When Shame Becomes Your Identity - Live Coaching Session

All right, my friend, welcome to the arena. Uh, glad to have you here. And, uh, for those that are listening, we are going to dive in and kind of do a one-on-one session. If you've tuned in to some of my other sessions that are like this, you kind of know what to expect. Um, but why don't we start off with what you're looking to address? How you actually— how are you feeling? How are you feeling coming to this? I know there's a lot of emotion right before we hit record, just kind of getting into what you're going to talk about. And so, how are you feeling just before we even start?

Yeah, thanks, Connor. I'm feeling elated. I'm feeling that there's this heaviness in my chest that's been there for a long, long time. I'm feeling Obviously some fear and a little bit of excitement as well. But most, most of it is just, I think it's just my body is telling me that it's time and it's ready and you need to go through this and walk through the fire.

Yeah, got it, got it. Well, Why don't we begin how we always begin, which is if you can share a little bit with me about why you signed up and what you'd like to address or confront or specifically to resolve in this session, knowing that we, you know, we've got an hour together and we'll do our best. But what are you looking for?

I'm looking to— I feel like I need to reconcile with myself for the mistakes that I've made. Um, and it's literally this huge cross that I carry all the time, and it's heavy, and it's very heavy, and it affects every single part of my life, and it's, it's hard to, um, it's hard to move on. It's hard to, it's hard to move forward when I'm constantly thinking about the mistakes that I've made, the trouble that I've caused, the pain that I've, the pain that I've endured as well as caused others. I think that's, that's the hardest thing that I've had to learn how to deal with throughout this entire time.

Yeah.

I just— sounds like there's a lot of weight that you've been carrying around for a long time.

Yeah.

So just Take another good breath and just share with me a little bit about what you're having a hard time forgiving yourself for and give any context that feels relevant. Whatever story you need to share with me for me to get it would be also helpful.

Thank you. Well, um, It's best to start from the beginning. My father was non-existent in my life, my biological father, and he left at such an early age. It caused a lot of pain and suffering in, in me when I wasn't aware. And now, obviously, that I'm aware, it's— I'm starting to experience more and feeling—

feel more.

And, uh, My mother was never around, and I was passed around a lot between my family because just she couldn't take care of me, and it was hard for her. And then, uh, you know, my biological—

my—

sorry, my stepfather was very abusive towards me as a young child and growing up. So I've learned how to, um, you know, endure a lot even from a young age. So, you know, it brings me to here. When I got divorced, I start— I joined a psychedelic, I guess, group, and they were doing some just stuff that I didn't know what I was getting into. I was taking things I didn't know what I was taking. I was getting involved in spiritual things that I had no idea what I was getting involved in. And it, it started to get— it turned into almost 2, 2 years, 3 years of stuff that I was doing with people, um, these events that I was attending and taking these things that I was taking and experiencing all of these, you know, really weird spiritual things. And I've never been spiritual my entire life. I am not— up until about a couple years ago where I started to get into my faith because I, I knew where I needed to go. But before that, I was very lost, you know. I was baptized Catholic, but that was pretty much all that I've ever really truly experienced. And I remember as a kid, I would bounce from being, you know, going to Catholic church and my Filipino grandmother and, you know, experiencing the Filipino culture through her. And then on the other side with my mother and stepfather, I would go to Buddhist temples and pray at the Buddhist temples with them. And it was just always this back and forth thing, and I never really understood, like, you know, why there wasn't just one thing. And I kind of just had to take that path along myself, and then it led me to, you know, led me to the divorce. And then trying to find a path for myself and wanting to become a better father.

All right.

So you have one child, two kids?

One. One.

One.

Yeah.

Okay. So tell me a little bit more about the psychedelic community. Yeah. And what that sort of entailed, what that was about, what that was like for you.

Wow, this is heavy. I met someone who introduced me to somebody, and I was looking. I was looking for something. I didn't know yet at the time, but then I got introduced to these people, and these people introduced me to others. And, you know, next thing I know, I'm in a house you know, staying overnight doing these things and, uh, taking these, taking these, taking the stuff that I had no idea what I was taking and experiencing all of these weird things that were happening, uh, with other people. So other people were doing it too, and it just, you know, it just was like kind of like I was getting the initial parts out, Connor, and then And then like every time I did it, there was always like, it was a deeper level, it was a deeper layer of like unraveling or pulling things away from me. Um, just stuff that I just, I just can't believe that I even did. And I've tried and I learned a lot about different layers of of how the world works in regards to energy and, and how, you know, thinly the veil is between that spiritual aspect of the world and, and then the, you know, the regular world. Um, at one point I feel like I was— I feel like I was absorbing everything because I was so down and, you know, down in the, down in the dumps, so to speak, um, with my energy. And then you know, nothing, nothing went better. It just got worse and worse and worse. And I didn't see it. I didn't see— I didn't see how— I didn't see that. I just kept going down the rabbit hole. And then, you know, no one there was truly trying to help. They were— they were— I feel like I was— I was deceived. I was manipulated. I was coerced. And I was used, you know, in my vulnerable state. To destroy me, essentially. Um, and that's my personal feeling and opinion of what happened, because, you know, you know who was really there for you when you, when you're down in the dumps and you've lost everything. And none of those people were there when I lost everything.

So this was a, a spiritual community or a psychedelic community?

Yeah, it was a psychedelic community.

Yeah.

And what was their, like, intention? You know, when you sort of joined this community, what was their intention? They tell you that you're gonna find God, that you're going to heal yourself. Like, what was the— what was the— what was the promise? What was— what was— what were they selling?

They were selling— they were selling the fact that they knew that I was lost. They knew that I was starving for companionship, intimacy, relationship. Excuse me. I was starving for— I was starving for, like, community. And they provided that, you know, there was obviously men and women there. Everybody was doing the same thing. Everybody was taking it and going through their own journeys. And then, you know, the promise was like, you know, you could do this with with us and, you know, you continue to do these things, you're going to experience and, and grow and, you know, you're going to feel things that you've never felt before. And it was just this— it was just this, this idea of like, here's your community, we have everything for you. You don't need to do a thing other than to show up and do this stuff. And that was it. And it was very seductive. It was, especially someone who has no idea, who is not aware, who was coming from a starved, uh, you know, dead marriage, so to speak, for a long time. And I just took it on, like, and then used my, used my, you know, regular mindset of like, I'm just going to dive in and then just completely experience it and fully engage and never question anybody, never question anything that I was doing and just, just, just doing it. And that, you know, that, that was a mistake for me.

Say what's happening as you're talking about all this. What's going on inside of you?

I'm feeling a lot of guilt. I'm feeling a lot of shame, uh, you know, I'm looking at my rosary right now, you know, over the laptop going, you know, I'm sorry, you know, like, I, I feel a lot of sadness for the mistakes, you know, and for putting myself there and trying to make sense of why I was there and why I was, you know, why, why I put myself there and why did I make this, these decisions, and not listening to, you know, certain people who tried probably telling me that I shouldn't, I shouldn't have done these things, I shouldn't have gone there. Um, and then it led me to other things, you know. Uh, I joined another spiritual group and I got in a lot of trouble there. And then I ended up eventually trying to become a Freemason, and I did that. And then I made a mistake of going there and being a part— being a part of that and realizing that's not anything that I wanted. So I kept going from community to community, um, trying to, you know, trying to pick up the pieces of my life and just keep— I kept going. I kept going, not giving up, but keep— I kept hitting doors and walls, and I just kept going. And it, it was very difficult to deal with making all those mistakes and still being— still trying to get up and pick myself up and move again.

Say what started to happen as you were using all the psychedelics.

Uh, like the experiences that I was having.

Connor, what did it do to you?

Oh yeah.

Uh, it doesn't sound like towards the end that it was very positive.

No, towards the end it was. I remember we were doing a peyote, uh, experience, and there's a lot of people that showed up. And this was in, uh, this was in Jersey. I remember driving down there, picking up, you know, a group of people from Boston, going there. And I remember taking this, taking the peyote, and I threw up the first batch. And then, you know, the guy who was hosting it, he didn't care. He didn't measure anything out. He just took a huge scoop, dumped it in another cup, and he's like, just drink this. And I took it and I didn't question again, didn't question, didn't even consider what I was doing. And then I went through this entire experience, you know, of just weird, you know, psychedelic stuff that was happening with peyote.

Yeah. Okay.

What's it like to talk about some of those experiences? Anxiety or grief or—

I'm trying to be grateful. For the experiences. I'm trying to use this for others so they can benefit and to see and to know, like, not every, not every, you know, ayahuasca ceremony is going to be beneficial to you. You, you don't know what you're getting into, you know. Um, I'm feeling, I'm feeling like I need to share my story so others can understand. Like, yes, like, you know, you can fall in love with the, you know, going to Peru or whatever and do all these ceremonies and things like that, but it's— you really need to know what you're getting into and really need to know, and more importantly, the, the people that you're surrounded with and that are in that circle and the intentions of others and the intentions of the leader and the group. And, you know, all those things, I think that's, that's stuff that, you know, if you're not aware and you're like trying to do this for your first time, like, you don't know, you don't, you don't know, you don't understand.. And I felt, you know, I feel actually I'm currently feeling like, like I need to, I need to help other people not go through this experience that I went through that caused me to be, you know, to where I was. And thank God I'm where I am now, but it was very, very hard.

Okay.

Well, Can you be here for you? Um, because it sounds like you have been a lot of places in your life for other people.

Yeah, I've been having to be the strong person for everybody else, being the strong person for this, strong person for that. And I think the strength comes from the burnt, you know, the burnt side that I've received of being burnt so many times. But you asked me, can I be here for me? Like, I'm trying. That's why I'm here. I'm trying. I joined, you know, I joined Man Talks, and I'm really grateful, you know, for what you guys do and for everybody that's involved and all the coaches and the experiences I've had. It's really helpful and healing, and I'm learning how to be here for me. I'm learning how to accept myself with all of the flaws, with all of the mistakes, with all of the burdens and the guilt and the shame. I'm still trying to forgive myself, even though sometimes, and a lot of times, I don't.

Take a breath there. Stay with it. Can you let me just be here for you right now?

Yes.

Yes.

So say what's happening inside.

I'm feeling a lot of sadness. I'm feeling a lot of pain.

So just say that I'm sad and I'm hurting.

I'm sad and I'm hurting.

And I don't want to be strong all the time. I want someone to be strong for me. I'm tired. A lot.

Trying to do this.

It's not easy.

Take another breath.

You're doing good.

Say what you're sad about and keep letting it come up.

I'm sad that— I'm sad that I made all those mistakes. And I've hurt myself, my family. And I have to live with those. I have to live with those decisions. And I'm reminded of it every day. Every day. There's no recourse. There's no relief. I can't run away. I can't go to another vacation. I can't just dive into my work when I'm alone and everything is done. The thing that I think about is my mistakes.

And I don't know how to not just focus on that and what I've done wrong.

Does anybody know the totality of the mistakes that you've made?

No.

No. Okay. Nobody knows other than the people that I was probably involved with.

When you say the people that you were involved with, you mean the psychedelic community? Yeah.

And then, you know, the other communities that I was also trying to, trying to get into. Mm-hmm. Uh, there was a supposedly church that was not a church, and it was— they were practicing witchcraft or whatever they were doing. And then, you know, and lo and behold, I joined Freemasonry thinking that was something also good for me and didn't understand that they— that's what they were also doing. Um, so, you know, it's hard when you make these decisions and you're trying to like better your life and you're trying to come up from, you know, the hole that you were in and, and you keep making mistakes. And it's like, I don't have, and I haven't had the ability to like rely on someone to say, hey, like, I'm thinking about doing this, you know, what do you think? I haven't been able to get the right advice to help me make big life decisions. And I feel like that's— I feel like that's definitely a part of my upbringing, of not having a father or, you know, mother, or just consistent parent, you know, parent figures in my life that can help me make decisions, you know.

Yeah, they sound kind of culty.

The places?

Mm-hmm.

Oh yeah, for sure. Yeah. I don't know what it was. What was the, you know, what was happening in my life at the time other than I was doing these things and You know, it's like, it's like, you know how they say about, you know, the, the people around you, or, you know, the proximity of people that are around you influence you. And I definitely was not being influenced by the right people. I think, I think I was in a very low energy state, just low all around, and not knowing who to trust. Who to listen to, who to discuss these things with, and who can help me. Yeah.

Connor, okay, take another breath in for me. Say what it's been like to feel so lonely that you don't feel like you belong anywhere. To be looking for belonging in so many places.

It's like I'm, I'm feeling like an orphan child. And, you know, initially I found it in jiu-jitsu and that was my community, you know, growing up as a young man. And I found myself there. And training and doing what I was doing and training and just building myself up. But not having, you know, consistent mother and father figure and having good counsel. I think I've been searching for this family my entire life because it was broken from the beginning. And now That's all I want is, you know, a family of my own that I've never had.

Just keep letting it come out. Just let it out.

I'm sorry.

No apology needed. No apology needed.

I never understood why that no one ever wanted me. So I did the most that I could to make attention. Trouble, causing trouble, just doing the most outlandish things, anything that I could do that was totally different just so I can gain some attention and seek attention from people that— because I couldn't get it from my mother or father. Living my life like this, constantly seeking attention and wanting validation.

Another breath. How old's your child, your daughter?

She's going to be 11. Nice.

What's it been like to have a daughter?

It's the best thing in the world. You know, we, we went through a lot of hard times Um, but I know hard times make tough people. And she brings the softness into my life that I've constantly pushed away for some reason. I don't know why. I feel like it's softness is weakness in some depth or level, which I know is not true. But there's this, there's this push against the softness or this idea of softness in my life. And every time I look at her, she, she reminds me, you know, and truthfully, she reminds me that love conquers all.

Well, it's part of your survival strategy. You know, there's learning to be resilient, and then there's having to be resilient in order to survive. And those are two very different things. Learning to be resilient can create, you know, resilient people, resilient kids. Having to be resilient is a survival strategy in a survival mode that almost everyone gets stuck in, and it becomes the only gear that our psyche and our nervous system knows how to operate in. Just survive, just survive, just survive. Be hard, be strong. And when we get stuck in that space, a lot of the times— this is kind of the weird messed up part, okay, I'm about to say— a lot of the times we end up making decisions and choices that recreate that survival state. So we end up doing things and choosing things and choosing people and making decisions that reinforce, I have to be this way, I'm just surviving, I have to survive, instead of seeing it's safe for me to just live. And I think with what you're talking about with your daughters, that you have a place in your life where you've been, you know, life, God, however you want to say it, has been teaching you that it's safe for you to just live with love, not out of a survival state, because that doesn't work. Parenting from a survival state doesn't work. Does that make sense?

Yes.

It's—

is it kind of like, uh, you're seeing everything as a nail and you're like the hammer and you're just trying to nail everything?

Is that Somewhat, yeah, yeah. It's that you continue to, to go back to what's familiar, you know. What, what was familiar for you growing up was, I don't belong, I don't feel like I belong anywhere, and I have to do things to try and get attention and love and praise and validation. And so that pattern just carried on. And unfortunately, what it led to was you making decisions that compromised your sense of self. So we're going to— I'm going to maybe walk you through something here in a moment. But what I want to just say right out the gates is that— and I don't, I don't think it's actually necessary in this conversation or appropriate in this type of a sort of semi-public setting, I guess you could say. But I think that you need to find someone, a place where you can go through a disclosure process. And, you know, this is why in the Christian tradition confession existed. Um, it was meant to be a place where individuals could start the process of reconciling with the mistakes that they had made or the things that they had done. Now, it ended up getting into a, you know, kind of a very puritanical output, but the, the initial part of it was good. And if you look at any religion, uh, if you look at any spiritual practice, if you look at any therapeutic and psych— psychological framework, what you'll find is, in the words of Carl Jung, confession is the first step in any of those processes. And so I, I think part of this that I would like for you to take away is to commit to finding a place and space where you can do that. And maybe it's just you and me have a conversation offline, and I can hold that with you. Not that I hold on to it, but I can be a place where there's a shared understanding in some of those things that you are trying to reconcile with and grapple with, because The truth is that it's— it is, far as I can tell, and I might be wrong about this, but it is impossible from my vantage point to really forgive ourselves if no one else knows what we've gone through. It is very, very hard. Our mind can keep the secret, but our body will have it come out sideways. Yeah, and so because our— because what ends up happening in my framework is that your body is the realm of the unconscious. That's the brain of the unconscious. Your emotions, the things that you don't want to think about, the things that you don't like, those things, that's all stored in the body. And so your mind can suppress those things, or it'll ruminate on it constantly, but the body is the one that's holding on to those things. And when we hold on to those things, they end up coming out sideways. They need an outlet. So the body always finds a way to try and off-gas or release some of the pressure and the tension of having to hold those things, which reinforces the cycle.

I think you're entirely right.

Well, just say how all that's landing for you.

It makes a lot of sense.

It's—

well, it's, uh, I think it's a big part for me to push, uh, to finally— like, I've been on this path of wanting to become fully Catholic and going through the entire process where I've never been able to do it before. I've never been able to receive communion or the sacraments or anything like that. And now I— my goal is to, to do that, is to become fully Catholic. Um, this feeling of finally like getting clarity, like I've— I just recently did confession, probably like 2 months ago. It was my first time in my entire life. And I did it and it was— it felt similar to what I'm kind of experiencing here a little bit. But I think you're— I think you're— I feel like it's the right thing that I need to have full disclosure to let this out because I do feel like it's been coming out sideways in every part of my life. So I'm feeling Clarity. I don't know if that's the thing. I can feel clarity. I feel, I feel like there's a path now that I can understand to where to go with this, because I've been just doing this dance for so long, just around all of it, doing all these things and trying, you know, whatever, everything that I've been trying to do. It's just, it's never, it just never comes to full fruition. And now I feel like there's a pathway for me. Like, yes, like, this is the direct path. This is where you need to fully go. And what happens, I don't know, but it makes sense in a lot of ways.

Yeah. One last maybe asterisk or caveat is I would encourage you to find I would encourage you to find confession in a place outside of the religion first. And I have my own reasoning for that, and I'm happy to share why that is. But there's just— there's a, there's a pretty big pattern inside of you of trying to find home and belonging outside of yourself. And as far as I can tell, part of the reconciliation when we didn't feel like we belonged with mom or dad, where we got bounced around, or, you know, we, you know, we were orphans, or it really— our experience was that we felt like an orphan. You know, we kind of felt adopted. Into homes that we lived in or, you know, whatever the circumstances were. The big challenge is that home externally and belonging externally almost always feel elusive until we find home within ourselves. And I think that that's part of the question that I would encourage you to really look at is what does a homecoming in me look like? How do I find home within myself?

I don't know.

That's okay.

I have no idea what that is like. But I want it.

Yeah, I know, I know. I can really feel that, and that's kind of what I'm saying.

That's what—

that's why I'm saying it. Just say what's happening inside of you right now.

As much as I don't care about being understood, as much as I fight to just hold it in and not be understood, this conversation is helping me heal some wounds that I've had my entire life. And I can see that there's the light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm just grateful.

Well, right now, in this moment, without question, you belong here with me.

Thank you. Thank you. Mm-hmm.

And inside of you, there is a home. My guess is that you just had a hard time feeling a sense of peace in the home that you have. And when we feel like there's something wrong with us from such a young age, that we're not wanted, we're neglected, it sends us on a kind of longing scavenger hunt, and our life becomes a process and a journey of let me find where I belong in the world. But as this very cliché saying goes, wherever you go, there you are.

Yeah, John Cabot said—

yeah.

And so, you know, I think, I think part of this, buddy, is really about you coming home to yourself for the first time. So you coming home to yourself.

I'm thinking of The Alchemist, the book, and Santiago comes back to the beginning. Where he laid his head under the trees, and then he finds the gold there after going through all of that he went through.

Yeah, there's, you know, I think there's a, a bit of a, an exercise that we, that we don't have time to do today because it takes a little bit longer, but maybe at some point you know, maybe in the next couple of weeks we can do a second round and I can walk you through this exercise that I think would be very helpful for you. Yeah, take another breath and just make a statement about what it's been like to not feel at home inside of yourself. For almost your entire life.

It's like coming home to a place you've never been. But feeling like it's the right thing and it's there and it's— it feels like home, but you're totally unfamiliar with everything. Unfamiliar with the surroundings, the smells, the sights. Unfamiliar with everything. And then you're supposed to just say—

I say it all in the first person. It's like coming home to a place I've never been.

It's like coming home to a place I've never been before.

It's like coming home to a place I've never experienced before, and then I'm supposed to feel like this is, this is it, this is it, this is the place, and it's very awkward. And unfamiliar. So tired of running around everywhere, doing everything. I can't even— I can't even truly rest, even in sleep, a lot of times.

Well, You know, I think even towards the beginning of this call of wanting, you know, your desire for service was noble. Your desire for service was good. And we often want to teach the things that we've been wounded by. We want to help other people and not have to deal with the same pain that we've endured. And, and this is part of the path, is the reconciliation. You know, I have a pretty— I was, I was about to say strict rule, but anybody that knows me really well would probably get a giggle out of that. But I have like a pretty good standard that I abide by for myself, which is that I never teach about things that I'm in the process of understanding or healing from. I will teach them, talk about them, work with those things on, on an other side of it, once I know I've gotten a certain amount of clearance. And I think that that could be a good fit for you because you have this sort of noble part to your spirit and your soul that wants to do good and that wants to help and that wants to support. And I know from experience personally and from with a lot of people that, that part, that drive can actually interrupt our process of healing because we will skip a whole bunch of steps that are necessary for us to really find deep resolution inside of ourselves, deep forgiveness and resolution inside of ourselves. And we can start trying to give to the world what it is that we actually are still in need of.

Yeah, I feel that.

So I'm just holding up— I'm like, if this was, you know, if we had like, uh, graphics and like a little mirror would just come up, I'm just holding up the mirror for you for a moment to be like, this is part of what's happening. And you know, don't, um Yeah, just, just being cognizant of that because you have beautiful intentions, and, and I'm also wanting to just redirect you in a way where it's very clear, at least from my vantage point, but it has to be true for you, that this really is a homecoming inside of yourself, that you find a quality of belonging here and here and a reconciliation within. And there's many different ways to do that. And I do feel like a part of it is finding a space and place, a person where you can find confession, where you can really share. You know, what's happened to you in a way that's transparent where the whole story can be let out and you can talk about some of the things that you have regrets around and some of the things that have happened to you and all of it, and, and it not be affiliated with a space where you're trying to belong.

Yeah, I agree.

Okay.

Yes, I agree with you.

Yes.

Yeah.

Thank you for saying that. I definitely agree.

Yes.

The homecoming thing. It feels very weird just talking about it. I feel like I'm beginning another journey, like, of a thousand steps or 10,000 steps, like another path, but like coming back to myself.

Well, here's the beauty of a homecoming. You don't actually have to go anywhere, right? You don't actually have to go anywhere. So, and to tie it in Yeah, well, here's— I'm going to give you some tactical stuff because that's— that gives you direction. But there's probably lingering questions. I can almost hear people listening to this, be like, okay, I, I feel the same way. What do I do? Right? How do I actually start to tackle this? So I want you to start a daily practice, and the daily practice is going to be pretty simple, um, 15 to 20 minutes. And I want you to write out what's true about me is— what's true about me is— and go on a little bit of a journey of connecting with the truth of who you are at your core. And none of the information that you come up with is meant to be a problem. It's not meant to be another issue that your ego gets to be like, oh, I gotta fix that now. Oh, that's another thing to deal with. Oh, it's a duh duh duh duh. It's just what's true about me is, and then you fill in the blank. And you might want to create a little like no problem at the end of it, or, and I accept this and I know I can rest in the truth of this. Okay, this is kind of a different form of both shadow work and self-understanding. The misconception of shadow work is that a lot of people start to see the parts of themselves that they don't like and they immediately move into a place of, I gotta, I gotta do something with this. And they create tension against those elements of themselves immediately, because what they're saying is, I don't accept this part of me. That's antithetical to shadow work. That doesn't actually create integration. That creates another thing for us to be against inside of ourselves. And I think part of the challenge that you have internally is that you're against so much of who you are. You're in opposition to a lot of yourself. Does that land? Does that feel true?

Yes.

Well, because I'm associating me today with the guy that made all those mistakes in the past and all the things that I've done and still thinking that that is me.

And that—

yes, yes, right.

Good.

So practice that. What's true about me is Fill it in. No problem. I accept this. I rest in the truth of this. Find your own version of that. But every day, and just start this self-disclosure process where you start to come home and rest in the truth of who you are without having an almanac of all the shit you need to fix and deal with. Okay, how does that sound?

Awesome.

Oh, that's good. I'm glad it sounds awesome because I've read your book, you know.

I've read, I've read your book and I just was thinking before I got on, I need to read it again. Like, I have to read it again because there's a lot of things and I've done a lot of the courses in the, in the Alliance as well, um, especially shadow work. And I, I remember you saying that in the shadow work portion of that. Um, but I didn't like actually do it. And now you're giving it to me. I'm like, okay, yeah, I gotta do this.

When, when we have, when we have been neglected and we have made some choices in our lives or experienced some things that are really challenging for us to reconcile with, we can have a pretty strong shadow. And the challenge that a lot of people can have is actually about acceptance and reconciliation with those parts of us. So sometimes people will acknowledge those parts, but they don't actually accept them. And so what I'm, what I'm asking you to do is a process of matter-of-factness. And a discharge of, these things are problems that I need to fix, these things are faults that exist within me, these things are issues that I need to work on and solve. That fuels the shadow. The trick with the shadow is sometimes to take a very different tact which is the truth about me is— I'll just make something up, I'm not saying this about you— the truth about me is I love to play the victim so that I never get what I want or need.

No problem. No problem, right?

So it's about the awareness of this is a truth about me. I do that sometimes.

Huh.

When it's a problem, we work against it and it fuels the shadow. When it's not an issue, it starts to resolve itself. That energy that is going towards, this is a problem, I gotta fix this, and you're at war with yourself, gets released psychologically because you're saying, I see this part of me as it is.

It's a truth.

I do that. And then you have a lot more vitality in life to, in the moment, catch and be like, whoop, there it is, there it is. I'm doing it again right now. Versus, oh, there it is, I'm doing it again. What the hell is wrong with me? I got to fix it. Why can't I get through this? Da da da da da. So practice it. Let me know how it goes. Practice this for a couple of weeks and just keep in touch. Message me. Let me know how the practice is going. And maybe we can do a round 2 in the not too distant future. Any final thoughts, comments, questions?

I just want to say thank you. This was super helpful, like life-changing. Thank you.

You are more than welcome, my friend. Thanks for being so courageous, coming on here, chatting with me. And yeah, I appreciate you. I appreciate you. I've had the honor of meeting you in person, which is great. I know what it's like to be in your presence and feels like a real honor to help you find that home that has been missing for so long. You're deserving of that home.

Thank you, Connor.

You got it, buddy. All right. Thank you for everyone for tuning in. Don't forget to man it forward if you know somebody that could use this conversation, this work, this insight, this connection. Maybe just the story might be— relates to them. And until next week, Connor Beaton signing off.