What A Sexless Marriage REALLY Does To A Man And How To Resolve It

Is a sexless marriage and relationship really that bad for men? I see this online all the time. I get messages from men who say, "I'm in a sexless marriage. We haven't had sex in 3 years. We haven't had sex in 6 months. You know, I've been in this relationship for a couple years now and it's turned sexless." The truth is that being in a sexless relationship can have a very negative impact on men. You see, a sexless marriage or relationship isn't just about the lack of intimacy. It's about the absence of connection and what that absence of connection actually does to the mind and the body and the sense of self inside of that man. Rejection for men can hurt like a physical wound. Science has actually shown that rejection registers in the brain just like a physical pain. And the truth is that in most relationships, not every single one, but in many, many relationships, the sexual rejection that's happening is oftentimes the sexual rejection of the man's advances. Every no from his partner feels like not just a disappointment, but a real measurable pain, something that is physical. And every single time he gets rejected, cortisol spikes, he gets stressed out. And soon that man begins to tag not just sex or hugs or kisses, but even simple touches, sitting next to each other, will start to register and get labeled as dangerous, as a threat. And a man can start to find himself in a place of apathy because of this. His nervous system will learn reaching out for physical connection equals pain. Now, the next thing that starts to happen in a sexless relationship is a kind of hormonal crash. There's a kind of hormonal crash. So this is where it starts to get a little worse. So, and this isn't to scare you, this is just talking to you about the biology and the neuroscience behind what happens. So as more and more rejection stacks up, up, what you'll start to see is testosterone beginning to decrease. The psychological damage, on the other hand, on a bit of a primal level, I guess you could say, women have really— women are really in relationships the gatekeepers of sex and intimacy, okay? Women are the gatekeepers of sex and intimacy, and generally speaking, men are the gatekeepers of commitment. And this is the dance that's always happening when dating starts, right? Is women are saying, they're dictating, they're determining when and if sex and intimacy is going to happen. And a lot of the times men are the ones that are dictating whether or not commitment and longevity is going to happen. And when a woman that a man has vowed to love, he's committed to her, he said, "Yes, I wanna do this life with you. I wanna have a relationship with you." And that woman, begins to turn herself off, or something has happened in the relationship and she's retreated, or the sex that she started, that she wanted to have in the beginning of the relationship, she's no longer into, or she just starts to consistently say no, the message isn't just not tonight that that man receives psychologically, the message is you are unworthy. You're undesirable, there's something wrong with you, you're failing as a man. Now, this in some relationships is even more poignant because for some women, they will either directly or indirectly withhold sexual connection based on how they perceive their male partner to be showing up as a partner, as a husband, as a boyfriend. And so for some women, what will start to happen is, I don't like, you know, that you didn't do certain chores around the house, and so I'm going to withhold sex. And so sex starts to become this kind of bargaining tool or bargaining chip that says, when you behave properly, then intimacy happens, and when you don't, intimacy doesn't happen. So here are a few steps for you to start to rebuild intimacy if you have found yourself in a sexless relationship. Number 1, start to rebuild that emotional connection, that emotional safety. Begin to talk about things that you enjoy. Start to open up again. Begin to reconnect and begin to undo the association that closeness of any kind with this other person equals pain, equals rejection. The second step that you're going to wanna take is practicing, practicing what I call non-demanding connection or expectationless desire, okay? Expectationless desire. So you're gonna want to practice this expectationless desire. I'm just gonna bring my desire to you without the expectation that it's going somewhere. I'm gonna bring my arousal to you without the expectation it's gonna go somewhere. We're gonna hold hands and hug and make out without any expectations that it needs to go anywhere. And this can be very, very helpful for recreating some sexual and physical trust. Last piece is that you and your partner begin to co-create, recreate the vision for your sex life. Talk about what you want it to look like, sound like, feel like. How do you want to feel when it's happening? How do you want to feel in the lead-up to it? Really start to create a vision for what the two of you want, because what can happen when sexless marriages and relationships go on is that our brains become conditioned to fixate on all of the stuff that we do not want. And 9 times out of 10, when the couple is— willing to confront the thing that led to the sexless marriage or the sexless relationship in the first place, what oftentimes happens on the other side is incredible, incredible sexual intimacy and connection. So this is probably an episode that you wanna listen to with your partner. So, men it forward, send this to your partner, listen to it or watch it with them, and start to work through some of these pieces. It might be a good discussion point. To begin the process of reconciliation, to move through some of the resentment or some of the disconnection that has happened between you and them. As always, until next week, this is Connor Beaton signing off. See you next time.