The Real Reason Men Prematurely Ejaculate

Welcome, guys and gals. I'm Connor Beaton and today on this midweek mini episode, we're going to talk about the real reason why many men struggle with premature ejaculation. Now, this is a little bit of a departure from what I normally talk about and might be a surprise to see as the title of one of my mini episodes. But the thing is that after working with hundreds and hundreds of men and speaking with them all over the world, now there's a few things that a lot of guys struggle with that don't get talked about. One of them is erectile dysfunction. Not being able to keep or maintain or get an erection for multiple reasons. A lot of guys struggle with premature ejaculation and having an orgasm too fast. And a small percentage of the guys actually struggle from not being able to have an orgasm during sex or through oral. And so while I'm not going to talk about those other things today, it might be something that I tackle in a future mini episode. This was one that I've had a lot of men reach out about and specifically ask, why does this happen? What do I do? How do I deal with it? And so I actually want to address this on the episode because one of the things that can come up is that premature ejaculation can cause a ton of shame when it comes to a guy and sexual experiences. But it's a very natural thing for a lot of men. And in the work that I've done over the men's weekends and one on one with guys, this topic has come up quite a bit. And I've worked with a lot of men to support them in being able to regulate and have a little bit more stamina.

When it comes to sex and intimacy. So let's dive straight in. But right before just a quick reminder to all the guys, head on over to Facebook and join the mantalks community. We have more in depth conversations like this. Don't forget to follow me on Instagram mantalks or you can search for Connor Beaton. And we have an upcoming men's weekend. We have one in August on the west coast in Vancouver and one on the east coast in upstate New York. And those are going to be sold out soon. So please, if you want to join, definitely apply now, as we only have a few spots left for each. So if you've been thinking about it, dive straight in. So let's talk about this. First and foremost, there's a great book that you can reference that you can start to do some work on yourself, which is called the Multi Orgasmic Man. And this is really a book that I think that every man should read simply out of curiosity, you know, if you are having sex or you want to have sex, regardless of sexual orientation. It's, it's definitely a book that you might want to check out. It's by Mantak Chia. And I think the, the newest book has a guy named Douglas Abrams. But one of the biggest challenges, and again, you can read through the book and I'm not going to share anything from there, but one of the biggest challenges that I have witnessed within men when it comes to premature ejaculation or erectile problems, if it's not health related, if it has nothing to do with an actual medical condition. And largely it doesn't. Right. Largely it's not actually.

A health problem. Although having erectile problems can be a sign of poor health condition within your heart. And so you might want to go get your heart checked if you are having those issues. With premature ejaculation, it can sometimes be connected back to bladder or prostate or testicular issues. So rule those things out. Definitely go and get those things checked. Don't wait. Obviously it's uncomfortable to go and get those things done. But the real big thing outside of medical issues, the real thing that causes premature ejaculation is pretty direct. There's a few things that impact it, but the main thing is a lack of presence. And what I mean by a lack of presence is a few things. One, generally a man will be disconnected from his breath and so he'll start to engage in the act of sex and intimacy. Maybe he's initiating kissing someone or starting to initiate sex. There's foreplay happening. His awareness of his breath is completely gone. And so his breath starts to speed up. And depending on what happens going into sex and intimacy, his breath can become so quick or so shallow that it puts his nervous system into sort of like a fight or flight based response. And when that happens, all of the body's senses are really start to become heightened. And you know, your breath quickens, your heart rate quickens, and so everything sort of starts to speed up. You might want to feel the urge to have sex faster, but you can sort of feel yourself going closer to climax. So premature ejaculation can happen because there's a lack of presence to the breath. And for many, many people, they are disconnected from their breath. They don't think about this thing that happens on a daily basis all by itself. But the depth of breath and the awareness of breath that we have is directly correlated to our ability to be present and aware of what's happening in any given moment. So if you think about meditation, for example, it's why breath is such an integral part of meditation. It's because it is the thing that brings our awareness back into our body, helps to slow down our cognitive thinking, helps to slow down our heart rate, helps to slow down our mental emotional processes that are constantly going and allows us to be more present to the moment. And for some guys, the challenge with that is that there's a fear that if they slow down and really become present to the moment, that they're going to lose their erection. And so they feel like they're caught between a rock and a hard place.

No pun intended. I guess the rock in that case is premature ejaculation, and the hard base is losing the erection. Anyway, that was a horrible joke, but hopefully you're taking it with a grain of salt. So a guy can really feel like he's stuck between this double bind of, well, if I slow down, I might risk losing my erection, but if I keep this pace up, I might come too soon. The second piece of lack of presence is that a man can be completely overrun with his thoughts. And so not only can he be disconnected from his breath, but he can be completely consumed or flooded, which is usually a term that's used emotionally when somebody comes flood, flooded with anger or flooded with sadness, and they act out from that place, right? When we're flooded with anger, we usually either shut down and we implode or we explode and we lose our temper, right? And so we kind of move into this unconscious territory. And this can happen in the same way for men when it comes to sex and intimacy, specifically with premature ejaculation or losing their erections, There is a big thing called. Called ruminating thoughts. And a man can start to have ruminating thoughts that get out of control. So he might. If he's had issues with premature ejaculation in the past or losing his erection during sex, what can happen is that he will go to engage in sex intimacy, and suddenly these thoughts will naturally pop up from his unconscious mind into his consciousness, and he won't be able to stop focusing on them. And so those thoughts will just sort of start to circulate like they're. Like they're in a, you know, clothes, in a. In a dryer or in a washing machine that are just sort of spinning around and around and around and around. And so he will go to initiate sex with his partner. And this. This Sort of thought will creep up of like, oh, are you going to last long enough? Are you going to stay hard long enough? Is that going to, are you going to be okay? Don't come too fast. You know, you got to perform, you got to do this. And so this voice, this voice will start to pop up in his experience and he won't be able to not hear it, he won't be able to not listen to it. And so that is what we refer to as ruminating thoughts. And basically what happens is because there's a disconnection, if he's disconnected from his breath, he's probably disconnected from his body. And it can cause him to go into these ruminating thoughts and not be able to let go of them. They become all consuming. And in a way, he's trying to avoid these thoughts and the avoidance of them causes him to either end up they're a self fulfilling prophecy, right? So when he tries to avoid the thoughts, he either distracts himself and isn't present to sex, or he's trying so hard to distract himself from those thoughts that they end up being the thing that takes over. And then he loses his erection or.

Has an orgasm too soon. The first one disconnected from the breath, the second one, lack of presence when it comes to thoughts. Meaning sometimes his thoughts can override him. And the last one is that he can become flooded and overwhelmed by pleasure. And so the excitement, the sheer excitement of the intimacy that he's about to experience can be so great and overwhelming that the excitement of that will flood his system. And just the thought of being touched or, you know, having sex or receiving oral or whatever it is will become so exciting to him that, that he struggles to either maintain his erection or will prematurely have an orgasm. And that can create an immense amount of shame. And that shame can cause him to, to build on the excitement for the next time. Because he, he will then after that's happened, after he's prematurely ejaculated and he is, he's, you know, maybe feels a little bit of shame after that. It's like, I wish I would have last longer. Maybe him and his partner talk about it or they don't the next time. What's happened between that time and the next time that he goes engage in sex is that he's put a lot of shame on himself that he hasn't worked through and hasn't talked about and hasn't understood. And so next time he goes to have sex, that shame is now adding pressure to, to him needing to last longer. And so the thoughts amplify, the feeling amplifies. His disconnection from his breath amplifies. And it can become a sort of snowball rolling down a hill of snow, gathering steam and momentum and more and more, in this case, shame or pressure or anxiety or just sexual excitement. And so the. The more that this goes on, the more sort of ecstatic nature and energy that he has within him to the point where it can just perpetuate itself and it can become the thing that is causing itself. So how do we break the cycle? How do you start to break the cycle? When it comes to. Specifically with premature ejaculation, the first thing is cultivating a depth of presence within sex and intimacy. And you may not have ever learned this, right? You may not have ever practiced really being present when it comes to sex and intimacy. So one of the things that you'll want to try is, and this is why meditation is so important, is because it'll connect you with the breath. And connecting yourself with the breath and how you're breathing can be incredibly powerful for bringing presence. So you can practice breathing in deeply and finding a good grounding before you even initiate sex, or let's say your partner starts to initiate sex. Great. Take a deep breath. Notice where your breath is at. Are you feeling it tense in your shoulders? Are you clenching your abdomen? Are you collapsing on your chest? Is your breath super shallow? Does your breath feel okay? Just start to notice that as you become more engaged in the act of intimacy, the next piece is being able to notice your level of sensation and pleasure. Where are you on a scale of 1 to 10? Right. Are you already ecstatic just by being touched? In which case maybe you need to communicate to slow down. Are you so overwhelmed by the fact that it's happening that you feel like your body is already at like a 9 or a 10 on the Richter scale, and you've barely even gotten started or sex hasn't even started to happen yet. Great. Slow down. Start to breathe again. Notice where your thoughts are going. Notice if you're shaming yourself and communicate with your partner and be able to say, I want to go a little bit slower just for tonight. You need to be able to break the cycle, right? Because the cycle is that you are lacking in presence with your breath or your body or your thoughts, and that causes a premature orgasm. And so you need to break the cycle of bringing presence into the moment and slowing down where you need to slow down so that you can get comfortable in the rhythm, in the groove. And.

I guess it's Kind of like surfing in that way. You need to be able to slow down to find their sweet spot on the wave. Okay, coming back to it, the third thing that you want to try is to notice the thoughts, the mindset that you have going into sex, not specifically while it's happening, because you kind of want to empty out your vessel. The main thing here, the main game, is that the more sort of empty and present that you are within yourself, the more calm, relaxed, grounded and present you will be for your partner. And the intimacy itself. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but generally what's happening is that men are experiencing so much excitement or so much breath or so much flood or overwhelm of pleasure that that excitement causes the release. And so what we want to experience within ourselves is a sort of emptying out. And this is why it's so important for men to have a routine or a ritual at the end of the day and at the beginning of the day. That allows them to slow down and that allows them to drop in and be present within their bodies, in their minds, in their breath, in their gut and their intuition. And to be able to have that presence will allow them to, I guess, let's just say, perform better when it comes to the bedroom, when it comes to sex and intimacy. And so our mission here, again, is to slow down, connect to the breath, find a depth of presence within ourselves where we are emptying our mind out a little bit. We're removing some of the thoughts or the worries or the anxieties about our work or how we have to pay the bills or what we need to do after sex or how the kids are doing and when they need to be dropped off at school. We need to empty ourselves of those things and create some space for intimacy to actually enter, for sex to actually enter. And then we need to connect to our breath, and then we need to not get flooded by pleasure. And in that way, we can start to enjoy the dance. Right? I think Alan Watts said it best where he said the aim of music isn't to get to the end fastest. If that was the case, the best musicians in the world would be trying to play every song as quickly as humanly possible to get to the end. And the best musicians would be the ones that do it the fastest. That's not the case in music. That's not the case in playing it or making it really great. Music is about finding the flow within the music. Where the people are working together in this way, where they're sort of riding the wave of flow. And in that way, there's just a beautiful synchronicity. There's people that are leading. There's people that are. That are sort of following the dance, that are. That are following the music. And that is really what intimacy is about. And for many men, premature ejaculation is. Is a. Is really a sign that there is an avoidance of slowing down or a rejection of slowing down or a fear of slowing down in sex and intimacy. And that can be for a number of reasons. Again, it can be from sexual trauma from the past. It can be from embarrassing moments from the past. It can be from rejection or a fear of not being good enough or not performing enough in the future. And so we just have to identify what some of these narratives are within you. And then you have to be able to bring some presence into your body, into your mind, and into the actual act of intimacy. So I hope that you enjoyed that. If you have any further questions, direct message me on Instagram. It's mantalks. I would love to hear a little bit more about what you want to. If you have any specific questions about this topic, and please share this. I know it's a weird one to share.

But, you know, maybe share it with some of your guy friends and be like, hey, have you ever struggled with this? Or, hey, worth the listen. You know, you don't have to give any context. Sometimes that's the best. I find that that's the best. Sometimes, you know, I'll just, like, I'll share the most random shit with my buddies and be like, here, listen to this. And, you know, sometimes it's about just weird stuff like this where they're like, why are you sharing this with me? And then they go and listen to it and they're like, that blew my mind. That was exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you for having the courage to send me that seemingly awkward podcast. So anyway, share this episode with your partner, with your friends. DM me if you have any questions. And until next week, this is Connor Beaton signing off.