The One Skill That Will Change Your Relationship With Women

All right, men, welcome back to the Man Talk Show. Connor Beaton here today we're going to be talking about the one major skill that so many men have lost within the context of modern dating and relationships. This is the one skill that you really need to bring into modern day relationships and something that most women don't ask for directly. It's something that most women deeply crave and desire, and it's something that oftentimes you might find you get pushback on and so you don't engage with it. But it is the one absolutely crucial thing for a relationship with a woman. So we're gonna dive straight in. Don't forget to subscribe to, like to man it forward and share the video. 76% of you seem to watch my content and come back but are not subscribed. So sign up so that you never miss it. Plus, just helps the algorithm, you know, it just helps it. YouTube's an interesting place. Spotify is an interesting place. So when you subscribe, it lets the algo know that people dig this. So, all right, let's dive straight in. I'm gonna cut right to it. The main thing, the main thing that so many women are looking for in a relationship is some type of containment. Okay? Containment. And when I say containment, I don't just mean with her. I mean specifically within you that you have the ability as a man to contain yourself. Because we all know that that's hard. You know, if you are a man, you know how freaking hard it is to contain yourself, to contain maybe your anger or the intensity that you experience emotionally, or to contain yourself physically or sexually, or to contain your impulses with pornography or weed or booze or whatever it is. We all know that. And women are very sensitive and attuned to men that have some level of containment. And women are very attuned and afraid of men that do not have containment, that are not able to contain urges, violence, aggression, anger, etc. And so, you know, when you look at it, the reason why this is so important is that men and women, for better or for worse, have a kind of predator and prey dynamic. And if you listen to any woman talk about what it is like to be a woman, to walk through the streets of Los Angeles or New York or Seattle or any town anywhere in the world, Paris, London, et cetera, what you will hear them talk about is the feeling of being afraid. And I've heard this from, so from pretty much every woman I've ever spoken to about what it is like to be a woman, what it is like to date what it is like to walk through the world as a woman. And it's a very different context, right? For the majority of women, their experience is a kind of hyper vigilance towards am I safe, Am I okay? And there's a kind of experience that many women have which is feeling like prey, right? And that's why we have this terminology, right? They're preyed upon, we have predators, etc. And when I say that we as men are more predatory, I'm not saying that all men are actual predators or abusers or anything like that. Because if you look at the data, we all know that it is an extremely, extremely small percentage of men who are committing these crimes, who are abusive, who are, you know, et cetera. We could just go down the line. But the truth is that all women know that all men are capable of being one of those men. And women don't have a way to sort of know for sure whether or not a man is going to harm them, whether or not a man is going to be dangerous or not. And the other piece of this, which maybe puts a little bit of a wrench in the mix is that for most women's sexual desire, their sexual arousal system is often predicated and geared towards men who have a kind of dangerous edge about them, right? And this is why you see the 50 shades of gray being like the best selling book of all time, right? The guy in the book is kind of a psychopath, he's kind of a sociopath. He's this super wealthy, ultra rich, cold hearted kind of beast, little bit of a monster, right? And he goes out in the world and preys on people, right? He's kind of predatory in nature and you know, he's super direct and you know, assertive and dominant and all these pieces and there, there is a part of the feminine arousal and feminine desire system that is attracted to the beast, right? To attracted to the beast in you. The potentiality that there's something in you that needs to be tamed, right? That needs to be tamed. And for a lot of women, what they're essentially looking for, what they really want to look for in a man is do you have some type of containment over that part of you? Do you have some type of containment over the aggressive, violent, dangerous part of you? And do you have containment in a way where, where you're not disassociated from it? You haven't completely cut yourself off from, you haven't castrated yourself from the ability to be dangerous. You haven't cut yourself off from the ability to protect yourself or protect her, which is a very, very important part of the equation. No, it's more. Have you done the work to be able to contain that part of you so that you are able to be a protector of rather than a predator. Now the other part of this is very important because when I talk about containment, I'm not just talking about the containment that you need to do with you. Okay? There is a certain level of, we could call it psychological containment, physical containment, emotional containment, sexual containment. That for us as men, is part of the masculine journey. It is part of the sharpening the sword and sharpening the edge. It's why if you look at any great culture, you look at the great warriors, the great kings, the great leaders, there's something about them where they have learned containment. Marcus Aurelius is a great example of this, right? Containment. Being able to understand himself emotionally and psychologically. There's something about that that is part of our masculine essence that desires to, yes, pierce out into the world and build and create and, and sometimes conquer, but also to be able to contain ourselves so that we don't lose a sense of consciousness to our temper, that we don't lose a sense of awareness and become hyper reactive anytime something that doesn't go our way. So there's the containment that is inside of you that ultimately is part of your masculine journey, your journey as a man doing, confronting hard things, doing things that challenge you, but also being able to develop some level of containment emotionally and psychologically, so that not everything that comes into your orbit throws you off kilter, makes you reactive, makes you emotional, makes you crumble, makes you cower, and that you haven't again, castrated yourself in order to have that containment. You see, a lot of modern men have, have gone down that path. A lot of modern men have just cut themselves off, psychologically and emotionally from that fire inside of them, from the heat inside of them. And that part of you is extremely important. And it's important for you as a man to go out and build and create and become who it is that you ultimately want to be. But it's also incredibly important in your relationship. And here's why. Here is where containment is. Shows up with the woman that you date, marry, etc. All women want to know that at some point you will and can, if necessary, act as a kind of emotional container should her emotions get out of hand, should her emotions become big and volatile. And nothing feels more detrimental to a woman than being in a relationship with a Man, where her emotions run the show. And another way of saying this is. Nothing is maybe more detrimental for a woman than to know that you don't have the fire to stand up to her, that you're not willing to offer some type of containment. And that containment, in a very direct and specific way is as simple as saying, that's not okay with me. The way you spoke to me isn't all right. I'm not interested in doing that with you. I'm not okay with this part of the relationship. It's not all right with me when you throw dinner plates at my head. Right? I mean, I'm being extreme, but I'm being extreme because these are the situations that men find themselves in. I've worked with men who've been abused by women. I've worked with men who have had, had verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, physically abusive women. And they are terrified of those women. They are terrified to stand up in any way, shape or form. And this is becoming more commonplace. And it's not even just those extreme situations. In your healthy, everyday, average relationship, you as a man still need the ability to provide some level of containment, to bring the woman that you are with back into presence, back into her body, into presence with you. Part of your gift is presence and awareness and pulling her into that experience with you on a daily basis, moment to moment. And so containment is incredibly important because if the prey, okay, if the party that's in the relationship who normally feels like prey.

Is the more dominant, more aggressive, more assertive, more dangerous, more volatile, less contained person, they are going to feel even more unsafe. They might not consciously put those things together. It might not be like, oh, I feel unsafe because John never really stands up to me. Or, oh, I feel very unsafe because, you know, Terry lets me walk all over him or lets me yell at him and call him names. He never says anything. Or, you know, I kind of get reactive and, and kind of get emotional. I get sad or I get angry. And, you know, and. And Terry just, you know, he gets super reactive and he gets super defensive, and he's not able to hold any of my emotions. So what ends up happening is that her emotions become the center of the relational universe. They become the thing that carries the most weight and the most gravity. And oftentimes when you as a man aren't providing any type of containment for yourself, first, okay, I want to say that you are not providing containment for her because you need to operate as a parent or parentified or anything like that. She's still responsible for her own emotions, and you are providing containment for yourself. So it's just a natural extension of how you are already existing in the world. You are already operating as a man who is able to have some containment. Who knows the value of containment over emotions, over chaos, over harm, over.

Criticism that might be debilitating or resentment building. Right? So you have to be able to provide containment in a relationship and specifically be able to provide containment with the woman that you're with. Sometimes that's just simply saying no. Sometimes it's as simple as saying, I can hold whatever you need to tell me. I can contain your disappointment, you're upset with me. Okay, I can contain. I can hold that. I can act as a vessel for you to be disappointed. That's all right. I can hold your grief. I can be with you in the moments where you are sad, where you're upset about something that has happened in your work life or you've had. You're upset with something that's happened with your father or your mother or one of your girlfriends or with the kids. I can hold that being a container that doesn't necessarily need to take in her emotions, that doesn't need to bow to her emotions or cower to her emotions, but is able to be a kind of field or a container or vessel that says what you're feeling is welcome here. And I'm not afraid of it. I'm not going to get defensive because of it. I'm not going to attack you. You're to not going because what you're experiencing, I'm just going to be a vessel that can hear what you're saying without a massive amount of reactivity or criticism or defensiveness. That type of containment for a woman feels like shade after being out in the desert. That type of. I'm going to say it again. That type of containment feels like shade after a woman has been out in the desert. Because for so many women, what happens is when they express, when they bring forward emotions, disappointments, desires, joys, et cetera, a man isn't able to contain his own internal experience.

In the face of what his woman is experiencing. And so he shuts down, he blows up, he becomes defensive, he goes on the attack, et cetera. So there's zero containment inside of that man. He's not able to wrestle with his own experiences. He's not able to have some level of emotional understanding around what's happening inside of him. Now, I can already hear some of the comments from some of the men of like, oh, well, that's just you know, that's just you saying that men should be more emotionally capable than women. And like, you're. You're letting women off the hook and that you're saying that women shouldn't be emotionally responsible. No, I'm not. I'm saying that part of your value as a man, part of your innate fulfillment as a man is by attuning yourself to containment internally and to providing containment externally for those that are around you. I'll give you another example, okay?

If you are in a situation, I'll give you a very clear example that happened in my life. My wife and I used to live in the city, in Manhattan. We are sitting in a park, okay? And it's called Madison Square Park. It's right in the. Pretty much like smack in the middle of Manhattan in a place called Nomad. And it's just the two of us. We're sitting at a table and this. We're just having a conversation. It's the middle of the day on a Saturday. Her phone's out on the table, and this very clearly unwell, very large homeless dude walks up, no shirt on, pants are sort of like hanging down. And he starts talking at my wife, and he's telling her to give him her phone, right? And immediately I just stand up and get in between them and I say, hey, man, my name's Connor. What's up? And he's trying to look at her and, wow, that's my phone. And I was like, no, no, you're not talking to her. You're talking to me. You're talking to me. And in that moment, I'm providing containment. And I'm not threatening him. I'm not being violent. I'm not saying I'm going to kick his ass. I just complete pattern interrupt, shift his attention. I go to shake his hand. He doesn't really know what the hell he's like, you know, he's clearly unwell. But I'm providing containment with him, right? I'm taking her out of the equation. But in that moment, I'm providing containment for him. He's not okay. He's not well. He's not all there. He has zero containment over his own experience. He is not able to contain any of himself. He's not able to contain his impulses and his desires, probably even his speech. And so I provide some containment for him. And after probably about 25, 30 seconds of this interaction, he wanders off and he's gone. And he walks out of the park. He doesn't bother anybody else in the park. He just wanders off, away he goes. That is a kind of containment. It's not a threat, it's not an attack, it's not a defensiveness. It is being able to contain where somebody is at, being able to hold in a non threatening, also non threatened way what somebody is experiencing. And I understand, I am under no illusion that that man in that moment was quite dangerous, right? He was quite dangerous. And I could feel that. I could feel the threat. I was not in illusion to the threat. I was ready for the threat in case anything happened. Okay, so don't get me wrong, don't be like, oh my God, you could have got stabbed or punched in the face. I was aware of all of that. But this is the type of grounded containment that, that we need to bring to the women that we are with. And it's not about being perfect. And it's not that you are responsible for her emotions or you're not responsible for how she feels. You're not responsible for de, escalating her. You're not responsible for any of those things. What you are responsible for is acting as a containment unit for yourself and other people in the world so that other people have a place to feel safe, to feel secure. And for the majority of women, that's really what they're expressing. I can't feel you, I don't know what you're feeling. Which is what most women say in their relationships. You've probably heard it at some point from a woman that you've dated. I don't know what you're thinking, I don't know what you're feeling, or you're too sensitive, you're too emotional. All of that is another way of saying, I don't trust you to contain us. I don't trust you to contain yourself and what you're experiencing. And so if you can't contain what's going on inside of yourself, if you can't provide structure and order, structure and order for yourself, how the hell am I going to be able to trust that you can provide that structure and order for me? And I get that gender roles are all over the place in today's world. But at the end of the day, we are still biological creatures that have evolved with biological imperatives. And the vast majority of women will choose. Men are going to desire men who are able to provide that type of containment and order and structure. And so the more that you can bring that into the relationship so that her emotions don't become the epicenter of the relationship, so that they don't run the show and that there are some limitations. There's. God forbid there are some limitations within the relationship. I know that some of what I'm saying in this video might be pissing some of you off. You might not like it. You might not like what I'm saying, but what I'm saying works. All right, What I'm saying works. So start to bring. Start to practice containment within yourself. Notice where in your relationship can you provide some containment? Do you normally run away from her emotions? Do you shut down? Do you go on the defensive? Do you attack? Right, that's breaking containment. That's shutting down the ability to just hold the feminine's intensity, a woman's intensity. And we have to hold that intensity with boundaries. Meaning it's okay for you to be upset with me, it's okay for you to be disappointed. It's okay for you to be angry. Don't call me names, don't throw things at me. Right? Don't threaten things. So these types of basic boundaries and lines in the sand also help to provide containment, which at the end of the day, is going to help to create polarity between you and the woman that you're with. So share in the comment section below. Let me know what you think. Let me know how you're going to implement what I've talked about. And as always, don't forget to man it forward. I'll see you next week.