The Nice Guy Trait No One Talks About

Today I want to talk about one of the main things that I think many men come up against and bump up against when it comes to getting their needs met in their relationship. And it's a very simple thing, but it's very challenging thing. So to begin, I want to talk about the concept of neglect. One of the more insidious things, one of the more hidden aspects of neglect, right? So say you grew up in a household where you were left alone for days on end, or, you know, your parents didn't spend a lot of time with you, they were chronic workers, or they weren't really around very much, or they were an addict, or, you know, you were one of like 10 kids, and so you didn't actually get a lot of time with that parent. One of the challenges that comes along with this is that we learn that our needs aren't that important. Important, right? So maybe you're a kid that starts to bring your needs to your parents and they aren't able to meet those needs. One of the insidious things about the nature of neglect is that it begins to teach you as a young boy and as a young man that your needs aren't inherently important or welcome within intimate relationships. And so I think one of the most untalked about, unlooked at aspects of the nice guy is. And the nice guy archetype and nice guy syndrome is that that man, that nice guy is often a man who was a child, who was a boy who was neglected in some way. And the challenge with neglect is that it becomes something that you carry on. It becomes a legacy that you then carry on. So a lot of the men that I've worked with, that I've talked to over the years that have, you know, dealt with some form of neglect in their earlier lives. And I think this is the thing that I should probably mention. For most of us, neglect is like this hidden aspect. We don't even think about it because it was just how things were. You know, it's like, oh, I was just alone, you know, from after school until I went to bed. And then my mom would come home and she would put me to bed. Or, you know, I was just alone and I had to make dinner for myself at the age of eight. And we don't even think about the sort of ramifications of what that might have done to us as a child. And. And what that may have done for our ability to build and form healthy, grounded and committed and connected relationships. So neglect becomes something that we oftentimes don't even Think about. And the insidious part of it is that we carry it on in our own lives. So because we learn early on in our life that our needs aren't important, that our needs don't really matter, that what we want, what we desire, what we crave doesn't really matter, when we get into a relationship with somebody that we really love and care about, we begin to do this really gnarly cycle, which is that we over invest in the other person. We give them a lot of time, you give them a lot of attention, you maybe you buy them things, you take them places, adventures that they want to go on, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. But there's no expectation or there's no asking for them to invest in you in return. And so your needs become hidden. They sit in the background of the relationship, and this becomes the thing that you eventually become resentful for and angry about and needy about, right? And so all that behavior that starts to manifest in the relationship, over texting, her, complaining and criticizing for, you know, not getting enough sexual attention, or not doing the things that you want to do in the relationship, or not watching the TV shows that you want to watch, or go to the restaurants that you want to go to, all of those things come out of this space of you feel neglected and you feel neglected by the other person. But specifically, and this is the hard part, you have a history of neglecting yourself. You have a history of neglecting your own needs, your own wants, the things that are authentic to you, right? Waking up on a Saturday and genuinely want to go for a hike or go rock climbing or go play football or, you know, go read some specific book and then negating that, not actually following through with it. And so if you look at your own life, one of the things that we need to start to do in order to curb the nice guy syndrome, and also one of the things that can be the single most attractive thing in our, in our relationship to our partner is to start to prioritize what our needs are to see. Where am I neglecting my myself, my needs, my wants, my desires? Where am I neglecting the things that are authentically true for me? Where am I neglecting my perspectives and my beliefs and not bringing them into the relationship or into my work environment or what have you. So we need to start to really pay attention to that. And it might be a good exercise for you to sit down and write out all of the ways in which you've been neglecting yourself. And then that that will very clearly give you things that you can begin to prioritize, right? Actions that you can begin to take, conversations that you can begin to have, connections that you can begin to build. So all of this will begin to give you the sort of fodder and the real life data that you need in order to implement. Because for a lot of guys are like, I don't know how to get my needs met in a relationship. Well, maybe consider if you take it one step back, that you actually maybe don't fully know what your needs are because you have been so conditioned to neglect your needs, to see them as not important, to see them as something that doesn't necessarily matter when it comes to intimate relationships. So you have to be willing to first see that and then second, you have to be willing to prioritize those things for yourself. And, and the more that you do that, the more that you show to your partner through your own actions, through your own decisions, through your own behaviors, hey, my needs matter and I'm prioritizing my own needs. The more likely it is that your partner is going to be able to meet those needs for you. Because now she can see what they actually are. Because you'll start to communicate them. You'll start to communicate what's important. Like the other day last week, my wife, we had, we had just gone on vacation to Hawaii. My son didn't sleep at all through the entire trip. I was exhausted. I was like, that was my vacation, you know, for the year, and it was completely disrupted. I got no more than five and a half hours of sleep per night. Like, that was not what I was expecting. And so my wife immediately was like, oh, okay, why don't you go away solo for the weekend, you know, this upcoming weekend. She's like, why don't we just go away? And I was like, oh, okay, yeah, that sounds great, thanks. And she's like, I'll hold down the fort at home. I'll watch our son, then you can go and do your thing. But that's me communicating. I needed that vacation. I was very open with her. I said, I really needed that vacation. I've worked really hard this year and I need some time to rest. And so I didn't even necessarily have to ask for, hey, can I go away for this weekend? Or I'm going to go to Miami for the weekend or I'm going to go and rent a cabin. I didn't even need to say, here, here's what I need to do. She could hear what my needs were because we, we have Built a dynamic where I have communicated what I need over time. And she's been able to tune into those things. Because the more that I prioritize my needs for myself, and I do this on a regular basis where I'm like, oh, I'm going to go for a hike this morning. I'm going to go meet up with a buddy for coffee or go grab dinner with him or go catch a movie or go to a museum or art gallery. When I prioritize those things. When you as a man prioritize the things that matter to you in your life and you send a signal to your partner that says, my needs matter, my needs are important. And when you don't do those things, when you neglect your own needs and wants within yourself for yourself, you sort of teach and train your partner that your needs don't matter. And then you likely put a tremendous amount of pressure on them to meet your needs, because you're not meeting your own needs. You're not following through with what you know you need and want. So if you're in a relationship, one of the things I would recommend is having a conversation with your partner and saying, listen, I'm not very good at meeting my own needs. And I think I may have been a little neglected as a kid growing up. And so I've. I've kind of learned. I'm realizing I've learned to. To actually neglect my own needs, which is kind of crappy, and I don't want to do that anymore. So I'm going to start to prioritize the things that really matter to me. And I want you to know that it's not going to come at the cost of our relationship. Although sometimes I might be away or doing my own thing or, you know, not be available for a date or whatnot. But I'm going to start to prioritize the things that really matter to me, that are important to me. And the more that you do that again, the more your partner will start to feel safe and secure, the more that she will feel like she's not fully responsible for meeting all of your needs or making you happy. Because that's traditional and classic nice guy, right? They turn their partner into their therapist and their coach and, you know, know, their financial advisor and their massage therapist and their friend and just everything, right? The nice guy wants their partner to be absolutely everything for them and to figure out what their needs are before they even know what they want. So see where potentially neglect has shown up in your life. See how you have been neglecting your own needs and why that has been happening. Write out what those things are. Right, I need to go hiking once a week. I need to do some breath work. You know, I want to go do some yoga. I need to go to the gym a couple times a week. I need to go hang out with my guy friends, you know, once every couple weeks. Write out what some of those things are. Have a conversation with your partner about what you are learning and what you're committed to and then follow through. Follow through. Start to prioritize what it is that you know you need in order to feel aligned and in order to feel congruent, in order to feel and know that what it is that you want in your life truly matters. And you will watch as your partner will start to shift because you won't have to say, I need you to do this and how come you won't prioritize my needs and how come you won't give me what I want? And you know, all the complaints that the classic nice guy has, you won't have to do those things because you will be living in such a way where you will embody, you will literally embody the spirit of my needs matter. And you will make decisions and choices and take action to demonstrate that your needs matter. And it will make it much easier for your partner to make space for those things, to prioritize what you need and to follow through with also giving you what you need within the context of the relationship. So comment below. Let me know what you thought about this. Let me know what you thought about this concept of neglect and how it plays into the nice guy and if you have any questions or if there's anything that you would like to add. So thanks very much for tuning in. This is Connor Beaton signing off.