The real reason why NICE GUYS don’t get the girl

So I get a version of this question all the time. The question of why, why is it that women won't stay with a nice guy? You know, it seems to be that in our culture, in the modern conversation where a lot of women are saying that they want men to be more vulnerable, they want men to be more open, they want men to, to, to sort of take care of things and be more feminized in, in a lot of ways, why is it that so many women won't stay with the quote, unquote nice guys? Why is it that so many nice guys that are out there end up in divorce, end up in heartbreak, have the, you know, the woman that they're with run off with.

Some sort of quote unquote asshole? You know, what, what is it about the nice guy that women think they want but ultimately end up rejecting? That's what we're going to talk about today. Before we dive into that, just a quick reminder to hit subscribe and the bell notification so that you get notified of videos like this when they drop. So I remember working with a man years ago, as we got into this, as I got into this content and I, you know, worked with Dr. Robert Glover talking about normal Mr. Nice Guy and this concept that's been around for decades. And this guy had been in a relationship where it, it ended after about nine months. You know, he dated this woman. He really like, went to extremes to make her happy. You know, flowers once a week, taking her on these nice dates, really like treating her better than any other woman that he'd ever been with. And at, at this sort of like eight or nine month mark, she ended up cutting off the relationship. And he could, he kind of felt it, you know, he kind of knew that it was coming and he could feel her slowly pulling away. And it was like the more that he did for her, the more available that he was, the nicer that he was, the more that he took care of her in every single way that she had been asking for. Right? Because he was sort of following through with everything that she said that she wanted. He was dumbstruck. He was like, why did this happen? How come I did everything that she asked for? Which in itself should be a red flag, which maybe we'll talk about. He's like, I did everything that she asked for. And, you know, I wasn't the asshole guy that she dated. I wasn't a jerk. You know, I was overly reliable. I was always there for her. What the hell happened? And so it started to plant the seed in my mind. Of like why, why is it that women don't actually stay with nice guys? Even though if you look at the mainstream commentary, the mainstream literature, the, the discourse of feminists today, you know, sort of espousing that they want sort of bland, you know, mellowed out men that are very feminine, very open, you know, very loving, very kind, very polite, very acquiescing to all their wants and needs. Why is it that they don't stay with these nice guys? And there's a few things. I think the first real reason is about safety. You know, the, the female and feminine prerogative is to look for safety in a relationship. That might be safety in terms of resources, it might be safety in terms of knowing that the man that she's with isn't going to be abusive, isn't going to be unfaithful. That there's a kind of fidelity there that can be a form of safety. Safety for her to share her emotions and what she's feeling and experienc. But safety is one of the main priorities for almost every woman. And there's a false sense of security in niceness. So a lot of women will look for niceness, right? Like you as a guy, you have to be nice to a degree, right? You can't be a blatant asshole. Even the guys that you know are labeled as assholes, they're still nice, good amount of time, you know, they're not just jerks from the get go. That's very, very rare for the most part. It's some form of a mix, right? Maybe they're a little offensive, a little crude, like 20 to 40% of the time. But the rest of the time either they're nice, they're playful, they're engaging, they're creating a sense of security and safety. But there's this notion that if you are nice as a man, that means that you are safe. And they expect the equivalency to happen, right? They expect that if you're nice, then you're safe emotionally, you're safe physically, you're safe financially, you're safe in all of these different ways and areas that they are looking for within a partner. But that's short lived, right? That will eventually fade out. Because what will start to happen is that niceness will turn into boredom. You know, that niceness will turn into predictability. That niceness will turn into realizing that that man is hiding something. You know, he's disconnected from his anger. And so eventually as the relationship goes on, that man won't be able to hold up this false illusion of being Prince Charming, of being this guy that's nice all the time and doesn't have any needs and doesn't have any wants and just acquiesces to what she wants. And so eventually he. He will begin to act not so nice. He'll be passive aggressive. He'll become needy. He, you know, maybe he'll stop saying yes to everything. And this other part of him might start to come out, but it might start to come out in ways that aren't necessarily conducive for a healthy relationship. The other thing that I think starts to break down, why women won't stay with men, and I've seen this time and time again, is the notion of predictability. You know, it's interesting because for a lot of women, they'll look for a certain amount of predictability in a man. They'll look to see, is he reliable financially, is he reliable? And showing up on time, is he reliable? Can I trust and predict that he's going to say what he's going to do and he's going to follow through with it? And that predictability can have a certain quality of attraction, again because of this notion of safety. And so the more predictable a man is, the more safe he appears. And with nice guys, they try and be so predictable that eventually it just bores the crap out of that woman, right? That there is no tension that emerges. Right. In order for there to be a kind of polarity, in order for there to be a sexual tension and an attraction, there has to be some sense of unpredictability. But nice guys end up being so predictable that a woman gets bored. You know, she just looks at him and says, I know exactly what he's gonna say. I know what he's gonna do. He's gonna pedestal me. He's gonna tell me how much he loves me and how gorgeous I am and how all these things. And it just becomes boring to her. There's no real excitement, there's no tension. There's no energetic magnetism between the two of them. And eventually her mind, her body, her sexual arousal might start to shift. And look in other places where there's just a hint of unpredictability. And the last thing about why women don't stay in relationships with nice guys, and I think this is a very interesting one, is control. And the more that a woman prioritizes, and again, this isn't every single woman, but the more that a woman prioritizes things like safety, the more that she thinks that she wants a nice guy, the more that she'll get into relationships with men who they can control. And, you know, when we as human beings can't control our own emotions, right? So for a woman who maybe feels unable to control her own emotions or unable to be with her own emotions, or they're too much, or she grew up in an environment where she was told that she was too much, when they can't control their own emotions and don't know how to be with them, they'll look for people who they can control. And the most likely suspect of that is going to be a nice guy. Right? This is why so many women get into dynamics with men that they can control because they think in some way that that's going to be safer. You know, and this is. This is often. I mean, you know, men do this too, to some degree. I think it's a little bit different in terms of control. It's like, if I can't control myself and my anger, then I want a partner. I want a woman that I can control so that I feel a sense of superiority, so I can feel a sense of security, so I can feel a sense of dominance. I can feel a sense of being in the driver's seat of my life in some way, even if I'm controlling somebody else. And so what happens is, a lot of women will get into relationships with nice guys because they realize, consciously or unconsciously, that there's a high level of control, that she's going to get what she wants when she wants it. She's going to be able to control that man. She's going to be able to direct him and tell him what to do and tell him what she wants. And, you know, if she's been in a relationship with a guy who is the opposite of that, who she had no control over, who was pursuing his purpose and was just on direction or he was, you know, whatever, then there's this sense of like, oh, this feels good, you know, to a certain degree. But again, it will get boring. You know, she'll start to get bored. She'll get resentful. She will become resentful towards that man because he has allowed her to control him. And eventually the thing that she looked for, that she thought caused safety, right? If I can control you, if you say yes to me all the time, if I can get you to come out with my friends whenever I want and watch the freaking Bachelor and the stupid TV shows that I want to watch, then I'll feel a sense of safety and security that ends up becoming the thing that she resents him for that ends up becoming the thing that, that she looks at him a year into the relationship or six months into the relationship and just thinks, like, don't you have a life of your own? Don't you have a voice of your own? Can't you stand up for yourself? Like, I don't want to have to tell you what to do all the time. And she ends up going into a parentified role where she feels like she's starting to mother him. And so, you know, I think there's a few things that we can do. I created a different video about this in terms of, you know, how men really break free from nice guy tendencies. But this was more of a look at what's the female psychology that's behind this. Why are women so interested in wanting nice guys and sort of grooming nice guys and telling men that they should fit into this nice guy archetype. But it has a shelf life, right? They say that that's what they want, and then somewhere down the road they become bored, they become resentful. There isn't the polarity, uh, there isn't that sense of unpredictability. You know, the real truth is that most women want unpredictability. They want you to be reliable, but sometimes unpredictable. You know, it's like this beautiful tension that starts to build underneath the surface. And so if you can find this place within you where you're reliable to yourself, you're able to set the course of what you want to do and when you want to do it, and you're reliable to your word when you tell her you're going to do something and be somewhere that you're reliable in that way, but you're unpredictable in the sense that she doesn't know if you're always going to say yes to something that she wants to do. She doesn't know if you're going to be spontaneous and surprise her. You know, this unpredictability within a man is a really attractive quality. And so just notice, notice these parts of yourself, notice these parts of maybe the women that you're dating, the women that you're with, that they're trying to get you into this nice guy archetype because they're looking for safety, because they're trying to prioritize something that biologically, emotionally, socially, culturally, they've been told will yield a safer dynamic, a safer relationship for them than other avenues. So let me know what you think. Were there things that you disagreed with, what would you add to this conversation? And why do you think that most women don't stay with, quote, unquote, nice guys. Comment below and I'll see you next time.