Why Men Do BETTER In Couples Therapy Than Women

Doing the work I do, being an attachment focus systems theory, focus experiential psychotherapist. It's been really my. My relationship with men, my own masculinity has. It has been very healing. Right? Because what I have discovered through doing this work that about men is they actually do have lots of feelings.

And they're able to access those feelings and describe those feelings really, really well. And they're able to really listen to other people and empathize with them and then be very loving and connectful. And it makes me a little emotional even talking about it. But. But yeah, there. There is a particular type of container that has to be created for men to be able to do that. Now again, just the essence of my work. You know, I talked about it, remember? The first thing I have to do is help both people go from it's a you problem to a nus problem. Just think about that as. That's actually the floor, right? The floor of this container. The walls of this container. Hey, we both make sense, right? Like the roof, right? Right. The roof is basically like, oh my God. This only happens because we both love each other. Like so inside of that container, right? It calms the feminine down. Right? Enough that now it can have enough space to really access. Right. The man and how they're really feeling and to share it and to be able to listen. So. So look, certainly the way I do psychotherapy, I. I think there's a lot of.

And when I say just not just me, right. Other people that do emotionally focused couples therapy. Right. Like, it's actually easier to work with men. It's easier. Men get. This is gonna. This will blow people's minds. And this isn't just me. Men get it faster.

Like, you know this story when couple comes in the couple's counseling, right. The woman. We'll stay in the gender thing. You know, I lived in San Francisco for. So scared I'm going to get in trouble. Like, talk about men and women, right? Okay, but like, look, we. The typical couple comes into counseling. The woman is re. Like, the story is they're incredibly emotionally intelligent and they have amazing access to their feelings. And the man is basically a Neanderthal. We just don't even know why he wasn't wiped out. Like, we're not even sure if he's like, you know, a homeo Satan. There's a.

There's a really good stand up. There's a really good stand up series in there for you.

Exactly, right? Like he was just like, how is he even here? We need To DNA test him, right? Like. Like he escaped, right? The mass extinction of the Neanderthals, right? But. But then. But if you think about their journey, just think about what an easier journey that is. To be seen by yourself, society, and your partner as a Neanderthal. And then the other person is, right? Even if they don't realize they're doing it because they're. They're. They're a slave to this perspective in our culture, the zeitgeist, right? They're not doing it on purpose. They're not trying to be mean, right? They're. It's literally. They're a victim of it too. The woman is a victim of this too. Like, I am so good. I've got so many feelings, and my partner will show up, right? I'm so good, right? Like. Right? So, like. And then I offer both of them. Hey, come here. This is both of you, right? Like it's both of you, right? You both are hurt, and you're both hurting each other. It's so much easier for the person that's the Neanderthal to go, I could sign up for that. Than it is for the person that. Listen, I am basically a descendant of Queen Cleopatra, right? You know, like, what a hard thing to sign up for. Wait a second. I am on the side, same level of you, and I bring as much crap to this relationship as you do, right? That's like, this is the crazy thing. Men actually have an easier journey in making relationship work just because they're starting off right on the lowest untouchable level in our society, emotionally speaking.

So the perception.

The perception, right? So, yeah. So look, I. I find.

You know, there are more and more people that do work like this. And again, I can tell you it's not just me. Most couples therapists, the emotional withdrawal, it's not always the man is. Is go. You know, can be. The woman is dramatically easier to work with. Just think about this. Let's say, even at the most extreme level, let's say you don't like me. Say you're the emotional withdrawal, right? You Connor, right? And you don't like me, right? Like trying to get in the middle of your relationship, right? I just want you just stop coming, I won't see you again. The emotional pursuer, let's say majority of time, the woman, right? I might wake up with a horse's head at the end of my bed. Do you mean it's not just like.

A good Godfather reference?

Exactly. Like, like, look, it's just like, I. You know what? It was the way I put it recently is.

For women. There is many a therapist that does the kind of work I do whose charred remains lie right outside the cave of the emotional pursuer, woman, dragon. Right. They'll burn you alive. They'll burn you to a crisp. Right there, right. Now, just to be fair, to balance it out, there's many a therapist trying to access the man's emotions that literally die of starvation and old age outside their cave, right? But they don't know what they're doing, right? So. So look, every day I risk either being burned to a crisp instantly by like, let's say the woman, the emotional pursuer, and, and, or having like, I literally starved to death trying to draw, like, vulnerability from the man. Right. The emotional withdrawer. But, but yeah. Anyway, look, I do think it's changing. I think psychotherapy actually really helps men as long as it is based on some of these core principles. Right? No shaming. Right. We're not trying to change your behavior. We're trying to help you see what's good in yourself and love yourself and like, make room for your vulnerability and be able to share it. I think it can be incredibly liberating and freeing for men.

I would agree with that entirely. Especially, especially good attachment work and embodied or experiential work. You know, my, My mentor, his name is Dewey Freeman. He's been doing developmental psychology and attachment for 40 years. It's a very long time. He actually taught at naropa for like 30 years. Great training. Training therapists and whatnot. But his whole frame is around attachment. And it's different from the Bowlby, the, the, the, the sort of like John Bowlby stuff. Because I think sometimes I, you know, that can be very helpful. But I definitely see people come in and it's like, oh, I'm an avoidant attachment style, or I'm an anxious attachment style. And it's like, well, you're, you're more than that. Maybe sometimes when conflict happens, you react from that avoidant attachment style, but that doesn't mean that that's who you are all the time in the context of a relationship. So, yeah, I think that is right.