Why After 2 Years, 30% of Couples Will Be SEXLESS (& how to fix)

I think the stat is that 30% of couples after the two year mark will be sexless. And when I, when I remember, I remember hearing that and reading that, I was like staggered by that. I didn't think that it would be that high, but it makes sense. And I think sexless is defined as, you know, four or five times a year or less.

So what are some of the core pieces that you see impacting sex and intimacy in relationships? And then maybe we'll pull in Imago to see where that goes or just like your personal take? Because I think that's important.

Yeah, well, one of the first things about sex is that it's totally X rated. And I don't mean that in any kind of pornographic way. I mean it was totally X rated for you to even be yourself in your family system for the most part. I'm not talking to you, Connor, but that's certainly true for me, might be true for you, and I'd bet big, big money because I'm a Vegas guy that it's true for everybody listening that there was parts of you that were to totally restricted, not allowed. That's not welcome here. Including your own sexuality. You know, it's not okay to masturbate. Not okay to. I, you know, I was raised Catholic, so it wasn't okay to think about anybody naked. Wasn't okay to swear, wasn't okay to do anything. And then I had to go apologize to some old man in a pew, you know, who's wearing a robe, and tell him about my sins and really affirm that I am bad and I'm wrong and there's something I need to apologize for and I better do my prayers, otherwise I'm not redeemable. I mean, that setup, whether you're raised Catholic, Christian or some other denomination or religion, it doesn't matter. It's usually a part of a lot of these systems. So that in itself is just a big challenge that, you know, it's not okay for me to have fantasies. It's not okay for me to have sexual wants or needs or be into things that are kinky or ask my partner for something specific. And part of it is that I just fear that maybe I'll be rejected. I'll fear that, you know, there'll be some consequence for me if I talk about that with them or I bring that to them. Sex is tough when we got these taboo subjects that aren't talked about that get censored on the Internet and Instagram, you know, and the information is restricted in that way. We're also set up for failure because we're not educated, we're not given information about female arousal. A lot of guys don't know that actually your partner needs 20 to 40 minutes of foreplay, you know, in order to be more open to penetration. And there's things like this that can really shift the game if you just actually focus on some key points. But in terms of sex, if we don't feel safe, that's just kryptonite, you know, for our sex life. And that's not about physical safety. It's usually about, actually, I don't feel safe to be me. I don't feel safe to talk about myself in some way. And this isn't a conversation about fragility. This is a conversation about truthfulness, integrity. How are we showing up in our relationship outside of the bedroom such that we're connected? You know, intimacy is not just sexual. Intimacy is emotional, spiritual, intellectual, non sexual, hand holding, cuddling.

You know, eye gazing. So it's really actually these other issues in the relationship, these emotional psychological challenges that we face, the parts of ourselves that we hide from our partner that start to create distance from them, and then we feel disconnected. And then we can start thinking, well, maybe I should find someone else to love me the way that I want to be loved. Maybe I'll stay with my partner, but I'll put my sexual energy elsewhere because it's safer to do that. Because I won't have to face rejection, I won't have to be vulnerable in any kind of way, let my partner know who I really am.

I'm not a trained sexologist, but when couples come into my office, one of the things that I'm thinking is, you know, how's the sex life? Because when you're mad at each other, you're contemplating divorce, things don't feel good. You know, okay, well, what's going on in the intimate realm and what's happening in the space between the couple, which is really.

A concept from Imago, which is that your relationship exists in the space between. It's not in you, it's not in your partner. It's not tangible. You can't box it and sell it. It's an idea you've got in your mind. And the way that you perceive the whole thing and the way that it feels is about what's in that space between. So what kind of touch are you putting into that space? What kind of behavior, actions, sentiments?

Because everything you put in is going to become the shape and the color and the tone and the texture of the relationship. So when it comes to sexuality, one of the things that we all need from our partner is the embodied sense that it is okay to be sexual. So every man, every woman, what they want from their partner is the felt sense that it's okay for me to be sexual in my own unique way, you know, within the boundaries and the agreements of the relationship.

That's a really big one. And oftentimes when people get clear that this is actually one of the messages they crave for their partner, they can begin to design and craft statements that actually would help to bring that. That quality alive, would actually help to make them feel more that way. And it's going to be different for each partner.

Yeah, just on the notion of, you know, the. Between the two people.

I don't remember where I heard this concept, but I've talked a lot about when Vienna and I have done couples workshops or we work with couples, the notion of the third body, like your relationship as the third body between the two of you. So there's your physical, emotional, psychological, sexual body, there's your partners, and then there's the relationship as a third body. And it needs nurturing, it needs touch, it needs love, it needs, you know, it needs both individuals to sort of pour into it. And so when you were talking about that, it sort of brought that up for me. And I think that that's so, so valid and so important, especially within the conversation of. Of sex and intimacy.

I think the other. The other piece that. That stands out is this notion of, I think you said X rated, right, that we can't bring our full selves. I often say that sex is the part of the relationship where everything else meets. It's the sort of truth teller on your communication, your level of authenticity, your boundaries in the relationship. It's the truth teller where everything sort of shows up and sort of tests those aspects of the relationship. And so I think it's interesting because I think within modern relationships, sex has become commoditized in some ways. You know, I think a lot of guys have become sort of desensitized in some ways because you can watch porn, you can watch whatever the hell you want at any given time. You can go on OnlyFans and pay a woman to sort of give you some girlfriend experience and give you some sort of like, pseudo attachment and pseudo relationship. And, you know, I think that's happening for women as well in some. Some level. But it's interesting because the couples that I've worked with over the years who have phenomenal relationships, part of it is that sex is a priority. You know, sex is a very real priority for both people. That doesn't mean that each individual is, like, you know, wild about sex, that it's been like, this super important thing their entire lives, but that both people have a commitment and dedication towards prioritizing sex within the relationship. And so on that note, One, do you agree with that? And two, do you have insight into how couples can begin to prioritize sex and intimacy? And are there certain tools that Imago can put forward for couples to deepen their level of sexual connection?

Mm.

One of the things that Imago teaches is about making appointments with your partner. So in terms of practicing the dialogue or doing relationship maintenance or having regular conversations, one of the strategies that is recommended is to make an appointment. You know, if there's something important you want to talk about, whether it's sex or money or health, something about your feeling that you make an appointment in the moment, make sure you get the agreement consent, your partner's available, and if they're not, you accept that and you schedule it within 24 to 48 hours. Make it a priority. So with sex, one thing that's really hard for people is scheduling sex, scheduling intimacy dates, scheduling time to be together in an intimate way. And when I say that, I don't mean explicitly sexual, but at least be together. Turn off all distractions and have time to yourself that isn't about watching Netflix or doing, you know, some other task. And there's a lot of pressure that's that people feel to perform sexually. And there's a lot of pressure that people feel when they make appointments. So one of the things that me and my partner have worked out, because in terms of arousal systems, everyone's a little bit different. So people can be spontaneous or responsive. And if you resonate with spontaneous, it means you don't want to plan sex. You want it to be fun, exciting in the moment. How am I feeling now? Like, let's go. And if you're responsive, you might actually resonate with, oh, yeah, it's fun to plan and schedule things because then I know it's in the calendar and I can prepare. And then in that moment, once things get sexual for me in a certain way, I will respond to that or I'll respond to the intimate connection between me and my partner. So this is a challenge. It doesn't work for everyone, but for me and my partner, one of the things we've had to work through is, hey, let's schedule intimacy dates, and let's not Put pressure on ourselves that we have to get to an orgasm. And let's not collapse into despair if the sex doesn't go the way that we want. But let's make a priority and let's make a practice. Every week. We've got it in the calendar. We're just going to get together and we're going to talk. We're going to do dialogue. We might share appreciations. We might do eye gazing or a tantric breathing exercise, or we might cuddle or light a candle. Just something that's sort of setting the mood. Maybe we put on some music and just set the tone, and let's just come together. And for many. For many couples, that experience is not going to be about sex. It's actually going to be a lot about how they're feeling, what's going on within them, and what is it that they want to talk about or work on. And you can develop and escalate and build this up over time. So many different practices that you might bring to a moment like this. But your relationship is like anything else. If you've ever gone to the gym and you wanted to lose fat or gain muscle, you had to put in the reps, you had to show up. And it's not enough just to go to therapy. It's not enough just to go to an intimacy date. We really actually every day need to make choices that are in service of the place we want our relationship to go. We need to be. Be honoring that. That vision and the challenge. If we don't have that consciously, then we're going to be driven by a lot of other unconscious stuff that can take us in directions that are not really what.