Fear, Setbacks & The Mindset Shift That Holds It All Together

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Welcome back to Mindset for Recovery, the show where we go beyond just.

Getting sober and focus on building the.

Mindset that makes recovery last. I am your host and coach, DeMarcus Morton. Let's get into today's episode.

Today's Episode is brought to you by Vanity Wellness Center, a full spectrum treatment facility in Woodland Hills, California. They offer all levels of care from detox to outpatient and focus on real world recovery. With community outings, sober social events, and individualized support, they help clients build a life they're excited to live. Learn more atvanity wellness center.com Meet John.

Early in his recovery and coming off of a recent relapse, he's in that very familiar place a lot of people find themselves after a setback asking, how did I get here again? But what makes this conversation powerful isn't just his honesty, it's his awareness. We talk about self sabotage, fear of success, and the mindset shift it takes to break the cycle for good. It's the kind of shift that doesn't happen all at once, but it starts in small moments when you notice an old thought creeping in and you choose not to follow it. When you pause, question it, and respond from a different place, that's the work. And in this conversation you'll hear John doing just that. After, I'll give you a few tips for reframing your own negative thought patterns. And by the way, if you're looking for support on your own recovery journey, you can check out my online group coaching program@mindsetfulrecovery.com let's listen in.

And I'm sitting there just sad. I was so sad and empty and lonely and hurt and broken inside to where I was like, man, you had everything going for you. You had it all, all in the palm of your hand. And what'd you do? You just threw it away like you didn't care to have it. And you broke somebody's heart in process. You walked away from a woman that loved you unconditionally at that time.

So why did you self sabotage?

Afraid of success?

What have you made success mean?

That you're afraid of it?

I've never had it.

And if you've never had success and then you start to get towards it, the brain says that's unfamiliar territory. We need to go back to what's known and familiar. So I certainly get that. But what were the signs that you identified that let you know that you were about to sabotage your progress?

Because there's always signs.

The using dream, getting laxed, getting comfortable. And I Stopped going to the gym. I stopped pushing myself. I just got lazy and complacent to where I was just laying down, watching tv, not trying to do nothing. Yeah, she wanted to go out and do things. I wanted to sit back and chill and watch tv. Okay.

Moving forward, like, what needs to happen for you in order for you to be successful?

This time it's happening.

Okay, it's happening.

What's happening?

As far as this time, I am actually putting in the work. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing instead of just waiting for somebody to do it for me.

And does it feel different than the previous time? Because once you got to six months, that requires effort, that requires time, that requires. Requires commitment. So what's the difference between this time and that time?

This time it's. I'm learning to get through my complications. And this. That time I was just. Nothing was complicated because I wasn't doing nothing. I just laid back and went to groups. I told everybody what they wanted to hear and then went back to my house or went to the gym. Worked out. Didn't focus nothing on my recovery. Really?

Yeah.

Because I didn't work for my sponsor. I didn't have a sponsor. Every sponsor I had didn't want to work with me because of my attitude and the way I carried myself. Because I did have a chip on my shoulders. Well, I knocked part of that chip off. There's still a little bit of it there.

But even that chip is a protection. Right. It's because the idea unconsciously or subconsciously is people are going to leave anyway. So we kind of began to push them away by having these attitude problems or whatever it is. Okay, what do you want to believe? Because if the root belief is already one thing, what do you want to believe moving forward?

I want to believe that I am worth it. I'm going to be successful. I do deserve to be loved, and I do deserve to be treated better. That I can have what I want in life. That I'm not just a. Sorry, such and such. You know what I mean? I want to believe that I'm worthy of more to. Worthy to have to.

So what are you doing to anchor that in place in addition to praying? Praying is great, but spiritual solutions don't always solve practical problems. So praying is a great tool in addition to the other therapeutic work. But are you doing anything as far as wiring new neural pathways through consistent use of affirmations, through consistent use of cognitive restructuring tools and things of that nature?

Well, in the mornings, like as soon as I wake up now, I hit my knees, I pray, and then I tell myself everything is going to be okay. You are going to have a good day. No matter what comes at you, you can handle it. You can do it. And I try to do positive affirmations, like, you're going to be all right today. Because soon as I noticed, and this is me paying attention to myself. And when I wake up in the mornings, it was always negative. As soon as I wake up. I noticed when you said that, that one day, that that's the way it's been for a long time. Like, it's. It feels dark when I wake up. Okay. And my first thing, like, this morning was, oh, man, you're in trouble. And I'm like, no.

Right?

I'm not. Yeah, I'll find a way. I'll find a way to figure this out. It's going to be all right. It's not going to be that big a deal what you do, what you're thinking. It's going to be all right. It's going to be okay.

Which is an example of cognitive restructuring. Basically, cognitive restructuring is tools that you use to kind of reprogram some of your thinking patterns, because thinking is a habit, right? The same thoughts we had yesterday are the same thoughts from the day before. 80 plus percent of our thoughts are the same every single day, which leads us to the same feelings and the same behaviors. So if we ultimately want new results, we have to adopt new thinking patterns. And a lot of that is used through cognitive restructuring tools. So one of my favorite cognitive restructuring tools called bridging statements, which is basically, once the thought comes in, it's your rebuttal, your conscious rebuttal, but that's not true. And then you insert the truth, but there needs to be some evidence of that truth. So if that thought comes up, you know what? I just can't stay sober. But that's not true. I'm sober today. And you'll know if you're sober today if there's evidence to support that. But when there's evidence to support it, your brain doesn't immediately reject it. So cognitive restructuring tools are one of the strategies.

There's more, but.

But bridging statements are my favorite. And these are three great bridges to consider. But that's not true. But that's an old thought.

But I no longer choose to think that way.

So whenever that old thought comes up, you insert one of those bridge statements and then insert the truth that has some evidence to support it. And over time, you continuously do that. You slowly begin to anchor new thought patterns in place. So those are cognitive restructuring tools. So that's a great example of a use of cognitive restructuring tools. Did you know that or did you learn that, or you just so happen to be doing it?

I think I learned it from you, though, when you spoke it in class. And it's been like, sometimes it seems like I'm not paying attention and listening, but I really am.

You can hear it in John's voice, that shift that happens when you stop saying you want recovery and actually start doing the work. You see, self sabotage doesn't always show up loud. A lot of times it slides in quietly, disguised as comfort, distraction, or even the very familiar, I'm just taking a break. You might start coasting when things seem steady, and you might even start skipping things that keep you grounded, like your morning routine. And for a lot of people in early recovery, especially after a slip or a restart, doubt creeps in. You have to remember the brain keeps a record of the past to determine what's possible for the future. Now, that's not an accurate assessment. It's just what your brain does to try to help you to navigate. So if you've tried to get clean or sober in the past and you've had a relapse, the brain will say, well, why even bother? We know how this turns out. But it's that kind of thinking that slows your momentum even before you get started. And especially when the expectations start to show up from other people and from yourself. That pressure can lead back to old patterns as well, like isolation, procrastination, or trying to manage everything on your own. And that's the root of most self sabotage. Not just fear of failing, but fear of what happens if things actually start to work. You see, success brings responsibility, and growth asks you to level up. And sometimes that unfamiliar ground feels more threatening than the struggle you're used to. I remember early in my career working as a counselor in treatment, I struggled with imposter syndrome because I don't identify as an addict or an alcoholic. I'll share more about how my journey brought me to this space in an upcoming episode. But because I don't identify as an addict or an alcoholic, imposter syndrome was real for me, which is basically the feeling like you're a fraud or you don't belong somewhere. So I felt like an outsider. I kept my head down and I stayed focused on the work. But in the back of my mind, there was always that voice, you are not supposed to be here. Even when people told Me, I was making a difference. I'd brush it off. I'd think, you know, that's just my calling. But for me, I'm over here. I'm not really worthy of that praise. But that mindset kept me disconnected. So I started to practice something small. When someone would give me a compliment, I would respond. I received that. Thank you. It gave me a second to pause, to not just reject the good right away and to actually let it land. And that simple shift helped me to start to integrate the work I was doing into who I was becoming. And I actually still do it today, even though it's more of a habit. But that's why mindset has to be the center of your recovery. It's not just about what you think. It's how you talk back to those thoughts that try to pull you off track. That's where tools like cognitive reframing come in. One of the most practical tools I teach in my online group coaching program is called bridging statements. Every time one of those old thoughts pop up, like I'm not going to make it or I'm just a screw up, you give it a conscious rebuttal. And here are three great bridges to consider. But that's not true. But that's an old thought. But I no longer choose to think that way. Then you follow it up with the truth and something that your brain can actually prove. Your mind resists what it can't believe, but it leans into what it has evidence for. And that's not just mindset talk. It's backed by research in cognitive behavioral therapy and brain science. The more you practice this, the more those old sabotaging thoughts start to stand out. At first, they may slip by quietly, just as part of your inner noise. But over time, they begin to feel out of alignment with who you're becoming. That misalignment becomes a cue, a sign that this thought doesn't belong to the version of you that you're working to grow into. So instead of spiraling, ground yourself. I did something different today. I made a choice that supports who I want to be. I'm not where I want to be yet, but I'm not where I used to be. And that's how you start to retrain your mind with the truth, the proof, and most importantly, the consistency. Here are a few common early recovery thoughts I hear with my clients all of the time and how to reframe them. This is too hard. I can't do it. But that's not true. I've already done hard things I always mess things up. But that's an old thought. I'm learning to respond differently now. I'm just going to keep disappointing people. But I no longer choose to think that way.

I'm making myself proud.

Write down your own most common negative thoughts and refrain them with one of those three bridging statements. But that's not true. But that's an old thought. But I no longer choose to think that way. You don't have to do it perfectly. You just have to be intentional. Every time you notice one of those old thoughts and choose to respond differently, you're laying a new foundation. It doesn't happen all at once, but it does happen. The fear might still whisper, the doubt might still visit. But growth starts to show up too. Quiet at first, then louder. And with every choice you make in alignment with who you're becoming, that voice gets stronger. Not because it's easy, but because you're showing up. That's the work. That's a mindset for recovery.