Why You're Not Happy With Your Relationship

Do you actually feel fulfilled in your relationships? Do you feel like your needs and your desires and your wants are important, like they get prioritized in your relationship? Or do you feel like those are the things that are very hard and nebulous to try and get fulfilled? A lot of the men that I've spoken to over the years that I've worked with, one of the biggest challenges that they seem to face is not only just having needs within the relationship, but actually being able to communicate what those needs are to get them met. And, you know, I think that for a very long time, we as men in the sort of post feminist era, a lot of men have become needless men in the relationship. There's sort of this trade that happens where a lot of guys operate from the perspective, from the belief that they need to prioritize the woman's needs first and foremost. So if I meet her needs, her wants, her desires first, if I take care of all those things, then maybe I'll get mine met in return. And that equation, that sort of relational mathematics doesn't work, you know, and if you've ever been in a relationship like that, I know I have. It doesn't work. And it doesn't work because you're hiding what it is that you want and that you need and that you desire. And the woman almost never really knows what it is that you need. And so she settles into this place of being, this way of operating and interacting with you, almost as if you don't need anything. She doesn't have to do anything to take care of you. She doesn't have to take care of any of your needs or your wants, your desire. She doesn't really have to do anything for you. And what happens is over time, the relationship settles into. You do a lot of things for her to try and get things in return, right? This is what Dr. Robert Glover from no More Mr. Nice Guy called covert contracts, right? I'll take the garbage out for you, or, you know, I'll rub your shoulders and in return, hopefully you'll give me something back, right? You'll give me some physical attention, some sexual connections, some. Some emotional time, whatever it is. And these covert contracts don't work. And so what a man ends up doing is sort of settling, really never bringing what he needs and wants forward in the relationship. And then he feels unhappy, he feels like it's missing something. And he'll probably start to complain about very specific things, right? He'll start to fixate on the frequency of sex, right? It's like how often you have sex, because it's like the one vestige where he's willing to say, this is what I need. You know, I'm going to put my flag in the ground here. I expect that we have sex this many times a week. And so a man will feel unsatisfied because he is not feeling taken care of. His needs and his wants, simple things, physical touch, time together, quality time, quality conversations, you know, going out and doing things together. Those things aren't happening because he's not saying or taking action on what he needs. I remember having a bit of an epiphany moment at a TEDx talk years ago that I was speaking at. And a woman spoke after me named Dr. Maureen McGrath. And she had this TED Talk about infidelity, about why men and women cheat. And she said something that has always stuck with me, which is, men cheat to stay and women cheat to leave. Men cheat to stay and women cheat to leave. And I thought about it for a while after and you know, I went on her radio show and she and I talked and you know, I said, that statement I think is very true. And she said, yeah, I've seen it happen a lot. Why do you think that that is? And you know, it's not a universal thing. It's not like every single man that's ever cheated is cheating to stay in the relationship and every woman that's cheated is cheating to leave. But anyway, so I said, you know, I think that a lot of men are afraid or have been conditioned to not bring their needs into the relationship to not hold standard right, to say, this is what I will tolerate, this is what I won't tolerate, this is what I do need, and this is what isn't really important to me. This is what I want and this is what I don't want, this is what I desire, and this is what doesn't matter to me. And so I said, you know, a lot of men don't take action on what it is that they need. They don't make decisions to prioritize their own needs. They don't take action to prioritize their own wants and desires. And they start to settle in the relationship. They start to become complacent. And very quickly what happens is, is that the relationship becomes almost entirely about the woman's wants, her needs, her desires. And you can see this in a lot of relationships where, you know, a couple will start dating and over time they just start spending more and more time with her friends, you know, going out for dinners, to places that she likes going on dates that she wants to do, going on vacations where she wants to go. And eventually the man's needs drift into the background. And you, you see this in a lot of modern conversations with guys in like, the red pill communities who, you know, are divorced, who have come out of a relationship where they really just let go of all of their needs, all of their wants. And maybe they became bitter later on because of it. Or, you know, maybe they became sort of jaded towards women in relationships. And some don't, right? Some of them come out of there, come out of it and realize it's like, oh, I did that. You know, I allowed that to happen. That was me, you know, and like, you know, maybe she contributed to it, but that one's on me. And so we have to be able to buck against this trend because what happens for a lot of men is that they become complacent and they settle in their relationship and then they start to seek for that connection that the need that they have for love or sexual connection or emotional connection or psychological connection or adventure or experience. They start to seek for it outside of the relationship because they think like, oh, it's not going to happen here. You know, the type of sexual connection that I want and the exploration that I want to have with my girlfriend and my wife is not going to happen. And it's too much, it's too hard for me, and it's just easier for me to look for it outside of the dynamic. And so they stay in the relationship, but they start to look for what they need and want outside of it. And the same can be true on a number of different levels. Right? Emotional connection. You see a lot of men having these sort of virtual connections with women in different countries or, you know, in different states and provinces. It's like, well, why does that happen? Well, in some ways, probably because they feel alone in their relationship. They feel like they're not fully connected, you know, and that they're not getting their needs met in the dynamic. And rather than actually bringing them into the relationship, they hedge their bets and they find it somewhere else. How do we rectify this? How do you get what you want? How do you get what you need in your relationship so that you're happy, so that you're fulfilled? Right? It doesn't mean that your intimate relationship needs to be everything for you and take care of everything for you. You still need friends, right? Men are still an important part of your life. But I think one of the things that I've come To learn over the years is first, start by getting really clear on what it is that you want and you need. Get really clear about what you will tolerate and what you won't tolerate within the relationship. What is it that you need? Do you need a certain quality of sexual connection that you just won't settle for? You know, if you get yourself into a relationship with somebody and they're just genuinely not interested in sex and sex is something that's meaningful to you, that's spiritual to you, that's important to you, and. And it's less about, you know, it has to happen three times a week, right? It's not about. It's not about being militant like that, and it's more about the connection. But you find somebody's just like, not as interested. Maybe that's a clear sign that the dynamic isn't what you want. So get clear. Get very, very clear on what you want, what you need, and what you desire within the relationship. Secondly, be direct and take action. So start to act on the things that you need, right? Make decisions, and this one is tied with it. Make decisions that prioritize your needs and your wants and your desires. So make decisions to go on dates, to places that you want to go to do things that you want to ultimately do. Prioritize the things that are important to you. If you want to go camping with your partner, prioritize that, Take action on it, plan it out, right? If you want to go on vacation or an adventure somewhere that's important to you, that matters to you, plan it out, make it happen, right? Stop waiting for her to do those things for you as a sign that your needs are important. You need to prioritize your needs first and foremost. So make decisions based on what it is that you need. Make decisions and take actions on what it is that you want. And this can be simple things, right? Like, what do you want for dinner? Rather than saying, I don't know, what do you want? Choose right? Take a moment, say, you know what? Give me five minutes, let me think about it, and then legitimately think about it. And then order what you want, make what you want, tell her what you want. Say, you know what? I'd really like to have this specific meal tonight. Can you make that for us? Or I like this specific meal. I'm going to take care of it tonight. Or, you know what, I've booked us a reservation at X, Y and Z because I've really been wanting to go there. And she might have pushback and she might not want that. And she might, you know, all those other types of things, but you still need to prioritize what it is that you want once in a while. Doesn't mean you need to do that all the time entirely. It's not about, you know, you prioritizing your needs and wants above hers constantly. It's that you prioritize yours an appropriate amount within the relationship and not wait for her to prioritize what she doesn't know you need. Right. A lot of men put women into this sort of like mind reader mentality and a lot of women have been conditioned that their needs should be prioritized above a man. Right. So a lot of women live in this version of a relationship that says if a man prioritizes his needs above mine, then there's something wrong with that. Right? So you need to be able to have a conversation with your partner to be able to say, you know, here are the things that I need within our relationship. I need this type of communication. You know, this type of sex is important for me. This type of respect and loyalty is important for me. Here's how I want us to interact with one another. These types of adventures and experiences are important for me. The things that I need. And here are things that I need outside of the relationship. I need to go spend time with my friends, to go on hikes, you know, to go and to go to sporting events or whatever it is. I need those things. And so I'm going to continue to prioritize them. Them. And what will happen very quickly, what will happen very quickly, I promise you, is that you will get a clear understanding of whether or not that relationship is right for you as you prioritize what's meaningful to you, what you need and you want and you desire. So comment below, let me know what you thought about this video, what you're taking with you, what questions you have. And as always, until next week, this is Connor Beaton signing off.