The Worthiness Trap: How Low Self-Esteem Fuels Self-Sabotage

Welcome back to Mindset for Recovery, the show where we go beyond just getting sober and focus on building the mindset that makes recovery last. I am your host and coach, DeMarcus Morton. Let's get into today's episode. Welcome back you guys. I hope you had a good week, a positive weekend. My weekend was pretty balanced. I try to keep a balanced weekend, so it was a typical weekend for me. That includes some social time, getting an activity in, and most important, some quality time alone. And since we're talking about it real quick, before we get into today's question, balance, mental health, emotional health, physical health, and spiritual health. When you have balance in those four key areas, that's what we consider wellness, which is also a part of my online coaching program. So we don't just focus on learning coping strategies for addiction and trauma recovery, but also how to live a well balanced life overall. So if you have not visited my site, visit www.mindsetforrecovery.com and learn a little more about what we do. But that aside, let's get into today's episode. Last week we talked about how your subconscious is running old programs, especially from the ages 0 to 7. Today we're diving into one of the biggest consequences of that programming self sabotage. The question I'm going to answer from one of the listeners is I feel like I'm just not worthy of a good life. I get sober, I start doing well, and then I destroy it. How do I stop self sabotaging my recovery? This is a great question. That feeling of unworthiness is one of the most painful, most confusing experiences in early recovery. It feels like you're fighting yourself and in a way you are. That belief I'm just not worthy of a good life is the result of toxic programming written years ago. And as we discussed before, those beliefs influence your thoughts, your feelings and your actions. You can have all of the tools, discipline and support in the world, but if your core belief is that you don't deserve a good life, that life will always be foreign to your subconscious. And when something feels foreign, the mind will try to destroy and return to what feels familiar. Even if that is chaos, it's the ultimate paradox. You're strong enough to get sober, but you sabotage it because your self esteem doesn't match your self confidence. To break this pattern, you have to understand that self sabotage is not a behavior, it's a program. And to stop that program, you have to. You have to do two things. First, define the difference between self confidence and self esteem. As we established in the Last episode Self confidence is your competence. It's what you do. The belief that you can achieve things like sobriety, getting a job, or finishing school. Self esteem is your worthiness. It's who you are. It's that inner belief that you deserve the good life that your confidence helped you to build. In our community, it's common to have high confidence but low self esteem. Many of us grew up focused on survival where the goal was just to make it out. So we chase external success. Jobs, money, stability. Like a checklist. You know how to hustle to build a good life. But that old programming says you're not allowed to keep it. When your outer life doesn't match your inner worth, it creates tension. And that's what leads to sabotage. Self sabotage is when your low self esteem steps in to destroy the life that your high self confidence built. Is your subconscious trying to make your outer world match your inner beliefs? One of our strongest psychological drives is to stay consistent with what we believe. It's called confirmation bias. For example, if you believe in God, you don't look for evidence that disproves God. You look for evidence that confirms God's presence. And the same goes for our limiting beliefs. If you believe you're unworthy, you'll constantly search for proof of that unworthiness. And when you can't find it, you'll create it. That's why it's hard to maintain a life externally that you don't feel you're worthy of internally. The key is not to fight the sabotaging behavior, but to change the belief system under it that influences it. Your brain is a navigation system that uses your past to predict safety. It clings to what is familiar. When you start living in recovery, stability, peace, new opportunities, it doesn't look familiar to the survival based part of your mind. And that new life triggers the I'm not good enough program. Your subconscious interprets unfamiliar success as a threat. You start thinking, I can't sustain this, I'm going to lose it. You know what? It's just safer to go back to what I know. That's when self sabotage kicks in. You start skipping meetings, isolating, putting yourself in high risk situations not because you're weak, but because your subconscious is trying to prove its old belief true. It would rather choose the familiar suffering over unfamiliar peace. To change a belief, you have to write a counter program for your subconscious. The most direct way to do this is through cognitive restructuring. Your toxic belief will always win until you have a new thought ready to fire back. That new thought Becomes your new program. One that you repeat until it rewires your mind. I'll share my own example. When I was ready to start my recovery coaching program after 10 years of residential treatment counseling, I felt paralyzed. My confidence was high. My clients were getting results, But I stayed in a familiar job longer than I wanted to. The conflict was this. I was confident as an employee, but I wasn't sure how that confidence would translate into my own business. As an entrepreneur, I knew what financial struggle felt like, and I feared that if I failed, I would return back there. And so my stagnation with taking the leap was pure self sabotage. Clinging to stability because I feared the unknown. But I knew something had to be done. So I began gathering evidence of my own courage. I reminded myself, hey, I left Ohio. I built a new life in Seattle. Even though that was really tough, I moved to Los Angeles and figured out here again. And every time I did so, I succeeded. So I created a new belief for myself. I've succeeded every time I've taken the leap. This is just the next one that became my new program. Repeating it reminded me that I wasn't stepping into uncertainty. I was stepping into my own resilience. And that's the power of cognitive restructuring. It doesn't change your circumstances. It changes you within them. So if you're struggling with feeling unworthy, start by finding proof that contradicts the story. Then turn that proof into a personal affirmation. I am worthy of good things happening in my life. My presence is valuable, and my sobriety serves my purpose. I can stay sober. Heck, I'm sober right now. These are just three examples. But the key is repetition. It takes at least 66 days of consistent repetition to form a new neural pathway. So say your affirmations at least 10 times in the morning and 10 times at night. And I suggest saying it out loud. It processes differently when you hear it as opposed to when you're just thinking it. Self sabotage can feel terrifying because it makes you feel powerless. But hear me when I say this. You are not powerless. You are powerful enough to destroy your life. Which means you are powerful enough to save it. You just need a better program. So here's your reflection for the week. What is the toxic belief your subconscious activates when you're about to reach a new major goal in recovery? Write it down. Then begin creating a new program to replace it. And remember, these tools work best with guidance. That's why we explore them deeply in our online coaching groups Alongside other coping strategies and wellness practices. You'll learn so if you're ready to move beyond frustration and truly thrive in your recovery, visit the links in my show note. And remember, this show is built around your questions, so if you have any, send them to mindsetforrecoverycloud.com I'll add it to the show notes as well. Thank you all for listening. Please review and subscribe. It really means a lot to me and it goes a long way with helping us to reach and support healing within our community. Again, I am your host and coach, DeMarcus Morton. I'll see you next episode where we'll talk about the emotional reality of recovery, especially in the Black community. Here's the question we'll answer. You talk about cultural healing. As a Black person in recovery, I feel like I'm supposed to tough it out or I'm seen as weak if I talk about my past trauma. How do I start the healing process when it feels like I'm disrespecting the people I love? This is going to be a great episode. I remember for the longest time I was so ready to talk about the mishaps of my father, but because my mom was present, I never wanted to share my experiences about her. It almost felt like I was disrespecting her if I did, but I had to learn better than that. So we're going to dive right into that next episode.