A short YouTube talk by Connor Beaton arguing that pornography creates a 'pseudo attachment' or pseudo-relationship which can become a codependent substitute for insecure or unfulfilling primary relationships. Beaton suggests that strengthening secure, trustworthy relationships (partner, friends, family, men's groups) reduces reliance on porn and makes quitting easier; he frames the issue as relational rather than solely biochemical (dopamine).
Chapters
Foreign.
Team. Welcome back to the mantalk show. I am Connor Beaton. Today we're going to be talking about the one thing that I haven't heard anybody talk about when it comes to why porn can be so addictive and why it is so hard to quit when you decide to stop watching it. I haven't seen one YouTuber, one psychologist, one therapist, one coach talk about what I'm about to talk about. And I have scoured. I've watched a lot of videos on this topic and this content before we dive into it. Don't forget to subscribe to the channel. Don't forget to man it forward and share this video with somebody that you know, could use it, could enjoy it. So let's dive in. The one thing that I want to talk about that I haven't seen anybody else address, and I'm going to be talking about this more in the coming weeks and months, is that porn is and creates a pseudo attachment. So porn creates a pseudo relationship. So if you're in a relationship, if you're married, you can kind of think of it as this sort of like, mistress that you go to once in a while. So a couple things about attachment and, and this is based off of the work of a gentleman named Dewey Freeman. Dewey Freeman has been doing behavioral psychology, gestalt therapy, equine Therap for about 40 or 50 years. He's got 90,000 clinical hours under his belt. He also happens to be my friend and colleague and mentor, and he had done extensive, extensive work and research in the field of attachment. He's actually built his own attachment model which we'll be talking about in the future. But attachment is the foundation of our relationships. So here's the simple thing that I want you to know and I'm going to break down when it comes to why porn is so addictive and why it can be so hard to quit if you don't have a deep sense of security or trust within your primary relationships with your girlfriend or wife or, you know, your, your significant other or your friends or your family when those things seem like they're a little unstable, a little untrustworthy or lacking in security in some way, shape or form. What we'll do is cope with that by creating these pseudo relationships with objects, substances or behaviors. Right? You build a relationship with pornography. You build a relationship with pornography. What do I mean by that? Well, if you are somebody that's watching porn, paying for cam girls, maybe you subscribe to OnlyFans and you have this kind of pseudo relationship, there's this pseudo exchange. There's an energetic exchange. There might be a financial exchange. There's an exchange of time. There's an exchange of, you know, emotional exchange sometimes. And so for a lot of guys, the real reason that it becomes very challenging to let go of porn and the real reason why it's so sort of addictive in the first place and can catch us, you know, using it more often than we want is because it's providing something that we're wanting out of a relationship but don't feel like we can get in our primary relationships. So the real reason why it's hard to let go of porn is that you've created an attachment to. You've created a relationship with it, whether you know that or not, right? Even if you never use cam girls and onlyfans and that kind of stuff, and you're just watching pornography, notice that you probably go back and watch a very similar kind of pornography on a regular basis. And maybe that goes through phases, right? You might watch one type of porn for a few months and another type of porn for a few months, but for most guys, they're returning to a similar style of pornography for an extended period of time, for a repeated period of time. Why is that? Well, there's a number of reasons. One, it can be what's going on within you psychologically in your life, you know, depending on what you're experiencing emotionally. But two, it's that you feel some type of attachment and connection to that specific style of porn. And so what we have to do, in a very simple way, and I'm. I'm condensing all of this to make this very sort of quick and direct. But what we have to do is, one, we have to start to look at what's the relationship that you've built with porn? What's the relationship you've built with it? Is it something that you use to console you when you're stressed out or overwhelmed or lonely or bored or angry? Is it something that you use when maybe your partner doesn't want to be sexually active? Is it something that you use when you kind of feel just alone and you're not really too sure how to get yourself to feel better? So instead of turning to this pseudo relationship, this pseudo attachment that you've built with pornography, you begin to slowly reestablish and reinforce the healthy relationships that you have in your life, and you start to rely on them more. You start to build out more robust relationships with the people that are in your life. Your partner, you know, girlfriend, wife. Et cetera, your. Your buddies, your friends, your family members, your people in your community. And as you start to do, as you start to have more meaningful relationships with those people in your life that are safe, that are secure, that are trustworthy, what you'll find is that less and less you will need pornography. And more and more, it will be easier to let go of porn. So it's not just about dopamine detoxing. It's not just about, you know, filling in the habit of watching porn with a different habit. And there are hundreds of men's groups that are out there, men's communities, where you can have these types of connections, relationships, and transparent and honest conversation. So find one that works for you, find one that is right for you, and find some accountability so that you can build those healthy attachments, those healthy relationships instead of needing and depending on. Because that's really what porn is. Porn becomes a dependency. It's like a codependent relationship. You need it in order to feel better. So instead of having that codependent dependency with pornography, you actually have a healthy, structured, grounded relationship with another human being. So comment below, let me know what you thought about this video. Don't forget to man it forward. Share it with another man. This is important information. I think hopefully you agree with me, but I'm curious to hear what your thoughts are. And until next week, this is Connor Beaton signing off.
