Breaking Generational Codes for True Healing

Welcome back to Mindset for Recovery, the show where we go beyond just getting sober and focus on building the mindset that makes recovery last. I am your host and coach, DeMarcus Morton. Let's get into today's episode. So welcome back, you guys. I hope you all have been well. It has been raining cats and dogs here in Los Angeles, and I absolutely love it. I remember when I was a kid growing up in Ohio, whenever it would rain, I would run around in the rain in my little underwear and just enjoy it. And if I wasn't running around in the rain, I was sitting under our aluminum awning where you would just hear the rain from the gutter above, just pounding on the awning, and it just became beautiful white noise to me. So the rain I'm used to and typically look forward to doesn't happen out here in the West. It's more of a light rain, just like it was in Seattle. But there's no thunder, there's no lightning. But we'll take what we can get. I'll take the rain anytime it comes. So it has been coming down and I am in in heaven. But all that aside, let's get into today's listener question. And the question someone sent in is you talk about cultural healing. As a black person in recovery, I feel like I'm supposed to tough it out or I'm seen as weak if I talk about my past trauma. How do I start the healing process when it feels like I'm disrespecting the people I love? This is a powerful question because it gets to the heart of something so many of us feel, especially me. Well, at least I used to. We've been handed a script about what strength looks like. Showing emotion or acknowledging pain doesn't just feel like weakness. It also feels like we're betraying the people we love. That fear of letting others down is part of the same cultural survival code. Stay strong, keep it inside, and don't rock the boat. And for many of us, that be strong messaging didn't just come from nowhere. It was survival. Generations of our people learned to stay composed and to push through because there wasn't space to fall apart. But what once kept us safe now keep us stuck. Real strength isn't silence. Real strength is honesty. It's looking at your pain and saying, I'm not going to keep pretending like this didn't hurt me. Now let's dive deeper into where these feelings of obligation come from. Just like we discussed last week with self sabotage, many of these beliefs didn't Just come from trauma or personal experiences. They came from culture. They came from what we were taught to be normal. Let's see if you can finish each of these statements. What goes on in this house, Children should be seen. And how about stop crying before I. Now, I know most of you will have been able to finish all three of these without thinking twice. We've all heard them. We've all said them. And for far too long, we've lived by them, not realizing that these weren't just words. They were programs. And those programs didn't just shape our behavior, they shaped how we believed. What goes on in this house stays in this house. Taught us to hide our pain instead of healing it. Children should be seen, not heard. Taught us to silence ourselves when we needed to speak our truth. Stop crying before I give you something to cry about. Taught us that emotions make us weak. And when you combine all that with generational trauma, especially for us black folks, you learn early on that pain is private, struggle is normal, and silence is strength. We learned how to push through, but not how to process through. And that became the norm. But here's the truth. These colds might have helped our family survive, but they can keep us from healing. Sharing your experience doesn't mean your loved one is bad. It just means that you've had experiences that need attention. Silence turns into suffering because you can't heal what you keep hiding. And it's a heavy topic, but it's critical to bring this idea home. Let me share a little bit about my own story and what led me to starting my own recovery coaching program. For me personally, I don't have experience with an addiction, but I grew up around it. As many of you know, I've already shared previously, it was in my family and in my community. So I saw what silence looked like. And I learned early on that asking for help wasn't what strong people did. We just figured it out. So I became the guy who did figure it out, the one who found the answers, the one who pushed through, who kept it all together. And if I'm being honest, that grit served me well. It helped me build my business, help others, and to make an impact. But I hit a wall where strength became a barrier. And that's when I had to unlearn the code. Because what got me there, that resilience that I'll handle it myself. Energy could only take me so far, because you can't heal in isolation. And that's what I had to realize, that my healing wasn't just for me. It was for every person watching to see if healing was even possible. And this leads us into the practical part of today's episode. If we're going to break that isolation, we have to start actively rewriting the survival script. When you grow up under those cultural codes, Silence, toughness, pride. It's easy to think vulnerability means weakness, but I want you to hear me clearly. Vulnerability is not weakness. It's willingness. The willingness to be seen, to be supported, and to be set free. And if you're building a new life, whether in recovery, post trauma, or just breaking free from survival, you cannot do it with old programming. You have to rewrite the code. And that starts right here, right now. Let me give you a strategy. We're going to call it. Name it, claim it, express it. First, you're going to name it. Identify the rule or belief you inherited like men, don't cry or to be strong. No matter what. Naming it gives it shape and allows you to see it clearly. Claim it. Acknowledge how that belief helped you to survive and cope. Claiming it doesn't mean you have to agree with it forever. It just honors the role it played in your life. And lastly, express it. This is where healing and recovery really starts to move. You've named the wound, you've claimed how it's shown up in your life, and now it needs a safe outlet. And sometimes that means therapy. But some wounds can be worked through in a community of healing or with coaching. Using this framework helps you to rewrite your internal narrative and redefine what strength really means. A strength that includes honesty, courage, and emotional openness. And as we move towards wrapping up today, I want to leave you with one final word. A powerful truth that brings us all together. Generational healing starts when somebody decides the cold stops with them. It doesn't mean we disrespect where we came from. It means we evolve from it. Your parents, your grandparents, our ancestors, they did the best they could with what they knew. But now you know more. You know that silence is not strength. You know that crying is not weakness. And you know that asking for help doesn't mean you're broken. It just means you're ready. And when you start living that truth, you're not just healing yourself, you're. You're teaching everyone around you that healing is possible. So this week, I want you to ask yourself, what code have I been living by that no longer serves me? And when you find your answer, rewrite it. Because when you break the code, you make room for connection. And connection is the foundation of recovery. And if you're ready to go deeper, check out my new app, AI Demarcus. It's trained with 20 years of experience, knowledge and information that I've gained over the years of working in mental health and addiction. And I've spent hours training this app to think like I think, to coach like I coach, and to answer questions like I would typically answer them. It's absolutely free and there is a paid version that's less than the cost of a cup of coffee, but also includes live coaching with me a few times a week. Thanks for listening. And as always, if you found this helpful, please share it with someone who's ready to heal out loud. And I'll see you next week where we dive into the challenge of building trust and setting boundaries in recovery. And I want to tell you a little bit more about AI demarcus and what is my mission behind that. I'll talk to you guys soon.