The Mother Wound Destroying Most Men's Relationships

Over the years, I've had so many men say some version of, "I'm just not good at relationships. I just can't seem to make them work," or, "I'm in a marriage, I'm in a relationship, we've been together for a long time, but the same shit seems to be happening over and over again. The same conflict. I can't seem to get my needs met. It's hard for me to feel happy in the dynamic." And the truth is that you're not bad at relationships. The truth is that you've been wired in a way to deploy dysfunctional behaviors and expectations. And this is what's called the mother wound. The truth is that at the very core of your intimate relationships, the very foundation of it was the first relationship you ever had with a woman, which is the relationship to your mom. So today I'm gonna be breaking down what the mother wound is, how it forms, the different types, And I'm gonna give you specific actions that you can take to end this battle because you're not dysfunctional, you're not bad at relationships, you're not terrible at these things. You have just been wired and conditioned to deploy certain behaviors and have certain beliefs and expectations about women and your relationship to them. So before we dive in, don't forget to hit the subscribe button, the like button, and the bell notifications so you can get notified when I drop more videos. I almost hate to ask, but the truth is, in the age of AI slop and garbage, I hope that you are somebody that would rather watch content intentionally, content that you want versus more mindless garbage. So let's dive into it. A lot of guys will say, you know, I don't think my relationship with my mom was that bad. But here's the truth. And here's the thing that I want you to know. You didn't really learn the foundation of how you're going to do relationships or what you're gonna expect from women from your first girlfriend or even from the women that you hang out with at work. You learn them from your mother. And the research is pretty clear on this. The neuroscience is very clear on it. The first 3 years of your life will have created the neurological and nervous system imprint on how you are going to show up in relationships, what you learn to expect from them. And this can be a hard thing for a lot of guys to come into contact with. You know, they hear that and they think, well, then what the hell am I supposed to do about it? Like if my blueprint and foundation for how I relate to women was formed before I had language and before I have any memory of it, what am I supposed to do with that? Well, the truth is that these are just behavioral patterns that you can shift, that you can change. And what we can see is the way that your mom interacted with you, held you, took care of you, prioritized your needs, tended to you when you were upset, that is going to deeply imprint itself onto you and affect you. Because the truth is that there's a kind of invisible umbilical cord that exists between you and your mother for the first 3 years of your life. And what neuroscience has shown is that this is one of the most formative, if not the single most formative times neurologically in your brain, where your brain is wiring a tremendous amount specifically around relationships. Am I safe in relationship? Do my needs matter? Can I trust relationship? Is the world safe and okay? And a lot of that is happening specifically with your mother and your primary caretaker. So her imprint on you is massive. If she's chronically anxious for the first couple years of your life, that will have affected you. If she was kind of avoidant and disconnected and not really present to your needs and what you wanted, that will have affected you. If she's somebody who was volatile and kind of all over the place and you didn't, you know, as a, as a baby, as an infant, you didn't know if you're going to get happy mom or yelling mom or, you know, leaving you alone by yourself mom, that will have affected you. And so the truth that I want you to understand is that you're not just dating that woman, you're not just married to that woman, you are dating your nervous system. You're in relationship to how your nervous system responds to a woman. And a lot of that is at a very deep, neurological and unconscious level. Another way of saying this, and for some of you this might be a massive one, and for others it's going to be a little bit, uh, it's going to be a little bit more like nuanced, um, your type is your trauma. So how you choose women, yes, is consciously. Every man has a framework of what they want from a woman, uh, you know, you, you have some likes, desires. You want somebody that's kind and you want somebody that's nurturing and you want somebody that's gonna go on adventures with you and funny or whatever it is, whatever your type is. But your type is also based off of your pain, based off of your unmet needs. And you might not have, you might not be somebody that's like, yeah, I definitely have trauma because of my mom growing up. You might hear that and think, my mom was pretty great. Like, my mom was, was pretty solid and there wasn't anything major, but the truth is that your type is your wound. So if the word trauma doesn't relate to you, that's totally fine, but your type is your wound. And so your wound, your pain, your insecurities, your fears, those things choose your partner too. And they start to form and inform the type of women that you decide. And what I have seen is that men that have a lot of repressed or hidden trauma, men that have undealt with wounds specifically with women and even more specifically with their mother, those patterns are at the forefront of choosing the women that you are with. And they are at the forefront of your behaviors, and it's why it is so damn confusing. So I'm gonna break down a couple different archetypes that will help you to understand the different types of mother wounds that are driving your life in your relationship. So the first one is the guy who is obsessed with emotionally unavailable women. You find yourself in these dynamics with women that are kind of aloof and shut down. They pull away. The closer you get, the harder they become to sort of engage with. And there's almost something intoxicating and addictive about trying to, you know, win with these women. And what you learned growing up, what this equates to, is that you learned that love equals distance. Love equals distance. So if you're a man that is just constantly pursuing these women, or you're in a relationship and you've been in a relationship with a woman who just constantly feels emotionally unavailable, she's not really open, it's hard to get her to open up, she pulls away frequently, she uses space as a kind of protective strategy anytime conflict happens, you learned early on that love equals distance. And it's very likely that your mother was more distant. Maybe she had a lot of other children to tend to, maybe she had postpartum depression and she was shut down, maybe she just didn't know how to care for your needs very early on in life. And so what you learned in those formative years, in those first 3 years, is love equals distance. And so that becomes a normal state in your nervous system that you become attracted to. The next one is the guy who shuts down when things get intimate, when things get close, when things get emotional. So maybe you are the guy that's, you know, you're married, you're dating a woman, or you date a lot of women, and as soon as they start to get emotional, they start to bring up how they feel, maybe they communicate their love for you, maybe they start to communicate how happy they are in their relationship, or they start to communicate disappointment, something's wrong, something's missing, they're wanting more of something, then you start to shut down and pull away. What you will have learned early on, the mother wound for you is that emotion equals pain. Danger. Emotions are dangerous. And you are very likely the type of guy that also withholds your emotion. You're not overly expressive. You're not overly communicative with her about what you're feeling emotionally because you learned early on in life emotions are dangerous. So you very likely had a mother who was very volatile emotionally, or she is what I called the smother mother. Her emotions controlled, dominated, took up a ton of space, and you constantly felt like you were having to kind of, you know, push her away in some way. Maybe she was chronically, you know, trying to be overprotective of you and not let you really take risks because she was so afraid and so worried. And so you will have learned that emotions equal danger, and that's the mother wound. All right, guys, really quick aside. First off, thank you so much for tuning in to the show and to the channel. If you are wanting to go deeper, if you're a man that's working on himself in some way, shape, or form, you're wanting to be more self-led, you want to trust yourself more, you want to have a deeper level of self-worth, or maybe you're looking to improve your relationship, then I encourage you to check out the Man Talks Alliance. You can go to mantalks.com/alliance. We have over 1,000 men in this incredible community from around the world, men who are just like you, working to better themselves, to be a better husband, a better father, a better leader, in your own life. So check it out, mantalks.com/alliance. The next one is the nice guy. The nice guy who bends over backwards, the nice guy who's constantly trying to people please. And you are likely the guy that is very much trying to get everything right and never feeling like it's going well. It's like nothing you ever do is good enough. And what your system learned, what your neurology and your nervous system learned was love equals performance. I have to perform for love, and that is the wound. So these are the 3 primary wounds that I see happen over and over again. Love equals distance, love equal, or emotions equal danger, and love equals performance. The last one is that love equals chaos. Love equals chaos. So you might bounce and oscillate between all 3 of these. You might find yourself being repulsed or afraid of a woman's emotions. You might find yourself performing to try and get love and affection, and you might find yourself constantly going after women that pull away a little bit and create distance, or you're creating distance, and/or that, you know, you're needing to really work for that love. And so you love bomb and you text bomb and, you know, you do all the things. And you can find yourself oscillating. So you learn that love equals chaos. And if that's the case, then you had a mother that early on in life was wildly inconsistent, wildly inconsistent. She would be loving and nurturing, she'd be hostile, she'd be disconnected. And you just, your system could never land, your nervous system and your neurology could never land in a safe place of here's what I expect. Because again, when you're an infant, when you're a baby, your whole mind and body are wiring for a relationship through the relationship with your mother. And what they're trying to get is consistency. They're trying to get predictability of here's what I can expect. And the first 3 of these, emotions equal danger, love equals distance, love equals performance, those were the predictable environments that you were in. And so your behaviors, how you would relate to women, your choices, your actions, what you come to expect were all predicated on that type of behavior growing up. Now, the last one is, one more, is that the guy who sabotages the good thing. I definitely was this guy. This was my mother wound. You get yourself into a relationship, you get yourself into a dynamic, it's good, but you find yourself just messing it up constantly. You pick fights, you argue, you pull away, you know, you do, you make certain choices that you know are going to sabotage the relationship, whether it's texting some toxic ex or whatever it is. And what you learned early on in life is that love is instability. Now here, instability is different than chaos, okay? Chaos is real disorganized attachment. Chaos is like, you know, everything is changing all the time. You can never really get a grasp on what's going on. And that chaos is sometimes, often connected with some type of trauma. Some type of trauma happened in the household, you know, whether it was extreme yelling, physical violence, et cetera, but the instability is just, there's inconsistency and you're not really too sure what's happening, you're not really too sure what to expect. So all of this isn't random, right? All of these wounds are created through conditioning. And this is why attachment theory has been so prominent and so helpful, because what we're really talking about is secure attachment is where we wanna go, But these mother wounds are different forms of insecure relating, different forms of insecure attachment. And this is why you continue to feel bad in relationships, to feel like you're not good at relationships. You keep losing good women, or you keep pushing them away, or you keep messing up the relationships that you have. This happens because of one simple thing that is at the heart and soul of the mother wound, regardless of which one you identify with. And that is that your system has been calibrated for chaos, inconsistency, distance, but it has been calibrated to look for the wrong thing, okay? Your system, your nervous system and your neurology have been calibrated to look for a relationship that's insecure, and it's not because you're broken. It's because peace and ease and security feels unfamiliar. That's the really big part that I want you to hold onto, okay? You're not broken. You're not bad at relationships. Your nervous system and your neurology were literally calibrated. They were programmed right out the gates to seek insecurity versus security. Security. So every time you overreact, every time you shut down, every time you get anxious and you text-bong, every time that you feel— text-bong? I think I said text-bong. Text-bomb. I mean, I guess maybe you could text-bong. Every time you feel like you're too much or that you're not enough, you're not responding to her in the right way, what's happening is that you're responding to a memory. You're responding to an imprint in your neurology and in your nervous system of a younger version who said, "This is what love feels like to me. This is what love feels like to me." And so your nervous system and your brain have been conditioned to get aroused, to come online, to think that love is that insecure state. So another way of saying this is that The mother wound produces a faulty relational picking system. All right, so like your ability to identify a woman that you can have a stable, peaceful, intimate, deep connected relationship with has been skewed. And what you will be drawn to, the fire, the flame, the light that the moth inside of you is drawn to is a woman that's going to reproduce that insecure state. All right, so you're not bad at relationships. Your picker, the nervous system and the brain inside of you, has said, ah, that's what feels familiar. And here's the real thing: you have two options. You can repeat the pattern over and over and over again, which is likely what you've done, or you can begin to break it. and I'm gonna teach you how to do that specifically. But what I want you to remember is that there's no shame in this. We're not trying to blame mom. We're not putting the fault on her. The truth is that most of your moms, your mom probably did a great job. Your mom probably did the best that she could. You're probably sitting here listening to this and you're like, I don't wanna blame my mom. And that's totally okay. You don't have to blame her. The truth is just that there was a pattern of behavior that created insecure attachment. And your mom may have been great when you were 7 and 10 and 15, but the first couple years of life, for whatever reason, something got missed and it created an insecure attachment style that caused your system to move towards women or engage with women in this way that is more insecure, okay? So what do we do? Number 1, get very honest about your pattern. Get honest about your pattern. Stop saying stuff like, "I attract crazy women," or, "I can just never make it work with women," or, you know, "I'm not able to communicate what I want and need." Stop running the same script. Get very clear on your pattern. What is the pattern? And so go back into this video and identify, if you haven't already done so already, which pattern you really deploy. Does love equal performance? Are emotions dangerous? Which one did you identify with? And then what behaviors coincide with that? What do you do? What do you say? What do you expect? Because the truth is, you need to be able to identify the type of women and the situations that your system is drawn to that's creating the dysfunction, that's creating the unwanted behaviors and outcomes, okay? So get very clear on that pattern. The second thing is, and this is a little bit more challenging, but it's absolutely possible and you can do it quickly, you have to learn to tolerate healthy love. You have to learn to tolerate healthy love. Again, the core mother wound is that it produces a nervous system and brain that wants women that create arousal based off of insecurity, based off of there's something missing, I have to perform, there's dangerous emotions, et cetera. But the truth is that healthy love is consistent, it's stable, it's calm, it's available, and it reinforces that your needs are important. And for a lot of men, this is going to feel uncomfortable. This might feel very, very uncomfortable for you. To the point where you start to ask for your needs to be met and your partner starts to meet them. You're like, "Hey, I want you to give me more physical affection. I want you to touch me more, hug me more, kiss me more. I really want that." And she starts to do that. It might be confronting for you and uncomfortable for you to receive. That is the work. The other thing about this that's really important in terms of tolerating healthy love is I want you to start to look in the different places. I want you to start to look in different places. For most men that have insecure attachment, again, because your nervous system and your mind gets sort of, and when I'm using the term aroused, I mean activated, I don't necessarily mean sexually aroused, because your mind and your nervous system have been conditioned to pursue relational dynamics and situations that are more insecure, that repeat that pattern of that mother wound, safe, secure, easy love feels foreign. It might even feel boring to you. It might even feel like, how could that possibly be it? That seems like it's too easy. And I hear this from a lot of men of like, you know, it just felt too easy. You know, it was like, it felt safe. Yes. So in order to choose a woman that, you know, if you are single, or in order to start to really build and foster a dynamic with the woman that you are already dating or married to, what you want to start to move towards is producing safety. Producing safety in having your needs met, in creating connection, and that should really be the North Star. How do you want to feel prioritized by that other person? How do you want to feel protected by the other person? How do you want to feel admired by the other person? But all of that should be in the context of safety. Now, for a lot of you, you're going to think to yourself, well, safety doesn't really sound sexy. And that might be true. But for every single one of you, safety is going to be the battleground. It's going to be the place that feels really uncomfortable? Can you feel safe and ask for your needs? Can you end the performance and feel safe? Can you be with her emotions and feel safe? Can you express your emotions and feel safe? So safety becomes the foundation which creates stability instead of that instability that you are constantly putting yourself in, that your brain and your nervous system has said, Ah, this feels familiar. Again, your brain and your body are going to move you towards familiarity over the unfamiliar. So you have to start to do the work to move towards the unfamiliar safe territory. Step number 3, stop earning love. You do not have to prove your worth. You do not have to perform to get love, to get your worth acknowledged, to get your needs met. And you don't have to become some guy that she will choose. You really have to focus in on becoming the man that you want to be for you, finding your own connection to this is who I want to be. These are the things that I like. These are the things I want to pursue. These are the things I want to do. And as you develop a deeper quality of agency, that agency will create stability and draw in the woman that you are with. When you are trying to earn love or you don't trust love, what you are really communicating is, "I need to control her or myself in order to get the outcome that I want." And when we are trying to earn love, we are performing and we never actually allow love to land. We never actually believe it. We never actually trust it. So what we really need to do, the action that you need to take within this category is to start to really ask for the things that you need, want, and desire, start to embody those things, and start to prioritize those things. And as you do that, the woman that you are with or that you are dating or you are attracting can actually land into it. And you'll be able to see that she can meet your needs versus let me try and earn this, because you'll never trust anything that you can earn. So in closing, what I really want you to take from this is at the core, at the epicenter, and I will do a bigger video on the mother wound. I can do a deeper dive. But what I really want you to take from this is your nervous system and your brain have been conditioned to seek that insecure style, and you do not have to continue to choose that. Get aware of the pattern, start to prioritize safety, and start to express your needs, wants, and desires in a very clear way. And as you do those 3 things, what will happen is that the relationship will move more and more towards a secure style of connection, and you will feel no longer like, "I can't do relationships, I attract the wrong women." You will really start to understand Oh, it was just the blueprint that I was given. I don't have to operate like that anymore. So don't forget to man it forward. Share your comments below. What are you taking from this and what are you implementing today? Till next time, Connor Beaton signing off.