Connor Beaton, speaking from leading a couples weekend at the Omega Institute, explains that intimacy arises when authenticity is combined with safety. He argues partners should cultivate safety so each person can reveal and explore their full selves (including sexuality, humor, interests, responsibility), and recommends couples commit to becoming safe people for one another.
Chapters
Recently, my wife and I led a couples weekend at a place called the Omega Institute in upstate New York. And we talked about reigniting intimacy within your relationship. And one of the things that we talked about was this notion that authenticity with safe. With a safe person equals intimacy. Authenticity with somebody who is safe equals intimacy. When you're able to express and be yourself, when you're able to explore who you actually are within the confines of a relationship, with somebody who you feel safe to do that with, that. That equals a very deep kind of intimacy that you actually allow yourself to be revealed in a way that maybe feels a little bit scary, that maybe feels a little edgy, you know, that you get to explore the depths of who you are and what makes you up. You know, I think for me, in my marriage, one of the things that I've gotten to explore is actually grounding more into this quality of responsibility and into this quality of being reliable. And that's always been an inherent part of who I am. But it's never really had the fullness of expression that it gets now within the context of our relationship. And I think this is the real kick that when you are able to be authentic, you're able to say, here's what I want to explore in the bedroom, or, here are things that I want to experience sexually with you, or here's the way that I want to express my humor or my interests. You know, my wife lets me talk about all kinds of things. Like, she'll let me talk about philosophy, and one of my favorite topics, which is the nature of time. You know, I'll talk about those things all the. All the time. And she has a willingness to hear those things, and vice versa. I have plenty of space and patience for the true nature of who she is. Her expression authentically to come out, her silliness and her playfulness and her seriousness and her ambition. All those different elements of what makes up who she is get to come out. And that creates the depth of intimacy. So really ask yourself, am I in the quality of relationship where I feel safe to be authentically who I am? Am I in the exploration of digging out the depths of who I am as an individual and then risking and being willing to bring it into the container of this relationship? And if not, those are the two primary things that you and your partner should be focused in on. You and your significant other should make a commitment together that what you are going to do is become safe individuals, safe people for the other person to authentically express who they are, to experience and explore the different parts of what make each other up.
