Top Sex Coach Shares The Secrets To A Solid Sex Life - Caitlin V

Premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, and delayed ejaculation. So no matter what a guy is dealing with, when he comes to me, I'm going to look at these pieces because they're foundational. And even though those three things, as a phenomenon look very different, the causes can be remarkably similar. If you're dealing with premature ejaculation, physiologically, that's usually tension in your pelvic floor. The tight pelvic floor causes premature ejaculation because my favorite definition of orgasm is the pleasurable release of tension. And if you're starting with a baseline of a lot of tension, you're that much closer to reaching orgasm. A lot of people, men and women, miss how symbolic our genitals are and how, like, metaphorical we could look at our sex life. It is a microcosm of the rest of our lives. And the way you do one thing is the way you do everything. So if you feel numb in your genitals, consider do I feel numb in other areas of my life? Have I repressed my emotions such that I actually just don't feel.

All right? Caitlin, welcome to the man talk show. How you doing?

I'm great. Thank you so much for having me.

I am looking forward to this conversation. I. I've, like, been geeking out on my YouTube stats lately, and I saw that you followed me and I started checking out your work and I went down the Caitlin rabbit hole and I was like, oh, yeah, we're going to have a great conversation. Dude's gonna love this. Let's get in. So thanks so much for being here. Let's start off with a little bit about high level. I like starting high level and then drilling down. So what are some of the keys to a vibrant, satisfying sex life? Long term relationship, and where do we normally go wrong?

There are a couple foundational pieces to a great sex life. And the first one, and the most important one is the sexual relationship that you have with yourself. And I don't mean that just from a physiological perspective, like, do you masturbate? What's your masturbation routine like? Do you consume porn? But also how you conceptualize of yourself as a sexual being. Right. So many of us deal with either consciously or unconsciously shame around our sexuality. Men deal with a lot of messages around the potential harm of their sexuality. They grow up being taught that their sexual expression could actually cause pain. I mean, even in the best of circumstances, men get the message that sex is really for them. It's something that they take from women, not something that they give. It's something that women tolerate. And even if you've had a lot of corrective experiences and in your personal life, know that that's not true. We still swim inside of those messages as a culture. And so how do you relate to yourself as a sexual being? Do you own that you are an erotic being and that you have the right to an enjoyable and pleasurable erotic life? And then from there, how do you relate to yourself and your body? Some of the major things that men deal with that cause the most trouble inside of their sexual relationships, whether that's in a long term relationship or a new one, is that they unconsciously bring in that shame. And those messages and the habits that they have fallen into inside of their own solo sex practice, into bed with a partner. And then they are left wondering, why isn't our sexual connection as vibrant and as strong and as pleasurable as I know it could be for both of us? So I think it really starts there. The second most important piece, I would say certainly in a new relationship, but also very true in long term relationships, is the ability to have a nuanced conversation about our wants, needs, desires, boundaries, what sex means to both of us inside of the context of our relationship. And people in all kinds of relationships are not trained. We have even the best communicators, even professional communicators who I work with don't have always the capacity and sort of the like the strength that it requires to have a great conversation about our sex life. And that goes back to everything that I said about our unconscious shame. It's so much easier to have a conversation about our attachment styles nowadays, or a conversation about maybe the values that we want to espouse in our partnership or in our parenting, but what are the values that we want to bring into the bedroom with us? And then finally a sense of openness and open mindedness. Because people change, bodies change, desires change, what we're into changes. We access more information. We learn later on in life that we're really turned on by like Saran Wrap wrapping or something along those lines. We just didn't know. And now we've seen a palette being palletized and we realized that we're into that. That happened to me.

During a factory and I saw a pallet getting wrapped in Saran Wrap and I was like, I think I'm turned on right now. What is this? And I knew this was a thing. Anyway, I digress. If we are really going to live an erotically expansive life, and I mean erotic more than just Sex and all the things that go into the physical expression of sexuality, then we have to be open to experiencing that as a ongoing journey that is going to shift and change both for us and our partners. And so if we get attached to our sex life in the way that it looks or it operated early on, or our bodies the way that they operated in our teens and our 20s and 30s, then we're setting ourself up to not just be disappointed because we are going to experience shift, but we're also not allowing for all of the wonders of eroticism, really broadly defined, to find their way into our lives and our relationships.

Okay, so those are very helpful. That's very helpful. High level. What are some of the, like, what are some of the ways that guys can initiate some of these conversations? Because I agree. I think that straight out the gates, whether, you know, you're just starting to date, whether you've been together for a long time, I do think that having some of those brutally uncomfortable conversations is what's going to lead to the type of interaction, intimacy, connection that you're really desiring. So what is, what are some of those things sound like? And are there any tools that you can give to men to help them have those conversations?

Yeah. So backing up, even before that, a lot of people will jump straight into a conversation about sex because we wait, at least many of my clients wait until something is a really uncomfortable, like burning desire, need, before they even introduce it into the conversation with their partner. And by that time, there's a lot of pressure. They can feel almost desperate. And of course, because sex is so vulnerable, it's so close to who we are at our depth. You know, when we're in a sexual relationship with someone, we're sharing parts of us, our bodies, our minds, our soul that we don't share with anyone else often or not frequently. So it is a incredibly raw space to be having intimate conversations from or about. And so I would look also at the quality of all of your intimate and vulnerable conversations. Are you in the habit of having vulnerable conversations about subjects that are not as intensely vulnerable as sexuality? The. And if you are amazing, congratulations. And if you're not, the good thing is that all of these conversations share the same, in my opinion, sort of tools and framework. So if you get really good at having one conversation that's raw, you can get really good at having conversations about sex and sexuality.

I use a tool that.

From where I was trained in the Accelerated Evolution Academy, is called the Dyad. But it exists in a lot of different Frameworks, which is a conversation that is not that. It has a structure that is not built on coming to any sort of agreement. It is a communication that is not based on getting to a resolution or having a specific response. It is a dialogue that is meant to just be a clearing for the things that we have on our mind. Sometimes, when it comes to sex and sexuality, in order to introduce a conversation or desire that you want to have, you actually have to go back and clear out a lot of things. A lot of things have gone unsaid or unspoken sometimes for many years that lay the foundation upon which that conversation needs to take place. So I find that often couples need to begin with a clearing before they can even get to where it is that we want to go. And I always say to folks that if you want to introduce something new into your bedroom, that the.

Kindest, most compassionate way to share that with a lover is to, number one, make sure that they have space and capacity to have that conversation or schedule it so that you both know that you're going to put aside time to have these conversations. They require time more than you think. All right? Because you're going to unearth other stuff. Doing your research first. A lot of folks head into a conversation, they have a great idea, they want to try something. They immediately rush and take it to their partner. They haven't done a great job of doing the homework to make sure that they've considered the pros and the cons the right way to do it. What other strategies or resources you might be able to call upon in order to create that experience? You know, even if it's, I want to blindfold you. Okay. Have you done some research on how to. How to approach a sexual environment where you take one of your partner's senses away from them in a thoughtful and intentional way? What are some of the things that she might have objections to or reservations about? So the more that you can come into the conversation in a. In a grounded way with the knowledge in order to answer her questions. Because in my experience, a lot of the time, it's so raw and vulnerable to even say the thing that we could spit it out, and then we might expect our partner to carry that for us. Hey, it's really important that I get this need met. Can you meet it for me? And then we're putting the onus on our partner, whether they're male or female, to sort out all of that other information instead of bringing them the information, which is such a great kindness. Right. And then leave space for them to have any sort of reaction. Again, if it's very sensitive and it's something you've been sitting on for a long time, it feels really urgent that you get this need met. You're bringing all of that energy into the conversation. She may have a negative reaction. You feel rejected now. You're like three steps back from where you were before you started this conversation. And when you get rejected in sex and sexuality, again, because it is so core to who we are, it feels like a very, very deep, very personal rejection. This is why so many men don't take the chances to even bring up their desires with partners, new or existing partners. Because the threat of being rejected is so scary that they would rather either repress that desire altogether, get it met through another means like porn or sex, work outside of the relations or a non consensual, non monogamous relationship. We need to be able to hold space for our partner to have a negative or a reaction that isn't in align with what we were hoping for and yet still hold the possibility that we can work together creatively to get all of our needs met. And then finally, if you are, if you are in the habit of approaching your partner with your own needs, wants and desires, making sure that you also are a safe space for her to share hers back, right? How many of us have trouble or resist whatever it is that a partner brings to us, Even if what they're bringing to us is I don't want to be intimate or in order to be intimate, I need A, B or C. I need you to slow down. I need a more sensual environment. Are you a safe space for her as her own desires, wants, needs shift in order for her to also be a safe space for you? One of my favorite tools for couples to use, and this is a phenomenal tool for people who are having sex for the first time. But people who have been in long term relationships don't tend to have these sort of conversations because we, we get into a habit, we know kind of how our flow is going to be and what kind of foreplay we're going to engage in. And so we fail to have these conversations. But this is a tool that's useful for everyone and the tool is BDSMR and has nothing to do with bondage and domination and sadomasochism. This is, this is a different framework, but B is boundaries. What are the, what's in and out of bounds for this session tonight? Right. Even creating the space to say I don't really want to have intercourse, I don't want to have penetration. A boundary could be. I want to make sure that we're both asleep by midnight. A boundary could be in order for me to engage, I need to make sure that all of the windows are closed and the doors are locked and that's the level of safety and security that I need in order to get into turn on. Can you help me to change up the environment and the lighting such that I can really get into this headspace with you? D is desires so what is it that we want for this evening? What. What is it that we. Or daytime or morning or whatever. What are our actual desires? And this is a really great tool to use on a date as well, right? I desire to please my partner. I desire to have you feel completely relaxed and enjoyed and in pleasure. I desire to play with this new toy that we got last week and we haven't tried out yet. Just naming what it is that you desire for the evening. Speaking it out loud even for yourself is really powerful. Safety better and more important for newer partners. Have we gotten tested recently? What other people are we engaging with? Are we fluid swapping or fluid bonded with anybody else? What kind of barriers are we going to use even in long term relationships? You know, maybe you're using natural family planning and so you're being really cautious about not conceiving a pregnancy. Do we need to use condoms this evening because we're close enough to ovulation that we want to make sure that we're using a barrier? M which is meaning what does this mean between us? And this is again, we, we could think of this primarily for people who are engaging in a new sexual relationship, but even in people in relationships that have existed for decades, what does this mean? Are we having sex because we're both really tired and we just need to connect physically because we're, we're working, we've got kids and we haven't had time to even have this physical connection. Is this something that we're looking to de stress to connect, to feel intimacy between us and then r which is the context of the relationship that we are in. If you are in a long term monogamous relationship, you could celebrate that like this is so cool. We're, we're married. We're, we're, we love each other. The state of our relationship is really good. We could also acknowledge that the state of our relationship could be better. Maybe we've been stressed and we've been fighting recently. We're moving through a really difficult financial period. And then for someone who's dating. What is the context of the relationship that we're in? Is this a one night stand? It can be really vulnerable to name that. I'm actually not available to create a relationship right now. And so this sex exists outside, outside of us planning to relate to each other or we're casually dating or we are engaged in creating a relationship right now and we're engaging sexually so that we can further invest in the intimacy of this relationship.

That is super helpful, I think. Would you recommend that that's something that people get in the habit of doing every time? Is that something that, like, if you're in a long term relationship, do you think that that's something that people can engage in every time or would you choose like one or two things out of what do you recommend?

Yeah, so make it easy for yourself. Right. If it's too difficult, we're not going to engage in it in the way that is going to be really productive. Right. We shouldn't be perfectionistic about this stuff. For spontaneous sex that you get to have because the kids went to sleep early or they're away for the weekend. I'd say if you have time to plan in advance, if you've scheduled sex, you scheduled a date night, you're going on a vacation, then at least having the boundaries and desires conversation.

Every time that you know you're going to be intimate in advance of having a chance to be intimate is really potent. I also really like engaging in this before a date for the date itself. And we can include intentions in there. So what are your boundaries for our date tonight? What are your intentions and what are your desires? If it all went your way, what would, how would you feel at the end of our date? How would we both be inside of the context of our date and what would be the actual visible, tangible results? Like we would both have a great belly laugh. We would leave feeling a little turned on and aroused and we would make sure that we had enough time to be physical maybe before we went and stuffed our faces with amazing pasta or something along those lines. Because we know that we have a tendency to get sleepy after we eat pasta. Right. Really simple, really easy. But we take for granted in long term relationships that we know each other really well and it doesn't leave space for us to be exactly who we are in this moment erotically.

Yeah, I like that. I think like sometimes my wife and I, you know, beforehand would be like, where are you at today? Where are you at? Like energetically, where are you at? What are you feeling today? You know, What? I guess I would fall underneath the desire category, right? Like, what are you desiring right now? And that can just be so much fun, you know, to. And, and then to have fun with that question, answering that question, right? It's like, you know, like, sometimes I'm like, I feel like a savage today. She's like, okay. It gives me some insight into what's what, you know, where you're at, probably sex. But I think that type of commentary and questioning can be so helpful to just get a baseline for where the other person is at energetically. Because sometimes it is like, I'm exhausted. I've got like, you know, 20 minutes at me max. And, you know, or like I, you know, whatever. Whatever it is. But I think especially in long term relationships, that's super helpful. When the complexities of life start to pile on, getting a sense, like a, a sexual pulse check is super helpful.

And it just, it even can just take a couple minutes. But it does so much to ground us into our own. We have to first go internally and ask, where am I right now? Right. And then share that with our partner. One of the things that I've experienced, not only in my own relationships, my clients experience, is mismatched expectations around how much time we're devoting for sex. Because a lot of men come to work with me on premature ejaculation or ejaculating earlier than they and their partner would like. And then suddenly they are able to last for 15 or 20 or 30 minutes, or they, they have control over when they ejaculate. And their partner, their female partner is used to having sex that lasts like three to five minutes. And now they really want to show off and flex their new skills. And, you know, they want to please her for an hour. And she's. She hasn't been included in that conversation. So she's used to it lasting not that long and does. Those are her expectations. And suddenly she's like, well, babe, like, I wanted to get to sleep by now, you know, and then it causes a breakdown that didn't actually need to be there.

Yeah, yeah, that's. I feel like that's an important one. I had a personal story come up, but I'll leave that alone. Okay, let's talk about the best way to create arousal with your partner and then some insights into how to initiate. Because I think a big thing for men is knowing whether or not they're creating arousal in an effective way and then, you know, struggling to initiate sex in a way that lands. I think obviously the big One the big caveat there is being able to face some of that rejection like you were talking about before. I think one of the big things that, that the majority of men, not all men, but I think the majority of men will have to face and confront at some point is their internal fear of rejection. And what I always say is like, you have to separate personhood from outcome, right? Just because you got a no or just because not right now doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you or that you're bad or that you're not desired and et cetera. And so we have to kind of separate those things. But I'm cur curious to get your take on those two parts. So, creating arousal and then best ways to initiate.

So I teach a system called the erotic Blueprints. It was created by my mentor Jaya. And I'm going to give you a rundown of the five blueprints because these answer so many questions on how to create arousal and initiate. Because they're going to give us a framework for the different ways the different blueprints in which people experience turn on. And it's, it's, it has the potential to shift exactly how you approach your partner, yourself, your own body, eroticism as a whole. So giving them in the order that I recommend that you approach with. Because we're going to move from least intense to most intense, but your partner is going to be different. And I'll speak on that in a minute. So we'll start with the energetic blueprint. These are people who are turned on by tease and anticipation and the space between us. These are folks for whom if you go straight to their genitals, straight to their nipples, they're going to short circuit because they are so sensitive. They're sensitive to the energy in the room and in the relationship. And so they're going to need to feel safe and to feel connected inside of that energy. And they're going to feel more turned on with less touch and less direct touch. They can have full body orgasms. They are incredibly erotically sensitive folks, but they don't really fit into our typical model of standard, you know, genital based arousal. So people tend to push right past the energetic connection. And then because they are sensitive, they'll sort of fry and they, they can, they can sort of burn out right away. Second erotic blueprint is the sensual blueprint. These are folks who are turned on by their five senses. They're also turned off by things in their five senses. So these are folks for whom having candles and something that smells nice. And having the sheets just right. But also having the room clean, having the laundry put away. You're laughing because you know. Essential, right?

I know that. Having the sheets right. Yeah. It's not me, but yeah, I know it.

They may need to shower before or after in order to feel really grounded in their body. They also have a tendency to lose an orgasm. This falls under the sensual blueprint. Like they'll get really close and then they kind of get stuck in their head and then the orgasm seems like it just disappeared. And so for them, they need more grounding, physical touch or sensory experience in order to really stay inside of their body throughout a sexual encounter. They also can have full body orgasms. They're also really sensitive. They have a really high tolerance for pleasure. Most of them. They can take a lot of cuddling and then a bath and then some kissing and then lovemaking and then maybe some more cuddling. They have a. They tend to, not all of them, but they have the highest tolerance for pleasure of any blueprint. Third erotic blueprint is the sexual blueprint. This is a blueprint that all of us have been conditioned in, but especially men. And this is the blueprint of turn on by naked bodies, bodies, genitals. These folks are very focused on orgasm and physical performance inside of the bedroom. And for them, their superpower is really the simplicity of their sexuality. They don't need a great energetic connection. They don't need the sheets to be right. They're like naked bodies and genitals. They're ready to go. They're into it. Unfortunately, the downside is that they can struggle to understand the other blueprints and they can struggle to meet their partner and meet their erotic needs because they've been conditioned that their sexuality is how sexuality works as a whole and that we should not need anything extra in order to be aroused and get turned on. And again, because men are conditioned this way, then they're approaching women. I've talked to plenty of men for whom they expect that they are the sexual blueprint. And then as we've done our work together, we realized that they are the energetic blueprint. And that is why they are dealing with some of the erection or ejaculation issues that they are because they're very sensitive and they've just been blowing out their. Their nervous system, engaging in, in sex. Like that really wasn't exactly what they would want to create if they had this framework. The fourth blueprint is the kinky blueprint. And kink has a really, really wide meaning inside of the blueprint universe, which is that anything that is either physically or psychologically taboo can be kinky. So, yes, whips and chains and bondage totally counts as kinky, but so does the, like, maybe fantasy that you're sharing or the, like, little role play or, you know, bringing in language like daddy or degrading language or anything. Anything that is outside of the norm. For some people, anything that isn't missionary is kinky because we're not supposed to be doing it. And for some folks that are pretty advanced kink practitioners, they can end up developing a. A really wide and creative vocabulary. Kinky folks and people who are really blessed with this blueprint are the most creative people. I mean, they could take anything, turn it into a sex toy or an experience, or use it. Use it erotically. By the same token, the shadow side of the kink blueprint is that we can develop a tolerance where we need more and more and more intensity in order to reach the same levels of arousal that people. I mean, my experience, almost everyone has, like, a tiny bit of kinkiness inside of them. All of us like to feel like we're breaking a rule from time to time. Playing in the taboo can be really arousing. And if we think that we don't have access to that, it's really a great place to find turn on. Because for almost everyone, there is something there. And then just to wrap it up, the final blueprint is the shapeshifter. And this is someone who needs the other four. So it's not. It's not that they can just speak the other four languages. It's that they actually, in order to feel their most fulfilled need to express themselves in all of the other four blueprints. And they tend to be told that they're too much, that their needs are too great, that they. They're insatiable, but really it's just that they have a wide vocabulary and need to, in order to experience fulfillment, express themselves in all of those different blueprints. So energetic, sensual, sexual, kinky and shape shifter. So to go back to your initial question, how do we create arousal in our partner? Well, if we look at them and our sex life through this framework, it answers a lot of questions for how someone needs to be approached in order to engage in turn on. If you identify as a sexual and your partner is. Is a sensual blueprint and you are, you know, going for a heavy makeout and touching her body and groping her and all that, she's actually going to probably retreat because it might be Too much too fast. And what she really needs is a grounding massage that helps her to get into her body so that she can access her turn on. Maybe you're an energetic and you're approaching your kinky partner with like why I just want to eye gaze with you and let's meditate together and let's, and let's do some breathing together and we'll do like hand over heart and let's just like feel each other. And your kinky partner might be like, well there's nothing that, that is exciting my taboo about this again. Maybe they can use their creative imagination to make it kind of taboo. But where you're, where you're approaching them may not be exactly where they need to be approached. And most of us have one blueprint for whom or for, for which arousal starts within. So you might move quickly, you might need energetic and then like bam, you're right in the sexual blueprint. Like as soon as I feel the energy between us is good arousal genitals, let's go. But everybody's going to be wired a little bit differently according to this framework.

I really want you to know that at least a dozen times I have had to restrain myself from making some type of like 15 year old comment. Not, not because of anything you're saying. Just because I love this conversation and there is a part of me that.

Like I think finds so much joy and humor in this. Like I love sex and I love this conversation and I by nature am a very lewd, crude sexual human being and my humor has always been very sexual in nature. Like that's, that's been a huge, that's always been a huge part of me. And so as you were talking, you know, like the eye gazing into each other's, you know, eyes like the energetic and the, the kinky person. And I just got a, you know, visual of the kinky person being like, yeah, I just like I can do that. We need to do it naked and I probably need a butt plug. You know, like yeah, there you go. Like find the compromise between the energetic and, and the kinky. So that's, that's what I was giggling. Talk to me a little bit about, you know, when, when a man is trying to. Because I, I do think that the blueprint is very helpful.

Know are needing some commonality between them and some better understanding of their partner and learning how to speak their language. I think that can be incredibly helpful. Are some people more susceptible to arousal through, through just touch than others? Are some people more susceptible to arousal Just energetically through emotional connection. Like, I think that there's a couple different gamuts. Is it helpful to really understand, like, oh, my partner will find arousal through physical touch, or my partner needs that emotional connection in order to access their arousal. Like, is that helpful for couples to figure out as well?

Right. Or even maybe verbal communication? Right. I find that if I text my partner earlier in the day and start sort of seeding that I'm turned on, or that we might have sex later, that that helps them to get to arousal because they have a long period of time to build up their own desire and intrigue. So we have to talk about the distinction between responsive and spontaneous desire. And maybe you're familiar, your listeners are familiar. So give the briefest overview. Responsive a spontaneous desire is when we can feel erotic desire and turn on spontaneously. Like we, we might think about sex and it's on our mind and then we are aroused and we are interested in engaging sexually Responsive desire. Usually physical turn on in the body precedes the desire for sex itself. So these are folks who move throughout the world. They're not necessarily thinking about sex or just getting aroused throughout their day, but if they approach their own body or their partner approaches their body or approaches them with words, approaches them with energy, once their body starts getting aroused, then their mind can actually go to a place where they desire sex. So it, the question is, do you get desire and then turn on in your body? Do you get turned on in your body and follow it with desire? And it is not exclusively a male or female thing, but more women have responsive desire turn on first. And a lot of men identify with having spontaneous desire. So in order to understand how to best approach your partner, you also have to understand if they have responsive desire. And this is really interesting when we talk about the fear of rejection, right? Because you are going to coming after a conversation and a communication and trust and safety is established. I think that's really important to say because if trust and safety are not established, then those have. Those are critical for turn on, those are critical for orgasm. We cannot bypass those. If you know that your partner has primarily responsive desire, you may actually need to figure out with her how you can physically approach her and her body in such a way that she will begin to experience turn on and thus experience desire. I work with a lot of women who are like, I would like to be having sex more, but I recoil when my partner touches me and I think that he wants to have sex with me, right? But then every time that we do and this is a great indication that you have responsive desire is afterwards you're like, that was such a great idea. Why don't we do that more often? I, I, I really do enjoy sex. Like things like, what the hell? Exactly. Right. Because we don't, we, we, we really want to be careful to not overstep someone's boundaries. And this is where those boundaries and desires, conversations can come in. Is not having intercourse really a boundary for this evening? Or are there other boundaries that we could put into place that would make it possible for us to explore intercourse?

What would you say to a man.

In terms of how to approach the situation where his partner doesn't really know what she wants and she's not really tuned into her body or her sexual desires? Because I think that's a situation that a lot of men, you know, I hear a lot of men who are married or in a long term relationship and they're like, she doesn't really know what she wants and she's not super happy with our sex life, but she's not really able to articulate what it is that she wants or she desires or she caves. How would you approach that?

Right. And a lot of the men that come to me or comment on my YouTube videos are feeling so frustrated and so alone and isolated that they are the only person who, who they feel or perceive in the relationship who really cares to do the work to carry the torch to create a better sex life for both of them.

Yes.

And to all of those men, I say keep going.

Yeah.

I salute you. Keep learning, keep investing in, you know, the study of, of eroticism and sexuality because it's, don't, it's not wrong that one person cares more about that than the other. We could get so frustrated thinking that the other person needs to care in the exact same way. I guarantee that there's nothing in your relationship that you both about in the exact same way at the exact same time with the exact same intensity. Right. If there are maybe a few things, you're very lucky. But someone is probably pulling forward on planning the vacation or getting the groceries or you know, caring more that we're up to date with our communications. Like, let's not make that wrong. Whoever's carrying the torch of this, let's just cheer them on and appreciate that they're doing it for both of us. To get back to the question, it is not a coincidence that a lot of women in particular don't know what they want want sexually. So I think approaching that subject itself with compassion, men, especially men in their sub, 40, now 40 years old, have been exposed a lot to porn. And porn, if you are watching a wide variety of porn, you're going to naturally be exposed to a way larger variety of sexual practices than your female partner. She doesn't even know what exists out there. Right. She doesn't even know what the options are, are. And so you, you may be coming with this really rich vocabulary and really thinking, I've seen a lot of stuff over the 20 years or so that I've had access to Internet pornography and even before then, magazines and things along those lines. So her whole erotic vocabulary is less. Right. I personally, I'm a professional, so I came from a research background, but I've been working as a sex and relationship coach for nine years. And I, I in my marriage, which I got, went through a divorce last year, but now that I've been dating again, I'm getting exposed to all of these, like, new and interesting practices. You know, I have a partner who's like, you know, occasionally bringing things out. I'm like, this never even occurred to me. And it's because I don't consume the same erotic resources as he. Also, I'm way more focused on helping other people expand their sex life than I am really into, you know, investing really heavily in creating, I will say, more unique erotic experiences for myself. But every so often, even I am like, where did you get this idea? Right? So you, you know, if you have the erotic creativity, like, understand that that is a gift and you get to bring that into your relationship. But where to start? I would start with the things that, you know, work have worked in the past, and then move one step adjacent to those. So if you know that massaging, for example, you know that if you rub her shoulders or her feet, that helps her get into the body, she becomes more aroused, that responsive desire kicks in. Can you give her a yoni massage, which is a massage to the vagina and vulva? Like, can you expand in this way? Okay, now we know that that turns you on as well. Okay, let's take that one step further and maybe we take a class together. Maybe we hire a coach, Maybe we look at some material that's not necessarily really pornographic in nature.

Pretend to be the masseuse.

Yeah, I love. See, look at you. Yeah, they love that, right? We can introduce some role play. We can bring in some taboo in this. I think we have a tendency, at least my clients have a tendency to want to skip all of the incremental steps between the sex life that they're having and the sex life that they could be having. Couple that with the emphasis on the sexual blueprint and the fact that we don't even know that there's options like eye gazing or meditating naked together while making little groans along with the chakra tones. Like, there's so much that doesn't at first seem like it is explicitly erotic, but actually could lead to turn on. And so the other piece of this, and you can't control this in another person, but you can invite it into your own life and you can be the model. And the example for it is, is we've been conditioned, men especially, to not be sexual beings in most of our lives, right. We sort of like cut off the erotic part of us at the door when we enter into the dinner party or into the workplace or into a, you know, religious establishment, which I'm not saying that you need to like, lead with your genitals or turn on in any of those environments, but when we have the habit of sort of leaving that part of ourselves at the front door and picking it up only when we enter into a bedroom with our romantic partner partner, we're not really engaging in the fullness of our turn on and what's possible for us. So we don't find things to be sexually relevant or erotically relevant that could be relevant in that way. So great example, Central blueprint folks, myself included. Food can be really turn. It can, it can be a really arousing experience, right? If like. And, you know, essential blueprint person, because they will moan when they eat something delicious. They'll be like eating a berry. Like, this is the best BlackBerry I've ever had. I'm like, that's. There's essential over on table three. You know, but if we don't allow that in, if we're so used to tamping down and repressing that part of us, then we're not going to actually be able to see those experiences when they arrive in front of us and could be part of our turn on.

Yeah, it's. It's interesting because I think, I think a couple things like what I, I mean, my wife is a marriage and family therapist and so we work with couples all the time on, on this type of stuff. And one of the things that, that I've said to a lot of guys is like, look, if you. This is a strange analogy sometimes, but like, imagine that you love art and you are just, you're just so passionate about artwork and you're in relationship with somebody who's like, I like It. I like going to the art gallery, and it's kind of cool to look at the paintings, but I don't really get the whole thing, and I'm not really too sure what to look for. You get to be the person that leads the passion on that front and can help to broaden and open up the horizons. And I think what I usually say is, you know, have a type of dialogue or a conversation around. Are you open to exploring some things that you might not know about? And we can talk about it, and we can, you know, maybe some of it would be uncomfortable, but are you open to just exploring some of those things that maybe I creatively can lead? And I think for a lot of people, that is incredibly helpful because then it depressurizes, especially for women. It's like, well, I don't know what I want. I don't know what I. I feel pressure then to be able to communicate that to you. And that in and of itself is a, like, desexualizing situation. Right? It's like, you're putting me on the spot. Now I got to think about what I want. I don't really know. Now I feel shame about that. It's activating, all of that. And so when we. When we can sort of take the lead on that front and say, okay, I'll curate. Just keep the art analogy alive. I'll curate some experiences. Are you open to that? And, you know, you can sort of pick and choose the. The wing of the art museum that we go into. And I found that for. I'm really going in on this analogy, but I found that for a lot of couples, that's super, super helpful for. For the partner, whether it's the man or the woman who doesn't feel like they have the same sexual palette as the other person might have or experience or knowledge or, you know, fill in the blank. So that can be incredibly helpful. So let's shift gears and talk a little bit about techniques specifically for men. Obviously, you work with a lot of guys who maybe struggle with premature ejaculation or staying hard. Can you talk to us a little bit about how can a man last longer in bed? What are the tools for this? Where do most guys go astray? Is there anything that they need to know about causality that leads to this? This is obviously a big question that a lot of guys have.

Have huge question. And let me give you my structure for approaching premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, and delayed ejaculation. So no matter what a guy is dealing with, when he comes to me, I'm going to look at these pieces because they're foundational. And even though those three things.

As a phenomenon look very different and the physical experience of dealing with ejaculating too soon versus not getting hard versus not ejaculating at all are very distinct, the causes can be remarkably similar. There's kind of. I found that it sort of manifests in a different way in different bodies and different minds. So we're always going to start with the physiological stuff. We're going to look at the body. This is really important for erectile dysfunction because erectile function is like the check engine light for the body. It is such a great indication that something is amiss. Whether that thing be blood pressure or diabetes or stress or resenting your partner. It is, is unclear, just like the check engine light in our car, exactly what is going on. We have to figure out we to do some more detective work to know what's causing it to go off. But we should not ignore it because it could be getting worse in the meantime.

Isn't that check engine light just like. I'll, I'll be very literal for a moment. The check engine light on your car is probably the most frustrating thing for a man because it's like, why the is this light going off? And, and it's unclear as to why the light is going off. Like it could be a billion different things. So anyway, I just wanted to throw that in there. The male frust of the check engine lights, very real, right.

And just to be clear, you don't need to be getting hard and staying hard every single sexual encounter, right? If you are getting hard 75, 80% of the time, amazing. You're, you're a body, not a machine, right? If you're finding that maybe less than half of the time, or when you're masturbating or you're not waking up on occasion with an erection, that's the time where you need to look under the hood to continue the metaphor. If you're dealing with premature ejaculation physiologically, that's usually tension in your pelvic floor. If we're looking just at the physical body body, a lot of men carry a lot of tension inside of their pelvic floor. They were, you know, as children. Most men are raised by women. They throw babies up on their hip without, you know, any consideration to the experience of having testicles. Men go through a period in middle school where they're constantly having their, their testicles.

It's like a cup, check cup Check. It's a little slap to the balls. Yeah, right.

There's sort of this constant like up and in motion. Right. And then the, the term that I love the most is tight ass is very, literally comes from squeezing your ass cheeks together to protect your anus, whether that's conscious or unconscious. All of this has an up and in motion that causes the pelvic floor of men to become very tight and.

Very weak and sucking your, your lower abdomen in. A lot of, a lot of guys that I've worked with, they're, they like as in, you know, to not have a belly because we just hold weight in our abdomen. I used to, I used to be notorious for this. This is why I'm also. I used to like suck the lower part of my belly and to, you know, make it look like I had a six pack when it was more like a four pack, you know, or maybe even a three pack. Two at the top, and then just rest.

But low key flex.

Yeah, right.

It's like. Yeah, yeah. There's nothing to see here. But I think that also is an up and in. So I didn't mean to interrupt.

Yes, no, you're totally right. In the lower absolute abdomen is very deeply connected to the pelvic floor. So if you are pulling up and in and holding tension, even if it's unconscious, like I hold tension in my shoulders, I'm not like purposely doing that to give you, you know, give these lats a show off. But anywhere that we're unconsciously holding tension is going to build up over time. The consequence of that is for many men, the tight pelvic floor causes premature ejaculation. Because my favorite definition of orgasm is the pleasurable release of tension. And if you're starting with a baseline of a lot of tension, you're that much closer to reaching orgasm. Now, this is not universally true for all men that are dealing with this, but these are some great place to start looking. So after we look in the physical, then I go to the mental. The stories that we tell ourselves about sex. The ticker tape of thoughts that is running when we are engaging with a partner, when we're afraid of being rejected, when we are dealing with a shame, unconscious or conscious around ourselves being sexual people. What messages did you get from and that. That you have espoused really about yourself and your sexuality and then moving on to your emotional body. Body. Because delayed ejaculation, but also erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. There's a direct. I was just talking to somebody yesterday who after a 20 plus year, mostly sexless marriage where he was dealing with premature ejaculation, is now out and dating and he's dealing with delayed ejaculation. So he used to ejaculate early, now he can't ejaculate at all. And he said he feels quite numb. And I said, and I started asking him questions about his emotional state and his experience of being divorced. And you know what he, what he continued to come back to me was with like men, I don't really feel that much about it. I don't really, I don't, I don't, I don't really like, I don't feel like there's anything there to process. And I don't really feel a lot for the women that I'm sleeping with now that I'm divorced. And a lot of people, men and women, miss how symbolic our genitals are and how like, metaphorical we could look at our sex life. It is a microcosm of the rest of our lives. And the way you do one thing is the way you do everything. So if you feel numb in your genitals, consider do I feel numb in other areas of my life? Have I repressed my emotions such that I actually just don't feel. That actually may have a lot to do with how you are experiencing your body. And then I also move through relational and cultural aspects as well as spiritual aspects. Because the relationship itself, a lot of people come to me because they think that they want to fix what's going on in their bedroom. But actually what's going on is the relationship is, is maybe just past due. Maybe they've stuck it out. They really don't have a healthy emotional connection. They don't love each other in the way that they used to. If they can work through that, amazing, great. And a lot of folks end up discovering that maybe the reason that I'm not getting erect is because my body is literally protesting going inside of her body because it doesn't feel safe for me to be vulnerable with her in that way.

Yeah, it's interesting how much of it is psychological and emotional. You know, I, I have this saying that I've been talking to men more about because men are always like, why? Why should I do body work? Why I should do somatic work? You know, it's like, I like living in my head. What's the problem with that? Why do I need to get into my body? And I've gotten in the habit of telling men like, your body is the mind of your unconscious. Your b. Your body is the. The vessel of your unconscious brain and your emotions, your desires, you know, all of those things, they live in your body. And so your body will protest and, you know, you over sometimes or prevent you from doing things that you want to be doing or just act in a way that you're like, what are you doing, buddy? Because it's trying to communicate something. And I think largely we as men, we have not been taught how to hear or read the data and the information from our physical bodies. And so I appreciate what you're saying in many ways because that is a. Helps men understand. Okay, where do you actually look when that check engine light is on? How big of. Just to kind of go a little bit deeper into that.

What role does the breath play in.

Ejaculation? In get. Staying, getting and staying hard and coming too soon, you know, not being able to come at all. Talk to me a little bit about when you're working with a man where it does the breath play into a sexual interaction, whether it's solo or with somebody.

I'm so glad that you asked because it's actually one of the most important and key components that I teach in my trainings and in my clients is our breath. Because it is such a powerful tool and something that I can give to men to start with, where they can start to see results immediately. So to ground that inside of the science and coming back to what I said earlier about safety and trust being so vital for our sexual response, true for men and for women, in order to reach a high level of arousal and to reach climax, all bodies past once, once we're really like past puberty, where our hormones will just like get us there because they are just ready to procreate.

Boaters on the school bus.

Yes, exactly. You can be just wherever super stressed out, not feel safe or comfortable at all, and still direct and even still ejaculate. But for most of us as we age, we lose those abilities somewhat gratefully. We need to be able to experience safety in our nervous system in order to have a great sexual response, which means that we need to be able to engage our parasympathetic nervous system, the feed and breed, rest and digest nervous system. Breath work in particular is really powerful to move us out of that fight, orf flight, sympathetic response and into the parasympathetic nervous system. And it is also really effective and one of the ways that I really engage it, especially on premature ejaculation. But really anything that you're dealing with, even if you just Want to have great sex, right. Is engaging breath that combines activating the pelvic floor, AKA Kels. Most people will be familiar with pelvic floor strengthening exercises, Kegels or Kegels, depending on who you ask. What I have found is that teaching men how to pair that motion of, of moving their pelvic floor and not just up and in. Again, referring back to what I said earlier, we also need to have out and down action or what's known as a reverse Kegel. And then we combine that with our breath. And you can do that by breathing in while squeeze or breathing out while you squeeze. There's different schools of thoughts on that. I found that really what matters is that you're playing with it. And often with men, as I give them the reverse kegel and sort of instruct them to think about sort of pushing the elevator down past the first floor into the basement, they will find that they actually lack the brain body connection in order to do that. And it takes time, a lot of time. A couple weeks of dedicated practice where you're doing maybe a set of 10 kegels three times a day, and you will figure out how to get your pelvic floor to respond. And once you have to your point about somatics earlier, a relationship with your pelvic floor that is not just based on performance. And this is another thing that I, as a side note, instruct my clients to do is develop a relationship with your genitals, with your penis that is not based strictly on performance. Like how many men approach their genitals with just expectations. And he didn't respond the way that I wanted to. Like if this guy was your forehead friend and you didn't call him unless you only wanted him to do stuff for you and then he kind of stopped answering the phone, would you really be that surprised? You never said thank you for any of the great things that he did. And then you just expected him to continue to do all of those while you shamed him for not being big enough or hard enough or powerful enough or lasting long enough. No surprise that he's not giving like great collaborative relationship with you. And then to come back to breath work. Engaging in breath work. Or again, that that paired breathing and motion, even five minutes before you go into a sexual encounter, whether that's solo sex or masturbation or sex that you're going to have with another person, helps to ground you inside of your body. It's going to make you feel safer for her. It's going to get you into your Nervous system. The person who has the most nervous system momentum inside of a sexual encounter, really any encounter, tends to win. So if you have. If you're headed in a. To a downregulated place and you've brought yourself there and over time you have a certain degree of mastery over that, then you can be the mirror, you can be the anchor that helps her to get there as well. And you'll be doing both of you a favor. And you can engage in breath work as a pair or as partners as well as, like, some of the best foreplay, whether you're energetic or not.

Can you give like a, like a quick thing that guys could do and try? Like, is it inhale, you know, inhale at the top of the. Inhale, inhale, flex the, you know, flex the perineum and then exhale at the mouth. Like, what would something simple be that a guy could do just to sort of practice that and get in contact with that part of his body.

So easiest thing that you can do is squeeze your pelvic floor. These are the muscles that would be stopping the flow of urine. If you're using the bathroom as you exhale, and if you are practicing this at home, I invite you to consider, consider if you don't have a very strong pelvic floor, this. We don't need to go 10 out of 10. We can do like a 3 out of 10. We're still going to get benefits.

Yeah. In fact, don't. Don't go 10 out of 10.

Don't. Please don't. There's. There are no trophies.

Yes.

Like, you don't want to hurt yourself in that place.

Yeah. So the reason that I like exhaling while you're engaging and pulling up the pelvic floor is that when you exhale and you clear the breath out of the abdomen, you're actually making more space for you to squeeze up and in without putting any additional pressure on your lower abs or your, your organs. And then pushing down, gently pushing down towards the chair that you're sitting on while you inhale. Because the, the as you inhale, you're putting more downward pressure on those organs. It creates a downward move movement in the body. And it's a little easier if you find it difficult to do that. Reverse kegel, the push down. I invite you to put two fingers between the. On your paran. Between Uranus and testicle. And even if you don't feel any motion happening there while you're pushing down and taking a breath in, just planting your fingers there will help your body to locate the muscle that you are trying to engage. And then if you're with a partner, you can invite her to do this. You the two again, multiple ways of doing this. But my absolute favorite is to inhale when she's exhaling and exhale when she is in inhaling. And you can, there's. You can play with this with every combination. She can be inhaling while squeezing up and in. I usually like that. I like to have them like be completely paired. You're exhaling and pushing out, she's inhaling and squeezing in. And then you switch back and forth while you're making eye contact. And you could do this for three to five minutes. You can go beyond that.

It is a really phenomenal way to sync your nervous systems. When we are engaging our pelvic floor in this way, we're also engaging the nerves that are associated with turn on and orgasms. Again, if she's got responsive desire, this is a great way to ground her and her nervous system. But also just the process of activating these muscles causes turn on. It can make us want to engage in sexual activity and we can choose to do that or not.

Awesome. Thank you. I think that's very, very helpful for the guys that are tuning in and for the couples, I think that's also a very helpful exercise that couples can do because I know a lot of couples tune into my show. I wanted to talk to you about meditation during masturbation as a tool because one of the things that I've talked to men about is especially men that are trying to quit porn is the like re connection and resensitization to their own bodies. Because for a lot of men, because we're so externalized and we use porn, you know, a lot of guys will use porn for a very long time. They'll have not really masturbated without some type of external stimulus or you know, the, the highlight reel that a lot of guys have stored in their brain, past sexual experiences or porn they've watched in the past.

Talk to us a little bit about meditation during masturbation. What does that look like? Why should a guy do it? And, and maybe a little bit about how.

Yeah. So using external stimulus, even if it's inside of our own mind and pulling on memories, disconnects us from our own body's ability to experience turn on and arousal just through our own presence, our own mindfulness, our own physical touch. And, and I guarantee, and I think this is so important for me to state right off the top that even if you have tried this and then you found that you weren't getting hard or your, your erection or your ejaculation felt like very unfamiliar and strange to you when you were initially trying this. It doesn't mean that you, it's not working. It might take you weeks in order to be able to experience even an erection without porn. And I know you talk about this stuff too, but I find a lot of my clients have attempted and then it was a difficult experience. And when they, you know, realized that they weren't getting erect, they freaked out, they panicked. They thought that this was going to be this way forever. And so I want to just assure you that it, it doesn't, it's not going to be this way forever. But it does take just like quitting drugs or alcohol or establishing a new exercise routine. It takes time and practice.

It's like, it's like going. If I could just interject for a moment. It's like when I stopped drinking and I would go out with my friends to a bar, to a restaurant and they're all still having drinks. It's like, oh, how do I have fun in this moment because I'm so used to drinking. It's sort of like that. And you do. Your body needs a time to like re. Acclimate to a new way of experiencing pleasure.

Yeah. And staying focused on why you are doing this during those difficult times is going to be what helps you when you're, you know, alone at home with your laptop and you want to stay true to your goals. The reason that I love meditation, masturbation, and you can do this on your own, just with a simple step by step process. I have a YouTube video that walks you through it. You also can download an audio. There are tons of great masturbation meditations available with all kinds of different sort of levels of spirituality to them. Some of them have a lot of instruments, instructions. Some of them are, you know, really lengthy and some can be done in like 10 to 15 minutes. So there's a lot of variety. I think this is something that has actually gained. I've seen a lot more people talking about this over the last year or so. So I think it's something that is really picking up steam. The reason that I like this, especially for people who are maybe engaging in a conscious self pleasure practice for the first time, is that it gives our mind something to focus on and to track and to guide us inside of a place that might be really unfamiliar. You may have never self pleasured or masturbated.

With this level of intense focus on yourself and on your body ever before. But I invite you to consider that this is a, this is a right, this is a right to having a body. I personally was really fortunate because I figured out how to masturbate as a lot of us do as a child. And like around the age of three or four and no one intervened. I don't think I was necessarily like doing this in the living room. I was fortunate enough to have parents who, who, who while they didn't ever encourage me, also never shamed me for that. And so by the time that I was a teenager and I got to sex ed class and they were projecting the six foot wide, you know, genitals with all kinds of open syphilis wounds in them.

I was like, that is not what I've been experiencing at home. You know, what I've been doing at that point for a decade or more has been mostly to related, really fun. And this is not that. And I know that this isn't that. And I was so eager to start experimenting with other people because I just knew that it was going to be like a great time. Right. I attribute so much of that to the relationship that I have with sex and sexuality today. And the reason that I'm able to have orgasms easily and experience really high levels of pleasure without having too much. You know, of course I'm still a human. I have my obstacles, but I know how to work through them. And I know that I can go back to my body and rely on my body to respond in this way. If you haven't had that, then you need to give yourself the privilege and the, the blessing of creating your own experience with your own body, which you have every right to, and exploring your own pleasure and doing that with a guide that will make sure that, you know, you keep going for the full 20 or 30 minutes. Because something I say, especially for men who are dealing with early ejaculation, you practice how you play. If you're lasting five minutes in bed, are you potentially lasting five, five minutes in masturbation as well? So we're kind of putting these guardrails on. It's an example of setting boundaries for ourself that is going to create an environment where we can engage and create that relationship with ourself.

Awesome. Okay, we need to do part two. There's so much more that we did not get a chance to talk about. And so how would you feel about coming back on later this year? And we'll gather a bunch of like, questions from the people that Tune in in the show. Couples, singles. Would that work? How do you feel about that?

I would love to.

Cool.

Yes, please.

Because I, I feel like we covered some good ground and some good basis, but I think that this is like one of those dialogues that I would love to return to a couple times because it's, it's like feel like we could have scheduled a four hour conversation and that probably would have been more sufficient.

But this will at least give, give my audience a chance to respond and drop some questions in and then we can double back on all those things. So in the meantime, anything that you want to leave people with and where can they find you and your work?

You can find me on YouTube. That's where I primarily live online by searching Caitlin V, that's C A I T L I N V as in victorious. And what I want you left with is that your desires, no matter what they are, no matter how out there unconventional they seem, or vanilla and very conventional they seem, are worth pursuing. And as you move throughout the world pursuing them, you will hit roadblocks. Anything that is truly worth doing is going to require you to believe in your, your ability and your right to do it, to get it done. But don't let those roadblocks stop you. Don't give up on getting your needs met. And you might get them met and realize actually that isn't something that I truly want to do. But I think the unexplored life, especially when it comes to sex and sexuality, is something that we should not go to our deathbeds regardless, regretting that we didn't try to explore and have ourselves be fully sexual expressed. And if you need anyone's permission to do it, I'm giving that to you right now. You have full permission to be an erotic being and to create the sexual life that you desire.

Beauty. You know, you and I, before we jumped on the recording, we were talking about like women's, you know, female coaches and therapists, especially in the space of working with men and working with men sexually. And I think, you know, a big piece of what I've always said is exactly what you just did. There is like, I think a lot of men are looking to win for permission and they're looking to women for permission around certain things, especially in the realm of sex and sexuality. And so I think there's a huge role there that, that practitioners like yourself are playing for men in supporting them. And yeah, so I'm, I really appreciate you coming on the show. Thank you so much for your time. This has been a blast. I feel like we are to maybe next time we'll book two hours. We'll, we'll see. And we'll, we'll just, like, dive deep into the questions because I think there's going to be a lot, a lot, a lot of value there. So thank you so much for your time, everybody that's out there. Don't forget, as always, man it forward. Share this episode with somebody that you know will enjoy it. This is probably something that you should tune into with your partner. It's probably that episode that you tune in with them and it'll probably open up a dialogue, conversation. Maybe you ask some questions based on what we talked about about. And if you're watching this on YouTube, drop some questions in below. We'll gather those and bring them in for next time. Till next time, this is Connor Beaton signing off.