Abusers (Live 7/14/20)

Hello, Hello, Hello. Hello, everyone. I hope this week is going really well for you. I want to introduce myself. My name is Anwar White. I am the founder and creator of get yout Guy Coaching, where I help smart and successful women, you know, heal their hearts, get their power back in dating, and finally understand men a little bit better so that they can get their guy. I'm hoping that this week has been treating you really well and that you have also been treating yourself very well and you've been giving yourself the treats that you so rightly deserve. If that's not the case, then you obviously have time to, you know, treat yourself in a way that's going to make you feel like the queen that you truly are. In tonight's Tuesday tea, I wanted to talk about.

Abusers and narcs. Narcissists. Right. I was inspired to do this video for a variety of different reasons. One of those reasons being the whole Will and Jada situation that has blown up into something that has been crazy viral. And I saw a lot of narcissistic tendencies in Will. Will Smith. I don't know him by his first name, but. And also, you know, I have lots of women coming and talking to me via DMs. And a lot of the time it's whether they're trying to get over an abusive relationship, marriage, a narcissist that they're trying to get divorced with. Right. Sorry for the background noise. Apparently motorcycles come exactly when I'm doing my lives so perfect. No, I think it's something that's really important. And I think that more and more we can start to identify, you know, the telltale signs, the red flags. Right. The more that we can understand how to deal with narcissists, the more that we can understand how to heal from them. The more that we understand why we're attracting those sorts of partners, the better you will be in the long run. So.

Again, everyone who's here in the comments, why don't you just let me know exactly where you're listening from. I'm always interested to get a sense of where people are.

Coming in from and chatting from. We have a few in IG and a few in Facebook as well. It's always so crazy to see where everyone is basically viewing this from. Life's. Life's so global and crazy right now. I hope you all are staying sane in the pandemic that is going a bit crazy in the US Right now. Okay, I have some people from New York. What's htx that? Houston, you'll have to let me know for sure.

Hold on one second.

I see Philly, I see Texas. Texas, baby. Dayton, Ohio. Okay, we got a good, good, good, good. Yes. Houston, stay safe. Tina. Oh my gosh, Houston's crazy right now. Hey. Hey. Okay, so Philippines. Awesome. Very cool. Okay, so I wanted to talk about abusive relationships and specifically partners. Okay. One of the reasons why I think it's important to do this is because the faster my job as a dating coach is to help you cut off the guys that are not good for you as quickly as possible and also help you give the guys a chance that you would not normally give a chance to so that you can find love. And that's what I do for all of my clients that I work with. And that's what I hope to do and provide for you as I do these lives as well. And so one of the reasons, one of the things that will help you do this is if you're able to actually cut them off as quickly as possible. I don't want you wasting time on these, you know, good for nothing men that are not going to give you what you want and what you need and what you deserve in a relationship and are going to make you feel horrible about yourself, right? So I want to start off with why you're attracting these abusive partners. And I don't mean that in an accusatory kind of way. I'm not that kind of person. I'm not that kind of coach. But I think it's important for us to understand where that's coming from. Right? So again, I don't want to be super psychological here, but I think it's important to understand how you grow up, right? And when you grow up, right. As a baby and also as a child, you have certain rights, rights that teach you how to love. One of those rights would be the right to exist, right? That people are going to be, you know, their eyes are going to light up when they see you, right? That, that you are wanted. Another right is the right to have your needs met, right? So if there was something that you needed from your parents specifically, that they were able to provide that for you. Another right that you had as you were growing up was a right to separate, separate yourself from the family unit and still be kind of accepted and be able to.

Live your life but still feel like you have that home, nest at home, right? The fourth right you have is the ability to create your own experience, right? Create your own life and have ownership agency over it. The fifth right that you had is to be able to assert yourself, right? To have your voice heard. And then the final right that you have as you're growing up is to love and be loved. And that last right is kind of a culmination of all of the first five rights. So if you find yourself.

Thinking back to your childhood and specifically the relationship that you had with your parents and you're realizing that you really didn't have the space or the opportunity to create your own experience, right? That your parents were forcing you to do things in a way that was not safe for you. So, for example, what does that look like? That looks like an overbearing father, right? Who maybe is from the military and just barked orders at you or was a preacher who was somewhat judgmental or was, you know, like a sports guy, right? And like, super. Like a coach. More of a coach than a father. So, for example, my father was like, huge into sports and was also like, he had to coach all of the sports that I was into. And he put me into all of these other, like, at least four or five sports a year because he wanted to toughen me up. You.

So if you were not able to really create your own experience, right, Then you were yielding your own individual power, right? And your agency to the external or the exterior world, right? Please comment or let me know if this is something that is definitely.

You or how you grew up, right? Because.

It happens for so many people. And it's really important to be thinking about the way that you're taught, right? The way that you're trained, what love is. Because if you are letting other people create your experience and you're letting them and you're changing yourself for these people so that you can please them and make them happy, then that is how you are thinking that love is. Love is doing what they tell me to do so that they will love me, right? And let me know in the comments if that's been your experience, because that is the experience for so many women, especially with overbearing fathers and super critical moms, right? If you have one of those moms that was like, you're not good enough, you can do this. Your hair needs to be this. You know, any kind of criticism that you might have, you might also be feeling like you can't just exert your own experience, right? You can't just do you.

So again, let me know in the comments if that is you as well.

So that was. That was what I call the fourth, right, right? To create your own experience. Also, if you have ever had any issues growing up where you were not able to really assert yourself. And that means speak up for yourself, right. Defend yourself, set your boundaries. Right. As you were growing up, especially with your parents. Right. Again, you are learning that love looks like not being able to protect yourself and set your boundaries to allow other people to invade your boundaries. Right. And I just want to call out that this is something that's very prevalent, but specifically in like, for women of color, specifically black women, right. That, you know, you're always told that you're not supposed to talk back and, you know, you should be seen and not heard and, you know, all of those things. If you grew up like that, please, in the comments, let me know because that is what I'm talking about when I'm saying you're not able to assert yourself. You're not able to give your opinions, good, bad or indifferent. Right. And you did not feel safe, you know, being able to express yourself.

Okay. I also. Right. For those of us that, you know, got spankings or whoopings, as you might know, know about it, for talking back or sharing your opinion. Right. That's another form of you not being able to assert yourself because it's considered not safe. Yes. Not able to assert yourself. Shady mom, super critical mom, father was an intellectual, but people pleaser, strict parents, right. All of that. Can't express myself. Right. So I'm telling you this because I think it's important to realize that if you're not able to heal that part, the foundation and unlearn that and learn something else, then you're not going to get out of this pattern. Right. The first step is to really understand and acknowledge this, that this isn't something that you're doing because you love pain and you love to go through drama and abuse, Right? This is a way that you have been taught how to love. Right? And so.

I was always told I talk back a lot and when I would express myself. Yeah, exactly. It was not safe. Obviously, there are a variety of different reasons why that may be the case.

Especially for families of color. Right. You know, your parents are literally in the outside world getting disrespected every day. The last thing that they want is to feel disrespected in their own home. Right. And there's this pathology of, you know, harsh punishment for that within the communities of color, specifically black communities. So I wanted to give you that kind of nugget because it can let me know if that was really helpful because I think a lot of us feel like we're.

You know, bringing this upon ourselves and there's not really. You don't know where it comes from, but, like, that's where it comes from, right? So being able to understand.

Like.

That it's not inherently you, but what you were taught should hopefully lighten the load, right? In my program, I help women completely heal that so that they can move on into something that they learn how to love, right? And they learn what love is now as a grown woman versus that little girl inside that was trying to please her overly critical mother or very overbearing, authoritarian father, right? So now what I want to do, I want to shift gears a little bit, and I want to talk a little bit about how you spot, right. An abuser or a narcissist. And again, thinking about it in the terms of being able to create your own experience, right?

An abuser will continue to criticize you, right? They'll ask you, why did you do it this way? Why didn't you do it this other way? This way is better. My way is better, right? Or they'll try to change you, right? You know, don't wear this dress, wear that dress. Don't wear your hair like that. Wear it like this. They're always trying to create your life and your experience for you, or they'll tell you what you should do and shouldn't do, right? That word should is very important.

They'll also try to control other parts of your life as well. So if they're telling you when you can drive places or to pick them up and to drop them off or to. Or if they're trying to control your finances and how you spend your money, right? Or your social life, if they're trying to isolate you, if they're trying to say, you know what, your best friend that you've known for 20 years is not good for you, right? You should not be hanging out with her that much because she doesn't have your best interest at heart, right? Those are ways that the abuser or the narcissist tries to control you and control your life and your experience, right? So. And I want you to be very clear about this. It doesn't sound like the narcissist or the abuser. It doesn't have to be yelling. It doesn't have to be an aggressive way. They can say this in the most loving and romantic way and most, very smooth abusers often do, right? They'll say, you know what? You know what, baby? I don't really. You know what? They. This dress will look so much better on you. I know it sounds super small, right? But that's how it starts. That is exactly how it starts. And, you know, you're thinking, oh, my gosh, he wants me to look so beautiful. He wants me to, you know, he wants me to be the best, you know, woman I can be. Right? He wants certain people just being around me so I can, you know, live my best life. Right? Realize that tone doesn't matter here. It's about him trying to change you and who you are inherently, Right? If he can't accept you and love you for exactly who you are, then he's probably not the one. And if he's trying to change you, right? That is like the first very small step to actually where the abuse can start, Right? Because if you start to allow those small things, it becomes greater and greater and greater and greater. Right? So those are the things that I want you to look out for when he is trying to change your life or create your experience. Right? Okay. So the second part that I was talking about in terms of your rights as a person was when they are trying to silence your voice, right? They're not allowing you to assert yourself. What does that look like? Right. That looks like if he insults your intelligence, if he calls you stupid, if he tells you to shut up or that he doesn't want to hear you, right? He's silencing your voice so that you start to doubt your thoughts because you start to doubt whether to actually speak them or verbalize them or not. Right? If he's always demanding that he's right and you're wrong, right? That everything is your fault. Right? Abuse, abuse, abuse. I want you to think about these two things. Is he trying to control my life and how I think? Is he trying to control my voice and how I speak? Speak. Right. Think, speak. If he's trying to control those two things, however small, however big, I want you to step back. The guy for you is not going to do that. The guy for you is going to accept you wholeheartedly for who you are and actually love the things that you hate about yourself.

Right? Okay. I wanted to also talk a little bit about narcissists, because narcissists are a special kind of abuser. And if you've been on my other lives, you know that I talk a lot about masculine energy and feminine energy, whereas masculine is about really being respected for the things that you do, and the feminine energy is about kind of accepting and nurturing and feeling right and being cherished and adored. Right? The narcissist actually takes on both energies to the point where there's no space for the other person. So that narcissist. If you're in a relationship with a narcissist, the quickest way for you to know is if he always wants to be respected for what he's done, whether that's career wise or for other people, or he wants you to check like he wants to. To be cherished for the things that he's done, right? He wants to be respected for his accomplishments, specifically professionally, but cherished for the things that he does personally. What does this look like? So if they talk about themselves and they think they're the bee's knees and that they're everything, but they are always denigrating and talking down about other people and their efforts.

You want to take note of that, right? If they don't ever apologize, right? Because their ego won't allow it, you want to take note of that. If you're hurting and you're telling your partner about your hurt and your pain, then he should want to make you feel better. That is really naturally what men want to do. They want to please the women that they love, right? And an apology is a big part of that. And if they're not able to do that and they try to manipulate you or project back onto you, that's abusive behavior and manipulative behavior. And you should step back and step away, right? If this person is quick to anger and raises his voice in an argument, you want to observe that, right? You want to observe it because.

That means there's a lack of control there. And narcissists and abusers.

Want to control other people so badly that when they're out of. When they're. When someone's trying to control them or they feel like they're being. Trying to be controlled, they lose it, right? Because that's like their Achilles heel, right? They're kryptonite in a way.

Some other things about a narcissist, right? So if they're talking in the way that they're like everyone's savior and that people would have basically died without them and that they saved people's lives, right? And always need a pat on the back, right? You might be dealing with a narcissist.

So I'm hoping that these quick little notes have helped you to think about some of the men that you might have been in relationships with that were abusers or narcissists or even the people that you're talking to now that might be abusers or narcissists, right? If that's the case, sis, get out and talk to more and different guys. Okay.

I want to talk a little bit about how you deal with them. Right. Because.

It can look different depending on the situation. But what I found works really well is talking about you want to take back your experience. If they're trying to control it, then you want to take it back. And the way that you do that is when they try to criticize or control, you want to simply. You don't want to yell at them. Right. You don't want to, like, try to go head to head with them. Right. Because that's what they want and they want to control you even more. At your most powerful stance, you want to calmly just let them know that what they said doesn't feel safe. Right. It doesn't feel like some. It doesn't feel like I would want to share things with you because of your reaction. Right. So the first step is to let them know I don't feel comfortable.

The second question that you want to tell them is you want to ask them if that's what they wanted you to feel. Right. I'm not really feeling comfortable sharing this with you right now. Is that how you wanted me to feel? And then you give them the opportunity to say yes or no, right? Yeah. You don't want to yell. That's what they want. They want you to lose control so that they can control you even more. Exactly.

Then after you ask them if that's how you wanted them, that's how. If that's how they wanted you to feel, then you tell them how you want to be treated in the future. Right. In the future, when I share something vulnerable, I would love for you to just listen and let me know that you understand where I'm coming from. I'm not sharing this information with you so that you can be critical of it or try to solve it. Right?

So those three. The three specific layers, Right. Tell them how you feel. Ask them if that's how they wanted you to feel, and then let them know in the future what you want them to do. Because as you probably heard, you teach people how to treat you. Right. If you don't say anything, they will think that the way that they're treating you is completely fine and that's how you enjoy it and that that's how you want things to be. Right.

I'm sharing this with you because I know that sounds so simple, and I know it can be difficult in this situation or not simple, but I want to let you know that you're not a victim, that you have the ability and the Power to change any situation, especially in your love life. Because women have all of the power in their love lives. Many of them just don't know it yet. And I want you to know that. I want you to know that literally, just by your words, right? Just by the way that you look at someone, you can completely change them. You can completely make them do different things that will make you feel good, right?

So.

I want to.

You know, you have to let your voice be heard, even if it trembles, right? And once you actually explain those things, you want to be in a place where you are ready to walk away from that person, right? If they. If it doesn't serve you. Because if you continue to do this, right, continue to call them out in a way, how they're making you feel.

And you don't do anything about it, then your word has no credibility. And unfortunately, you're teaching them how to treat you right, that you're letting them know that you're not serious about the things that you say and the things that you do. So be ready to verbalize how you're feeling in the moment, right? Immediately, right? And for the mothers out there, you know what I'm talking about. Because when your child acts up right there, you nip it in the bud, right? So when somebody tries to be overly critical or tries to control you, and this can be for anyone, not just an abusive partner, you have to nip it in the bud pretty quickly, right? Right. Then and there, you tell them how you feel. If that's how they. If that's how you want to, that's how they wanted you to feel. And you have to tell them how to treat you in the future and how to deal with that situation. If they're not changing that.

Then they don't care about you and your feelings and your wants and your needs and they're not the person for you.

Point blank, period. There's no. I'm giving him a chance and waiting for him. No, I've told you exactly what I don't want.

You now know, right? So anything that happens in the future is a choice. A choice that that person makes to either empower you or disempower you, to respect you or to disrespect you, right? If you allow disrespect, it will continue and it will get worse. That's what I'm saying. You're not a victim in here. You're not a victim in any situation. I want you to take back power in your love life. Okay.

A quick note, right?

I think that there are a lot of abusers and narcissists out there. But I think the thing that really brings shame and resentment when you're thinking about, you know, being in such a situation is not the actual, like, abuse, because that happens with just people that you're generally engaged with. Right. But it's about the length of time that you allow for the abuse. Right. You know, I spoke with someone recently that was saying that they had been in a relationship with seven in seven years, and it was not great. Right. And it was the time length, the feeling of wasting one's life and wasting one's time. Please, in the comments, let me know if that's you. If it was like the length of time that was so shameful that was like, that you were beating yourself up over. Right.

Because I think it's important to realize that's why I'm giving you, like, these, like, hints about red flags and everything, because I want you to cut them off immediately. There are so many men out here in the world. You cannot be tripping on one, especially one that's not good for you. Yeah. Been there. Three years wasted. Yeah. It's about feeling like that length of time is like, you know, that's the thing that kills you inside. Yeah. Someone else is saying, that was me. Exactly. Okay. I want to talk about narcissists as it relates to dealing with narcissists, because narcissists will never leave you. And I want to repeat that. Narcissists will never leave you. You have to leave them.

It's kind of like a drug addict, right? They're always going to be going to the drug. And this drug is more about the respect and the adoration, meaning, like, you know, being cherished and adored, Right. That's what they're getting from you. They're getting a confidence boost, Right. They're feeling good about themselves because they're able to control you. And the only way to deal with that. The only way to deal with that, right. Is that if you create space from the narcissist.

Narcissists will never leave you. They will always call you, right? When they need a boost, a confidence boost, right.

The best way that you can deal with them is to starve them of the attention they so desperately need. Right? Create space from them, disappear from them. If you're living together with them, move out, go somewhere else. Right? Because if you're under the same roof, they're going to feel like they can control you and that they still have you.

So oftentimes, right?

This Also looks like telling others. You're saying, I can't seem to create space. Tell me more about that and we'll try to help you later on in this life.

Right. For narcissists, it also means, like, being able to control your support system and to cut that off. Right. The best thing that you can do when you're dealing with a narcissist is to stay in complete contact with your support system and also.

Be in complete connection with their support system as well. Because the worst thing that can happen is that all the things that they're doing are called out in public. Right? So when you leave them, you let people know exactly how it was and exactly what he did. Right. Not because you're trying to get attention from him or. But because oftentimes what that will do is shame the narcissist to step back from you. Okay?

So that power that they have over you once you create space and you do not isolate yourself will completely dissipate. They will have no power over you because they can't grasp you. Right. That you're doing your own thing. And you're also creating a new narrative, a new experience. Right. For them. Because you're going to be hopefully telling other people exactly how badly this person treated you. Right. How abusive this person was. And also you're asserting your voice again. The two things I want you to focus on, creating your own experience and asserting yourself. Speaking up. Right?

Yes. Okay. So finally, before I let you all go, I want to talk about healing from it. Okay. Because.

You'Re gonna have. There's gonna be a time where after you separate yourself from the narcissist. Right. Someone's saying that they're addicted to the narcissist. Yeah. It's addicting because they give you all this love and attention.

You're going to have to create some space. Right. Space will help you and lose your addiction to your narcissist. But you also have to be patient with yourself, right? You're not going to flip a switch and it's going to be like, you know, daisies and roses, right. Before you put yourself out there. The worst thing that you can do is just try to date somebody else really quickly. That's not going to work. And it's going to be destructive as well, because you haven't healed from the original wounds. Right. Of not just your parental rooms, your inner child, but also your past relationship. Right. Don't give him any attention, girl. If you need so much attention. A lot of narcissists are like children, right? You know, you have that child that is like yelling and screaming and acting out and throwing a fit and on the floor. And the best thing that you can do while you're in the middle of Walmart and Target is to let them do what they need to do and completely go about your life. Then they'll figure out what they need to do for themselves and then you can go back on. Right? Okay. So again, be patient with yourself. Don't rush into any sort of relationship or dating really quickly. The best thing that you can do is start investing in yourself, right? That means treating yourself with the things that bring you joy. And that doesn't necessarily mean a lot of people think that. Okay, so I just have to, like, do all of these. I have to go out and do all of these things even if I'm not feeling up to it. Start slow, right? You don't have to go from zero to a hundred, right? Find one thing that you want to do and focus on and focus on that for a week, right? I want you to be caring for your inner and your outer self. Right? Oftentimes the abuser or the narcissist makes you feel so low about yourself that you don't want to invest in yourself, that you think it's a lost cause, that you. You're feeling so bad about yourself, that you're so unworthy of anyone wanting to care about you and love you. Right?

At some point, you're gonna have to change that narrative. And it starts with you. That's why I say it's important for you, you and you alone to start by caring for yourself. Because when you do that, then you start to help yourself believe that others will be able to do it for you as well. Right? So on the outer, right, I want you to look good, Queen. I want you to look hot. I want you to get your nails done, your hair done, to get facials, whatever is gonna make you feel beautiful. Because I know it sounds weird, but it gives you kind of a jump start to starting to feel good about yourself. It doesn't do the whole job, but it does start you off and gives you a momentum to start to do other things, right? Internally. I want you to be journaling. I want you to be working with a coach or going to therapy. I want you to really lean into your passions, whether that's singing or knitting or whatever it may be. Right? Yeah. Self care is everything. But it's like such a cliche word now, and it's different for everyone and you need to know what that is. For you, Right. It doesn't necessarily mean that you're in a bath, like some people don't like baths, Right. So it doesn't mean that you're lighting a candle, right. I'm talking about both inner and outer. Right. So it means really working on your mental. Right. And so that your feelings can be changed as well, to a point where you're feeling great about yourself.

After you start to invest in yourself a little bit. That's when I want you to reconnect with your support system. Right. And tell them your experience, the hard times that you've had. Right. And that you need your help as you're transitioning away from that person that you were to the new woman that you're going to be. Right. You shouldn't have to go through this alone. And I think that sometimes women make it hard for themselves to really get out of that, you know, that trench, because they're doing it all alone and you don't have to do it. I'm sure if you literally ask a friend of yours to do something right now, they'll do it for you. But you just don't ask, right? So ask someone to do something for you just so that you realize that people are there for you, they want to help you, they want to do whatever they can to support you, but you just have to ask. And I don't think that you'll have the confidence to really do that, at least in my experience. I've been doing this for over 10 years now. Until you start doing that for yourself. Right. It also helps the other person to realize, okay, this person actually wants help because she's doing something for herself. It's not going to be me that has to do everything for her. Right. So that really helps as well. I think oftentimes people say that time heals everything, and I actually don't think that's 100% true. I think that new people and new experiences. Experiences do. So that's why I'm telling you that it's important to really invest in yourself and to go out and start to do things, even if you're not feeling up to it, whether that's working out right, you know, or singing. Like, my mind is coming up with the blank in terms of hobbies, playing sports.

Dancing, all of those things, whatever floats your boat, the things that you loved when you were like 8 to 12 years old, those are probably your deep down passion. So going whatever those things were, going back to those things. Okay, awesome. I hope that was helpful. I hope that gave you Clarity in terms of why, right, why you're attracting those abusive and narcissistic men, what the signs were, right? How to deal with it and how to heal from it. Now, if you love this information.

I think that's great. This is all about giving as much information as possible. But if you are interested in true transformation, I want to invite you to book a free, free consultation call with me. You can go to www.getyourguycoaching.com apply. And in those conversations, we'll just have a conversation about your life, your love life, specifically what's great, what's not so great, and how we can fix it. Messi. Messi. Of course. Tamero.

Yeah. The first step is always the hardest when it comes to these things. But here's how I want you to think about it.

When you're trying to take that first step, right?

I want you, because unfortunately, I want you to play a little trick on yourself. I want you to think about the other people that need you, that need you at 100% at your highest level and not at your lowest level, right? That can be your mother, that can be your children. Oftentimes, when you're just in the situation and you're thinking about yourself, that's not going to help you get out of it, unfortunately, at least in the experience that I've had, you have to think about the people that need you. And that's actually going to give you more inspiration, more motivation for you to get out of that situation.

Okay? So as I was saying, if you want to have a true transformation, right, and go from single to soulmate and to heal up all of those past traumas and pains that you've had, right? And start calling the shots in your love life. Because if you're telling me that you're with some abusers, I'm pretty sure that they're choosing you and you're not choosing them. And if you're able, if you want to understand men so that you can get a great guy instead of these abusers, then I invite you to book a call with me. As you can tell, I'm a ton of fun and it'll be super informative and super fun and we'll just talk a lot of shit about your love life and how to improve it again, I want to be your coach. I want to be your cheerleader, and I do these lives so that you can get a sense of.

What sort of help that you could get if you were to work with me, right? I love working with women one on one. And helping them go through their journey. Yeah, they've always chosen me, not the other way around. Exactly. Right. My program is all about you calling the shots and you being the CEO of your love life, not the intern.

Alrighty. Alright, with that said, much love. And I will see you next week. Next week will be a Q and A session, so please bring all of your questions and we'll go from there. Again, book a call with me. We're going to have a blast. Www.getyourguycoaching.com Apply. Talk soon.

How long is the initial session? As long as you want it to be. Again, there's no pressure, right? I've had some calls that have been an hour and a half. I've had some calls that are 20 minutes. Right. We generally dig a little bit deeper. Right. So it generally takes 40 minutes, I would say, on average, but it's different for every person. I'm not here to force you to stay on the phone with me. I want to just help you and get your help. Okay. All right. Be well. Have a great week and talk soon. Bye.