going to open up. There's nothing I can do. And they say that to their partner, which reinforces, it's not safe. You're never going to change, you're reinforcing. Just stay where you are. Because it's not. It's not, you know, it's not safe for you out here. Whereas when you start to deploy thanks, gratitude, appreciation, and I really mean for the small things. Okay. I'm not just talking about the big stuff, of course. Thanks for that, but the thanks for, like, hey, you know, you put your head on my shoulder this morning when we were laying in bed. I really appreciated that. That was. That was nice. That felt really good. She'll be like, oh, yeah, he noticed that. That was great. Or, hey, thanks so much for, you know, just telling me about how your day was. It was really nice to hear how you're feeling about work. Or, you know, I really appreciated how what you shared this morning about your thoughts on what's happening in politics or like, whatever it is, right, Whatever she, whatever little breadcrumbs she starts to let out and she starts to communicate to you about you, thank her and appreciate and give gratitude for all of those things because you are telling her by doing that, that her internal reality is welcome in your. Your relationship. Yeah, I'm going to say that again. Her internal reality is welcome in your relationship. And she can only really trust that and feel safe with that. If you are encouraging her through praise and appreciation, the criticism is going to keep her in the foxhole. All right, number three, super simple. Be very clear about your expectations.

For a lot of women who are avoidant, they never really knew what the expectations were. They didn't really have a sense of, like, well, if I do this or say that, is dad going to be pissed? Am I going to get yelled at? Am I going to get abandoned? Am I going to get chewed out, you know, or am I going to get neglected again if I express what I want and need? And so the expectations are often very, very unclear. So the more clear that you can get on your expectations, hey, I expect us to address this conflict. Or, hey, I expect us to have a conversation about our finances. Or, hey, I expect us to have a conversation about our sex life. Hey, I expect us to go on a date once a week. How do you feel about that? The more you are clear about your expectations, the more that you give her an opportunity to communicate where she's at. Does she agree with that? Does she feel like that's too much? Is she on board with that? Like, how does she relate to those things? If you are ambiguous or you try and criticize her to meet your expectations, you will reinforce the original wound and she will stay stuck. If you communicate your expectations in a clear way, that Aren't reactive, that aren't combative, that aren't passive aggressive. And you just say, hey, here's what I expect. How do you feel about that? You know, I expect us to go out for a date once a week. How do you feel about that? Or I expect us to, you know, go on a vacation this summer. How do you feel about that? You will start to open up conversations where she has the opportunity to, in a safe way, engage with expectations, engage with your needs, your wants, your desires, and communicate how she feels in relationship to them. All right, so those are the three main things, men, that you can do. And then the last thing is just don't chase. No, it's easier said than done. But there's a part of you that is going to want to chase her, going to want to pursue her, going to want to try and change her or fix her or solve her and get her to open up. That is her work. Your work is to create the opportunities and the openings for her internal reality to be invited into your relationship, to give thanks when she does. Create connection emotionally, mentally, physically, sexually, or otherwise. And be clear about where you stand. Right. What is okay and what's not okay with you. If she's shutting down and, you know, there's like a little disagreement and she blows up and she's like, I can't talk to you right now, and she leaves, or she acts in a way that is out of alignment with the relationship, you need to be clear that that is not okay. Right. So one of the things that you can do is around being clear about your expectations. You can say, hey, my expectation is that when we get into conflict, you don't go radio silent on me for five days. That's not okay. So expectations stand for. They're. They're kind of like the boundaries in the relationships of what's okay and what's not okay. And it'll let her know where you stand. So man it forward. Share this episode with somebody that you know will enjoy it. Share it with your partner. Listen to it with them, or separately from them. Take notes, have a conversation about it and comment below. Let me know what you thought. What would you like me to address next? And don't forget to subscribe. Hit the bell notification on YouTube or on whatever channel that you are on so that you do not miss these episodes. I don't want them to get lost in the algorithm. All right, until next week. Connor Beaton signing off.