Connor Beaton explains why you can't change a narcissist or addict: their sense of self is built on disassociation from shame, so pointing out their dysfunction only makes them dig in harder and blame you instead. The only way out is to let go completely.
you are not going to influence the addict and you are not going to influence the narcissist. The more you try, the more they dig in. The more you try and help them to see that they were in the wrong or that they have an issue or that they have a problem or that core of the dysfunction in the relationship, the more they dig in because their identity is predicated on disassociation, this big disconnection from their core insecurities and their core shame. And so the more you try and pull them towards it, the stronger the resistance is towards you. They will see you as the fundamental problem. And so we have to let go entirely. You have to understand that at the core of it, you trying to influence them to see their part, you trying to force them to see their own insecurities, their own dysfunction, their own shame, their own behavior is contributing to the dynamic.
How to Raise Strong, Unshakable Boys in Today's Culture, with Dr. Shefali Tsabary
